- This weekend is seriously NOT turning out the way I hoped it would. And I'm not even actually sure how I was expecting that it would turn out to begin with, but it wasn't like this, that's for sure.

Maybe I'm just being cranky. Who knows? But sometimes you just WANT life to be grand and have some fun..and the whole freakin' WORLD just doesn't want to play along. Fine....whatever. I should have just stayed home today, locked myself in my room and stayed away from all human contact whatsoever. I might be in a better mood.

I was actually grinning from ear to ear when I woke up this morning. My mom made French Toast for breakfast, the sun was shining brightly, I had a sweet breeze blowing in through my bedroom was the perfect Saturday morning, you know? So I was all excited about seeing Sam and just hanging out for a while. I figured we'd go to the Hill or to the mall or something. You know. just 'friendly' stuff. It's not like I'm a total perv! I can just hang out too sometimes.

Anyway, SAM was the one who just wanted me to come over to his house instead. He was like, "I'm feeling kinda lazy today. Why don't we just hang out in my room for a little while, and then we can go out later if we think of something else to do?"

I was like, "Cool. Give me a few minutes to hop in the shower, and I'll be over soon."

So, I go over there...and remember, this was HIS idea...and I was sitting on his bed. Sam is like...walking around in nothing but his boxers. And they're not even buttoned or anything. He's just looking all cute and sexy and he's smiling and talking like always...but he still doesn't really wanna go out anywhere. His mom's not home either...and I'm just...I'm kinda thinking...'ok, so maybe Sam is trying to give me a hint here.' You know? Like...Sam doesn't just come out and say, 'hey, let's have sex'. I kinda have to guess. I thought he was totally giving me all the right signals today, so I figured what the hell? Right? I could definitely do worse things with my Saturday afternoon than engage in hot passionate sex with my blond hottie of a best friend. So I go for it.

I was kinda flirting a little bit, and I told him, "You know, if it was up to me, you would never have to wear more than what you've got on right now."

Sam giggled, like, "Yeah, I'm sure I wouldn't. Fortunately for me the rest of the neighborhood is a little less skanky than you are."

I'm like, "Dude! Hehehe, don't call me skanky!" I kinda gave him a little push, but I let my hand linger on his stomach for a second or two. He looked me in the eye, and it made me blush a little bit, but I put my other hand on his waist, hoping for another one of his sexy kisses. He was looking really cute today. He leaned away from me though.

He's like, "Is that all you ever think about anymore? Geez."

I said, "No. I think of other things too. Just...none of it is even half as exciting." I wrapped my arms around his slender hips a bit more, but he pushed my hands away. His cheeks were pinkish in color, but he turned away from me. So I sighed and kinda just sat back down on his bed. I saw Sam put on a t-shirt, but he looks even hotter dressed than he does undressed...if that's even possible. It was this bright red t-shirt that made his light blond locks look like rays of sunshine, I swear! He was in front of me, and I kinda reached out my foot to touch his butt. He smacked my foot away, and I giggled. I was like, "Ow! Hehehe! Quit hitting me! Don't play rough..." I bit my bottom lip and smiled, and I wiggled my toes as I reached out for his butt again. This time he smacked my foot away a bit harder. "Ahh! Stop! Hehehe!"

He's like, "Well, stop pervving on me then!" I gave him a bit of a strange look, but I kept my grin, because I still kinda thought that he was playing around. But the look on his face was so different. It was almost like he was glaring at me.

I was like, "Wait...are you SERIOUS?"

And he's all, "YES, Billy! I'm serious! Knock it off."

It was an unexpected sucker punch to the emotions, and I found myself getting instantly upset. I said, "I was just JOKING, Sam. Jesus!"

He says, "No, you weren't. Just don't...start touching me today, ok?"

Don't TOUCH him??? Is that what he fucking said to me? Why is he getting mad at me? What the hell did I do? I asked him, "What the hell is your problem?"

And he just rolls his eyes at me. He didn't even say anything at first. Then he's like, "I'm just not up for that shit today, ok? So...don't."

I'm like, "You could have just 'told' me that, you know? I'm not a mind reader. Just tell me what's on your mind, and I'll stop..."

He abruptly says, "Well, this is me telling you 'no'. Ok?"

And I'm like, "...Fine...." But to be totally honest, I felt like I had just practically been accused of rape. I didn't mean to disgust him by thinking he's cute and wanting to something as DIRTY and inappropriate as 'touching' him in some way. Excuse the fuck out of me!

I tried to ignore the feeling and let it go...but it really hurt. It was like it came out of nowhere and just blindsided me for no reason at all. How am I supposed to fucking know when he feels like being intimate and when he doesn't? What did I do that was so wrong? Did he NOT just kiss me yesterday? Did we NOT make out for like five minutes straight? What happened between then and now? What, is he a freakin' SCHIZOPHRENIC now???

I sulked. I pouted. And then, honestly, I just got plain bored with him today. I don't know why. Like I said, I didn't go over to his house looking to get off. I just wanted to spend some time with my best friend and enjoy a little sunshine. But...I don't know...being outright rejected like that, it kinda pissed me off. It was like...why the hell am I wasting my time even talking to you then? If he doesn't even want me to touch him, why was I even there? I didn't feel like entertaining somebody who's gonna panic every time I think about giving him a kiss or a hug. I don't think I ever felt so strange in his house before. Seriously.

So after about fifteen minutes of near silence between us, I sat up and was like, "You know what? I think I'm gonna go. You wanna do something tomorrow?"

Sam rolls his eyes at me AGAIN! He's like, "Oh, so is that how it is now?"

I'm like, "What are you talking about?"

He says, "If I thought you were gonna be like this, I never would have done anything with you in the first place." Just great, Sam. Twist the knife in my stomach a little HARDER, why don't you? You haven't quite severed the spine yet. I told him he was being silly, and he's like, "Don't expect to just come over here for some dick whenever you feel like it, Billy. I told you what the deal was with that."

I told him, "No, you didn't, Sam. You never tell me ANYTHING! But you don't have to. I'm tired of trying to fucking figure you out. Do what you want. I've got better things to do than sit here next to you without being able to touch or talk to you. You don't need me for that, you can do that by yourself."

He says, "Billy, I'm just saying..."

I cut him off, like, "I HEAR what you're saying. I heard you loud and clear. Don't ever touch you. Don't expect any affection from you ever. Don't think about you. Fine. I get it. I'm gross to you. So fucking forget it. I'll never bother you with a sexual favor ever again...since it frightens you so much."

Sam got up as I stormed out of his room, playing the whole sad puppy dog faced apology role again. He's following me to the door, like, "Don't be like that."

I said, "Isn't that what you just SAID? Right or wrong?"

He's like, "That's NOT what I meant, ok? Just...don't get weird on me. We're best friends."

I said, "Fine. Whatever. Friends. No more sex. I just won't ever touch you again. Since it's gonna fucking ruin everything to be attracted to you. I'll keep my hands to myself. Forever. You don't have to worry about me bothering you ever again."

Sam sighed out loud, and kept me from leaving right away. I looked down at his feet, my bottom lip sticking out slightly as I tried to mask the ache of rejection that was poisoning my heart mercilessly at that moment. He put a hand on my shoulder, and he was like, "Billy...I'm sorry. Alright. It's my fault. I shouldn't have freaked out."

I mumbled, "I told you, it's fine. If you think I'm being dirty then I just won't be dirty anymore." I almost felt tears in my eyes. Was it shame? Or was it actual heartbreak that I was feeling? Maybe it was just the sudden shock of the incident. I think I slipped up somewhere and let my emotions get the best of me. After holding back from Lee for so long, I guess I had gotten a little overzealous with the expression of my true feelings. Maybe I was being too overconfident.

Sam made me look him in the eye, and he's like, "I meant it, k? I'm sorry. I was being a dick. I'm just...I'm not up for that stuff today."

I just repeated the word, "Fine. It's fine. I'm sorry too." Did I mean it? Even now, I don't know for sure. But we sorta made up before I left, and Sam even gave me a hug. A really close, loving, hug.

Then he kisses the top of my head, and he says, "I'm not saying 'never', ok? Just...not all the time or anything. It was...good. But we're still friends, right?" I nodded, the emotion finally being suppressed back down to where it used to be since the first time Sam kissed my lips in the daylight.

More mixed signals. So now it's not 'never'? What does that mean? Just sometimes? Birthdays and Christmas? Maybe on Leap Year?

I'll tell you what it means...

It means that I have to be sexy and interested whenever HE feels like it, but he's not obligated to do the same for me. That's what it means.

Well, fine. I'll keep my 'perverted' little hands off of him. And the next time he gets all horny and wants some attention, maybe I'll just give him the exact same treatment he gave me today. Let's see him feel rejected and totally unwanted when I run away from his affections for a change.

I've been sulking over this all night. My mind won't let it go. I don't know why Sam's reaction hurt so much, but it's obvious that this situation is not going to be what I thought it was going to be. Which means my whole perspective on this 'friends with benefits' thing is gonna have to change.

Sighhhh...I really miss my Brandon at times like this. I didn't have to deal with these bullshit limitations all the time. Lee wanted sex just as much as I did, and he was ALWAYS ready for a hot afternoon together. He couldn't get enough of it. But when it came to any kind of true non-sexual affection or intimacy...he was a complete dud. I got nothing from him at all.

Now I've got Sam, with all the brotherly love and hugs I could ever want...laughs and friendship and stuff in common and intelligence...but it makes his fucking SKIN crawl any time I try to touch him in a romantic way. So he's only HALF a relationship too. And both of them are equally frustrating.

Brandon was the full package, you know? We 'fit' together. He was perfection. Total perfection.

I looked at my emails tonight...and I saw Randall's name, and Bobby sent a blank email with just 'Hi' in the subject line. I even got one from Trace, but when I opened it, it was just a picture of a man having sex with a pig! Hahaha! Where the hell does he FIND that stuff???

Sometimes I I got myself another boy to fill in the parts that are severely lacking in the boys I'm most involved, if that would be bad? I mean, Sam wouldn't care, would he? He'd probably be GLAD to not have me bugging him for sex whenever I was super horny. It's not like we're in love or anything. On days when he doesn't 'feel like it'...I can just...go somewhere else. You know?

Hehehe, nevermind. I'm just fooling. That's how I got myself into the whole Bobby Jinette situation! I'm leaving that alone!

It makes for one hell of a good fantasy though. I'm gonna write back to Trace and goof around for a bit. I know I said I'd get back together with Sam again tomorrow...but...I don't know. The wound is still a little raw. Maybe it's best that I don't see him until Monday. Just to make sure I don't get all twisted up in my emotions and end up in another argument. That wouldn't be good.

Gotta run...

Hmmm...writing this down actually helped me to feel a little better. Crazy.


- Billy