- Dude! The strangest thing happened today. I mean, apart from the fact that my sfe little 'closet' life is teetering on the edge of this black bottomless pit, and Joanna is constantly poking at me with a pointy stick from the other side. Still...it's the weekend, so I can't completely blame her for much of anything that happened today can I? Anyway, it's GOOD news...sorta...

.....I think......

See...i's like this. My mom decided suddenly that she wanted to have this huge 'Lifetime' marathon on the couch today. And if you've ever watched a made for tv movie on the 'Lifetime' channel on cable...you know exactly what it's like. Some 'bad man' rapes a lady and tries to get away with it. Or some 'bad man' kills somebody and tries to get away with it. Or some 'bad man' is abusing his spouse, or acting all crazy, or cheating on his girlfriend, or on some murderous rampage....and is trying to get away with it. Of course, the MAN is ALWAYS wrong, no matter what, and is usually portrayed as some kind of unlikeable asshole that just deserves to die as far as the story and plot is concerned. And then, of course, there's the "I am woman, hear me roar" revenge flick heroine where the women get to kill as many men as they like...but for some reason it's a GOOD thing when THEY do it! Um.....okaaaay.

Whatever. Anyway, she was watching back to back chick flick tv movies like "My Awful Man Doctor Knocked Me Up While I Was Sleeping, The Bastard" or whatever the fuck it was, and I decided that I had to get out of the house before she remembered that me and my dad were men too, and deserved punishment. Or at least some frustrating 'nagging' on her part. My dad must have taken the hint too, because he hightailed it out of the house the second she sat down and changed the channel.

So I went out to the mall all by myself this time, mostly because Sam was watching a basketball game on tv and wanted me to either come join him at his house or wait until it was over. (Fucking straight boys and their 'sports'! What IS it with them anyway? I'm GAY, and I don't get half as much of a kick out of watching sweaty muscular men in shorts rubbing up against each other as they do!) So screw that. I'd pick watching guys at the mall over watching guys on tv any day! I walked around for a bit, and it was ok I guess. But then I stopped into one of those trendy clothes stores for a second or two to just check it out.

Anyway, these 'kids' came in, around my age, or maybe a year younger. I couldn't really tell. They were laughing and having a good time, and they caught my attention right away. It was a boy and three girls, obviously all friends. The thing is...the boy...aside from being EXTREMELY cute, was...different. It was like I could feel it, you know? Inside. I watched him a bit out of the corner of my eye, and maybe it was the way he walked, or the mulitple jelly bracelets on his arm, or the fact that he had earrings in both ears...but I was almost SURE that he was gay!!! He was CUTE, and GAY, and....THERE!!! Right in front of me!

He had really light brown hair, and green eyes, and this smooth, slim, sexy little body. I kept looking at him, and once I heard him speak, that clinched it! He was definitely gay! I can't really describe what I was feeling at that moment, you know? A part of me was terrified, a part of me was excited, and a part of me was horny to a degree that I was wondering if I was going to have to shackle myself to something to keep from tackling him right there in the store! But there was another part of me that was just...jealous. You know? I mean, what would it be like, to just be....gay? In front of your friends, no less. The more I watched them interact, the more obvious it became that he was a homosexual just like me. They were walking around looking at bright colored clothes clothes and making jokes and just being normal. They didn't shun him, or shame him, and nobody else in the whole store seemed to even notice that he was gay. I wonder if I could ever be like that. Ever...

The strange thing is, he caught me looking at him once or twice, and he smiled at me before I left! Like, one of his friends shoved him a bit, and when I looked up, he was giggling and smiling at me. Like....like he thought I was 'cute' or something. Arrrrgh! Omigod! I could have...well...I SHOULD have...oh, I don't know! This is so difficult! And NOW it seems worse, because he seems to have figured a way out of all this confusion and I haven't. Sitting here at home, writing this, in a room all alone...I'm mentally kicking myself over and over again for not saying anything when I had the chance. One of these days, I'll know what to do. And in time to do something about it. ONE day, I will.

So there it is...both a good and a bad and an interesting day indeed. Later.

- A Very 'Mixed Up' Billy

- Okay, I woke up super SUPER *SUPER* horny today!!! I can't explain it really! But when my eyes opened this morning, I was so hard that it almost hurt! It felt like a rubberband stretched to capacity, ready to shoot off or just SNAP at the slightest increase in tension! It was one of those morning hardons that feel all tingly and sensitive on the outside, stiff as an oak tree, and just...'full'. You know?

I had hit the snooze button a few times and was already running a bit late. So there was no time to really 'take care of business', if you know what I mean. My mom would be knocking on my bedroom door, or even WORSE, peeking in to make sure that I was awake. Every two minutes, in fact, if I know her. So I did my best to will it to go down, and tried getting dressed. Which isn't easy to do with a huge LOG sticking out in front of you. Not to mention that it makes it nearly impossible to go to the bathroom without wetting up SOMETHING. It eventually softened up a bit, but the 'tingles' were still there, and I seemed to be more sexed up than ever. This was SO not a good state to go to school in. The last place I want to be with a 'hair trigger' erection is in a building surrounded by cute teenage boys. Especially after what happened at the mall yesterday. And if I happened to lay my eyes on Jamie Cross doing ANYTHING even remotely cute.........chances are I'd have to change my clothes.

TWICE!

Still, ditching is out of the question today, so I'll just have to 'stiffy' my way through classes until the last bell. It didn't help that I saw Brandon riding his bike towards the side door this morning. His ass looked soooooooo JUICY in those pants! Especially when he had it turned up to me like that while pushing the pedals. And when he swung one leg over to get off the bike, I nearly screamed. I didn't try talking to him because it might have made things worse than they already are, but considering that he didn't really make any effort to look for me, I wondered if he was still mad. Or if he was even mad at all. It's not fair for him to just stop being friendly to me, he's too cute to forget about. So what am I gonna do, exactly?

Oh, and I saw Jimmy LaPlane again today, but this time, there was no secret wave, no hidden grins. And he managed to not run into anything this time either. I dunno, he didn't seem like himself. In fact, if you ask me, he looked pretty down about something. I could just see it in his face, like all of the life had been drained from it. I didn't see anybody messing with him like they usually do, so I couldn't really pinpoint what it was that really had him feeling bad. But it had to have been something. He just looked like shit. I probably should have gone over and said something to him, or at least given him some comfort. But as much as I hate to say it, it was...work. I mean, it was an extra effort that I didn't want to put into him at that particular moment. Does that make me an awful person? It's GOT to make me a bad person. I didn't want to be mean or anything. I just...I didn't have anything to say to him. Nothing 'cheerful' anyway. So I chose to say nothing instead. A big part of me just isn't concerned, and for some reason that bothers me. Because there's another part of me that knows that me silently caring and hoping that things get better for him just isn't enough. I should actually DO something instead of just thinking about it. Maybe tomorrow I'll say hello or something. It might help him a little bit.

Sam is having some minor conflicts with his mom these days. It seems like every few weeks, they need to have a typical spat just to keep themselves balanced out. I suppose it's your average parent/teenager relationship. But they seem to be going at it a lot more frequently these days. And the fights are getting more intense. Sam actually trashed a part of his room yesterday, he was so mad. He talked about it all day long, and I listened like a good friend should, but him venting didn't seem to ease his tension any. If anything, it just kept the anger well fueled and burning hot. I figured that this was one of those days to keep quiet and just listen to him talk. Sometimes it's the best thing you can do for somebody.

The horniness didn't go away, not for a second. Brandon looked hot, Simon looked hot, Sam looked hot, even JIMMY looked hot. He's got a bit of acne and that kind of greasy looking hair...but you know how some guys aren't really that cute, but they're FAR from being ugly? The guys who you look at from the neck down and wonder, 'what if he's really sexy down there'? Ah, maybe I'm just super horny. He DOES have a nice body though. A bit skinny, but nice. I wonder what Jimmy looks like naked. Hehehe!

OKAAAAY! That's enough of that! Next I'll be pinching the school JANITOR'S ass and rubbing up on my gym teacher's nipples! I'm gonna go take care of some of this extra horniness right now! Later!

-Billy

- KABOOM!!!!! The trap was set for me, and I stepped right into it like a fucking idiot! I KNEW Joanna was hiding away for a reason! She caught me outside of my math class today, and walked with me to the gym locker room. Naturally, I was nervous as always. I swear, it's sooooo hard to breathe around her. And the two of us walking together in the hall was like a huge spectacle to everyone watching. The idea of us being a couple was becoming more and more concrete every day. At least it was in the eyes of the people whispering and gossiping about it. Maybe that was a part of her diabolical plan. Get them to make it real before it really is.

So we talked, with her giggling at almost everything I said, and sort of rubbng against my arm by walking so close. And she stares into my eyes for a really long time, too, when she talks. I can almost feel her excitement when she does that, and gay or straight, something about that arouses me. My heart flutters a bit, and the butterflies start jumping around in my stomach...it's like mind control or something. Anyway, I kept looking away to avoid her eyes, and finally she stopped me in the hall and cornered me by the second floor fire hyndrant. She had been hinting about this movie coming out on Friday that she wanted to see, and I kept expertly backing away from the comment so I wouldn't have to answer. But then she just flat out asked me, "Do you wanna go with me?" At that moment, I was hoping for ANYTHING to come along and take me away from the pressure of giving her an actual answer. A fire, a tornado, a freakin' Godzilla attack....ANYTHING! My response to that question was going to determine exactly how the rest of my life was going to be played out from now on! I JUST KNOW IT! But despite my slight hesitation, searching for a diplomatic way to say 'no' without following it up with 'because I'm a homo'...wasn't going to happen. There just wasn't a catastrophe big enough to keep me from giving her a reply.

So........

I said, "Sure. I guess so." I was SCARED, you understand? She totally RAILROADED me into it! And the words just kinda came out of my mouth without my consent! Shit! NOW what am I gonna do??? I don't know what to do with a girl! I don't fantasize about girls. I don't know if I'd even be any good with one. They're missing some....um...'equipment' that I need to work with! Ohhh...why does she want me so badly anyway?

So there you have it. I took the fucking plunge! I'm officially stuck. I'm taking her to the movies on Friday. On a DATE! Not only am I going to spend my Friday afternoon in total confusion, panic, and conflict, but that means I won't have a chance to invite Simon back over to my house after school. Which means that if he WAS giving me a signal yesterday, then he might think that I'm brushing him off...to be with a... a GIRL! Arrrrgh!!!

I've never actually been on a real 'date' before, and somehow, I'm thinking it'll be ten times harder than figuring out sex! Sex is pretty easy to imagine. Dating, on the other hand, can go a billion different embarassing ways! All of them being my fault, I'm sure. Me being the man and all. So I guess that means I've got a little bit of homework and a whole lot of worrying to do between now and then. Once Sam gets out of his funk, I'll tell him the 'good' news, and maybe he's the key to making this go right. He's been waiting for this for a while now, and I'm thinking that this is ONE area of life and love that he can actually help me with! If anybody can teach me about liking girls, it would be my favorite hetero sports nut.

I'd say 'wish me luck', but I don't know if that's what I really want right now. In fact, I think I should pray for the exact opposite. Maybe if things went terribly on Friday between me and Joanna, then I'd be off the hook for good. Who knows?

I've gotta run. Later. I need to think about this some more.

-Billy