- Hehehe....you know, I just had the weirdest image in my mind of Jimmy LaPlane wrapping his arms around Jamie Cross and totally kissing him on the mouth! Hahaha! I tried to call him to see how the interview thing went, but he's not answering his phone. I wonder what happened.

I saw him in school today, and he was shaking so bad that he could hardly walk straight. I was like, "Dude...what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't know if I can do this, Billy. This thing with Jamie Cross just...I don't know." Then he told me, "Being gay is a hell of a lot easier when you don't have to THINK about it all the time, you know? And how can not think about it when...HE'S right there....like...staring at me?" Jimmy whined a bit, looking as if his knees were gonna collapse any second. "I saw him earlier from a distance, and he looks sooooooooo HOT today! I swear, he dressed like that on purpose! He's just...GAWD....he's so cute! It's KILLING me!"

I said, "Dude, just...GO!!! You'll be fine!"

Jimmy insisted, "No, I won't! I'll be a clumsy stuttering idiot, and he'll totally HATE me! I just know it!" Then he straightened out his shirt. "How do I look? Is red a cute color on me?"

I giggled and said, "Jimmy...I'm not that gay. You'll have to ask a girl."

Thankfully, that made him smile. And with a nervous giggle, he said, "Hehehe, jerk!" He blushed really hard all of the sudden for some reason and said, "Don't make FUN of me! This is serious! Hehehe!" I swear, his eyes sparkled with so much...'charm', you know? He looked at me, and he was like, "You are so....kissably cute when you wanna be, you know that?" He kinda sighed a bit, and despite the flattered tingles going through my body at the compliment, I found myself avoiding his eyes after he said it. Partially because it made me shy to hear it. And partially because...well, I can't really 'deliver' on what he wants from me. Well...I mean I CAN, but...I shouldn't. Whether it's just to feel good or not...Jimmy LaPlane's feelings aren't for playing with. I'm sure it would be a hot time...but...yeah. I shouldn't. I won't. The last thing he needs is to be hurt by someone he really likes again.

Oh...and I saw the 'demonic duo' again in the halls today. Brandon and Stevie walking all close and talking to each other. Blecchhh! To hell with them. I really am starting to think that even Brandon isn't worth all the pain and heartache that I've had to endure this past month. Nobody is. It hurts, yeah...but shit...it's OVER! I mean, he made that clear. He told me how he feels, and he's moving on. I should too. What am I gonna do? Just suffer for the rest of my miserable life while he goes off and 'fucks' somebody else? Whatever. How many people stay together with their first true love anyway?

Brandon said hello to me, but I didn't even bother to make eye contact as I passed them. Stevie seemed to be quick to get Brandon's attention focused back on HIM again, but that's just not a game that I wanna be a part of anymore. I mean....I love Brandon, Lord knows I love him with all my heart! But there's just something so damn CRIMINAL about some selfish ASSHOLE standing between us that I can't deal with! I really CARED about him! I really did! And this stupid boy with an attitude just swoops down and snatches him up, and suddenly has something nasty to say every time I even TALK to him. Even if it's just as a friend. He's determined to keep us apart, and he makes Brandon 'happy'...so...I'm done. Stevie wants me gone, I'm gone. But not for HIS sake! FUCK NO!!!

I just...I don't want to 'fight' for Brandon's love anymore. I know it sounds weird...but he'll either give it to me freely....or he won't. Fighting with Stevie is only gonna make him look better and me look worse. I know that now. BUT...if Brandon ever decides to come back, and give me the chance I need to prove once and for all that he's the only boy I'll ever really LOVE this way...I'll be here waiting. With open arms. And a tear of unrestricted joy in my eye.

Speaking of 'love', and...um....'sorta love'....

I hung out with Lee today. And you wanna know something...what I feel for him can be SO confusing sometimes! I try to figure things out and it only succeeds in bringing up more problems than it solves. It's like...I 'LIKE' Lee! You know? I mean...I REALLY like Lee! I....I REALLY REALLY *REALLY* fucking LIKE Lee!!!!!!!! But I can never tell if it's just because he's extremely, uncontrollably, HOT...or if my feelings are really real. You know what I mean. I try to look past the fact that everything he does or says or even WEARS is just cute beyond reason! I mean...AJ was cute, and that was a big mistake that I wish I could take back. Believe me. I gave that asshole my virginity, for crying out loud. Live and learn, I guess. But...the more I try to look 'beyond' Lee's undeniable 'sex factor'...the more I find other cute things to love about him. I mean...there are LOTS of cute guys in the world, but Lee has somehow found this charismatic personality to back it up. I mean....everything about him is like...'wow'. Even MORE SO than Jamie Cross, if you can believe that.

And yet...what I feel for him is soooo different from what I felt for Brandon. And that's what I can't seem to understand. I mean...if I really HAD to choose a boy on looks alone, Lee is cuter than Brandon. Not by MUCH!!! But...Lee is cuter than almost everybody on the planet. That goes without saying. And yet...while I highly APPRECIATE that beauty in him...sighhh....

I can't believe I'm gonna say this...

He's just....not my 'baby'. I don't even think he CAN be. Maybe I'm just holding on to Brandon for longer than I should. I mean, hell...didn't I JUST write that he wasn't worth this pain??? He's NOT! Loving him is only HURTING me, and it's getting worse every day, and I just want it to fucking STOP already!!! But it won't! And trying to substitute it with something else just seems to 'cheapen' the feeling somehow.

Arrrgh! WHY??? Lee is so fucking HOT that I literally ACHE for him! You know? Do you know that we went to the jellybean factory today, and I actually got HARD just watching him put cherry flavored jellybeans in his mouth??? I mean, like...ROCK hard! Because he doesn't just open his mouth and eat a few at once. He picks up one jellybean at a time, between his thumb and middle finger...and then he kinda pushes it between his sweet succulent lips. And then he sorta sucks on the sugary surface for a few seconds before actually chewing it. I've never seen anybody be so seductive while eating candy. I thought my heart was gonna burst.

Not only that, but I went to his house afterwards, and he was already looking super hot in his school uniform...but we went to his room, and while he waited for his computer to boot up so he could check his email...HE TOTALLY CHANGED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!

He was talking to me and smiling, and I noticed that he was unbuttoning his glaring white uniform shirt...and once his chest was exposed....WOW! He just took off his jacket and shirt, and I THOUGHT that he'd just put on another t-shirt...but he kept going, and unbuckled his BELT next! I wanted to turn away, but I couldn't! So I was trying to come up with reasons to keep him talking so that I'd have an excuse to be staring at him so hard. Then the pants dropped...and he was wearing these tight black boxer briefs! AHHHHHH!!!!! Omigod! It was the hottest thing my young eyes had ever SEEN! He literally bent over to pull his pants legs off of each foot individually, and his ass is like....sooooo TIGHT! Tight and round and sweet and slim, with these PERFECT little muscular 'dimples' in both sides! I had to fight hard to keep from gasping out loud!

It was sooooo hard to sit there and bear witness to this, but Lee was obviously not very self conscious about his body. And why would he be? He was fucking GORGEOUS!!! He folded up his clothes neatly on the bed next to me while he stood there almost completely naked except for those snug fitting boxer briefs and a pair of socks. Not just ANY cute boy...but LEE!!! The boy with the cutest penis on EARTH!!! He was saying, "I've gotta do laundry tonight. I've only got three uniforms, and my teachers are all strict about them always being ironed and pressed and all that, so..." And he stopped just as I was looking at his...um...bulge. He looked...'nice'. I'll even go so far as to say 'blessed'. Sighhh...he's got a big penis TOO??? Why were the angels so GOOD to this boy when they were putting him together??? Anyway, he's like, "What?"

And I literally 'yanked' my stare away from him so fast that I almost fell off the bed! I'm like, "WHAT what??? Nothing! Go ahead! I'm listening."

He gave me the strangest look, hehehe. But even THAT was cute. Then he says, "Sorry. I'm always in a hurry to get out of this uniform when I come home from school. It's so stuffy and stiff, you know?"

I'm like, "Uh huh..." But still trying not to actually look at him, you know?

And he's like, "See, Billy? This is the perfect time to give you 'sugar kisses'! Hehehe! While you're being all cute and awkward!" Which...I dunno....was that like a 'signal'? That was TOTALLY a 'signal', wasn't it? And I MISSED it! Arrrghhhh!

So after that, he put on a tight fitting Ramones t-shirt and a pair of light blue soccer shorts.

Mmmmm...shiny....thin....soccer shorts. With the most alluring 'jiggle' in the front.

Yeah, this afternoon, we talked, we laughed, we had a good time. And sometimes, when I stare at him up close and look at the beauty of his bright eyes...it really does FEEL like I'm totally in love with him! I mean, I get it ALL! The giggles, the wiggles, the goosebumps, and that terrifying tremble in the pit of my stomach. And yet...I still can't figure out if it's my heart or my 'hormones' that are making me feel this way. I mean....if Lee wasn't the most adorable boy in the world...would I still feel the same way? I don't know.

But I would with Brandon.....

Confusing.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to reach Jimmy again to see how everything went. Hehehe, I'm gonna be so JEALOUS if he actually went through with kissing Jamie Cross on the mouth! Hahaha! But...you know, whatever! He deserves some good luck!

See ya later!

- Billy