Thursday

- Jamie Cross put me in the sweetest headlock today in school. Hehehe! I know that sounds weird, but it's true. Jamie and Joanna walked up behind me as I was going to class, and Jamie put his arm over my shoulder and pulled my head down to give me a noogie. But it wasn't rough at all. It was so soft and gentle. His abdomen is all tender and slim. I think that's the first time that I ever had my face mashed against it before. God....that was awesome! He smells like sunshine and vanilla! Hehehe, I could inhale that candied scent all day.

Anyway, he was just being super friendly today. And Joanna was right there on his hip, smiling the whole time. I still find it hard to believe that we used to date. And now she gets to bump and grind with the hottest boy...ever. Weird.

So, at one point, Jamie was like, "So, that was crazy yesterday, huh? The thing with Mitchell?"

I was like, "Who, Stevie? Yeah. Um...pretty wild." That's when there was this really subtle and awkward silence between us. It was short, a microsecond at best, but it was something that I couldn't ignore. I'm still not totally sure whether or not Joanna ever told Jamie about my sexuality. I never got a straight answer from her on the whole thing. But that tiny little silence, however brief, made me wonder.

Jamie was like, "It takes a lot of guts to do something like that. I think everybody should be able to be themselves without worrying about who else is watching. I mean, who cares? Right?"

I looked over at Joanna, trying to keep my facial expression locked into place. A nervous jitter ran through me, and I was like, "Y-y-yeah...I uh...I totally agree." It suddenly became hard to swallow. I never actually considered coming out to Jamie Cross. I always just kinda hoped that he would figure it out while he was naked on my bed, mid-blowjob.

Fantasies always make everything so easy...

The bell was getting ready to ring, so we wrapped up an increasingly uncomfortable conversation. Jamie was like, "Take care of yourself, Billy boy." And he gave me this....this 'look', you know? I can't describe it. Not even if I tried. But I know that he never looked at me like that before.

Ugh! He knows, doesn't he?

I don't know why, but I felt totally humiliated by that thought as they walked away from me. Especially when Joanna gave me a wink and a smile. I think that maybe this was a part of what Stevie was talking about though. I mean...why am I embarrassed? Is it shame? Is that what I'm feeling? Is it guilt? Maybe I just feel....exposed, you know? It's hard to tell. It's an uneasy feeling though. One that I could do without.

Speaking of Stevie, I got a chance to talk to him right before lunch today. He still seemed a bit shaky and nervous, but happy. I wonder how he was able to pull that off. I asked him what was up, and he said, "Well...I did it. Yesterday, I went in and filed a report with the police after school. It took longer than I thought it would, but...it's done. I guess it's up to the courts to decide what happens now."

He gave me a timid smile, and I was like, "Wow. Well, congrats, dude." Then I grinned, "That's small potatoes when compared to the big courageous news that you dropped on everybody yesterday."

He was like, "Hehehe, would it make me seem less courageous if I told you that I felt like throwing up from the second I walked out on that stage?"

I said, "I don't blame you! That was crazy! I seem to remember you saying something about not planning to buy time to out yourself during the Superbowl?"

Stevie giggled, like, "Yeah, well...anybody who tries to make good on their little nasty threats towards me now aren't going to be able to sneak around and do it in secret. Everybody knows. If they lay another finger on me they'll have both the school and the police to deal with. That is, if the other supportive students don't beat them to a pulp first. For now, I'm hoping that'll keep me out of harms way." Stevie crossed both his fingers, and I have to admit, that was a smart way to go.

Looking at him, his little knicks and bruises were almost gone. He really is kinda pretty, you know? Almost in the way that Brandon is pretty.

NOT that I'm saying anything more about him than that! It's just something that I noticed. That's all. He's pretty in that slender, artsy, emo, kinda way. He always looks like he needs a hug. Hehehe! I wonder if he'd be as soft and tender as Jamie Cross' headlock.

There is one thing that really kinda worried me today. It made me feel so....I don't know. Helpless? There just isn't anything that I can physically do to get Simon to slow down. And when I saw him today, he was in the corner of the cafeteria all by himself with two giant energy drink cans. One of them was already empty. His hair looked a little frazzled, his eyes bloodshot with bags under them. A condition magnified by his thin glasses. And even though he had consumed enough liquid sugar to give a horse a heart attack, he still looked like he was fifteen seconds from passing out in the middle of his textbook.

He didn't even see me until I sat down across from him. He gave me a friendly hello, but I didn't even get into any small talk with him. I reached over and moved the energy drinks to the side, but he lashed out an arm to stop me. He's like, "Wait, what are you doing? I need that."

I said, "No, Simon. What you need is some sleep. Look at you. What are you doing to yourself? Stop this. Are you crazy?"

Simon's face wrinkled up a little, and he just...he looked so defeated at that moment. His shoulders fell with one of the most depressing sighs that I've ever heard in my life.

He was like, "I just don't understand, Billy. I'm trying to get this stuff. I'm trying to remember it all and get my notes to make sense...and they just...they just DON'T! I keep trying to FORCE myself to get it right...but the harder I push, the more the facts get all jumbled up in my head and just...I can't concentrate on anything!"

I told him, "It's ok, Simon. You'll do fine. You always do fine."

He said, "No no no...I can't do 'fine', Billy. I have to do GREAT. Nothing less. My parents are counting on me. My family is counting on me. My teachers are counting on me. If I screw up my grades now, they won't ever ever ever go away. I'll pass, sure. But it'll be a blemish on my record for the rest of my life. It'll taint everything that I ever want to do. Everything that I ever want to be. Nobody wants me to do something 'average', Billy. They'll tear me to pieces if it's anything less than excellence."

It kinda hurt to hear him say things like this about himself. I mean, I've never seen Simon so flustered before. I said, "Dude...don't you think you're taking this a bit too seriously?"

He's like, "No. I don't. You don't understand how much pressure is on me right now. You don't understand what's being asked of me. I've got two weeks, Billy. Two weeks left before finals. And I'm looking at this...stupid fucking book! AND it doesn't make ANY fucking sense at all!!!" Simon actually pounded his fist on the book and slammed it shut as a few tears rolled out of his eyes. His hands were actually trembling with anger and despair, and I had NO idea how to make him feel any better whatsoever.

Simon sniffled a few times, then he lifted his glasses to wipe his eyes before opening his next energy drink. I tried to comfort him, but Simon actually begged me to just leave him alone. I mean, he was pleading for me to walk away so he could concentrate on his work. What else could I do? I mean, I think I was stressing him out MORE by trying to get him to calm down.

He is quickly on his way to a nervous breakdown at this point. Maybe the tutor needs a tutor? Because if he crashes and burns before finals, he's going to throw himself on a samurai sword and split himself wide open.

That would not be a good thing.

Anyway, last bit for the night, because I have homework piling up on me again. I'm not going to push myself as hard as Simon is, but I don't necessarily want to screw up my finals either.

My mom has been hounding me again about talking to my dad. She keeps saying, "Summer is a lot closer than you think, Billy. This is something you shouldn't put off, for much longer. I know that you're busy with school and all, but...if you can, I'm sure he'd like to hear from you."

I groaned over it but I didn't make too big a fuss. To be honest, she was right. I don't think the idea of him actually moving away this Summer has truly sunk in yet. It just...seems unfathomable to me. I guess I block it out most days.

So, I dial the number, the phone rings, and the sweetest little high pitched voice answers! He's like, "Chase residence. This is Mikey. Who, may I ask, is calling?" Hahaha! It was the most adorable thing I've ever heard! He could barely pronounce all the words right, but he made an excellent effort!

I'm like, "Hey, Mikey. It's Billy."

He gasped and got all excited. He's like, "HI, BILLY!!!" I guess the little squirt missed me.

Then...I heard Trace's voice in the background, asking for the phone. Mikey didn't seem to want to give it up right away until Trace practically pried it out of his little hands. Trace was like, "Go play! Go." Then he's like, "Hello?"

I was kinda worried about what to say to him first, but it's not like I was just gonna hang up on him. So I finally got up some nerve, and I said, "Hey. It's me."

At first, I didn't even know if Trace would recognize my voice. I don't know why I thought that. It just seems like it's been a while, I guess.

Trace was like, "Billy? Dude, what's up?"

He was so...'normal' about it. I mean, he couldn't have forgotten how mean I was to him before. He caught me off guard with that.

I asked if my dad was around, but Trace said that he stepped out to shop for boxes and all so he can start packing up the little things around the house. We talked for a few minutes, with Trace having to stop every 30 seconds to call out to Mikey in the background to keep him from making mischief.

Then...

After trying to ignore that sour feeling in my stomach from holding it back, I said, "Trace...about...you know....that day when I said what I said..."

Trace stopped me, and said, "Aww, dude, don't even sweat it. I mean, I get it. I crossed the line..."

But I told him, "No, Trace. You didn't. And I was an asshole about it. I totally suck for that."

He's like, "Billy....dude, really...you know me well enough to know that I wouldn't stress over something like that. Whatever happened, happened. Let's just call a truce. What do ya say?"

I felt the biggest smile cross my face. And I was like, "Um...yeah. Ok. I'd like that. I'd like that a lot."

Trace said, "Good. Because I miss you. And because if Mikey asks me when you're coming over to 'play' again just one more time I'm gonna end up chloroforming that boy with a dirty rag!" It felt good to share a laugh with Trace again. Maybe I had this whole conversation built up in my head. Trace is known for being rather laid back about...well, almost everything. I shouldn't have expected this to be much different. Then he says, "Hey, we need to hang out some time soon. Seriously."

It just sort of came out of the blue. But that's Trace for ya. I said, "Hehehe, ok. Where are we going?"

He's like, "If I told you that, it would take all the fun out of it." He snickered wickedly and said, "This Saturday night. Just show up. We'll take it from there."

I started to ask him, 'Show up where?', but he said goodbye, and I found myself on the wrong end of a dial tone. Hehehe, the party boy strikes again.

So...all in all...a good day. Simon needs to be fitted for a straitjacket, but besides that...a good day.

I'm hoping for a string of them from now on.

I'll write more later.

Laters.

- Billy