- NO!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO *NO*!!!!!

NOTHING about today went right! NOTHING about today was even sane! This is wrong! It's ALL wrong! These things are not supposed to happen to me! They're not supposed to happen to ANYBODY!!!

Ok, first...before I even get into the possible 'destruction' of my life..let me just say that the more I try to find a way to get Brandon to forgive me, the more I continue to fuck it up even worse! And I'm not even TRYING to screw up, it's just...it's like God is purposely making everything go BAD between us!

I thought about how much it bothered me to see him at lunch with those other boys having fun yesterday, you know? But you wanna know what's even WORSE than seeing my boyfriend laughing with other cute boys? NOT seeing him laughing with other cute boys! They weren't even in the cafeteria today. I kept looking for them to walk in so I could kinda keep an eye on things...but they never did. Which means that they were somewhere else having fun together where I couldn't see them. Maybe even somewhere private. Maybe on the lawn where WE used to go when we wanted to be alone! And that disturbed me even more, because now I couldn't watch to make sure that it was JUST a couple of friends and not....you know..my 'replacement'.

I wish I didn't think about things this way...but I do. It's kinda hard to control when your heart is all tangled up in somebody else.

So...later on in the school day, I had to go to the library to grab something for my book report, and I see Bobby Jinette standing just outside in the hall. It was weird, because he seemed like he was kinda scared to approach me at first. But when I said hello, he loosened up a bit. Geez, it's not like I told him that he couldn't talk to me any more. I'm not THAT heartless. He's like, "I never know if it's cool to talk, or whatever."

And I told him, "It's always cool to talk to me, Bobby." Which made him smile and blush in the cutest way.

He had to shrug a bit and bite his bottom lip to keep from giggling, and he said, "Well...you know...I figured things were kinda weird between you and Brandon still. I mean...it's been, like...two weeks, right?"

I'm like, "Sighhhh....two weeks and two days, actually." I wasn't trying to look too sad about it, but Bobby could tell anyway. He sat down on a few nearby steps, and I sat down next to him. I mean...we were just being friendly, you know. I LIKE talking to Bobby, now that we actually talk about real things and don't have that funny sexual tension feeling between us, making everything so clumsy.

He leaned over a bit to bump me with his shoulder, and he's like, "It'll work out, Billy. Really. I'm sure he's missing you too."

And I'm like, "Doesn't seem like it to me. He's been hanging out with these other boys lately. Laughing and having a good time. It's like he doesn't even care."

Bobby's like, "You're always so jealous. Maybe they're just friends, you know?"

And I said, "Somehow I doubt it."

And he's all, "Didn't you used to hate ME for the same reason?" I asked him what he was talking about, and Bobby said, "I'm not that dense, Billy. I could practically see it in your face every time I even talked to him. 'There's that boy...talking to my Brandon again...God, I HATE him.' Am I right or am I wrong?"

I asked him, "But...you were trying to get in his pants, weren't you?"

Bobby giggled, and said, "That's not the POINT! Hehehe!"

So I'm like, "You SEE! I'm not just being paranoid. Other guys want to be with him. And I actually had him and just...." But I could see that what I was saying was making Bobby feel rotten inside. I doubt that anybody wants their love to be seen as the 'mistake' that the other person will always regret. It must have hurt coming from me. I said, "I'm sorry, Bobby. I'm just being an asshole again. Don't pay me any attention."

But Bobby says, "I'm afraid that I'm going to hang on every word you say to me for the rest of my life. So don't even suggest that I don't." Which basically means...I hurt his feelings again. So...I kind gave him a little hug to just...I don't know...silently 'apologize' or whatever. And he hugged me back. I think he just likes the 'feel' of me or something.

Anyway, Bobby was getting ready to get back to class, and I was going into the library...so we stood up, and Bobby just looked at me with this...'sparkle' in his eyes, you know? And he steps forward to hug me a second time. I have to admit, the affection felt good, even from just a friendly hug. And we held it for a second or two before letting go. That's when it happened.

:(

Brandon, I guess, was going to the library too at that particular moment. And the FIRST thing he sees as he comes around the corner is me and Bobby Jinette locked in this big intimate embrace! And me and Bobby practically jumped apart like we had just gotten caught naked on the couch or something. Not that it did much good. Brandon looked really hurt. I mean...like...DEVASTATED!!! Then angry! And he just rolled his eyes, turned around and walked away from us without saying a word. I don't know what the fuck I DID! What the...why the FUCK was I hugging Bobby Jinette??? Why the FUCK did he have to come walking around the corner at THAT particular moment! Why couldn't I say anything, or chase after him??? Or just...just...ARRRGHHH!!!! WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??? God is seriously punishing me here! I KNOW he is!

Bobby totally apologized and stuff, but...it did me no good at all. Now Brandon's gonna think that me and Bobby are a couple now! And he's gonna want to go and have sex with the really cute emo boy! I tried to call him tonight, but he wouldn't answer me! And when I tried to send him a message online, I had already been BLOCKED! He's not gonna talk to me, he's not gonna talk to Bobby...he's just gonna make up the worst case scenario possible in his head, and then use that to let some other guy suck him off when I KNOW that it should be ME!!!

I got caught doing something that...I wasn't even DOING this time!!! Awwww, Brandon, why won't you TALK to me! Please??? It's not what you think!

Omigod...and as if THAT wasn't bad enough...I had an even BIGGER shock AFTER school! And this one is definitely going to fuck up EVERYTHING for me! I don't know how yet, but there's no way that it's just gonna go away peacefully without causing some kind of irreversible damage on its way down!

So I had almost forgotten that I had promised Jimmy LaPlane that I'd finally come out and meet this new knight in shining armor of his. But it's not like I had anything else to do but homework, and I wasn't about to miss this golden opportunity to see the boy of Jimmy's dreams. As much as Jimmy had raved about him, it felt like he was practically 'family' at this point. So I rode the bus all the way out to the mall with Jimmy, and he was bouncing around in his seat, saying, "Oh Billy, I can't WAIT until you meet him! He's sooooo cute! He's sexy as hell! I swear, I wanna be with Alex for the rest of my LIFE!" Which was really uplifting to hear after the time I had earlier today.

So we get there, and we walk around for a bit, and Jimmy is shaking and trembling and I'm giggling and trying to get him to calm down. And then, his eyes brighten up, and he has to try to keep from literally squealing like a 12 year old GIRL when he sees his 'boyfriend' walk up. And...well..let's just say that I was NOT prepared for this at ALL!

Alex isn't fucking 'ALEX'!!! Alex is AJ!!!!

I was stunned! I stood there like a deer in headlights as AJ hugged Jimmy lovingly around the waist, and gave him a sweet kiss on the lips! Was this some kind of fucking GAME??? Does Jimmy have any IDEA what this jerk put me through! This boy stole my virginity and then cheated on me because I wouldn't let him fuck me in the ass and HURT me whenever he felt like it! This perfect 'angel' started out all nice and sweet, but then he used me to 'get off' and basically kicked me to the curb for knowing better than to let him 'molest' me! What the hell is he doing with JIMMY LAPLANE???

Jimmy was like, "Alex...this is my friend, Billy. Billy, this is my...boyfriend, Alex." He was all lovey dovey and practically melting in AJ's arms, and I could hardly hide the confusion and frustration on my face from them as AJ smiled at me and reached out his hand.

"Nice to finally 'meet' you, Billy." That's what the son of a bitch actually said to me! We haven't spoken since I stopped calling him months ago, and he didn't say anything out loud in front of Jimmy, but it's not like he didn't know who I was. There was hardly any 'surprise' in his eyes at all. And when we shook hands, more for Jimmy's sake than anything else...I felt almost sick to my stomach.

I couldn't WAIT to leave. I hardly said two words to either one of them the whole time that we were there in the mall, and that didn't bother Jimmy in the least. He was practically cuddling up to AJ's arm every five seconds. AJ just loves to be worshipped. And me? I just kinda played 'watchdog' the whole time. Because Jimmy's a FRAGILE person, with a really delicate heart and spirit! Jimmy is giving this guy his love soooo openly, he's completely overwhelmed with the feeling! He doesn't know how to slow down. And he takes rejection so HARD! How is he going to handle being used and tossed aside by someone as 'special' as AJ is in his life? It's gonna totally CRUSH him! And if he gets his heart broken just one more time, especially after Lee...he's never going to get over it. EVER! He'll be helpless, and alone. And I remember what happened the LAST time Jimmy felt helpless and alone.

I know that AJ could feel me shooting daggers in his direction the whole afternoon that we were together, and he either ignored it, or showed me how little it mattered to him by hugging Jimmy even closer to his side. Or kissing him tenderly on the lips. And I seriously wanted to slam the fucker into a wall and tell him to stay away from him! But how was I gonna explain that? Huh? Was I gonna out myself in the mall? Was I gonna tell Jimmy that I lied to him about being straight, and that my first sexual experiences were with his gorgeous new boyfriend? I was basically being forced to bite my tongue, and AJ knew it. He KNEW it!

And when we said our goodbyes, AJ gave me a halfhearted hug and said, "Maybe we'll bump into each other again some time...'tasty boy'." And he WINKED at me! Just to fucking shine me on! I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I've gotta warn Jimmy about this guy! I've gotta...UGH...I've got to a LEAST let him know to keep his eyes on him! Or to not just let him batter his feelings around the way he did mine when we were dating. There's GOTTA be a way to do this without telling him about...me.

Sighhhh.....right....

Secrets fuck up everything. They always did.

I'm gonna go. I need some time to think this out! I am NOT going to let my life start crumbling again! And I'm NOT gonna let AJ become a part of it again either! Forget it! I'm gonna fight to keep it all together if it kills me.

Later....

- Billy (Still struggling)