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- I'm seriously starting to think that I'm severely lacking in self control. But I feel really GOOD about it for some reason! Hehehe, maybe it's a moral dilemma, or maybe I just feel to weak in the knees to stop myself. Either way, I keep grinning from ear to ear.

You know, this morning I actually got a little bit worried about things. I mean, I got all dressed up and got over to Sam's house again. I tried to not go over so early this time though. For one thing, I didn't want his mom seeing me (Can't understand why. It's not like she hasn't seen me before.). And for another, I didn't want to be TOO obvious about the fact that I was seriously drooling over him as much as I was. And I don't just mean that figuratively either. I mean, when I'm near him, my mouth literally starts to salivate, and I get this wiggly feeling in my stomach that won't let go of me. Ugh! It's so weird! I just can't stop thinking of that boy being naked and on top of me! It's driving me crazy!

Hehehe, I'm officially stating here in this new book that I am fully aware of what kinda shit situation I'm putting myself in! I really am! I just...he's sooooo cute! I've been waiting my whole life for this. Any day now he could turn around and say 'Ok, Billy. That's the last time.' know...that would suck, but I'd TOTALLY be ok with that though! Just..for now....hehehe...I want all the 'Sam' I can get my hands (and my mouth) on!

Anyway, he wasn't home when I got there. It was HARDLY like Sam to want to get to school early. Not Sam. just not in his character. So I thought for a moment that maybe I was coming on a bit too strong after yesterday, and that he was now looking for a way to avoid seeing me at all. I definitely didn't want that. If that's a definite line that Sam wants to draw in the sand, then I can respect that. Besides, if I back off just enough, he might get comfortable again and let me have some more nookie! Hehehe! Anyway, it freaked me out a little bit, but when I saw Sam at school, he didn't let on that anything was different at all. He even made sure to say, "See ya at lunch." Which was another good sign. Huge sigh of relief, you know?

So Sam and I went to eat together in the cafeteria in the middle of the day, and even though he was still EXTREMELY cute to me, sitting there looking all perfect and sweet...I made sure to keep my hormones from boiling over. Sometimes a little space is necessary. I'm still not convinced that Sam is anything other than horny at this point. But I'm silently thanking God in Heaven every five minutes for being his temporary solution to the problem.

Anyway, Sam was talking to me about his gym teacher smelling like day old sweat and sports cream twenty four hours a day, and we were having a laugh about it...when I saw his eyes get distracted by something. And he got really quiet all of a sudden. I sorta looked back behind me, and I saw Jamie Cross and Joanna searching for a table in the same room. You know, I'm not even really involved in that situation, but even I felt a bit of a 'sting' over it. Jamie was carrying his tray, with both his and Joanna's lunch on it. Always the gentleman. Giving Joanna all the attention and maturity he had at his disposal, while she evidently soaked it all up like a sponge. She seemed....'happy', you know? I mean, I've seen her happy before today, was different. Can't really explain why. Whatever Jamie is doing for her, he's obviously doing it right.

I turned back to Sam, who had lowered his eyes to just concentrate on eating an apple off of his tray. I could have let it go and just left him to his thoughts...but...sighhh, as always, I can't stand to see Sam hurting. It makes me feel rotten inside, you know? I was like, "You know what? No'll find somebody a million times better. She had an awesome boyfriend, and she totally blew it by being selfish. You know it. She knows it too."

Sam shrugged his shoulders without looking up. He's like, "Whatever. I don't care. Honestly, I can't even remember the last time Joanna and I even really talked to each other. It's getting easier and easier to not miss her by the day."

He didn't say anything else right away, but I was like, "Still...she really got lucky once. She had the winning lottery ticket. And she screwed it up. So to hell with her." It's weird, but I felt kinda bad saying that. Joanna was being sorta 'nice' to me these days.

Sam told me, "I'm the one that screwed it up."

I was like, "Yeah, but you tried to fix it, right?" He nodded. So I said, "Alright then. What else can you do? You deserve somebody who's head over heels for you. All day, every day. Somebody who just spends their day thinking about how special you are and how they're not gonna let you out of their sight. Not for a minute. Because you're too precious to be taken for granted."

I think Sam tried to hold back a rather sentimental smile. And I aw his cheeks turn pink in the cutest way. He was like, "That sounds great, Billy. But I don't know if I'm gonna find some girl who's gonna be all that crazy about me."

I grinned and was like, "Well...TECHNICALLY, I said someBODY, not just some girl...but I suppose anything is possible."

That made him giggle out loud, and he rolled his eyes at me. He said, "Hehehe, keep trying, fancy pants. You might just flatter me into switching teams." Ohhhh, the possibilities. I raised an eyebrow, but he threw his balled up napkin at me from across the table. He was like, "I'm kidding, Billy! You're gettin' all excited again."

I told him, "I know. Sorry. Can't help it sometimes. What can I say? You're...'exciting'." Sam's eyes met mine, and his smile faded a bit...but not in a bad way. It was more like...he was touched. It made me proud. I looked away from him and back over my shoulder at Joanna and Jamie, who were sharing a laugh with one another. I think they were holding hands under the table too. Like I said...she was happy. I noticed that Sam had fallen silent again, trying his best to ignore their presence altogether. I could tell that he was still a bit heartbroken. Not that I half expected it to just magically go away just because he wanted it to. Two weeks ago, I was scared to even leave Sam alone by himself. He was in soooooo much pain. His whole aura had changed. Seeing him smile was the only thing that put me at ease. I peeked back over my shoulder one last time, and I said, ", like...did Joanna get FAT, or what?"

Sam burst out laughing, trying hard not to spit apple chunks out over the rest of the table. He covered his mouth with his hand, trying to hurry and swallow before the dam burst. I started laughing along with him, which only made his situation worse. Hahaha, there's nothing like sharing a quality laugh with someone special. It's the king of all connections.

Sam finally got his mouth empty and laid his head down on his forearms, his body shaking with giggles. He's like, "Omigod, Billy...dude, that was great!"

Needless to say, it kept us smiling for the rest of the lunch period. Easily.

Still, it made me wanna kiss him on the lips right there in front of everybody. You know...honestly, something about Sam makes me so sex hungry. Is that weird? Maybe it's the whole 'forbidden fruit' aspect of it all, but whatever it is, it's making me hornier than ever. After school, I actually went three times in a ROW! Which was like...ouch! But I came hard all three times. Maybe I had a build up or something. All I know is, if Sam keeps teasing me with that sexy butt of his and those soft lush lips, I'm gonna have to find myself some cute boy on the side just to keep me from attacking my best friend every time he gets within 'licking' range!

The end of the semester is coming up, and that means a ton of extra homework on top of a ton of extra studying for my exams and all. I am SO not looking forward to that. But at least I'll have a free Summer to look forward to. So if the grades stay up, no credits to make up or anything, I'll have a whole three months to do nothing but make love more love! Which is awesome!

Trace gave me an ice cream sandwich today in the hall. It was half melted, but I was more concerned with the fact that he just randomly had an ice cream sandwich on him and was giving it away. I guess his dad brought it to him when he dropped off something that Trace left at home today. Sometimes, when Trace talks about his dad, it's almost like he's talking about a total stranger, you know? Almost the same way he talks about the detention hall monitor. No more real affection was involved at all. It made me think of my own dad, and realized that I hadn't called him or even really thought about him much since I moved back home. It wasn't that I was mad at him or anything, I just...I guess that was a part of my life that I didn't have the energy to real deal with the way I wanted to. At least not right now.

I wonder if I'll talk about my dad that way one day as time goes on. Disconnected. In the past tense. Is he just gonna fade into my memories as that 'guy that used to live with us when I was little'? I hope not. I should probably talk to him this weekend. Just to say...I dunno....something. We didn't really leave on the best of terms last time I saw him.

Trace still wants me to come over to make up for last time. Hehehe, make up WHAT, I wonder. You'd think it would be pesky for him to keep asking, but it wasn't. Not at all. He was adorable when he did it. I dunno...I'll go back over soon. It's up to Sam, really. I'm sorta sticking close to him as often as I can. Just in case. But maybe some time soon.

I wish that I could say that everything went smoothly today...

But not quite. I got another email from Lee tonight, and it asked, "Are you home?" I didn't answer right away. I was thinking it over, or maybe just procrastinating, and I wasn't sure that I was willing to get into that weird situation again. But after about five minutes of having that nagging at my conscience, I sent him an email back.

I said, "I'm really sorry, Lee. Ok? It wasn't anything personal. I promise." I should have just kept silent, but I felt guilty bout just having Lee waiting at his computer for the rest of the night, looking for an answer that I wasn't sure I was ready to give him yet.

He wrote back instantly, and he was like, "But what did I DO, Billy? Can you at least tell me? Please?"

Ugh! Why was he breaking my heart like this? I didn't want to hurt Lee. Not EVER! I felt like such a jerk.

I didn't send another response. The inevitable conflict was a bit intimidating. He's gonna make me hurt his feelings. I know he is. Awwww...Lee. :( I'm sorry!

He wrote back again, saying, "Billy?" Then another time a few minutes later to say, "Can I call you? Can we just talk?" About ten minutes later, my phone rang. I knew it was him. I didn't answer. I just wanted to be away from him. Just...'away'.

I don't get it. I really am confused. NOW he loves me. All of a sudden, he can't bear to hear that I was unhappy having my affections ignored. But just this past weekend, I come right out and TOLD him that I loved him, giving him a million chances to return the sentiment. And what does Lee do? He did everything short of throwing down a gas pellet and vanishing in a cloud of black ninja smoke, all to avoid having to say it back to me. How can he be so oblivious of how I feel when he blows me off like that? It's exactly what Randall was talking about. Center of his attention one day, hardly a blip on his mental radar the next. Well, I'm tired of trying to guess which version of Lee I'm gonna get from day today. Sam may be straight, but at least he's consistent. Stable. What Sam tells me on Monday, has the same depth and meaning on Friday. With Lee? Psh! I doubt he even remembers what he told me beyond the few seconds that it takes him to say it.

Somehow his insane instability has made ME twice as insane just trying to keep up with him.

How are we ever going to be in sync when he works so hard to keep me from knowing what to expect all the time.

Anyway...the weekend is coming up. My mom is going out for a little while with some friends from work tomorrow night. So I'll talk to him. I'll set things straight with him. It'll suck, but I suck for leaving him hanging without an answer. Just like I told Sam least Lee is making an effort to fix things. And that's more than I expected from him. When I broke up with AJ, I just stopped talking to him, and he just stopped caring. Done deal.

Still though, Lee deserves to at least talk to me about it. After being shut out of Brandon's life, and watch Sam go through it with Joanna...I kinda don't want be that guy and do that to somebody else. I don't know what to tell him, but I'm sure I'll think of something.

God, I'm gonna miss being with Lee on the occasional weekend though. Jellybeans and giggles, rented movies and pizza, and then...slow, romantic, sex. Hehehe, Lee can really REALLY be overwhelmingly sweet when you got the chance to bear witness to it. It just...happened to be really rare. Too rare to depend on, I'm afraid.

Shit, I've gotta go. It's getting late. And I'm going to Sam's early again tomorrow. Hehehe, I'm just gonna keep doing it until he takes me again. I know he wants to. He still gets semi-hard when I look at him a certain way, so I know that he's thinking about it. I'll break his will power down again soon enough. I can practically taste him already.

Yay, for seduction success on behalf of the 'pink team'!

I'll write more later! Seezya!

- Billy