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*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I make mistakes. Tons of mistakes. Sometimes I make mistakes by taking risks that I shouldn't have. Sometimes I make mistakes by NOT taking risks that I should have. But either way...it's like I just keep losing out either way.
But at any cost, I'm trying not to let it depress me too much.
I have to admit though....sometimes it feels like everybody else has 'life' all figured out. Everybody but me. And I just...I find it hard to find the energy to complain anymore. Sometimes we're just cursed, you know?
By the way, before I get into anything else, do you know what happened with Bobby Jinette today? I swear, I need to smack that kid silly for this...
I was actually looking for Bobby at his locker because Jimmy was thinking of hanging out again on Sunday, and I was going to ask if Bobby would feel comfortable bringing Ian along. I realize that it might be a little obvious if we said anything too 'gay' around him, but...Bobby's kinda looking for a way to tell him how he feels anyway. Eventually it's going to come down to just coming right out and letting Ian know he's hot for him. So why not, you know?
Anyway, I was lounging around his locker, and was surprised to see Ian walk up and say hello. He's pretty tall. Not freakishly so, but taller than me and Bobby, that's for sure. He remembered me from the few times we've bumped into each other and he was like, "I'm waiting on Bobby too. I was just gonna walk with him to class that's all. I see him at lunch, but I told him that we've got to get some actual classes together next semester."
I'm like, "Oh? I guess I just assumed that you guys already had a class or two together already."
He said, "Nope. Not a one. Actually, I met Bobby in the park, believe it or not. Which sounds kinda weird, but I don't know...we just kinda fell into a conversation and started talking." I thought it was kinda cute, personally. As shy as Bobby can be sometimes, he never has a problem with putting himself in close proximity to the boys he thinks are cute. Even if he doesn't say anything much.
Anyway, Ian and I were talking and sharing a few smiles, and FINALLY...Bobby shows up just a minute before the passing period bell rang. The thing is, I was gonna say hi and basically just let him and Ian spend the time together. Besides, I didn't want to ask him to the mall with Ian standing right there. You know, just in case he was uncomfortable with the idea. But Bobby? He TOTALLY gave me a suspicious look when he saw me and Ian standing there! And I don't mean a subtle 'maybe he did/maybe he didn't' kinda look. I'm talking a serious, 'get away from my man' look! Like...what the hell??? It's not like he caught me flirting with my hand in his back pocket! I mean...Ian's cute and all, but I'm not even interested in him that way. It never crossed my mind. He's Bobby's guy. I know that.
I think what really got to me was the fact that he had the audacity to even suspect that I would do something like that. I mean, didn't he *JUST* freakin' tell me YESTERDAY that I should go after Brandon behind Stevie's back??? Did he NOT hear me tell him that I'm not that kind of person? Isn't HE the boy stealing bastard between the two of us?
He didn't really say a whole lot to me, but he instantly made sure that he put himself right between me and Ian the moment he got close enough to do so. And then left to walk to class with Ian while giving me ANOTHER look over his shoulder! What the hell is his problem? I honestly couldn't believe that he did that. So much for asking him to the mall this weekend. I'd be scared to talk to Ian at all if that's how Bobby's gonna act over it.
That boy is never the same person two days in a row. I swear.
I did notice that Brandon and Stevie weren't as 'together' today as they usually are. On and off. On and off. I saw Brandon by the library by himself earlier, and I saw Stevie heading to his locker by himself not long after. Both of them looked unhappy. Bobby was right, they must be at it again. How can two people who fight so much stay together for this long? It's been a few months now, and I can't imagine that it's fun for them anymore if all they do is make one another miserable. I wonder if they still get...like...intimate with each other. Sighhhh...why does it hurt my heart to write that? I mean, I've got to be realistic...as much as I hate Stevie's guts, he's still a cute gay boy. And Brandon's still the prettiest boy in school. I've got to imagine that they get naked and horny as often as humanly possible. It's hard to hate somebody when you're on the edge of an afternoon orgasm.
I really miss that. Sex with Brandon. Actual sexual contact. He had the sweetest way of looking into my eyes whenever we made love. He could make a single touch mean sooooo much.
Anyway, it's weird to see them apart again. But before I go sticking my nose in things, I'll wait for them to start sharing giggles and sneaking off to lunch together again. I've had enough heartache to last me for quite a while. No need to go searching for more in a place where I'm sure to find it eventually.
Other than that, school was kinda boring today. One of those never ending Fridays where you just can't WAIT to get out of that place and run to the nearest weekend activity as quickly as possible. For me, that was being able to spend more time with Trace. I was really looking forward to it before, but my enthusiasm died down a little bit when Simon warned me to be 'careful'. Reckless. That was his exact word. It made me scrutinize every word I said to him tonight, and every word he said back to me. Was I making it up in my head, or was I denying what was right in front of my face.
I was expecting some big adventure with Trace tonight, as that was the norm with him. No plans. Just a spontaneous burst of inspiration and following our giggles into a series of early evening high jinx. Things didn't quite work out like that though.
I sorta went straight over to Trace's house after school. My mom is still bugging me to call my dad and figure out some time for us to get together and...bond or something before he moves away. (The less I think about that, the better. It's not that I don't care...I just don't want to care) Anyway, I just wanted to have fun with Trace tonight and not be bothered by my mom's weirdness. However, when we got to his house, Trace's dad was in the living room. He had his laptop open on the coffee table, and he was sitting straight up...'sleeping'. Like...with his head back and his mouth open. It was the weirdest thing ever. He looked DEAD! I'm surprised that Trace didn't freak out.
Then we noticed the half empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the floor next to him, and some in a glass next to the laptop. Trace didn't even expect him to be home at first, and he instantly got upset. He was like, "Dad?" But his dad just snored louder. And he shouted, "DAD!!!" Waking him up. He asked, "What are you doing here? What the...where is Mikey?" His father seemed groggy still, half drunk, half asleep, unable to think straight. Trace didn't wait for him to answer. He stomped out of the room, calling out for his little brother with no answer. He looked all over the house, then came back in the room even angrier than before. "Did you pick him up from school today like you were supposed to? DID YOU???"
His dad was like, "Shit...what time is it?"
Trace rolled his eyes, like, "What the FUCK, Dad??? You can't just...UGH! You know what? Forget it! Just fucking forget it!"
His dad slurred out, "Hey! Watch it!" Trace snatched up his glass of Jack, and downed it right in front of him. He said, "What...what did I tell you about drinking, Tracey?"
Trace was like, "You said when I'm old enough to buy, I'm old enough to drink. So I owe you a five spot." The sarcasm in his voice was a bit scary, as watching them argue was making me really uncomfortable. I didn't know if I should move or stay perfectly still so they'd forget I was even there. His dad attempted to get up and look for his keys, but Trace said, "Sit down! Don't hurt yourself, I'll go get Mikey myself. Like I *ALWAYS* do!!!" They went back and forth like this for another minute or two, and Trace walked by me and grabbed me by the arm. He said, "C'mon, Billy, let's go. Screw him..." And before I knew it, I was being dragged back out the door and to the bus stop.
Trace was fuming. Even more than that, he was worried. His foot was tapping like crazy, and he checked down the street for the bus so many times that you would have thought he could mentally 'will' it to show up faster. It was awkward. I had no idea what to say to him. I don't think I had seen him this riled up before.
We got on the bus, and he kept mumbling curse words under his breath the whole way there. Then he'd look at me and say, "I'm sorry, dude...just...ugh!" And he'd go back to mumbling again.
Luckily, it looked like on of the teachers had offered to stay behind and watch over him, because she was sitting there with him when we showed up. I could barely keep up with Trace, he was walking so fast. This was a bit later than the last time, and instead of a bouncy little boy, Mikey seemed really tired, and a bit pouty when he saw us. His little bottom lip was stuck out as he got his backpack and took Trace's hand. He said, "You forgot me..." In the most adorable voice ever. But despite being a bit mad, all Trace had to do was hold his arms out for Mikey to slide into his arms and hug him around the neck.
Trace said, "We didn't forget. You know I wouldn't forget you, bud. What would I do without my spaz, right? Huh?" He kissed Mikey on the cheek and turned to leave, but the teacher stopped us and gave us some piece of paper. Some flyer with a business card on it.
She was all like, "You know, if there's a problem or a conflict with the end of the school days, we do offer some very affordable after school programs and activities. If your parent or guardian would give me a call, we could discuss some other options."
You know, it's funny how some people can sound like they're being nice and caring, but you can detect the snottiness in their voice anyway. Trace just kinda gave her a look and said, "No. No problems. No conflicts. We're fine." But she made another comment about him giving the paper to a 'guardian'. Trace so upset that I'm glad he had Mikey in his arms, otherwise that lady would have gotten quite a profane blessing before we took off.
I stayed pretty quiet on the way back to his house. Mikey sulked a bit, but I was sure he'd be himself again once he got home and got a hold of his toys or something. Trace carried him in and took him upstairs with us telling him not to wake 'daddy'. And we kept him with us for the rest of the evening. His dad didn't even come up to check on us. Not once. It made me feel kinda bad for the two of them.
All this time, I've been avoiding my own dad..and he was nowhere NEAR as bad as this jerk.
Trace and I went out to sit on his roof to look at the stars as it got dark. Mikey took a nap on a blanket he folded up in the middle of the floor. I don't know how difficult preschool is, but between that and his long wait for someone to pick him up, it tuckered him out like a 12 hour a day construction job. Hehehe!
We talked for a while, but it was obvious that Trace was still kinda pissed off. He was leaning forward, some of his dreads fell into his eyes...holding his knees. God....he was soooo beautiful. Some times more than others. I think a part of his heart just seemed really 'exposed' at that particular moment. Is it totally wrong to think that his pain was sexy? Well...not his actual pain. Just the fact that he was reacting to it. I'm not used to Trace being bothered by much of anything. It's different to see that he can actually be affected by an emotion other than 'whatever's clever'. You know?
I was a bit speechless, but tried to fore myself to say something to break the awkward silence. I was like, "I'm sorry about...you know. I mean, at least Mikey's ok, right?"
Trace just kept looking forward. He's like, "Is he? I mean, he is for now. But what about tomorrow? Or the next day? Or next week?"
I said, "It's not your fault, Trace. He's not your responsibility. Not completely."
He paused for a second, and he's like, "What can I do? I've got a father who can't do anything right...and a mother who thinks she can do no wrong. So I've got a choice, we can either stay here and be neglected, or we can go live with her and deal with her daily psychotic breakdowns. That woman treats every situation as though it was the end of the world. If Mikey so much as dropped a glass, she'd throw a tantrum and kick us both out in the street. It's just best if I keep him here. If nothing else, at least my dad will leave us alone." I was....like...staring at him. I couldn't help myself. I actually licked my lips a little bit, because the way my heart was pounding, I was almost CERTAIN that I was going to kiss him right there on the roof. And I wouldn't be able to control myself for much longer. My breath got short. My hands were shaking. I was hard as a ROCK in my pants. Then he says, "I know that I kinda screwed up your Friday night with this shit, Billy. But if it's any consolation...I'm glad you're here. Tonight would be a lot worse without you."
Oh God...I was TREMBLING inside. I felt myself leaning forward. I was so close that I could smell his aroma. I wanted him. I could just...I could just do it. Right there. Was this what Simon meant by reckless? Look at him...he's aching for some kind of....SOMETHING! Right? I leaned even closer. I was soooo scared, but I reached forward, and I took a hold of Trace's hand. And he held it. He did!
My trembling got ten times worse, and I leaned over some more. This time I had to scoot over so our legs were touching. Then, just as I was about to reach for his chin so I could turn his lips to meet mine, Trace put his other arm over my shoulder and he lightly pushed my head down to rest on his shoulder. Like...ummm....I don't know, was this just like an affectionate 'buddy' moment? Or...can I still kiss him? I was lost. Don't get me wrong, I was HAPPY to have my head resting on Trace's shoulder, still holding hands...but that wasn't exactly what I was going for.
I sorta lifted my head a little. I rubbed my nose against the soft skin of his cheek, his hair kinda tickling my face. I let my lips brush across his cheek, but he just squeezed my hand tighter and didn't really respond with anything other than a pat on the back.
It was one of those moments where I felt like...if I pushed this any further, there was a possibility that things could go really wrong, really fast. I mean, even with Sam, I know when to stop trying to force it. And Trace can be a lot harder to read sometimes. Maybe this wasn't the time. He had a lot on mind. I don't know if he'd appreciate me adding to his list of worries. But DAMN I wanted him bad! I wanted to shove my tongue down his throat so bad that I couldn't get my erection to go down. Not the entire time that he was holding me like that. Sighhh...if only he'd let me at least give him a very passionate hickey on the side of his neck, at least it'd be something.
Anyway, like I said...either I risk everything and lose...or I risk nothing and lose. But tonight...I think I allowed myself to go a bit further than I would have normally. I wouldn't call it 'brave' necessarily. More like...helpless against my impulses. Hopefully it'll get me where I want to go when the time is right. And hopefully that's soon.
I've gotta go. I think...I might actually give my dad a call tomorrow. I don't know about starting any big countdowns until the day he walks out of my life forever...but after tonight...the least I could do is call. I don't ever want to look at him the way Trace looks at his. I don't think I can.