"Billy Chase #239"

- Trying to go to Sam's house this morning would have been pretty much pointless. I mean, he wouldn't have answered the door, even if I came knocking. Not after yesterday.

I really, really, REALLY, never meant to hurt him like that. I had no idea that Joanna and Jamie were going to be right there in front of us holding hands. I didn't know he'd take it soooo hard that he'd completely shut down on me and tell me to fuck off. I swear...if I could just take back those five minutes...just FIVE MINUTES...my best friend on Earth wouldn't hate my rotten guts and my life wouldn't suck so hard.

Five stupid minutes...it can ruin everything for good. I might as well have walked out in front of a fucking truck. It probably would have hurt less.

Anyway, I didn't even walk past his house this morning. I wasn't sure if he'd be at school today or not. Not that it mattered as far as talking to me was concerned. If he was at school today, then he was very strategic in dodging me in the halls. I think my days of trying to help him through this are over. I guess I just should have left it alone.

I had a bit of a weird run in with Bobby Jinette this afternoon after gym. I think this was the first time in a couple of weeks that he really even 'talked' to me all that much. I mean, he was never really rude to me or anything. He just...wasn't the same Bobby that he was before. Then again, maybe he was. I mean, it's not like Bobby and I were the best of friends before that whole incident in the locker room with Kyle making fun of him and all. He said that he had been in love with me since our 6th grade shop class...but we didn't really talk much more than the occasional greeting. I didn't even pay him that much attention at the time. In the 6th grade I guess I only had eyes for Sam. So I'm sure I missed a lot of wandering eyes back then. Anyway, everything changed once Bobby saw an opportunity. I guess he spoiled me with all the attention after we...you know...hooked up. It's hard to go back to 'friendly' when you've gone so far beyond it, you know?

Anyway...he saw me in the locker room, and he said that I looked down today. I guess the hurt and stress was showing on my face. He's like, "You sure that you're ok? It's a Friday afternoon, we should all be buzzing with joy right now."

I smiled and was like, "I'm fine and dandy. Really. I'm cool." But he just smiled back at me and shook his head.

He was like, "That's nowhere near the truth, now is it?" Then he's all, "What's wrong? Seriously."

You know, it's really weird, but I think I could totally understand what Sam was talking about at that particular moment. I mean, Bobby was really cool in a bunch of ways, and I cared about him with all my heart...but it was just something that I didn't want to talk about. You know? Am I crazy for that? All of this hoopla over begging Sam to tell me every little detail about what's bugging him....and yet, when it comes right down to it, I can't bring up enough courage to do the same. It's like....the pain, it was mine, you know? I didn't much feel like sharing it with anybody else. I'm so screwed up in so many ways. I swear I'm going insane.

The weirdest part, however, is that when we were coming out of the gym locker area, still kinda talking or whatever...Bobby had this...'boy' waiting for him outside. I mean, I noticed him, because he was like this really cute boy with short red hair, and kinda tall, leaning up against the wall. He looked like he was a grade or two above us. Definitely older. I glanced at him briefly, but I thought he was just kinda standing there by himself. When he stood up and said hello to Bobby...it was like...whoah. I can't describe the feeling. I really can't. It certainly wasn't anything as simple as jealousy. Besides, I didn't have anything to be jealous about. Bobby's not my boyfriend. But there was this...weird...like....'ache' that came from it. I mean, Bobby didn't even introduce us or anything. He just said hello back to this other boy, then turned to me and said, "Well, I hope you feel better, Billy. Call me later if you need to, k?" And instantly...our connection was broken. He walked off with this other guy and they smiled and giggled with one another. It just made me wonder, you know?

I don't have any PROOF that Bobby Jinette had gotten himself some sexy dude to hook up with this weekend or not...but it was a bit strange to see Bobby with some boy that I've never seen at his side before.

Jesus....is everybody in my life completely wacky on love right now or what? I can't WAIT to see Lee this weekend. I wanna be in love too. Am I weird for that? Yeah, maybe I am. Who knows? Some days I just...get this really lonely feeling for no reason at all. And I just wish it would go away. And stay away. Because it sucks, and I'm tired of dealing with it.

OH! I saw Trace today, but only briefly. I asked him what the deal was with not showing up yesterday, and he said, "Ahh, Mikey got sick at school yesterday. Evidently he threw up on some girl's shoes the second he walked through the door. Hehehe, I keep telling him, that's NO way to impress the ladies. He doesn't get it though." Trace grinned for a moment, and was like, "I had to go pick him up from school and take him home so I could take care of him. He's the only little boy I know that actually likes being sick. He wanted me to take his temperature like every 20 minutes. And he got chicken noodle soup and ginger ale, which he LOVES, by the way. And he got to get into his pajamas and watch cartoons instead of of going to school. So...it was a full day, believe me."

I was like, "Your dad didn't go get him?"

Trace scoffed at the idea. "Umm...no. Hehehe! Besides, I wouldn't trust that man to take care of a house plant, much less my baby brother. I've sorta made that my job. Unfortunately, my dad is one of those 'work is my ONLY priority' guys. Well, work and liquor. He's gonna be that old bitter man on the porch someday, who just worked and worked and worked and never realized that his whole life had passed him by. I swear. Then he can spend his retirement alone, without a friend in the world, hehehe! Me and Mikey have other plans. Only got one life, might as well live it up, right?"

I was like, "True. Very true." I remember kinda 'looking' at him, wondering if maybe he was just being nice to me...or if it was something more. Trace is pretty casual about almost everything. He's not the type to over think things the way I do, or stress about details. He just kinda sits back and let's things happen, you know? A part of me really admires that. It's cute. The way HE does it is cute, anyway. There was a pause in our conversation...and he gave me that really sexy look of his. Where he just kinda smiles..just a little bit of a smile...and he stares into your eyes without saying anything until it's almost uncomfortable. Ugh! It's adorable! I'm like, "What?"

And he's like, "Hehehe, what?"

And I'm like, "Nevermind. You're a weirdo."

And Trace goes, "That and much worse, I assure you." Then he's like, "Billy...why don't you come over tomorrow? We'll kick it for a while, relax. I can't offer much more than a frozen pizza and a few drinks, but it'll be a good time regardless. What do you say?"

The funny thing is, I really wanted to go. But...I knew better. I should really be spending time with my boyfriend instead. Crushes come and go, but...as tempting as it is, I'm trying to be a better boyfriend this time around. Even if my hormones are going BALLISTIC all day long! I was like, "I can't. I've kinda got...something going on this Saturday."

He's like, "Cancel it. Screw what you've got going on. I wanna see you. C'mon. Have some fun with me."

He's so....CUTE when he wants to be!!! I'm like, "Nah, I can't bail on this one. Maybe on Sunday though?" What am I doing?

I found myself staring at his lips. Are those the lips. Could I have just pulled him in by the ears and kissed him right there in the hallway to see for myself? Anyone who can kiss me the way I was kissed that night...he's got to be something out of this world.

So Trace and I made plans, and I guess I'm going over there on Sunday night. His dad will be home, but it's not like I was planning to roll around naked with him. It's just us...hanging out. So....


Wait a second!!! I'll be right back!



Oh wow......


I had my computer on while I was writing this...and my email alert came on. And it said that I got an email....from BRANDON!!!

Wait...I'm gonna copy it right here, word for word, so I can remember this day forever!

"Billy...I was thinking tonight about the last time we talked. And I said some things that...were pretty rotten. I just wanted to clear my conscience and say...I'm sorry that I snapped at you. I guess I wasn't really being fair. I just...it was a bad time, ok? I'm sorry if I hurt you. The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt you."

- Brandon

So wait....what does THAT mean??? Where did THIS come from??? You have no idea how much adrenaline pumped through my system just seeing his name in my inbox! But seeing a note like that just..it just...holy shit! I'm so...breathless right now!!! What do I do? I mean...do I answer him? Does he even WANT me to answer him? Do I...? Ok...I'm gonna stop now!

I need to just...breathe for a while. Yeah, just....just breathe.

I'll write more later.


- Billy

He wrote me....he 'spoke' to me. I can't...I don't even....wow.....

The "Kiss Mystery" List


~Bobby Jinette~



~Jamie Cross~


~Jimmy LaPlane~




~Stevie (GRRRRR!!!)!