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...Because if you find the secret code, Greyson Michael Chance says he's giving out free naked cuddles! You CAN'T miss out on THAT!!!*

*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)


- I got a weird spam email from Lee's email today. Just some 'click the link' commercial bullshit that the whole world would be better off without. I guess some virus or something sent it to me from his email address. The strange thing is...when I just saw his name in my inbox, with 'Hi! :)' in the subject line....I don't know...I felt kinda weird about the whole thing. I was almost afraid to open it, to be honest. But too excited to help myself.

Instant visions of him laying on top of me on his living room floor. That first, sigh worthy, kiss on his couch. The first time I got to slide that sex meat of his between my lips and over my tongue and taste the thin sheen of SEX on that boy! It all came rushing back to me. He might have been emotionally distant, but physically....that boy was damn near perfect in every sense of the word. It's funny how just seeing someone's name in your inbox can arouse all kinds of old gooey feelings from the past.

Heh....the 'past'. I say that like we broke up years ago. Psh! was like I had almost forgotten that we were actually a 'couple' for a while. Seeing that it was just spam was disappointing. It made me realize that I kinda missed Lee, you know? Strange. I should write him some time. Just to be friends. I mean, as cute as he was, he was still a really fun and cool person. Just not...boyfriend material. I kinda like the sweet and intimate stuff. The cuddles and the kisses and just bursting out with 'I love you' out of nowhere. Brandon was awesome at doing that. But Lee...well, he's not that kinda boyfriend, I guess.

Ugh, why does everything I think and feel have to ultimately lead right back to Brandon? Why can't I just let him go and get him off of my mind for just ONE day without feeling this emptiness inside? I'm just being ridiculous at this point. It's pathetic, right?

It doesn't help that I have to open this journal every night and know that it was a gift from him. Maybe he put a wicked spell on it or something. Who knows? I just wanna stop thinking about him for a while. Just for a little while. I'm totally exhausted from dealing with my feelings on the subject.

I did call Sam today, but he's at odds with his mom again. I have no idea what their fight was about, but evidently, Sam said something that kinda crossed the line, and now he's grounded for a week. Hehehe, Sam does have a bad habit of dancing on 'the line', even where his mom is concerned. But stepping over it is never a good thing. Looks like he's homebound this week. With no TV, no visitors, no after school activities, and no internet, believe it or not. Yikes! I can't even imagine being that cut off from the world. That's harsh. There could be a terrorist attack tomorrow, and he'd never know! Sucks!

Anyway, I had a very interesting time today, following 'Plan B'. Hehehe!

I called Jimmy up to see if he wanted to go to the mall this afternoon, just to kick it for a while, buy some junk food, watch some cute boys walk by...but he said he was totally tapped for cash. His birthday is still about a month away, so he's stuck with a small allowance until then. But still, I was bored, and I said, "Well, we don't have to go anywhere. We can just hang out or something. You want me to come over for a little while? Or maybe you can come over here?"

I could hear Jimmy smile over the phone. He's like, "Really? That'd be awesome. Why don't you come over here. My mom's home, but she's in 'tranquilizer' mode, so it'll be like having the house to ourselves. Whaddya say?"

I'm like, "Cool. Give me about 20 minutes, and I'll come over."

It was just the two of us today. Although I was almost looking forward to talking to Bobby Jinette again to ask him what the heck was with him giving me the old 'stink eye' the other day over his new boy, Ian. But whatever. At least I wasn't stuck at home. Jimmy seemed to be in a really giggly mood today for some reason. I could tell that he had something on his mind. I can always tell by the way he looks at me. It's like...he wants to say something, but he shies away from it at the last minute. He's finally all like, "Billy, if I tell you something, you promise not to get all overprotective and upset like you usually do?"

It struck me as odd. I was like, "I don't do that. What are you talking about?"

He says, "Yes, you do. Sometimes you do. And I don't want this to be one of these times. So just...stay cool headed, ok?"

I could have argued my point a bit more, but it just would have kept me from finding out what he was getting at. So I told him, "Fine. Whatever. What is it?"

He smiled at me for a second, and then rolled his eyes a bit. He's like, "I heard from Alex yesterday. He called me."

I'm like, "Alex? Like AJ, Alex?" Jimmy nodded, and I gritted my teeth in an attempt to hold back a sour look.

Jimmy's like, "He says he misses me. He asked me if I wanted to hook up on Tuesday after school." that part, I wasn't able to ignore. "God, Jimmy...who CARES what AJ says? You know he's just looking for a stupid booty call. I hope you told him no." Jimmy blushed a little bit, and gave me a wink. I said, "JIMMY!!! Dude! What the hell, man?"

He whined, "Come on, Billy! Alex is sooooo cute! And he wants me to come over. I'm sure he doesn't have a shortage of boys that want to go over to his house for a long afternoon of hot sex with a teen beauty like that."

I was appalled. I asked him, "What is it with you? I thought you were done being used and taken for granted. Now you're gonna let him do it again?"

Jimmy said, "I *LIKE* sex, Billy! Hehehe! And Alex is really good at it. know...I didn't say 'yes' to it or anything, but...I'm kinda thinking that I might. It's gonna be so hot, getting to have him on top of me again. I just wanna have fun."

I could have exploded, but that was exactly what Jimmy was expecting me to do. So I tried a more rational approach instead. "You know he doesn't care about you, Jimmy. I already know that, right?"

Jimmy's like, "So? It's not like he's my boyfriend anymore. We're just getting together to screw and kiss goodbye and that'll be that. What's wrong with that?"

I said, "Because...that's, or whatever. I mean, don't you want something more than a couple of shags on his bedroom floor?"

Jimmy says to me, "Well...yeah, Billy. Sure I do. But...I don't have that right now. I mean, I'm not staring longingly across the cafeteria at some boy that sets my heart ablaze with his smile. And nobody's chasing me with flowers and a box of candy at the moment. So why not have some fun with someone who wants to have fun? I'm not gonna get wrapped up in it like last time. And I'm sure I don't have to worry about Alex getting all emotionally attached to me afterwards. So...I was would be cool to get some passion in my life again this week." Jimmy heard me sigh with frustration, but giggled at the fact that I was struggling sooooo hard to hold back my judgements on AJ. That kid is SUCH a heartless user. Jimmy says, "Don't tell me that you've never thought of just banging some hottie for the pure joy of sharing an orgasm with somebody. I doubt you could even say that without being struck by lightning."

I said, "That doesn't mean that I was right to do it."

He answered, "It was right for you at that particular point in time. You had fun, the other person had fun, and you parted ways without any hang ups about it. You could think of it as a really intense extended 'handshake' between boys. Hehehe!"

I thought for a moment, and I said, "But...just...isn't it meaningless? What am I supposed to really get out of it other than a few minutes of pleasure? I'm just getting off. Where's the reward in that?"

But he just answered with, "Where's the reward in masturbation? Isn't that just getting off? Isn't that meaningless? But it feels good. It relieves tension. I don't know about you, but I do it as often as I get the chance. Being with Alex is no different. It's just...masturbation with a partner. A really HOT partner with a long erection and a cute ass. He makes me horny. I make him horny too. So...I dunno...I kinda need the attention right now."

I groaned, "Ugh! I just....Jimmy, I wish you could find somebody else besides AJ to drool over. There are other boys out there, you know? Boys that you could actually 'feel' something for. It would be so much better than letting AJ mess with your head." I said, "You could really be a dream boy to somebody if you just gave it a chance."

He rolled his eyes again, like, "Thanks for the pep talk, 'coach', but it's totally unnecessary. I know I'll find a boy to love me someday. But it won't be between now and Tuesday. So I'm taking advantage of the appetizer before the big meal is served. I wanna be naked with somebody, Billy. I wanna wrap my legs around a hot guy and have him 'take' me while I moan in ecstasy. I wanna tongue kiss with another boy until my jaws hurt and my lips are turning purple. Hehehe, it's's what I need right now." Then he adds, "TELL me that you wouldn't rather be having sex right now. Tell me. Hehehe, I would. EVERYBODY would! If society didn't make us feel so damn guilty about our desires, we'd have sex all day long and never get ANYTHING done! Hehehe!"

It was obvious that I wasn't going to really change his mind on this. At least not today. But I said, "The whole casual sex just doesn't work like you think it'll work. I mean, I had this...friend...and we did some sexual things, thinking that it could just be fun for us both, made things kinda weird between us. I kinda wish that I had left that particular door closed, you know?"

I thought Jimmy was paying attention to the message in what I was saying, but instead, he just gave me a sly grin and asked, "Who was it?"

I'm like, "Who?"

He's like, "The friend. Who was it?"

I smiled and said, "I can't talk about it. The POINT is..."

But he persisted, "C'mon, Billy! I won't tell, promise. Tell me." I refused him a few more times, and the all of a sudden, his eyes widened to the point of bursting, and he shrieked, "OMIGOD!!! It was SAM, wasn't it???? Was it Sam? Oh SHIT, please tell me it was Sam!!!"

Jesus! Does every secret that I've ever had just run across the top of my forehead like an electric stock market billboard???

I denied it right away. I'm like, "No! I didn't say it was Sam! Geez...that's....that's crazy..."

Jimmy was bouncing on his mattress now. "Oh God....the thought of you and Sam doing things to each other is like the hottest thing EVER!!! Holy shit, I feel like I have to jack off right now! Did you video tape it??? Can I have it???"

I pushed his shoulder and laughed. Like, "Don't be a perv! Sam's my best friend."

He giggled, "That makes it even hotter, if you ask me. Oh man, I want Sam to do EVERYTHING to me! Hehehe, the two of you together, that's like....volcanic lava kinda hot! Dude, you just made my night. You HAVE to tell me every last detail!!! Right down to the taste of his candy sweet cum! Please, Billy! Be a pal! I told you about me and Lee! Tell me! Oh god...this is better than porn!"

I'm like, "STOP that!" You're weird!" But something tells me that Jimmy is going to be teasing me about this for years and years to come. I didn't tell him the truth. The LAST thing I need him to know is that Sam and I have'close'. With his crush on me and his crush on Sam combined, he'd be camped outside of Sam's bedroom window from dusk till dawn from now on.

By the time I left Jimmy's house, he had badgered me to the point of being downright uncomfortable about it all. was kinda funny too. It almost made me wish that Sam wasn't grounded this week. It got me all horny again for his kiss. But then I thought to myself...Sam can't fall in love with me. He just...he can't. And if he's incapable of returning my feelings of romance and passion...then having sex with him wouldn't be any different than what Jimmy said he was doing with AJ. I mean, does that make me a hypocrite? Did I love Bobby Jinette when I was pounding those sweet marshmallow cheeks of his? Did I love Lee when we were having an intense 69 on his bed while his mother was away?

I thought I did. definition of love has kinda changed since then...

And...sighhh....that of course leads me right back to Brandon. My poster boy for the 'total package'.

I really just wanna stop thinking about this right now. Besides, I'm gonna touch up this History paper that I've got due tomorrow. So...yeah....I'll write more later.

- Billy

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