Tuesday

- I had a dream this morning. And I've been sorta blushing over it all day long. Like...bad.

I kinda dreamed about me and Jimmy...um...well....we were 'doing' stuff with each other...

You know what?

I think....I think I liked it! A LOT! Is that weird?

I don't even know where the impulse came from, considering what we talked about yesterday. But...out of the blue, I dreamed that we were having sex with each other. And I mean we were *REALLY* going at it! Hardcore! I was pounding Jimmy's soft, sweet, ass soooo HARD!!! It's not like me at all to even fantasize about something like that, you know? But I did this morning. I mean, it started with us kissing...really intense, you know? And then we were practically tearing the clothes off of on another. Like ripped fabric and stretched clothing. We were sooooo into it! Both of us! It was this total abandonment of our personal friendship rules. We just wanted to get off. And....WOW...it was AWESOME!

I was grinding into Jimmy's face until I was fatigued with the motion. And I remember us engaging in a really HOT 69 on my bed, with Jimmy on top of me, humping my face, while I eagerly fingered him as deep as my fingers would allow. And then he totally invited me to give him exactly what he needed most. My excited penetration into his most intimate spot. I can still feel myself sliding all the way into that tight, wet, warm, hole in one slow and erotic push. It was almost like instantly falling in love with him. I couldn't even control myself once I started moving my hips to please us both. I just...I fucked Jimmy like it was the last piece of ass that I'd ever get in my LIFE! As though a killer comet was ten minutes away from hitting the Earth and wiping out the whole of humanity, and I wanted to cum before that happened! The strange thing is...it was SUCH a relief for me to cum inside of him at long last! I can't explain it, but it just...it felt like I had been holding that feeling inside and bottling it up for half my LIFE! What does that mean? I mean...have I been hiding a secret 'thing' for Jimmy LaPlane? Even from myself?

All I know is...I was entertaining some REALLY hot thoughts of Jimmy and me in my subconscious before waking up this morning...

I did him, HARD...doggystyle on the bed, then with me laying on his back while holding onto his shoulders, then on his side while holding his leg way up by his face while softly kissing his neck, then standing up against the dresser in front of my bedroom mirror, and then I lifted him up and screwed him up against the wall while he tongue kissed me and held on for dear life. I think that was my favorite. He was completely impaled on my hard shaft, and I just humped and pumped into him with a fever while he whimpered out loud, kissed my lips, and begged me not to ever stop.

I was sweating and totally breathless when I woke up this morning. Luckily, it wasn't one of my 'messy' dreams, but it probably would have been if it weren't for my alarm clock going off. I was definitely hard and leaking at the time. I don't know why I found myself wanting Jimmy so BADLY all of a sudden. It was insane! But I just...I couldn't shake the feeling. I mean...Jimmy and I have been spending an awful lot of time together lately. And I know that he's interested in...um...being a part of that particular fantasy some day. The two of us. So maybe that's what did it. Just knowing that he's...available to me anytime that I want him. But I've already made that mistake before. A FEW times, in fact. With Robin and AJ and...well, I know the drill. I can't go through that again. Despite my past mistakes, I really DO learn from my mistakes. And I don't want to ruin what Jimmy and I have by being horny and stupid again. Because I know that he has real feelings for me. REAL feelings. It's not something that I want to play around with. He won't forgive me in the end if I take advantage of something like that. It's better that I just leave him alone.

I did see Jimmy at school today, though. And I couldn't get comfortable around him. I tried, but I couldn't. I found myself staring at him the way he usually stares at me. And it made it hard to talk to him. Even in a teasing way. It's just hormones though. I know that. But...DAMN, if they aren't STRONG when it comes to pushing me towards something that might be...uhhh...bad for us both.

We went to lunch together, and I swear he could tell! You know? He kept looking at my eyes, or analyzing my slightly awkward conversation...and despite my attempts to hide my interest...he seemed to decipher my true feelings, regardless. WHY is this happening? I'm not in LOVE with Jimmy Laplane! I know that. But....just....wow....

Today, every time he looked away from me, I was looking at his butt. Or his crotch. Or admiring the soft, pink, hue of his tender lips. And I couldn't stop it. He just thrilled me today. And I think the only thing that intrigued me more than having this inexplicable attraction to Jimmy without warning...was the fact that I KNEW that I could have him! I mean, if I told Jimmy...."Let's have sex...", he would definitely oblige me. Right away. No questions asked. Even AJ said that he LOVES to be fucked! Even more than Robin...who was, like...phenominal when it came to riding me to an explosive orgasm. Something about that just intrigued me. Like...what if Jimmy is really HOT in bed? You know? I dunno....it was just on my mind today. Is that super slutty of me? I think it is....

When we parted after lunch, Jimmy looked at me, and...I think he could tell. Was I blushing? I think I was blushing. He looked at me, and gave me a little bit of a nervous smile. Like...really nervous. I was trying not to let on that I was thinking about him in that way. I didn't want to. But....Jimmy gave me this look like...like he knew. Like he didn't expect this particular connection with me today. And he wasn't prepared for it. You know? He had to straighten himself up to accept it and maybe take a chance on going for it.

:(

That wasn't my intention. I was trying so HARD to not give him that impression...

But there was something in my interaction with him that was involuntarily leading him on again. Plus, I kept finding myself staring at his ass every chance that I got. The same way that he was at mine, I'm sure. I'm so screwed up. I need to stop! Seriously! I LIKE Jimmy! I can't let sex get in the way. Not again. I need to back off. Not, like...hurt him...but back off. Before I end up making this a disaster. So...this is me, saying that I'm going to stop and let this go. Right now.

I just remember him smiling at me. Jimmy looked me in the eye with the cutest little smirk on his face. And he was like, "Well...I guess I'll see ya 'round." Then he's like, "Um....bye, Billy..."

I blushed even harder, and had to hide a growing erection as I mumbled, "K...see ya...."

Jimmy hesitated for a moment. Then he actually gave me a hug around the neck. That was a bit unexpected. He smelled good. Almost 'sweet', like a girl. Maybe a hint of baby powder too. Jimmy's soft. Like...all over. Ugh! This was a strange day.

I think I jacked off over Jimmy a FEW times after school, just thinking about how hot it would be to fuck him as hard as I dreamed I had. But that was it. I'm done. Enough. I guess I just needed to get him out of my system. That's all. It may take a few days...but something like that is better left to fantasy and nothing else.

This wasn't an 'AJ' situation. Not for him. I just kinda wish that we could maybe...do stuff without it being such an 'event' in his eyes, you know? Because, if I thought we could both be detached from the act itself, I'd jump him in a heartbeat. He DOES have a really cute booty, after all! Hehehe!

Anyway, despite all of that weirdness, thoughts of what I've been doing these past few months have still be going around and around in my head. The more I thought about it, the more I worried about it. The very thought of AJ maybe...I mean...'what if', you know? That's what kept bugging me. What if he has a nasty bug or something? I mean, even if it was something as small as the flu...I definitely would have caught it by now. What if he had it all along?

That frightening revelation made my thoughts even worse...

What if AJ gave me something...and I gave it to Brandon? What if Brandon gave it to Stevie? What if I gave it to Bobby, and Bobby gives it to Ian? What if I gave it to Lee and Lee gives it to Randall? Oh God...what if I gave it to Sam! Something like that could spread soooo fast! I mean...I could wipe out everybody that I know and love and not even know that I was doing it. There was a point today where my hands were trembling. I don't know....I just don't want to think about it. I want it to go away. There's something in my head that keeps telling me that if anything was wrong, I would have known it by now. I just...I'm hoping that's true. I'm praying that's true.

I don't want to write about this anymore....

I don't even want to think about it...

So...like...I saw Stevie today.

I wasn't really going to stop and talk. Just give him a nod and a wave and that was all. But he was the one who stopped me this time. Like, "So....Brandon told me that he talked to you at the party this weekend..." He gave me a bit of a wince, and said, "...He didn't tell me anything about what happened, but...I take it that it didn't go well."

To be honest, discussing what happened on Saturday night wasn't high on my list of fun things to do today. I said, "Yeah, well...he has his reasons to feel that way, I guess. I don't know. I was dumb for trying to leapfrog over the whole problem in the first place."

Stevie was like, "I know Brandon. And if he didn't care, it wouldn't bother him in the least. Honestly, I don't think that anybody can get to him the way that you do."

I told him,sadly, "Yeah. I think that's the problem." That's when I noticed two other boys in the hall walking past us. They made it a point of totally eyeballing Stevie and giving him a disgusted look. They didn't say anything, but it just looked like they were looking for a reason, any reason, to jump on him. You could see it in their eyes.

What the hell was their problem? He was just standing in the hall!

Stevie was like, "Don't pay them any mind. I'm so used to it that I don't even notice it anymore."

I said, "Stevie...I don't like this, dude. I know you wanted me to stay out of this, but they don't look like they're 'over' what happened."

Stevie was like, "It's cool. I mean, it's the end of the school year. They're not gonna do nothin'. They can't afford to get into trouble right now. If they lay a hand on me, it's instant suspension. They can't afford that with finals coming up next week. If nothing else, they can't afford to let their grades drop below the minimum needed to play sports next year." Then he's like, "They don't have to like me. They just have to leave me alone."

I asked him, "How can you STAND it, Stevie? I mean, they terrorize you every chance they get. Aren't you sick of hiding?"

Stevie said, "I'm not hiding. Not really. Just staying out of their way." Then he's like, "Besides, I still go out. Still have fun. And the last time I checked, I still like boys. So their intimidation hasn't really had much of an impact. Hehehe!" I think he noticed the sour look on my face, and tried to get me to let it go. He added, "Hey I went to the party, didn't I? I didn't have anything to worry about then, did I? Besides...Jamie Cross invited me personally. Hehehe, and I would NEVER turn down an invite from Jamie Cross. Not for anything."

Ok...so that got my attention.

I was like, "Wait...Jamie invited you to the party?"

He was like, "Yeah. Surprised the heck out of me too. Even told me to bring a 'date', if you can believe that. Is that weird, or what?"

That's exactly what Jamie told ME. What the heck is going on here? Why is Jamie Cross being so...gay-friendly these days, anyway?

Something else popped into my mind, and I asked him, "So...wait...you brought Brandon with you."

Stevie's like, "Yeah?"

I said, "And he was okay with that? I mean...being your date to a party?" It perplexed me, because Brandon wasn't out of the closet. Like...at all. In fact, he was just as paranoid about being outed as I was most of the time. But now that I think about it...he hasn't really shied away from Stevie since his big announcement during that assembly. It was a bit out of character for him to just be a gay boy's date to a big party like that.

Stevie just shrugged and said, "He didn't seem to have much of a problem with it. He didn't even flinch when I asked him." Hmmm....interesting. Just then, the bell rang, and Stevie says, "Hey, I've gotta run. But listen...we'll talk soon, you and me. There's something you need to know about Brandon before you try talking to him again."

I said, "No...Stevie, really, dude. I shouldn't. I'm only making things worse. I should just leave it alone."

He's like, "No, Billy. No you shouldn't. Trust me on this." Then he gives me a smirk as he's walking away, and says, "Despite our differences...I'm not lying to you when I say that you've got a better shot now then you did before. You might just be surprised."

Great. Like I know what THAT means.

I think this is Stevie's idea of emotional torture. I mean, Brandon came right out and told me that he didn't want to love me anymore. I'm not 'interpreting' that wrong. That's what he said. What could he possibly say to me that would make me believe in anything other than the fact that he doesn't want to be around me? Whatever. Like I've said a million times before, if I don't start breaking my addiction to that boy, then it's never going to go away.

I'll probably end up pining away for him the rest of my life, but I can at least be honest enough with myself to not feed the illusion that it'll ever be anything more than that.

I'm a big boy. I'll live with it.

Anyway, I've gotta go. One week until finals. I have NO idea what happened to Simon these days. I thought he'd be running around, carrying buckets of stress on his backside while he took years off of his life worrying about his grades. Instead, it's like he vanished off the face of the Earth. If I get a chance, I need to make it a mission to seek that boy out. Hehehe, if for no other reason than I need to worry about somebody else's troubles for a while. It might make for a nice distraction from my own. Which...you know...would be cool. Much needed.

I'll write more soon. I've gotta squeeze as much as I can into the last few pages of this book as I can. So I'll end this here. Seeya...

- Billy