Monday

- I've been a sucker! A real Grade A sucker!

And to think...after talking to Sam on the Hill yesterday, I was actually starting to think I had the world all wrong. Maybe knowing who you can and can't trust is just a random coin toss after all. One that I've lost more times than I won.

But I'll write more about 'Randall' in a few minutes....

I'll have to admit that I was a bit nervous about seeing Sam again today. I don't know why. I'm glad that things are back to being 'friendly'...but can I really say that they're back to 'normal'? I mean...Sam has a new girlfriend, I'm sort of running around looking for a boyfriend of my own...and then Sam and I have that weirdness in our past now. I'm pretty sure that we could very well go the rest of our lives without ever mentioning it again and be just fine. But I don't know if things will ever be exactly like they were before.

Who knows? Maybe they shouldn't be.

We did share a few cool moments this morning though. It put me at ease, if only for a little bit.

I was walking past Sam's house on my way to school. Trembling slightly, I didn't know if I should be bold enough to ring his doorbell. I didn't want to ruin our current truce by being too forward about us hanging out again. So I slowed down as I passed his house, and I kinda peeked up at his bedroom window to see if he was looking for me. Much to my surprise, he walked out of his front door, fully dressed, and ready for class. I was so used to Sam just getting out of the shower and getting dressed at this time of morning that the idea of him being this far ahead of schedule came as quite a shock to me today.

He actually smiled and wanted to catch up to me before I got out of range. You know? And it was cool. It was a sigh of relief for me, honestly. I had forgotten just how bright and soothing Sam's beautiful smile could be. It just...it lifted you up from the moment you saw it. Something about it just made you feel like he had constructed that particular smile that morning, and was saving it and displaying it just for you, ya know? It always gave me the tingles. I couldn't stop giggling. He really did make me feel good.

I don't know how I made it through the last few weeks without him.

I just remember walking with him on the sidewalk, typical sunny day, and it was like nothing ever happened. Is this the resolution that I was looking for? I think I'm being paranoid. I don't know, I just thought, after all the animosity and turbulence that our little incident caused, that it would be much much harder to mend than a simple fifteen minute conversation in the park. Should I just be glad that I'm getting another chance and leave well enough alone? Or is there something missing here? It's going to continue to bother me until I know for sure. And my gut tells me that I'm going to make Sam feel weird if I keep pressing the issue. But what else can I do? My insecurities won't leave me alone. I don't know. I'll keep my mouth shut for now. Maybe this feeling will pass and I won't have to beat the proverbial dead horse until we're both unable to talk to one another anymore.

Sometimes, you just have to learn to let things go. You know? Just...leave it alone and move on.

Even when it bugs you....

Anyway, at one point, Sam asked me, "So...are you gonna be doing the big assembly thing like Stevie did any time soon?"

He said it with a giggle, taking the usual opportunity to make fun of me. I was like, "HELL no!!!"

Sam said, "There you go again with the 'hell no' treatment! What is it with you?"

I told him, "That total exposure thing is not for me at all. I have too many people knowing about me as it is. The less I flash my 'interests' to the student body at school, the less I have to deal with the kind of stuff that Stevie has to deal with. And that suits me just fine."

Sam grinned at me, and he said, "So does that mean 'never'?"

I told him, "Well....I don't know about never. Just...not right now."

He's like, "Hehehe, what's it going to take, then? What magical event is going to suddenly make you change your mind and come out of the closet, all gay and fabulous?"

I honestly didn't have an answer for him. I had no idea what to say. Hmmm, I guess I hadn't thought of that before. So, joking around, I just told him, "Maybe if my best friend came out with me, and we got married so we could live in the woods together, happily ever after. That might work."

Sam laughed a little too loud for my tastes at the idea. And he was like, "So....you're saying never then, huh?" Ouch!!! Hehehe, I know he didn't mean it like that. But still...he could have at least humored the remaining parts of my childhood fantasy for a few more moments. Geez!

I was like, "I guess I'll just have to keep searching for my Prince Charming, then. Won't I?"

Sam said, "Well...I mean, Stevie didn't mention having a boyfriend or anything. Not that I know about. Maybe...you and he could..."

I stopped him right there! I was like, "Umm, NO!!! NO NO NO!!! Do you not pay attention to me? Do you not remember my issues with Stevie???"

Sam was all like, "That was ages ago. You didn't even know him back then. Not really. I mean, if he's available and all..."

I said, "NO! Sam! Jesus! It's not about him just being available. Me and Stevie? NOT happening! Get it out of your head already."

Sam thought about it for a moment, and he says to me, "Well what's up with that Brandon kid? You guys were kinda tight before, right? You were dating. Why don't you just try to patch things up with him. It's been, like, an ice age since you two really talked to each other. He's gotta be over whatever it was that split you two up by now."

Sighhhh....if only that were true.

I told him, "I don't think it would be a good idea...getting wrapped up in that again. At least not right now."

Sam was like, "Why not? I thought you were all about getting him back and being happy again."

I said, "I know that's what I was shooting for before. But now? I'm not so sure. I guess it's just...complicated."

Sam was like, "What isn't complicated when it comes to this stuff. If you think it's gonna get easier someday, I'm willing to bet that it won't."

I'm like, "Yeah, maybe you're right. But...I just realized that there is so much that I haven't done yet. So many things that I want to experience. So many boys that I wanna be with. Something tells me that if I try to get back together with Brandon now, I'm still gonna be tempted and horny and I'm just....Im going to mess everything up again. If I break his heart a second time...he'll never forgive me."

Sam asked, "So...you don't want to get back together with him?"

And I'm like, "No. I DO. Brandon is everything I ever wanted. I just don't think I'm ready yet. That's all. Does that make sense?"

Sam was like, "Hehehe, no. But if it makes you happy, then I say do it your way. I wish you the best either way."

I thought about it for a minute or two as we kept walking, and I asked him, "You really don't get what I'm saying? About...you know...waiting until I'm ready?"

Sam says, "Oh no, I get what you're saying. Dude, trust me, I understand. But I also remember the sad puppy dog look that you kept on your face for weeks when he started dating somebody else." Then he's like, "I'm all for logic and waiting around and stuff...but, Billy? Seriously...sometimes you've just gotta go for something bigger than just...some random fling. Brandon's a person too. It wouldn't be fair to just put him on hold and have him wait for you to make up your mind. He's not guaranteed to be around later."

I was actually pretty surprised that Sam took that point of view. I mean...really? Sam? I said, "But people date and hook up and sleep around all the time."

He said, "Well, that's different. They don't know what they want. They're searching for someone they want to be with. You're the lucky one in all this, because you already know who you want to be with. You found the incredibly rare golden ticket, dude. Maybe it works out, maybe it doesn't. But if you want Brandon...then go for Brandon. What are you wasting time for?"

I'm not sure what it was about that statement, but it kinda had me thinking about it for the rest of the day. I was pretty sure that I was being rational and logical about the whole thing. But now I wonder...have I really just been 'wasting time'? Am I just scared to give Brandon a serious effort? If he's what I love and I what I'm looking for...then why does it terrify me so much to think of us being together? Honestly...what is it that I'm looking for elsewhere? Screwing Robin and AJ on the weekends? A 'casual' sex buddy in Lee? A maybe/maybe not relationship with Trace? Like Sam said....maybe Brandon and I will live happily ever after, and maybe we'll split up in a week. But am I a coward for not even trying?

What if he's the one? What if Brandon ends up being the greatest love of my life, and I ruin it by making him wait and taking him for granted?

It made me think about Lee, and his second attempt to try harder to really connect with me. But....I just wasn't as interested the second time around. He sorta missed the boat as far as my affection was concerned. What if Brandon feels the same way about me? I mean...he has been avoiding me an awful lot lately.

Anyway, all weird thoughts aside, I managed to catch a glimpse of Simon at school today. I didn't get to say much more to him than 'hi' when we passed each other, but he did seem to look a LOT better than he did before. I mean, there was no way that a one night trip to the Aquarium with me and Trace was going to cure the weeks and weeks of endless torture he's been putting his body and mind through...but I saw a definite improvement. He's going to sleep for a MONTH once Summer hits.

I've got to go soon, but I just want to comment on this...

Randall....

Why do I feel like I've been duped?

I finally got an email back from him tonight. And you know what he said? He's like, "Lee and I are back together now. And I'd appreciate it if you limited the time you spend talking to either one of us for a while. K?"

WHAT????

What the fuck is he talking about???

It was clearly the craziest message that I have ever gotten from Randall since I've known him. And it wasn't even unnecessarily cruel. It was just like...what the fuck?

I started thinking about it. And I was like, "Wasn't it Randall's idea for me to break up with Lee in the first place? Wasn't he the one that...that...

Then it hit me. And it felt like a big sucker label got stamped on my forehead. I can't be sure...but something tells me that keeping me away from Lee was his idea all along. After we broke up the first time, he was the FIRST person to jump on him and start 'fooling around', as he put it. For all I know, he might have been running a con game on me the whole time.

I don't like this! Not at all! If I find out that he played me for a fool...I'm gonna be majorly pissed!

Ugh! I've got to go. But yeah, Randall has some explaining to do. And I know Lee isn't talking to me right now, but he needs to know that he was conned too. What the hell? Randall was supposed to be the 'good guy' here! I can't believe that I actually wanted to sleep with that jerk!

Well...I still kinda do. But now it's all gonna be about the hate-sex-anger-bang now! Asshole!

I'll write more later.

But believe me when I say that I'm going to get to the bottom of what he just wrote me. I don't want to believe that he would just stab me in the back like that.

Seeya.....

- Billy