Monday

- I screwed up!!! Aw man, I screwed up, big time! :(

I totally spaced on calling my new job yesterday for my work schedule this week, and I called around noon today to get it. Ollie answered the phone up at the register, the store's music blasting behind him, and I asked him if he could do me a favor and tell me when I'm working next.

Ollie was like, "Guuurrrrlll, you were supposed to have your sweet ass here two hours ago." I thought he was joking around at first, but he says, "No, dude. I'm serious. You were supposed to start at 10 this morning." I felt my blood run cold, hearing that. Seriously...I panicked! I had no idea what that meant! I mean, was I...like...fired now?

I started breathing really heavy, and I said, "Omigod! Omigod, Ollie, I didn't know! I forgot to call yesterday before you guys closed!" I was like, "What do I do?"

Ollie grinned and said, "Well, it was nice knowing ya, Billy. You lasted longer than some. You're gonna get your application torn up, dude." Oh NO!!! I wanted to cry my eyes out for being so stupid! Then I heard Ollie snickering to himself and Calleigh giving him a pinch to get him to stop teasing me. He said, "Dude, chill out. Hehehe, we're not running a children's hospital here. Just talk to Scott and tell him what happened. It's no big deal. Relax. You've got the 'fun' job for the Summer. Quit acting like you're gonna get a whoopin' or something."

Jesus, was I ever relieved! He told me he'd transfer me to the office and I had to wait a minute or two before our manager, Scott, picked up the phone. I was sooooo worried, and ashamed, and just...I felt like SUCH an idiot! But Scott was in a surprisingly good mood about it all. Something about him was so laid back. I always expected bosses to be like...I don't know...like Mr. Slate on the Flinstones or something. But Scott just told me, "It's fine. Don't worry about it. Don't make a habit out of it, but no harm, no foul. I've got your schedule right here. I've got you working nights this weekend. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Alright? Dizzy is covering your shift today, so...do you want to come in tomorrow and make an even trade?"

I was like, "Yeah. Ok. Sure." He told me to come in around four o'clock, and I was just super thankful that he wasn't mad at me! I hope I didn't sound too desperate. Then I said, "Thank you, thank you, thank you! And thank her for me too!"

And Scott asked, "Her, who?"

So I said, "Her...um...him..." I cut myself off before I made a mistake. "Dizzy. Tell Dizzy thanks for me."

He's like, "Will do. Just remember to keep an eye on the schedule from now on, ok? Even on your days off."

I promised that I would, and let out a huge sigh of relief once he hung up the phone. I fell back on my bed and let the nervous jitters just work their way out of my system. I've got to do better. I foolishly missed a day of work and I haven't even gotten my first paycheck yet! I suck for that...

So...Dizzy is a guy then? I should have known. He's really cute for a boy, though. Then again...so is Brandon. You know...like...'pretty'. I hope Scott doesn't dwell on the fact that I referred to Dizzy as a she. That would be embarrassing. They'd be laughing at me for the rest of the Summer if I screwed that whole gender thing up. He really is pretty cute though. Just...'girlish' in a way, I guess. Weird.

Tragedy avoided...

Thanks, 'Cool People I Work With'!

I got in touch with Bobby Jinette today. Thank goodness, because he seemed to be pretty anxious to talk to me last night. We were just chit chatting a bit at first, and Bobby was glad to be the center of Ian's little Summer blockbuster movie. And yet, I've known Bobby for long enough to know when he's sorta beating around the bush about what he really wants to say. He fidgets, conversation wise. I could practically hear him squirming over the phone. Finally, he's like, "I heard that you've been talking...I mean...well, Ian really wants you to be in his movie."

So I'm like, "Yeah. I'm kinda psyched about it, to be honest. It just sounds like a lot of fun. We were just talking about it the other day..."

That's when Bobby was like, "Yeah...about that..." I could just tell by his tone of voice that...well, Bobby sounded like he had a problem with that.

I was like, "So...what's wrong? I mean...?"

Bobby grumbled something, and I had to ask him to repeat it for me. So he was like, "Just...don't tell him that you're...you know.." Then he whispered, "...Gay."

I was like, "What? Why not?"

Bobby whined like, "Just...don't say anything, ok Billy? At least...not right now. Not for a while. Not until I have some time to figure things out."

I'm like, "Figure WHAT out? Bobby what the heck are you talking about?"

He said, "I'm not saying that you have to keep it a secret forever. It's just...I mean, I'm trying to be really...cool for him. You know? I mean, right now, Ian and I have a good thing going, and I don't want anyone else to...you know?"

I wasn't really sure what he meant by that. But I asked, "Bobby? Dude...if you think that I'm still trying to wedge in between you and Ian, I SWEAR...that's the furthest thing from my mind."

Bobby was like, "I know. I'm not accusing you, I just...I don't want him to know about you yet. Ok?"

I'm like, "Bobby, he's not even remotely interested in me like that way."

Bobby says, "That's because he thinks you're straight, Billy. He probably figures there's no chance in hell of you ever being available. That's how I used to think about you too. 'He's super cute, but what's the point?' You know? Just...Billy, can I have some more time to...be his boyfriend?"

It seemed like the silliest thing in the world to me, but it's not like I would have to make any big sacrifices or anything to help Bobby feel more secure about his new relationship. So I just told him, "Yeah. Ok. Fine. I don't think it's going to make that much of a difference, but whatever."

Bobby was really relieved. He's like, "THANK YOU, Billy!!! Seriously! I know you're not like that or anything, I just...I really want this to work out, and it's been going good so far. I just don't want to mess up somewhere and make him lose interest."

I sighed and told him, "Bobby...I don't think Ian is a 'flash in the pan' kinda guy. He really likes you. I think he's in for the long term relationship. Just...have some faith in him. K?"

Did he believe me? I doubt it. I think Bobby is honestly worried that his boyfriend is going to just randomly fall in love with me and break his heart. I hate to admit it, but I'm kinda flattered that he thinks I'm that...'appealing'. Hehehe! But I'm not into stealing his boyfriend. Ian is an awesome boy, and majorly cute, but I've still got Brandon on my mind. I doubt I could handle another crush right now, even if I tried.

If nothing else, I think Bobby is worried about KARMA coming back to bite him in the ass after what he did in our...um...situation. I could put his mind at rest, but...good for him. Hehehe! Karma is pretty flawless. Who would I be to interfere with the pain and worry it causes him when he tries to sleep at night?

Speaking of bad karma...I may have to deal with some of my own soon.

Jimmy called me up tonight. And, I don't know if this is a new development or if I just chose not to notice it before, but he seemed even more 'attached' to me than normal. Like...I mean, we were talking, and it was kinda cute because Jimmy was extremely horny tonight! Hehehe, he doesn't think I heard him, but he was totally touching himself the whole time we were talking. I think he actually came into a rag or something and played it off like he was just...I dunno...clearing his throat or something. He's like, "I have to see you, Billy. Seriously. Can I come over tomorrow? It's, like...a gay boy emergency. Hehehe!"

I told him, "Sorry, dude. I've gotta work tomorrow. I mixed my days up and somebody had to cover for me. So I need to go in and at least even things up. You know?"

He's like, "What time do you have to go in?"

I said, "Four."

He's like, "Can I come over around noon? Please???" It was cute to hear him sound so needy, but I didn't think he was actually serious. He's like, "Billy...I'm going crazy without you right now. Just...let me come over and see you. Just for an hour. Is that ok?"

I thought it was weird, but I said, "Well...yeah. I guess. I'll be around. Just call me when you leave your house."

He's like, "AWESOME! I'll be there!" Then he says, "I LOVE YOU!!! MWAH!!!!"

I think that made me feel...a bit awkward. Should I feel awkward? Is that a normal reaction to such a profound expression of love? I don't know, I just...I...

Ok, I'm going to write this down in this book, and I doubt that it's going to make any sense at all. But maybe, years from now, an older, more mature version of me will look back at this journal and finally understand what the heck was going on in my head.

I'm....NOT in 'love' with Jimmy LaPlane. I never was. I tried. God knows, I tried. But I'm no more in love with him than I am with Bobby Jinette. Or Ian. Or Lee. Or even Sam, for that matter. I care for Sam a lot, but the fantasy of being with him was so blinding that the reality couldn't ever match up to it. I almost lost my best friend forever over something as fleeting and pointless as sex. That would have killed me. And after all that Jimmy LaPlane has been through, I feel really guilty about making him think that our feelings for one another was mutual. Because, at the end of the day...I think I would rather fight and get angry and cry tears of unfathomable sadness over Brandon...than 'pretend' to be happy with Jimmy LaPlane, and satisfied with the love he's willing to give.

God...that looks even WORSE in print than I thought it would.

Even with the lingering hope that Brandon and I might be able to fix things between us this Summer not being a factor, the truth is...I'm going to have to break Jimmy's heart at some point. It's inevitable. And he's going to take it hard. SO hard. And it's going to be my fault. Because even after all I've suffered through, I haven't fully learned that one little moment of weakness can result in a lifetime of regret.

I just hope Jimmy will find a way to understand someday. Because I'm not happy. I wish I was, but I'm not. Not like I could be....with someone else. Not like I could be with Brandon.

I don't know. My head hurts. And I have to get up early tomorrow to be here for Jimmy before work. You wanna know what's funny? I just got really hard thinking about Jimmy coming over tomorrow. And I KNOW that's a total contradiction to what I just wrote about him in the last few paragraphs, but I can't deny that my body has this visceral reaction to the idea of banging him senseless! I mean, that's what he's coming over for. I don't have any misconceptions about that. He wants me. And I want him too. I want that tight ass wrapped around my shaft while kissing him on the back of his neck and pumping away as though the fate of the world depended on it! Hehehe! But...it won't last. And I can only make things worse in the long run.

I think I should prepare for that day. Because it's coming. And it might be time to ween Jimmy off of this 'love affair' too while it's still brand new. This is as deep as it goes. It's time we both accepted it.

Ok, gotta go. I'll write more tomorrow. I washed the dishes tonight, and my mom...it looked like she had been crying. She totally didn't let on or anything, but I could see the puffiness in her cheeks, and the redness in her eyes. It's always really uncomfortable for me to ask her what's wrong. She's, like...my mom, you know? Even if she told me what was wrong, what power would I have to really help her? It's scary to feel so helpless when it comes to someone that I love soooo much. (Yes, I love my mom. But don't tell anybody! It'll make me sound so GAY!) Anyway, I think I've been avoiding her because of the spontaneous tears, and I think she's been kinda avoiding me for the same reason.

I'm sure it's about my father leaving the state soon. What else could it be? But I've been trying to distract myself from those thoughts as much as possible lately. It's just something that I don't want on my conscious right now. I'm pretty full of teenage drama at the moment.

Seeya soon.

And to my Brandon...my 'forever dream boy'...I love you.

- Billy