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*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I sat at my keyboard for at least 25 minutes tonight, just trying to think of something to say to Lee that might lead into a discussion about...well...you know.
I mean...honestly, I've been thinking about Randall since last night. I can't help it. I was soooo close! He was cute before, but now, I can't think about his smile without getting really hard. Is he a bottom? I just know he's a bottom. I WANT a piece of that sexy little ass of his! He's all super slim and slender around the middle, and that just makes his cute ass stick out even more. I could seriously just take a bite out of it like a freshly ripened plum! God! Pounding his ass would be so hot! But this Lee thing is going to be a problem. I mean...I can't just lie to Randall about talking to him, because I'm sure they're going to talk about it eventually. So that would be a no no. I mean...what happens if the sex is really incredible? I mean like, really REALLY mind-blowing! If he finds out I lied about talking to Lee, he may never let me have him again. And that would suck. Because Randall just looks like his whole body would taste like cotton candy. I've GOTTA have him more than once! I couldn't live without a second bang!
Sighhh...this shouldn't be hard. Lee's not an overly affectionate person. He never has been. I can just send him an email, and say that I think we should...'spread things out' a little bit. He can see other people, I can see other people...what's the harm in that. It's not like we're really dating or anything. Lee's gonna forget about me in a week, and just go back to being distant and weird, anyway.
So why do I suddenly feel so bad about writing this email?
I've started it at least five times now, and I keep erasing it over and over again. It's ridiculous. I don't know, maybe I'll do it tomorrow instead. I'll just come right out and tell him. I can't screw Randall until I do it. And that needs to happen, like...SOON! Because I am ACHING to get that boy naked and wrapped around me!
Anyway, might as well get into what happened today....
I was feeling...I don't know...I guess you could say that I was being a bit nostalgic today. After last night, I woke up to see Brandon's 'Billy Bear' still sitting in my bedroom window. It just...it made me remember that one day, when he came into my room all nervous and shaky, building up he courage to tell me that he liked me. I was sitting on my bed, holding a teddy bear, thinking about the look on his face...and I suddenly giggled to myself. I don't even know where the giggles came from, they just sort of bubbled up to the surface., and my smile wouldn't go away.
I really wanted Randall, and I wanted Lee, and...hell, a part of me even wanted Ian too. But there was always something extra going on with me when it came to Brandon. Thoughts of him just made me involuntarily happy. Like...there was no holding back. No sense of control at all. It seems like it was a lifetime ago when I kissed Brandon's lips for the first time. Right here in this room. I rubbed my lips with my fingers, trying to remember exactly how it felt at that moment. I was quivering like such a scared little boy...too excited to really absorb all the little details of the experience like I probably should have. I longed to kiss someone like that again. No complications, no seduction or manipulation required. I didn't even have to ask. We were just in sync like that.
Great...I'm doing it again. Getting all sloppy and dumb over a boy who has NO sexual interest in me whatsoever. Going back to being his 'friend' didn't appeal to me at all. I'd have to hold back how I really feel about him just to make him comfortable. And that's just asking for more pain and frustration. I'm trying to get rid of that, not pile on more.
Still...I wrote Brandon an email today. I realized that I was starting to ramble, so I cut it short. But I just...I guess I wanted him to know that he was on my mind. And that, on some level....I missed him.
I didn't SAY it like that, of course. I mean, I didn't want him to take me for some kind of a sucker and use it as an opportunity to dump on me again. But...for what it's worth, I hope it made him smile. Just like he made me smile today. Consider it my way of returning the favor.
I sort of caught a glimpse of Sam as I was going out to turn on the sprinkler for the front lawn. My mom has it in her head that she's gonna have the greenest lawn on the block this Summer, so she wants to get an early start on it, I guess. Anyway, he was outside on his front steps, and I thought to wave to him. I mean...I wanted to say hello, you know? I miss him too. But then, I saw the door open...and Stacey came out. I don't know why Stacey was coming out of his house. I don't know what Stacey was doing *IN* his house! But she was smiling....and he was smiling....and before I could even say anything to him, they ere holding hands and walking off to go be...'happy' elsewhere.
Did it hurt me?
I don't know. At first, it was a definite shock to the system, sure. But something in me was training itself to cover up the wound and numb the pain as quickly as possible. I mean....I get it. He's worried about his sexuality, so now he's running to the first girl who shows him some attention so he can go back to be 'hetero' again. Fine. Whatever. He'll miss me eventually. She's not going to be any better than Joanna was. At some point, she's going to stop giving him sex, stop showing affection, stop being the sexy girl he needs her to be. And when she does, he's going to come knocking on my door again. So let him have his little fun. I don't care. I just wish he'd stop playing games with my mind and come back to me already. He's the ONLY person that I was willing to let penetrate me anally. Not even Lee got that privilege. But.....whatever. I guess he's got issues to work out first. But that's ok. I can be patient, I guess.
At this point, I'd be happy to just be....'cool' with him again.
Why is it that I can't be both surrounded by friends that I love and care about AND still be able to think selfishly every once in a while? What is it that demands that I be a slave to the people around me just to maintain some level of happiness. I'm starting to think that I'm only entitled to one or the other. I can either go for the things I want and be totally alone...or I can take other people's feelings into consideration and continuously put what I want aside like it doesn't matter for the rest of my life, and let everyone else be happy while I stay in misery. Why is it like that? I really want to be selfish and just take what I feel I need from the people around me. They don't seem to have any problem doing it to ME! Do I have more conscience than your average person? And if I do...is that a bad thing?
I don't know why I'm so conflicted right now. I should be rejoicing over my freedom....but deep down, I miss the simple things. I miss Sam playfully shoving me to the side whenever I made a joke at his expense. I miss Brandon, randomly kissing me on the cheek for no reason while we were playing video games. I miss sitting on that rooftop with Trace....having him try to convince me to drink enough alcohol to loosen me up. I miss Lee taking me to the jelly bean store to pick out the best flavors to fill my plastic bag up with. I miss Simon, and Bobby Jinette, and Jimmy's crush on me, and Jamie Cross passing me in the hallway. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I just know that there's no way to be truly happy unless I'm completely open and exposed to the potential pain and suffering that each and every person I care about can bring to my life if I let them in far enough. I don't know if that's something I'm willing to do anymore. There are only two people who even come close to falling into that category. One is Sam. And the other is Brandon. Considering that I've been burned by both of them...I wouldn't say that they're the best bets right now.
I do wish that I could find the stupidity to trust them again, though.Because...it would be nice.
Gotta run. I'm gonna try to see if I can get this email together for Lee. Or maybe I'll just try to find a way to talk to him personally. Just so we can define what our so called 'relationship' is, and he gives me enough freedom to fuck his best friend. That's all I really need right now. I just want to feel good for a while.
Ugh! I'm starting to sound like Jimmy, aren't I? Ah well...so be it.