Tuesday

- One of the first things I did this morning after breakfast was call my dad's house to find out if Trace was ok. Honestly, I don't think my sleep was very restful last night. I couldn't stop thinking about it all. I had never seen Trace so broken up before. I might have been acting on pure emotion and instinct last night when I went to go get him, but now that I have had some time to think about things a little bit more...it's really a scary issue altogether. I mean, what could I possibly offer as some kind of comfort when the whole situation is so far out of my control? If my mom and I couldn't keep my dad happy and in our lives...what chance did Trace have after just a month or so of being a live-in guest in my father's house? I know that I had my possessive and selfish issues with Trace in the beginning parts of this unorthodox arrangement...but now, I feel really BAD about it. I mean, I've had an entire childhood to spend with my dad. And Trace's dad...well, both of his parents actually...well, they leave a lot to be desired, I guess.

I just remember his face at school...and how happy he was. How badly he really wanted to do well. Heck, the main reason that Trace and Simon got to be so close is because my dad inspired him to work harder to make something more of himself than just some kid who ditches class, spends his afternoons in detention, and drinks out of his father's liquor cabinet whenever he thinks his dad isn't looking. And now what will happen when my dad leaves? Will they just...send him back home? And if they do...I mean...will things be any different? Is Trace different? Is he going to retain all that he's learned and straighten things out at home...or will he just revert back to what he was before? Maybe, this time...even WORSE than before? I wish I knew. I wish had any clue at all.

I just wish I had an answer that would make him happy and keep him safe. Because...with the exception of Jimmy's attempted suicide and Brandon's total heartbreak...I've never been so close to someone who simply wanted to self destruct before. I don't think I'm very good in those situations at all. Even when it's ME that's about to self destruct. I just hope he'll be ok in the long run.

My dad said that Trace was feeling a bit sick today. It's understandable. He drank a LOT of alcohol last night! More than I'm sure even he could handle. But he wouldn't stop. He just wanted to numb the pain, and every time he felt it creeping back up on him...he started drinking again. It was a disaster from the very beginning.

I would have called Simon up too to check in, but I was kinda scared of what his parents might say if they heard my voice on the phone. The last thing wanted to do was get Simon in even more trouble than he was already in. Maybe I'll email him tonight and just let him know that I'm here if he can break away from the dungeon long enough to chit chat. I'm sure he's freaking out now that he's sober. Which might make things even worse than they were before.

I don't want any part in that. None. Simon's parents (From what HE says) can be kinda hardcore. I'd like to avoid them at all costs if I can.

Anyway, I went to work today around lunch time. And, thank GOD, they finally took me off of bag detail! I swear, I was going to take a sharp pencil and lobotomize myself if I had to do that damn job for one more day in a row. Anyway, I got to actually walk around the store today. Not all over, as they gave me a certain section to work with, so I had to stick pretty close to that area. But it was really a breeze. It took some getting used to, having people ask me questions about where to find stuff in the store. I felt kinda 'professional' about walking them over and stuff, you know? Hehehe, I don't know...this is all still really new to me. I'm sure the awe of it all will wear off eventually.

Terrell was there today. He had just come from the gym, I guess. He had just stepped out of the public showers, his skin still slightly damp and smelling sweetle of sop and shampoo. You know, sometimes, if I didn't know better, I'd say that I had a tiny little boy crush on him. I don't know...like I said the other day, he just strikes me as being cool.

There was a customer who was looking for a song that I sorta recognized, but I had no idea how to help them find it. It was an older guy, and he asked for 'Just The Two Of Us' by Bill Withers. I mean, I know that I've heard that song a bunch of times before. I took him over to where his CDs were, and checked all the greatest hits stuff and all, but it was nowhere to be found. Luckily, Terrell saw me having some problems and he was able to help.

He was like, "Actually, the vocals on the song belong to Bill Withers, but you have to go to the jazz section and look under Grover Washington, Jr. Technically, it's his song. Come on, I'll show you." And, sure enough, there it was.

When he walked back over to where I was again, I gave him my thanks. I was like, "I guess I'm not quite an expert on this stuff yet, huh?"

Terrell just grinned and told me, "Don't sweat it, man. You pick things up as you go along. Once you get used to absorbing all the little bits and pieces of info you get from talking to the customers, you'll be a walking encyclopedia in no time. Until then, I've got your back." He's got a cute smile. I like his smile.

Anyway, as I was working, I couldn't help but keep an eye on the front of the store. I kept wondering if...you know...maybe Brandon was going to wander in the way Stevie said he would.

I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I didn't want to be caught off guard either. What would I say to him if today was the day? Would I be able to look him in the eye? Does he really miss me? Does he have any reason to?

There was a time, not so long ago, when I looked back at my time with Brandon and saw nothing but heartache and pain. But now?

Now it feels like I've strapped on my rose colored glasses again, and I see only joy. Joy, and giggles, and kisses on the cheek. I see us eating lunch by ourselves on the school lawn, and sharing soft, romantic, moments whenever we got the chance to be alone. Is it possible to miss somebody so much that you mentally block it out? Because this emptiness I felt in my heart...it's not coming back for a second time. It feels like it never left. Like twisting your ankle and simply learning to walk with a limp. You get used to the pain, and you teach yourself to ignore it to save yourself some grief. I think my heart has just been reminded of how badly it had been broken. My limp has suddenly gotten a lot worse.

Despite my constant peeks at the front though, Brandon never showed. I don't know if I was disappointed or relieved. Maybe a bit of both. Who knows?

But I was surprised that, even after all that we had been through, even after all the time that had passed since the last time we kissed...there's nobody on this planet that can make me tremble and quake inside the way he can.

I noticed the schedule for tomorrow...

Yeah...

I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I should have expected it.

It looks like both Robin and I will be working the floor with Taylor tomorrow at the same time. And somebody named 'Dizzy', who I guess I haven't met yet. What is that going to be like? Is Robin going to, like...talk to me and stuff? I'm going to be picturing him naked for a majority of the day. I just know I am. Can we say AWKWARD???

Maybe it won't be so bad, right? I mean, he doesn't seem to be waving any big rainbow flags or anything. He might be just as discreet about this kind of thing as I am. Maybe even more. If he doesn't bring it up, then I won't bring it up. We can talk like two regular boys doing a job, right? I won't make it weird. How bad could it be?

My manager, Scott, told me that he wasn't sure when my paperwork went in to the main headquarters of the company. So I might be getting a paycheck this weekend, and I might not. I guess I just have to wait and see if it comes with everybody else's. Otherwise, I'll have to wait another whole two WEEKS before I see a single cent of the money I made so far. That would suck. Because I kinda want to start spending right away. I already saw a few CDs in my section that want to pick up. This is going to be so awesome!

Speaking of some money well spent, I got an email from Ian when I got home from work tonight! Hehehe, it had two attachments in it...the first was a picture of him and Bobby standing together, cheek to cheek, smiling wide as he showed off his brand new high def camera! Along with a note that said, "Hey! Guess what *I* got?!?!?!" And the second was a pic of him kissing Bobby Jinette on the lips. Nothing lewd or even really all that sexual. Just a sweet peck on the lips. A little something to show Bobby he loved him. They did it. They really are making it work. And they don't feel the need to hide it either. It was right there for the world to see. I felt a special little warm spot in my heart seeing that.

Ugh...am I thinking about Brandon again? I can be so damn obsessive. It can't be healthy...

Alright, I'm going to stop this here. I feel like just plopping down in front of the TV and just letting my brain rest for a little while. My head's a buzzin'. Hehehe!

I'll write more later. Until then...

Seeya!

- Billy