Saturday

- Today didn't go the way I thought it would. Or...well...then again, maybe it did, when I think about it. If I'm being totally honest with myself here...I probably should have expected this. But...you know...

I didn't...

I went to Robin's today. I was conflicted about it. Again. I hesitated for as long as I could, looking for reasons not to go. I kept thinking about Jimmy talking about how he just wanted to feel good for a while. And I was intrigued by the idea that AJ wouldn't be there this time around. I think a part of me wanted to believe that there was so much more to Robin, and that the big 3-boy orgy was getting in the way of me discovering who that beautiful person was beneath all of that dirty talk and tongue kissing. Honestly, I had it in my mind that Robin was somehow holding back from his true self. Because, much like the first time AJ and I dated, he had been transformed into some kind of undercover boy-whore by AJ's dirty tricks. I just wanted to believe that he had been corrupted. Even more exciting...that he could be 'saved'.

But I think I was wrong.

Some people just are who they are. Maybe this is who Robin is as a person. Maybe I just...have to swallow the disappointment and frustration...and leave it alone.

I dunno....I was kind of holding out some hope for him. I mean...Lee is out of the picture, Randall swiped him, Sam's straight, AJ is the Devil incarnate, Trace is about as vague as he can be without being a total ghost to me in every sense of the word...I just...I don't think that I'm 'connected' to much of anybody right now. And I miss being able to feel that subliminal 'tug' towards other people. I miss that emotional touch that kept me from feeling so alone. Not 'alone' in a way that depressed me or made me feel isolated in a bad way. But 'alone', meaning that I don't feel like I'm able to really relate to another person the way other people relate to each other. I just don't feel involved in anything. I'm just hovering around on the outside. Outside, looking in.

It reminds me of when my grandmother had pets around her house all the time. Always one dog and one cat. The dog would see me enter the house, and he'd run up and wag his tail and lick my face and play and climb all over me until I was having so much FUN that I was giggling until my stomach hurt! God, I LOVED that dog!

The cat? He used to sit on a window sill. If I was lucky, he come over and sniff my fingertips. He didn't like to be petted. He didn't like to be picked up. And more often than not, he'd run away if you had the audacity to even approach him. He was the least affectionate cat on the face of the planet. The closest he ever got to me was during the times when I poured food in his dish. No feeling. No connection at all. What was the point? I could have gotten more love and understanding from a cockroach.

That's what I feel like right now. A dog lover in room full of snotty, emotionally distant, cats. It's soooo lonely.

Anyway, from the moment I arrived at Robin's house today....that was exactly what I felt. A total lack of connection. As soon as he kissed me deeply on the lips, his tongue erotically sliding in and out of my mouth with a slow and sensual rhythm...his slender body vibrating with an adrenaline rush that came with his lustful craving for yet another weekend sex fest in his basement...I knew that today was just going to be more of the same. No surprises. None. I couldn't really get into it. To be honest, except for Robin being HOT, and his ass being a really tight hole for me to fuck whenever I asked him to give it to me...I couldn't find a single appealing thing about him. I think I went along with it just to be polite. So the pleasure was all his. Me? I could have stayed home and jacked it off into the garbage and been just as satisfied.

Listen, when it's just sex? The first time is exciting. The second time is naughty. The third time is an adventure. But now? It's like...Mom's spaghetti. It's not that it's not yummy...it's just...'predictable'. It shows up every few weeks, and I know the taste. I know the texture. I....I just know, ok? As Robin dragged me into the basement and stripped me naked, sucking the fluids from me with a hunger that made me wonder if he had any gag reflex at all...I found my mind floating around to think other aspects of my life. Just to pass the time. As he was riding my erection and whimpering lewdly in my ear while sucking on the side of my neck, I found myself wishing that I could learn more about that sweet 'Leave It To Beaver' side of him instead of just...you know...doing 'that'.

Whatever 'that' was.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what I want anymore. This feeling in my heart, it was something that sex, sugar, caffeine, and ego, just couldn't fill. No matter what I did, I was still empty. And the LAST thing that I wanted to admit or even consider is that it might be Brandon's absence that's making me feel this way. SCREW that! I made my play. I took the risk. And he couldn't be bothered to meet me halfway. So I'm done being bullied by his caged heart. I am who I am, he is who he is. Either we both find a balance on equal terms, or we don't. But that's not even the point here. I'm trying to move on and find someone else. And Robin is not that guy. He just...he isn't.

Do you know that I tried to ask him a few casual questions about himself while we were both laying there naked on his basement floor? Just...SIMPLE stuff! And he looked at me like I was crazy. What kind of disorder is that, where I can't ask him to have a normal conversation with me after an hour of hardcore anal sex? I wouldn't even know his last NAME if I hadn't accidentally seen some of his parents' monthly bills on the kitchen table.

Great. Another 'cat'. Getting just close enough to sniff my fingertips. And nothing more.

I was happy to leave Robin's house today. My legs were a little weak. In that really cool and sexy way, you know? And I'm sure, a few days from now, my balls will refill themselves, and I'll think about Robin, and I'll be back over here to do it all over again. What can I say? Easy sex is...well...the next time you're horny...think about it. I think I was just really hoping for something a lot more stimulating today. What a downer.

So, I get home, and the only thing I can really think about is taking a shower. Seriously, I felt as though I had been soiled somehow. It was weird. I could still taste Robin in my mouth. I couldn't wait to get a soda and try to wash it down. I could still feel him. Still smell the scent of him on my face. It was a truly scummy feeling this time around.

What are you doing to yourself, Billy? This is how all those awful sexually transmitted disease videos start off in Health class. I remember watching those and not really paying much attention. There's always some kind of barricade of doubt in your mind when it comes to those videos. I got the message sure. Just like I got the 'Don't Do Drugs' message, and the 'Don't get Kidnapped By Strangers' message, and the 'In case Of Nuclear War' message. I mean, sure, you listen...but...you're always saying to yourself, "That'll never be me."

This time....I'm not so sure. I don't know. Maybe I'm thinking too much again. All I knew is...the faster I got myself into a clean shower...the better.

Then, as I get home, I hear the phone ringing from outside the door. And I hurry in just as I hear Ian's voice leaving me a message. He sounded kinda...'shaky'. Hehehe, and that was an understatement.

As soon as I said hello, Ian says, "I'm gonna do it, Billy! I'm gonna do it today! Er, um...tonight! Whatever!"

And then there was silence. Was he waiting for me to say something? Hehehe! I said, "Okaaaay...well, great!"

He's like, "Thanks!"

And I said, "Ian? Um...what the heck are you talking about?"

I thought he would grin at the question, but somehow, it seemed to make him more nervous. Weird. He cleared his throat and took a few deep breaths, and he was like, "Well...you remember...I mean...umm...what I told you the other day. Right? About...about..."

Geez! I had to put the poor boy out of his misery. I said, "Yeah. I remember."

Ian said, "Well, I'm gonna tell him. I decided that I'm going to stop playing games, and I'm going to stop letting him run away from me. I'm just...I'm going to lay it all on the line and tell him how I really feel." I could hear Ian smiling at the end of his assertive little vow. It was kinda cute, to be honest.

I was like, "Really? Hehehe...well...wow." I asked him, "What brought this on?"

He says, "I was trying all week to find some weird excuse to get him to hang out with me, or to spend some time together, or to just...talk, you know? And everything I came up with was soooo lame. I was already burned out from studying and notes and all...I just got sick of it. I don't want to think about ways to 'trick' Bobby into talking to me again. I just...I just want..." Ian sighed, then let out a little whine. "Billy...can I be honest with you for a minute?"

I said, "Yeah. Go ahead."

He's like, "You won't be grossed out or anything?"

Was he KIDDING me? I'm like, "No way. Tell me."

Ian whimpered to himself, and he's like, "I can't stop thinking about him, Billy. I mean...at first, I thought Bobby was cute. And then I thought he was cute and cool. But...every day he something else that just fascinates me to no end. And now I'm like...obsessed with him. Sometimes I can't even sleep. It's that bad. Is that creepy?"

I giggled and told him, "NO! That's not creepy, dude! It sounds to me like you might be falling in love."

He gasped. He's all like, "Really? You think?"

I said, "Sounds like it to me. I mean, that's what love is, right? Just being completely into someone and keeping them close to your heart? I say enjoy the feeling. Go for it!"

I meant it when I said it. I really did. Maybe it was just a temporary moment of joy, experienced vicariously through the apparent excitement racing through Ian's heart at that very moment.

It wasn't until later that I realized just how jealous I was of the whole situation. It didn't really begin to pinch me until after I had already wished him well. Suddenly, I began to pay attention to the tremble in his voice, the slightly accelerated breathing, the sound of him squirming around with the overwhelming sensation of nervous puppy love.

I remember that feeling. I remember how it used to just...how it would just....

....whatever....

My mood changed. But Ian's didn't. He was like, "COOL! So I'm not being, like...overly clingy or stalkerish, then? Good! Because I felt strange about it. But...awww, Billy! I've GOT to see him this weekend! TONIGHT! I can't wait until Monday morning at school! I think about him, I dream about him, I can't help myself. I just...I want him to know. I've been trying to keep from embarrassing myself, but I'm done with that. I want him to know. And I want to be the one to tell him. Just so I can see the look in his eyes. Just so I can be a part of his world...like he's a part of mine. Hehehe, God! I'm so HAPPY right now! Ahhhhh! I'm sorry! I'm being goofy, aren't I? I'm sorry! Just...UGH! I'm scared, but I need to tell him tonight! I HAVE to! I will! Watch! I mean it! Hehehe!"

Great. Way to go, Ian. I'm...rooting for you. I guess...

Deep down, I know he wasn't bragging. I know he wasn't trying to rub my face in it. Why would he? But still...something about hearing him so happy, mixed with the time I 'wasted' earlier today...it just brought me down. I hope that I was hiding it well.

Ian went on to say, "Do you think I should start by telling him that I like him, and just let him figure the rest out on his own? Or should I start off by telling him that I'm gay? Maybe he'll get over the big shock of me liking all boys first...and then the infatuation with him should come second. Right? I mean...if I tell him I like boys, and he reacts badly, then I can hold off on the second part."

Happiness. That's what I miss. Shared happiness.

I said, "Yeah. That sounds good. Just...you know...tell him the first thing first."

Ian was like, "That I'm gay?"

I said, "Yeah. That part." did I sound sad? Come on, Billy! He's your friend. Be happy for him.

Ian kept going. Like, "I don't want to push too hard. At least not yet. But, Billy...I swear...he's everything that I've ever dreamed about. If he doesn't freak out on me...if I can just get him to like me back...I'm gonna tell him I love him EVERY day of my life! Hehehe! I won't let him go a single DAY without a kiss! I'm already...um...hehehe..." He stopped himself for a moment. I'm assuming to blush from embarrassment. He took a pause, and was like, "I already wrote him a long long love letter. Like 5 pages at least! Can you believe that? Just...I needed him to know. You know?"

Why was he telling me these things? WHY? Did he want it to hurt me as much as it did?

Then he's like, "He inspired me to write a bunch more on my movie for this Summer too! It's like...I'm not even writing it! It's just coming out of nowhere! Bobby's got me writing stuff that I never thought I could before. That's what he does to me! That's just how awesome he makes me feel!"

Right. Ok. Enough was enough. I told Ian that I was so happy to hear that he was happy. And I wished him well. I really did. But I did all I could to keep him from embellishing on his feelings any more. It was like a heavy weight on my shoulders, thinking about how lucky he was to be pursuing something that I wanted so badly at that moment. And with someone who felt the same exact way about him on top of it. Ian and Bobby are going to be sooooo happy together. They really are.

:(

Ian kept asking for advice and stuff, but he didn't need my help anymore. Those two were meant to be. It's just a matter of getting them to admit it at this point. And it looks like Ian's already got that part of it handled. So my part is done. I'd only be a third wheel from here on out.

When I hung up the phone...I finally went to go take that much needed shower. And you wanna know something? I cried. I don't know why. But I was scrubbing myself clean, and it just...didn't seem to work. I still felt dirty. As much as I wanted to be the town slut about six weeks ago...it was sooooo much more liberating in theory than it was in practice. Now that I have access to what I thought I really wanted...

I'm starting to realize that this isn't what I wanted at all.

Stupid.

Some boys would KILL for what I have right now. I just...I guess...

I miss being a part of something special. Not just a part of something. But a part of something special.

I called Sam tonight, but I guess he's out doing stuff with his girlfriend tonight. Trace is still mysteriously absent too. And Simon is more relieved from his school burn out than I am. So I guess I'll just veg out in front of the TV for a while tonight. I don't want to think. I don't want to feel. I just want to 'exist' for a while without obligation.

Maybe that's too much to ask. But...as I scrubbed and scratched and tried to wash the essence of my filthy afternoon run in with Robin tonight....weeping quietly so my Mom wouldn't walk by the bathroom and hear my cries...I felt a weakness in me that I haven't felt in a long long time.

I don't know...I have to find a way to fix this. Somehow. Because it's eating me alive inside. And I don't want Brandon to be my only cure. I want something else. SOMEBODY has got to be worthy of taking his place in my life. SOMEBODY!

If not....then I'm doomed.

Doomed.

G'night.

- Billy