Thursday

- Trace actually decided to make an appearance at school today. I'm surprised that I cared as much as I did. I had basically convinced myself that writing Trace off for being a jerk would be easy. But I have to admit...I felt a slight untangling in my gut when I saw his brooding face moving around in the hallways again. I also have to admit that I'm curious as to what happened with him in the first place.

It's not something that I'm going to stress over. He didn't speak to me today, and I didn't make any effort to speak to him either. But I am sorta...you know...curious.

Sam is still being an ass. I actually thought about approaching him today to maybe call a truce between us. I'd even take the blame if it made him feel better. But, honestly, I just wanted to get back to being friendly so maybe we could fool around some more. I'd have to go easy for about a week, but...sighhh...Sam just looked really cute today. That's all. He was wearing that shirt that I love so much on him. The blue and green tie-dyed one? He's gotta know how horny he makes me when he wears that shirt. Seeing him today made me fall into an instant infatuation all over again. But when he saw me walking in his direction, he quickly shut his locker and turned to walk away from me.

Grrrr! How long is he gonna hold a grudge against me? Why can't we just get back to...being intimate again? Not all the time, just...when we get in the mood for something frisky. What's wrong with that? I know that I said I would stop, but the only real problem was that we hadn't talked about it or set any ground rules and boundaries before. There's gotta be a way to get some nookie every now and then and not have it be so...dramatic.

Whatever. Seeing as Sam wants to avoid me these days, I decided not to go to the cafeteria for lunch. There's nothing more sad than being seen sitting a gigantic lunch table all by yourself. It just looks lonely. So I decided to grab whatever money I had in my pocket and run to the nearest convenience store instead. Might as well stock up on enough junk food to fill my belly for the day, right?

So I grab some Slim Jims, two honey buns, a bag of Jolly Ranchers, some flaming hot potato chips, some powdered donuts, an Icy Mountain Gatorade, a Mountain Dew, some string cheese, and a Hershey bar, and I go up to the register. That's when the door opens, and I see Ian walk in. I swear, that boy gets more delicious every time I see him.

He's all like, "Are you stalking me these days, or what?"

I said, "Hey, I was here first. I should be asking you that question." I saw him grab a few snacks of his own and a grape soda. He looked at my stash as I paid for it all and giggled. I'm like, "What?"

He said, "Dude, your insides are going to melt if you eat all this stuff."

I told him, "I'm glad you're so concerned with my health situation. Hehehe, besides...I have a system."

He's like, "A system?"

And I said, "Yep. See, I eat the flaming hot potato chips and Slim Jims first. Then, to keep my mouth from being all rank and salty, I drink the Gatorade. Then I soften the blow with the donuts and honey buns. I up the sugar factor with the Hershey bar and the Mountain Dew, and then I finish with the Jolly Ranchers to get my breath back to being candy sweet all over again. See? It's the perfect set up."

I think he was impressed that my stash of garbage actually came with an actual plan. Hehehe! But he just shrugged his shoulders and he said, "If you say so. Have at it. You are a braver man that I, my friend."

I watched him pay for his stuff too, and just...looking at his profile...I don't know. Like I said, he was cute. I said, "I um...I read your story last night."

He's like, "Really? But what about your homework? I thought you were busy with stuff."

I'm like, "Your story was much more interesting, believe me."

I saw Ian get a little bashful about asking, but with a slightly increased shade of pink appearing in his cheeks, he's like, "So...how bad was it?"

I'm like, "Dude! Are you kidding me? Your story was amazing. I mean, it started out with action and stuff, but then you put in that little horror element to it, and a deeper story than I expected. I was actually really impressed. Oh! And I loved the part with the 'Killer Shrews' reference. That was cool. Hehehe!"

Ian's eyes widened, like, "Oh wow! You actually got that? I didn't think anybody had actually seen that movie but me. I'm so surprised you got that." His blush got a little deeper, and he said, "So...you really liked it, then? You're not just putting me on, are you?"

I said "Hell no! That was awesome! Do you really think you'll be able to make this movie with just a camera and a few computer programs?"

He's like, "Yeah. Why not? I mean, it won't be Hollywood Summer blockbuster quality, but I think I could make something really cool out of what I'm working with."

I asked, "Can I be in it?"

He was like, "You want to? Sure! That would be sweet!"

We both actually started to get ourselves all excited about it as we walked back to school together. If he had the camera, we probably would have started filming this afternoon. Hehehe! But this time I gave him my phone number too, just in case he wanted to call. It's sexy to see someone so passionate about something, you know? I'm going to find out whether or not he's gay. I have to know. Because he would be a great addition to the pink team if he is.

I'm sorry, but at this point it's like...Bobby who?

You know, I talked to Brandon for a bit today before last period. I don't know why I made the mistake of thinking that he'd have anything to talk about other than Stevie. Arrrgh! That's what I get for striking up a conversation with him in the first place. Somehow, Brandon's pretty eyes and kissable lips took a hold of me and drew me into his drama trap. But whatever. Maybe he'll get it out of his system soon.

He was going on and on, like, "That boy makes me so damn MAD sometimes! I hate it. But...I can't help but worry about him, you know? Those other boys really hurt him this time. I mean, we broke up, but I don't want him to get hurt. I still care about him."

I didn't know what to say. I don't think Brandon cared much for what I had to say anyway. He was basically just using me to be his therapist couch...venting everything that was on his mind while I sit there and listen. I would be frustrated by that...but a few minutes later, he said something that just...I dunno. It got to me.

He said, "I'm sorry. I know you don't want to hear all this stuff. I'll clam up about him. Promise. Just....thanks a lot, Billy. K?"

Confused, I asked him, "What are you thanking me for? It's not like I did anything to actually help you out."

And Brandon says, "Yeah, but...you're here. You're one of the only people who actually listens to other people. You care. I don't think I could ever tell this stuff to anybody else."

Should I feel good about that? I mean...like I said, I was sorta captivated by Brandon's beauty at the moment, so I might have been experiencing a lack of judgement there. But...I don't know, it gave me a bit of a warm feeling inside. Can't explain why. I don't WANT to be the guy people drown in their problems and then give me a quick 'thanks' before leaving me behind. I don't want to be the good guy. I don't want to be conflicted. I'm not a 'drama deposit box'. I'm a human being.

And yet...just knowing that Brandon...pretty pretty Brandon...was feeling just a little bit better...JUST because I was there to listen to what he had to say....

Sighhhh....it just made me feel good.

Maybe I'm just doomed to be the guy that gets more out of being used than by using others. I've got too much of a sensitivity to guilt for that.

I didn't dwell on it for long...but yeah...that comment was probably the highlight of my day. I still don't know why Brandon does this to me. Why he makes me feel this way. But I didn't realize how much I missed being close to him until he said that. I guess I'm just forever hooked on him, whether he loves me or not.

Ok, so I've had my sappy moment for the day. Actually for the week. I'm not doing this to myself right now. I actually heard back from Lee, and he said it would be cool if I came over tomorrow. Which is AWESOME, because I need some ass! I am tingling from the waist down all day long, just craving some action. I don't even want us to go through the pretense of pizza and a movie or anything. I want to fuck Lee as many times as humanly possible in the amount of time that we have that house to ourselves. And I'm gonna make it so good that he'll be wanting me just as badly. This once a week thing has got to pick up. I need it. I need it all the time.

Which reminds me, I've gotta write to Randall too and see what the hold up is. I think he's a bit weirded out about seeing me while he thinks me and Lee are together. But we're not. We're having sex. Lee and Randall had sex. Ma and Sam had sex. It's no big deal. I just need to put him at ease long enough to make him another option for when I get the urge to screw something other than my hand or a used sock.

We'll see what happens. Gotta run.

Laters.

- Billy