- I had a bit of a bizarre experience today. I actually got a chance to talk to Trace on the phone for the first time earlier today. And...I don't know...it was so weird. But in that really cool way, where you didn't really expect to enjoy something as much as you did. It's hard to explain. But he sounds really cute on the phone. Not that he doesn't sound cute in real life too, but...I guess this was just this strange 'outside of school' conversation that seemed so much more fun than the usual accidental bumping into one another in the hallway. It was just more personal, I guess. Hehehe, and he kept having to yell at his little brother, Mikey, the whole time, who was obviously doing everything he could to get his big brother's attention. Trace kept having to tell me, "Ugh! Hold on a second!" Which he'd follow up by yelling into the background, "What are you DOING??? Can you please STOP! I'm on the PHONE!"

I was like, "Hehehe, don't be so mean, Trace."

And Trace would giggle back and say, "No! He's being a butt face! You wouldn't believe what he's, like...doing right now. He's a fucking spaz." Which, I don't know...I thought it was cute. Because Trace never really got 'mad' at him. Just frustrated enough to grit his teeth and growl a little bit. But one of those growls, I guess, hurt Mikey's feelings, and he stuck out his lip and started pouting. So Trace instantly excused himself from our talk again, and was like, "Mikey? Mikey come here. K? I'm sorry. Gimmee hug. Big hug." Awww, it was adorable! Trace kissed his little brother on the cheek and was like, "I love you, k? You love me?" Hehehe, he didn't get an answer. I guess Mikey was still sulking. He says, "Mikey? You love me? You don't love me? No?" He gave him a few pokes with his finger, and Mikey ran out of the room giggling. So Trace sighs and says to me, "Total spaz. I'm seriously gonna, like, SELL that kid to somebody someday. Hehehe! I'm sorry, Billy. What were we talking about?" There's just something so sweet about him that I don't usually get to see. I guess I just never really took much time to notice. But yeah...that just kinda...stuck with me today. I'm glad he's coming to my party tomorrow. It'll be good to see him there.

Hehehe..geez, I think I just got a 'tingle'! What was that about? Ok, moving on....

Sam is still just as miserable as ever, if not more so. When I called him today to see how he was doing, his mom answered the phone and told me, "Maybe you can get this boy out of BED some time today." I'm thinking, why the hell is Sam still in bed? It was like 2 o'clock in the afternoon already.

She has to go in Sam's room and give him the phone, and he actually had his head under the covers still. Sam's like, "Hey, Billy." But he sounded sooooooooo sad. Wow, it was like...heartbreaking. I think he had actually been crying, which...Sam almost never does. He refused to leave the house, he didn't want me to come over, he didn't even want to take his head out from under the covers. He was like, "Why should I care about anything anymore? I mean really...she's 'gone', dude. She won't even talk to me. Once your party is over tomorrow, I'll officially have nothing else to look forward to for the rest of my life. I mean, how sick is that?" And I think I heard him sniffle, which just....ugh! It was hard to hear him like this. He actually told me, "It wasn't just some girl that I wanted to have sex with, Billy. You know? She was really special to me. And now all I've got left of her is this painful ache in the center of my heart. And as much as it hurts, I'm afraid to let it go...because then I won't have anything."

The weird thing is...I know that feeling well. And now that Sam is going through a 'Brandon' situation of his own...I couldn't help but want to make things all better for him again.

I couldn't believe I actually said it, arrrgh, but I was like, "Sam? Do you...want me to talk to Joanna for you? Maybe I can, like....find out what happened."

Sam was still sniffling a bit, but then he was like, "Would you? I mean...you don't HAVE to, Billy but...dude...I feel like it's so hard to breathe without her here. I just wanna talk to her and make things right again. Can you tell her that for me? Please?"

After having them sneak around behind my back, and having her curse me out, having her take my first love's virginity, after getting Sam to 'out' me to her...after having her basically 'out' me to him to begin with...after all the times that seeing them together nearly made me sick to my stomach...the LAST thing I should want is for those two to get back together. And yet, here I am, looking for a big old band-aid to patch things up again. I had to do it. Sam's my best friend. EVER. I'd give him a KIDNEY if he asked me for one. Hell, I might even give him both. I just didn't want him to be in pain anymore. He's too awesome for that.

I agreed to talk to her, and even though I called her house, she didn't answer the phone. I tried her cell phone too, but she didn't answer that either. She must know it's me. And she must know that if I'm calling her that it's about her and Sam. But she can't avoid me forever. Any other time, I would have gladly stabbed her with a rusty screwdriver to keep her away from my best friend. But this time...I'll stab her with one if she doesn't talk to him and work things out. Either way...the rusty screwdriver is ready for action.

Hahaha....awwwww, Lee just sent me a message online to ask me what kinda cake I wanted for my birthday. Lee's buying me a cake? God, that's so cool of him. I LOVE that boy!

I just wrote him back and said, "Um...the sugary kind?"

And now he says, "Oh, well cool. We were gonna with a cake made out of all salt and vinegar with fish scale frosting, but the typical sugar and flour recipe would be alright...I GUESS! :P"

Hehehe, Lee's just as excited about this as I am. But he loves to party anyway. No matter what the event or who's gonna be there. I think Lee just loves being around people. Which is great...because everybody loves being around Lee. I'd still love to get him naked though.

We traded a few more emails, and he was being so amazing that I kinda asked if he wanted to hang out and do something today. It didn't seem like Sam was planning on seeing a single ray of sunshine, and I was REALLY thinking about calling Brandon to see if...you know...it would be cool to maybe get 'lunch' together or something. But that just seemed to be pushing it to me. I don't know...the idea kinda made me nervous. I'll just wait to see him at the party tomorrow. It'll be more 'special' that way, you know? Anyway...the funny thing is...when I asked Lee if he wanted to hang out, he like...had an 'excuse' ready. Hehehe!

He was like, "I'm actually gonna go over to a friend's house for a little while, so..." But something about his whole cheerful vibe got real secretive all of the sudden. Maybe it's just me. You know how my mind gets once it's gotten a certain idea in it. But when I asked him what he was doing, he was like, "Yeah, I'm going to Randall's house. You remember Randall from the other day, right? So he's gonna...download some music for me for tomorrow night and stuff. So...I don't know how long I'll be over there." I think my heart literally turned upside down in my chest when he said that.

Seriously! My very FIRST thought was, 'OMIGOD...Lee's going over to the hot gay boy's house to get some ass!!!' And I SOOOOOOOO wanted to find out where Randall lived so I could just ride over there on my bike and peek in the window! Like, just....aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! GAWD that's hot!!! I remember what Jimmy said, about him being really soft and gentle when they had sex, and all of his little whimpers and stuff, and I got the hardest erection EVER just picturing it.

I had to let him go, but mmmmm I wish it was MY house he was coming to right now to get sucked off or whatever. I'd be naked and waiting on the bed for him when he came knocking! Hehehe! I swear!

Grrrr...this is EXACTLY the kind of thinking that got me into trouble in the first place. It's just, now that Brandon and I have a second chance to maybe make things work, it seems the whole WORLD is full of super cute boys! Boys that never would have spoken two words to me before in their LIVES are suddenly coming to my party. And I don't even HAVE parties! Hehehe! Whoah...I just got another tingly feeling in my stomach. It's like...life is GOOD again, you know? Not just for the moment either, but I mean...I think I'm actually happy. Of course, I've still gotta fix things up for Sam tomorrow at school so he can share in the sunshine too...but, for now, I feel like I can give my whole life and all of its problems a much needed sigh of relief.

And now...for the big moment!

I'm looking over at my alarm clock, and even though I've got school in the morning, I wanted to stay up for this. It's 11:59 PM right now...and...wow, I can't BELIEVE how much my life has changed over the past year. Sooooooo much has happened to me. I went from a quiet little closeted gay boy virgin, with a few good friends, staring at Brandon and Jamie Cross from across crowded rooms...afraid to speak...to some weird popular kid, with a big birthday bash, I've had THREE boyfriends, a GIRLFRIEND, and enough sex to keep me smiling the rest of my life. I've both lost and found the best friend I've ever had. I've both had a falling out and a reunion with Simon. I came out to a few people, and they've all been really cool about it. I kissed Jimmy LaPlane on the lips! Hehehe! And stood by his hospital bed when he was going through hard times. I've been in fights, had my parents split up for good, had my heart broken and born anew with hope that things will get better. I got to sink into the tightest, most delicious, piece of ass that any boy has ever had...I got to see that Lee has the cutest penis on Earth...and I got to experience what it was like to be totally lost in someone's love...cuddling naked with Brandon as we enjoyed the presence of our better halves. It's only been a year...and I feel like I've lived a whole lifetime worth of experiences. So strange.

But it's my life. And the way I feel right now...good times and bad...I wouldn't change a thing.

12:00 AM.......

Happy 15th birthday to me!

Seeya later!

-Love,

Billy Chase