- Ok, so...I talked to Sam today. I was trying to find an easy way to ask him to help me with...um....'girls'. I didn't want to seem entirely clueless, but I did know that even though Sam had yet to have a steady girlfriend himself, he's a lot better with girls than I am. He can, like, talk to them and stuff. He's the strongest link to the heterosexual world I have at my disposal, so I figured that I should take advantage of that natural talent while I can.

What surprised me most was how excited he was about the whole thing. I mean...he was really happy about me asking him to advise me. I guess I didn't expect him to be so supportive of the whole dating thing. Maybe I didn't even WANT him to be. But he jumped to my aid, and was all ready to set me up with advice and direction and tips on how to get Joanna to really like me. I can't explain it, but there was something inside of me that was kinda hurt by that. I didn't want him to be happy. I wanted him to be jealous...or something. Hell, I don't know! Just not so damn happy. I guarantee you...if I was asking him about another boy...he wouldn't be HALF as accepting and supportive of the whole thing. I just KNOW he wouldn't! But me liking Joanna is supposed to be NORMAL, so now he's all super friendly and shit. Whatever. He sat me down at lunch and grinned and giggled the whole 40 minutes we were in there. It was hard to keep from rolling my eyes.

You know what it was? It was the fact that even though we were really close friends...I still had some kind of weird unexplainable crush on him. I have for as long as I've known him. Never really planned to make a move on him, but having that option open and out there for me to hold on to kept him close to my heart at all times. But his 'helpful' attitude in all this was pushing him into that "he's straight, so don't even think about it" category. I HATE that category! With a passion! Because it keeps sucking in all of my favorite dreamboys and refusing to spit them out long enough for me to appreciate the fantasy of having them talk to me. I sat there listening to him tell me to say how nice she looked, and how to compliment her eyes, and how to gently change topics if we don't agree on something...and the whole time I was silently resenting him for not being...'available' to a freak of nature like me. And the more he talked, the more it hurt. You know? I think that I'm going to just erase this little conversation from my memory and try to force Sam back into the 'maybe' pile once this is all finished. I'm not ready to just let go of my favorite boy-dream just yet.

Anyway, Sam told me a lot of stuff that, I guess, I needed to know. Does this mean I'm ready for my date on Friday night? NO! Because when I get there, I'm gonna have to wing it and improvise and probably fuck it all up! It's inevitable. Sighhhh...I should have thrown myself off of the roof and broken my leg or something. At least THEN I'd have a plausible excuse. If that doesn't set me free from all this, nothing will.

I'm gonna go in my room and pout now. This whole Sam acting all 'straight' thing has put me in a grumbly mood. G'night.

- Billy

- It's Thursday! Omigod, it's already fucking Thursday! If I was actually looking FORWARD to this weekend, it wold have taken forever! But now that I'm dreading it...it's RUSHING towards me at hyperspeed!

So here I am...one more day away from the big date. I find myself feeling anxious all day every day, even more terrified of how this whole thing is going to turn out than I was before. I'm practically hyperventillating at this point. I didn't really want to think about it all the time, but I couldn't help it. Even with other cute boys roaming past me in the halls all day long...I paid them no attention. None at all. The only exception was Brandon, who doesn't have to do much at all to catch my attention anyway. Even though he's been acting completely 'alien' around me lately, it was cool to see those huge beautiful hazel eyes of his looking slighty down on me in the middle of all this craziness. Just having him near me helped to ease my identity somehow. I can't really explain it. There was just this mellow infatuation with him that made me feel good, and I was beginning to realize that now that he's been gone for a while.

Anyway, Brandon didn't just give me a quick greeting this time and walk away like before. He stood there in front of me like he had more to say, and when I asked if something was wrong, he basically gave me this weird apology for being so distant lately. He says, "I don't want you to think that I was being mean to you or anything. K? That wasn't fair of me." He didn't explain why he was saying it or what caused him to act differently in the first place, so it didn't really elevate my knowledge any on the subject. But I was in the presence of the school's 'prettiest' boy. So I just kinda nodded an acceptance, he smiled, and then he left without saying anything more. Did you know that he has a tiny little scar right above his right eyebrow? I just noticed it today while he was apologizing. It was one of those cute little flaws that you fall in love with once you see it. I think I was staring at it the whole time he was talking to me. It was so small, hardly noticeable, even up close. But it made him even more kissable to me somehow. God, even his imperfections are hot! Damn...Brandon...he's excruciatingly adorable when he wants to be.

I long for the day when I'm not so damn 'boy crazy'. I hope it's just a teenage hormone thing, because I'd hate to think that I might spend the rest of my life living with the sex drive of a freakin' bunny rabbit.

Sam was doing his best at lunch to psyche me up for the big night tomorrow, and again, I found myself resenting him for it. But I hid it behind a few jokes and gestures. I did my best to get him to just shut up about it, but he seemed to be more excited about it than I was. The more he talked, the more I thought about it. The more I thought about it, the more nervous I became. And that kept me teetering on the very edge of cancelling on Joanna altogether and walking out of the whole thing. It was mostly the threat of the questions that people would ask afterwards that kept me from doing it long ago. The details, and the committments, and this total 'detour' of everything that I ws shooting for....just for the chance to be like everybody else. It was like choosing between a delicious cheese burger and a delicious slice of pizza. How do you go wrong? You know? Besides...this was the first time in forever that Sam really took this much of an interest in what I was going through emotionally. Which sucks because I'd rather be kissing HIM any day of the week. Is this, like, the fucking Twilight Zone or what?

I also saw Joanna in the halls today, and she looked like she was ready to burst at the seams with joy when she approached me. She gave me a rough outline of the plan for our date. When to leave school, how to get there, and what time the movie starts and all. I was trying to pay attention and remember everything, but all I could do was look around and notice that strange level of attention that we seemed to generate whenever we stood too close together. Every boy and girl in that hallway looked at us as they walked past. They had never actually 'seen' me with a girl before, and they made an extra effort to notice it. I was kinda beginning to worry that this was turning into their ritual initiation into the 'breeder world' for me. I was afraid this would happen. They're watching. I KNOW they are! I can feel it! They're gossiping about it, whispering in every locker room and at every lunch table, trying to get the scoop on the two of us before anyone else did. Arrrghhh......why me? I've suddenly become this unwilling celebrity in this place, and now I can't back far enough out of the spotlight to get my privacy back.

Shit..am I screwing up, or is this a good thing? I wish I knew.

Anyway, that's it for today. Tomorrow, I go on my first date. With a GIRL! It's not something that I'm used to, and it's certainly not something that I was expecting to deal with quite this soon. But I'll try to make the best of it, I guess. Sighhhh...why did this have to just 'fall' into my lap like this? Why couldn't being with another boy be this...effortless? I don't even know what I did to get her to like me in the first place. Other than the fact that she thinks I'm hot. I guess...um...I guess that counts for something, huh?

Ok, gotta run. I've got a big day ahead of me tomorrow. God help me.

- (A scared and 'boxed in') Billy

- Omigod...it's over! It's OVER! I went out on my date tonight, practically shaking so bad that I was almost sick to my stomach! I followed Joanna's directions and all, met up with her, and we took a bus ride out to the Cineplex downtown. I was so scared and self conscious that I could hardly even SPEAK to her! I hope I didn't look like too much of a loser! I was kinda new at this. But....you know, as much as I worried and complained and sweated and cringed...it wasn't all that bad in the end. It was actually kinda fun, to tell you the truth. It took some getting used to, you know, being out at the movies 'with' somebody. I mean, I've gone with Sam before and a few other friends. But this was a date. This was...like...a 'one on one' type of thing. So it was different. I was sooooo nervous! I didn't know what to say to her for the first hour. I didn't know if I should be holding her hand or if she wanted me to be more of a 'gentleman' or what. I did open doors for her though, trying to show some class. My mom and dad did teach me that much when I was younger. And I took Sam's advice and commented on how nice she looked. She seemed to really like that. Score one for Team Billy and Sam! But....that compliment only took up like 3 seconds worth of conversation time! Once that was said, I was sort of...um...out of material, you know? So....uhhh....yeah, the first part of the date was kinda rough to get through. She did look pretty though, and she smelled nice. Sweet, you know? Not like boys smell, which is SEXY, believe me....but more like how girls smell. Girls smell really good sometimes.

We saw some friends of ours from school at the movie theater, and I didn't know whether to be worried that they'd only increase the pressure bearing down on me, or if it was a blessing coming my way to take some of that pressure OFF of the situation. Whichever one it was, talking 'normally' to them in her presence helped to keep me from tryng to talk 'abnormally' to her for a while. We all sat together in the middle row of the theater and I did my best to stay quiet without making it seem like I was being mean or ignoring my date. I can still feel my heart beating hard in my chest from the experience. It was so WEIRD for me! But, Joanna actually was the one that worked a bit to loosen me up. She was...she was NICE. I don't know what it was, but once she started to talk to me in a friendly manner, a lot of my tension melted away. It was the same way that we had talked to each other in school whenever we crossed paths. It wasn't half as awkward as I expected it to be once I realized that she didn't expect me to be anything more than...well....me. It felt like I was there with a 'buddy' instead of this 'beast' with these huge demands and requirements of me to be special for her. That alone really helped to put my mind at ease.

The movie was ok, nothing spectacular. But Joanna and I shared popcorn and basically just shut up and watched the movie. I got to feeling pretty confident about myself until the lights came on and the credits started rolling. Then it was 'pressure city' again. I made sure to wait for her to stand up before I did, made sure to walk behind her, even made sure to see to it that she didn't trip up the stairs or anything. I saw Kenny Bencher trip up the stairs once, and he split his chin, like, in HALF! Very gruesome! Anyway, I just basically looked out for her like I thought a guy should. But all the time, my stomach was tying itself in knots. When our other friends from school went their seperate ways, I found myself wanting to run away from her again. Wanting to just duck and crawl into a little hole where Joanna couldn't find me. She asked me if I wanted to get something to eat, and we ended up going to the submairne sandwich place around the corner. I tried my HARDEST to get that easy conversation back, wanting to just feel like friends again like we did in the theater. But it wouldn't work. I was still nervous, still shaking, still clumsy. My arms and legs felt like they were made out of soft clay, and nothing wanted to work right. I was stuttering every other word and feeling like a complete fool...but fortunately for me, she thought it was cute. In fact, she thought that EVERYTHING I did was cute, no matter how fucked up it was. So despite my weirdness...things ended up going pretty well.

At the end of the night, we got back on the bus to go home. And while we were sitting thee quietly, me just wishing that I could drop her off at her stop so I could officially declare this night over...she put her head on my shoulder. I naturally tensed up at the contact, horrified, wondering what it was going to lead to. Did she want a kiss? Did she want me to say something sweet? Did she want me to have sex with her tonight? Dd she want me to propose marriage to her? What does a head on the shoulder MEAN after dinner and a movie??? I DON'T KNOW!!! I wrestled with my feelings for a while, but she didn't go any further than that. She didn't need anything else from me other than that little bit of closeness. (Thank God!) She held my hand, and relaxed herself into me, eyes closed. It took a while, but I eventually got comfortable with it. My mind finally stopped going fucking haywire for a few seconds, and I felt that closeness between her and I become a 'good' thing. It was like a sigh of relief all over again. And we rode the bus back to her house just like that.

I remember it getting close to her stop, and she lifted her head to say that she had a good time. I stumbled a bit, and told her that I did too...in a strange 'what the hell do I say' kinda way. Hehehe, but she just smiled, hugged my arm, and said, "You are so cute sometimes, Billy." She gave me a few snuggles before kissing me sweetly on the cheek, and got off of the bus. All I could do was say thank you. That's exactly what I said...'thank you'. What the heck is THAT supposed to mean? Thank you for WHAT? I'm such a dork sometimes! Geez!

There it is, Billy Chase's first date! Awkward and bumbling as it was. You know, I would have thought that my first date would be something spectacular. The kind of stuff that dreams are made of. The kind of mushy old memory that I could fondly reminice over in front of my grandchildren someday and tell them how beautiful it was. Well...SCARY is what it was, and barely enjoyable, but a good experience. Hehehe, that sounds so bad now that I think about it. I had a decent time, I was just too timid to really have the kind of fun I should have had, you know? Whatever...I'm going to bed.

Me...Billy Chase...with a 'girl'. Sometimes this world is full of surprises, huh? Someday I'm gonna look back at this book and know that I was a normal boy at one time. A freaky one, but a normal boy nonetheless.

G'night world...

- Billy