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*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I went to the Hill today.
You know, it's weird that I always use a capitol 'H' whenever I write about the Hill. I mean, in reality, it's just a dirty old mound of grass with a single tree on top of it. It's not all that big or steep...there's hardly anything visually magnificent about it at all. And yet...it holds this extreme significance to me. I think it always will.
I know that it's just my own personal history here...the times that I spent with Sam, goofing around and playing in the grass and laughing for little to no reason at all. But when I sit on that Hill....the feeling is no less important to me than the Civil War sites at Gettysburg, or Pearl Harbor, or the space where the Twin Towers used to stand. I sit there all alone, and I remember, and maybe even cherish, the memories of what happened there. And the fact that people may walk by this park time and time again, and they don't 'get it' like I get it....well, I think that makes it all the more special to me.
This was our spot. A place where Sam and I claimed for ourselves.
I could see the spot where we were wrestling and I accidentally kneed him in the balls. Hehehe, he curled up in the fetal position for like 20 minutes that day. And over there...that's where I fell off of the top of the monkey bars and nearly broke my leg. And over there...that's where Sam and I were like 9 years old...and we KNEW that our parents would be worried and that we needed to go home..but we basically played 'chicken' to see who would leave first. Both of us being stubborn, we stayed out there until almost TEN o'clock that night! Hahaha! Oh MAN, did we get into trouble that night! But we giggled about it the whole time. We had to make a pinky swear and call a truce to make sure that neither one of us could come back later and declare himself the winner. We had to make a pact just to go home. Hahaha! It was totally worth it though. We were the best and the worst influences in the world when it came to one another. I sorta miss that.
It felt really weird sitting there on the Hill...all alone.
Anyway, I'm not going to get in one of my moods today. It's Saturday, for crying out loud. Only happy things happen on Saturday. :)
I had a really cool conversation with Ian on the phone today! Super SUCCESS with the Bobby date yesterday!!!
Apparently, they went to go see the horror movie that Ian was talking about. Hehehe, Ian had an awesome time, but Bobby? Not so much. Well, I mean Bobby loved being with Ian, but I think he's a bit shaky when it comes to the horror movies. Which is awesome, because according to Ian, Bobby spent half the movie clinging to his arm and turning his eyes away from the screen by burying it into his shoulder.
Come to think of it...Bobby might have been faking some of that. Hehehe, Ian looks...um...soft. :P
Anyway, when Ian called and told me what a great time that he had, I was like, "Dude, that's fantastic! What did you guys do afterward? What did you do before? What did you do DURING???"
You know, honestly, I think that both Ian and I had forgotten that we were basically supposed to be...um...straight. Hehehe, at least for a few moments. We just...we talked, you know? We talked, we got excited, we giggled. We almost forgot that this wasn't supposed to be an actual 'date' as far as the other person was concerned. I'm glad they had fun, though.
Ian was like, "We shared popcorn, and our hands kept touching. We reach for popcorn at the same time. Isn't that cool?"
Hehehe, I was like, "I guess so."
In was giggling the whole time, and he says, "Bobby was kinda scared to watch the movie...or maybe he was just scared for...you know...other reasons."
Ian went quiet for a second. Almost as if he wanted to know how I was going to react to a statement like that. I think that's when we both put some small defenses up. You know....just in case.
I smiled and said, "You never know. Maybe he did."
There was another nervous pause, and I could just tell that Ian was kind of searching for something to say. Then he's like, "Yeah......maybe...." Then he fidgeted some more on his end of the phone. He says, "I just...I really have a good time with Bobby when he's like this. You know? He's...um...well, I mean....we just have a good time. I think...."
He went silent on me. Then I say, "Well, that's awesome. I think you two should have a good time together more often. Right?"
Another pause. Then, with a slightly shaky voice, Ian says, "Billy....? If I....like...if I tell you...um...'something'...." He stopped talking. I mean, he REALLY sounded scared on the phone. Then he's like, "You know...Bobby....I think....I mean, I just like being....around him. Do you...kinda get what I'm saying?"
I'm like, "Yeah. I think I know what you mean." I don't know what it was, but I started getting a little bit shaky myself. I don't know...something about Ian's nervous jitters was really cute to me. I think he was actually thinking about coming out to me at that moment!!!
He says, "I've always thought that Bobby was....cool. He just...he wouldn't talk to me, you know? He kept avoiding me and not answering my emails or my phone calls. He wouldn't let me....be 'happy'. Does that make sense, too?"
I said, "Hehehe, yes. That makes sense too."
I think I kinda confused Ian by being so understanding about this whole thing. I don't think he knew what to do with himself. I didn't want to come right out and say, 'You're GAY, aren't you?' I mean...I remember how much it freaked me out when Simon first asked me. It was so quick, and so blunt....I wasn't prepared for it at all. It just seemed like it would be kind of rude for me to do the same thing to Ian. But...honestly? I think he was actually trying to tell me who he really was, and even though he didn't do it all the way, I really got kind of excited by it.
It was MORE than cute! It was admirable. I almost wished that I could have had the guts to do that almost a year ago when I started writing in these journals. I can't imagine how cool it would have been to just....'be me' in a time when all I knew was inner conflict and pain. Confusion. Why keep pretending that I don't like what I like? ESPECIALLY when I have people around me who are willing to accept it, and love me for who I am. I swore to myself that if Ian told me he was gay, right then and there on the phone...then I was gonna out myself too. I was totally gonna do it! I was almost anxious for him to say the words! Most of my past experiences with coming out have been 'accidents' for the most part. Brandon being the exception....um...sorta. But this time? I was thinking that this time would be fun, you know?
He chickened out though.
Or...t least I think he did.
Once he changed the subject, I got all weird and paranoid about it. Did I misinterpret what he was telling me? Did he get weirded out and change the subject to keep me from being creepy? I don't know. But for a moment there...I think Ian was gonna spill it all. I wonder...if I come out to him first...will that inspire him to do the same? After Stevie talking about making moves to let people know who he really is, and being with AJ for long enough (who doesn't seem to care much, one way or the other)...I dunno. I think it's kinda neat.
Hehehe, you know, I would NOT have been thinking this way last year! The idea of letting anybody know about me would have been the most apocalyptic thing imaginable! And now?
Now...it's just this glowing 'possibility' in the back of my mind. You know? I think I kinda like that, though.
Ian didn't talk to me much more after he got scared and shut down on me. But I'm thinking...if I had to tell someone else that I was gay...Ian would be the next one on my list. Him or Jamie Cross. But I'm still not sure if Jamie knows for sure, or if Joanna just made him suspicious. Who knows?
I'd love to tell Trace...but....
I think I should wait on that one. He hasn't really been overwhelmingly homophobic or anything. But he HAS kinda referred to gay people in ways that...well...kinda make them sound like a whole other species from him. I never know how comfortable I should be around Trace. I never know when I'm crossing the line. Ugh! I wish this 'gaydar' thing came with an instruction manual!
Anyway, I have to go. I'll do my homework tomorrow. I'm tired. But I'm glad that I got a chance to clear my head at the Hill today. It helped. It really did.
Oh...I got a text from AJ today. You know what it said? It says, "Hey! Robin's house! Tomorrow afternoon at 3 PM! It's on! Are you game?"
I wish that I could say that...I ignored it. But I didn't. Just seeing the words alone got me all hot and bothered again, and I would have to be a complete IDIOT if I said that it didn't make me think of hot hot hot sex again!
It's true. I see it. I FEEL it!!! Cute teen boys....I WANT them!!! I can hate myself for it later, but...I don't know how to get around the truth of the situation. And the truth is...
...They turn me on! Hehehe, even AJ! Damn his slutty soul!
So I took a page from Bobby Jinette's playbook...and I texted back, "Mayyyybe...." with a smiley face. And for the same reason. I wanted it BAD...but there's no need to let anybody else know that. Hehehehe!
So...I might just be going over there again tomorrow to get my freak on one more time. Robin is...he's sexy. He's sexy in a way that I've never experienced before. I'm just curious to see what else I can discover about...er...things like this.
Hey, it's new to me! And it feels good! So wish me luck! Teenagers are supposed to experiment, right? I'll be more knowledgeable when I'm 30! Hehehe, maybe!