- You know...tonight was really NOT what I expected it to be at all. Things got kind of turned around and screwed up...but at least it wasn't a total loss.

I still got a much needed taste of my baby. Hehehe!

But before I get into all of that, the weirdest feeling was buzzing in my stomach all day in school today. I think I was just nervous about seeing Bobby again after yesterday's...um...'talk'. I was kinda worried that he'd be, like, really hurt. And it hurts ME to see him hurt. But...surprisingly, he seemed pretty normal. I almost expected him to ditch gym class just to avoid me. But nope, he showed up just like always.

Now...the really STRANGE part is...there was, like...this emptiness, you know? UGH! What the fuck is WRONG with me??? One minute, I'm ready to strap on a jetpack just to get AWAY from Bobby Jinette...and now that he's actually let me off the hook, I miss him? That doesn't make any sense.

But I felt it just the same. It's not like he ignored me. He flashed me a few smiles and all. But we didn't talk as much. He was more 'distant' today than he has been for a long time now. He wasn't waiting in the hall to walk to the gym locker room with me, he didn't orbit around me as much. It's selfish, but I kinda miss the attention. I think I had actually gotten used to it over time. Now I'll have to get used to not having it.

I bumped into Satan today. Oh, did I say 'Satan'? I meant Stevie. The fucking weasel. It was just quick enough for us to give each other a look, but not a word was spoken between us. What would I have to say to him anyway? Why can't he just transfer to a different school entirely. Every time I look at that pretty emo face of his, I think of him and Brandon going off alone somewhere to have sex. I picture Stevie's hands caressing Brandon's full, round, ass cheeks. I picture Brandon lowering those kissable lips of his to suck Stevie in to his warm mouth, and swirl his tongue. God, I miss that. I picture their shared orgasms and moans of pleasure...and it PISSES ME OFF!!!

Mostly because it hurts so damn much....

I wonder how far they've gone with each other. I wonder if they've done...like...'everything'.

Sighhh...how long am I gonna do this to myself? This is so stupid. I'm supposed to be trying to forget him. It's not like we were soulmates or anything. Obviously, Cupid had a different plan in mind for both of us. I just wish we didn't have to have both of our hearts torn to shreds as a part of the learning process.

I'm willing to let go, I suppose. But I have to come clean and admit that sometimes...sometimes I CRAVE that boy like you wouldn't believe. There's a piece of me that is always going to belong to him. A piece that I can't get back. A piece that I can't ignore. It's a strange question to have to ask myself...but I asked anyway.

If Brandon broke up with Stevie and asked me to come back to him...would I do it?

I know what the answer is. And I know what I WANT it to be. But...yeah. Yeah, I would. In a heartbeat. Does that mean that I'm cheating on Lee? Just for thinking that? Am I an awful person? I really don't want to be. My feelings are all over the place, and I always want to do the right thing, but...the right thing isn't always as clear as I need it to be to make the best decisions. In fact, most of the time, it's all fogged up and twisted by a bunch of other factors that ALWAYS results in somebody getting hurt. Sometimes I wish my emotions would take it easy on me for a while. They complicate everything.

I told Trace that I was gonna go over to his house tomorrow. He made sure to say, "Don't forget about tomorrow, Billy. You'd better not punk out on me, hehehe!" I thought about inviting Sam over with me. Just to have fun and maybe to keep things from feeling awkward. The only time Trace and I ever really saw each other and hung out outside of school was at my birthday party. But...for some reason...I hesitated to ask Sam to come along. Maybe it was a teeny tiny spark of curiosity...but the thought entered my mind that Trace might wanna be...you know...alone.

It's NOT like I'm gonna really do anything, but...you know...sometimes I think about him. I just wonder what it would be like...being naked with him. It made me look at my little list again, and I tapped my fingers on it for a little bit, just kinda...fantasizing, I guess. Whatever. It doesn't really matter.

Oh...so Sam...

Sam had a big falling out with his mom the day before yesterday. I've seen Sam and his mom fight before, and they have had some legendary spats, let me tell you. Usually, when that happens, he comes over to my house to stay for a while. But since I'm at my dad's he couldn't do it. I was like, "Why didn't you CALL me, dude? You could have come over here and stayed at my dad's. You know that."

But that was the big shocker!!! Sam was like, "Yeah, but you'll NEVER guess who let me spend the night???"

I'm like, "Who?"

And he's like, "GUESS!"

So I'm like, "SAM! C'mon, tell me."

I never, in a million years, would have expected him to say, "Jimmy LaPlane!"

Can you hear the scratch on the record? What the hell??? I'm like, "Jimmy LaPlane??? But...you...but he...?" I was totally lost for words. Sam and Jimmy have been, like, mortal enemies since elementary school! They're not even supposed to be able to pass each other in the hall without wanting to STAB one another in the face!

But Sam was like, "Hahaha! I know! It shocked the hell out of me too! I was actually trying not to go home, and I was killing time at the mall. I ran into Jimmy, he was looking kinda down, I was looking kinda down, we had a short conversation...next thing you know, we sat down in the food court to eat together and starting chatting it up like we had been friends forever. It's so weird."

I'm like, "EXTREMELY weird, yes." I still couldn't get the idea to fully settle in. The concept of Sam and Jimmy chatting over a plate of chili cheese fries is about as strange as it gets. I asked, "So...you're, like...staying at Jimmy's now?"

And Sam kinda giggled. He said, "Well...I'm not staying with him, really. I'm gonna go back tonight. My mom gets off of work early on Fridays, so I'm hoping she'll be in a better mood. But it was a fun time though. Jimmy can be really cool, you know? His mom is awesome too." This was totally blowing my MIND! Then Sam was like, "Why? You jealous? Hehehe, you think we're over here doing the wild thang without you?"

I said, "Well...it wouldn't be the most shocking thing you've told me today."

He's like, "I'm thinking of adding Jimmy to my 'proud gay friend' collection. Whaddya say?"

I told him, "I'd say that I'm NOT an action figure."

And Sam laughed and said, "According to what Jimmy says, you could bring your 'figure' over to his house and get all the action you want! Hehehe!"

I gasped in horror, like, "He TOLD you that???" I was sooooo embarrassed! What the hell was THIS??? Why is Jimmy telling stuff to my best friend??? How much does Sam know? OMIGOD...I hope Jimmy didn't tell him that we kissed! Arrrrgh!

Sam didn't even answer me, he just grinned wickedly and said he had to go. That just...it didn't sit right with me. That's a bit too weird for my brain to even process right now. When I see him this weekend, I'm totally gonna grill him on how something so peculiar could just come from out of left field like that. He said he even sent me that email last night from Jimmy's computer. He said they stayed up talking all night long about 'stuff'. 'STUFF'? What KIND of 'stuff'???

Yeah...not too crazy about that at all.

And SPEAKING of things that I'm not too crazy about...

My dad told me not to be out all late tonight. I mean, it's Friday night, but he's all like, "Make sure you're home by 10 O'clock." Which sucks, because I wanted to spend some time with Lee, and his mom wasn't coming home until midnight. That's like two whole more HOURS that we could have spent together. But whatever...I told him fine. Couldn't talk him out of it if I tried.

So I go to Lee's, and I tried to get there a bit early so we could have as much alone time as possible. And when I get there...I see RANDALL sitting on the couch! Grrrr! I'm thinking...what the fuck is HE doing there??? RUINING our private time, that's what! I was practically getting a boner just walking up to Lee's door...and it practically deflated the second I saw him there.

Lee says he just came over on a whim, but still...he could have said 'no, I have company coming' or something.

So Randall's all happy to see me, and sits all close to me on the couch, like, "Where have you been? I've been trying to get a hold of you."

You see, Randall has been sending me email after email, he Googled my name, he's practically stalking me. He keeps saying that he wants to talk to me, and I'm just thinking, "WHY???" Why does he 'NEED' to talk to me? About what? I've got stuff to do. Like spend time with my BOYFRIEND, for example!

He stayed for *hours*, even watched the whole damn movie with us. I was sitting there steaming in silence, trying to be somewhat friendly. Then...at like 9:45...Randall FINALLY decides to get up and go. And he gives me a big sappy hug and a smile and then he gives Lee one and leaves. I'm telling you, I was getting ready to give Lee an earful of frustration...but the second Lee closed that door, he reached out for me in a hurry and started kissing me with soooo much passion that every thought I had in my head went 'bye bye'.

He was really kissing me like he hadn't seen me in years, and I was soooo happy that I wasn't the only one horny and missing my sweetheart. He kept our lips together while we moved to his room. I swear, I don't know how we got all of our clothes off, but we managed to do it fairly quickly, and without having to come up for air. *GOD*...he can be soooo SEXY sometimes!

He says I have 'magic lips'. Hehehe! I must have really given him fireworks tonight, because he was wiggling and rolling his hips and whining like a little boy. And that just made me suck him in even deeper. He came a LOT that first time. I mean...wow. It was sooo thick too. I thought I was gonna need a glass of water to help me swallow it all. But I loved it. I missed him sooooo much. I wish I could lay there with my head between Lee's long slender legs all day, every day.

The thing is...when 10 o'clock rolled around...Lee asked me to stay for a while longer so we could talk and just...be together for a while. I mean, I know what my dad said, but...did you hear what Lee SAID to me? He wanted to 'be together' tonight. How many chances do I get to catch Lee in a really 'affectionate' mood like this? Not to mention that he was laying next to me naked, and playing with my dick at the time he asked. My body was still trembling from my last orgasm, and here he was, smiling and looking all cute and sexy, and giving me little kisses on the neck between every word. Sighhh...so yeah, I stayed. I stayed and we spent the next hour and a half rolling around like it was our first time all over again. I mean...my body was so WEAK from shaking by the time I left Lee's bedroom, that I could barely get dressed again.

And he wants to see me tomorrow too! I wonder if I can go to Lee's house for a while before going to Trace's. I'll work it out somehow. Because Lee truly TRULY rocked my world tonight. Mmmmm...I can still taste him as I write this. I couldn't hide my smile if I wanted to. Even when Lee tongue kissed me up against the front door as I tried desperately to leave. Ohhhhhh God....I almost came again just from the way his body was buzzing with this sexual tremble against me. I could have chewed the lips right off of him!

So yeah...I got yelled at when I walked in the back door at 12:15 instead of 10 o'clock. And a lecture. But thankfully, I'm not grounded. At least I don't think I am. But...I don't feel the LEAST bit guilty about staying. I know, I know...rules and structure and parental respect..I know...but...ugh....this is LEE!!!! Do you know how many times a day I have to pinch myself to figure out if this is even REAL??? I'd miss the next ten Christmases in a ROW for another swallow of that boy's hard inches. God...even NOW I want more! I'm gonna end this here before I get myself all sticky again. But yes...my boyfriend. Wow. I was worried for a while there. I'm so glad to have him back.

Now...if only I could get Brandon and half the other boys at school off of my mind.

Laters...

-Billy