Saturday

- I talked to Lee briefly this morning. Just a bit of email tag to share a few giggles. I was still a little bit 'weak in the head' from drinking with Trace and Simon last night. Not hungover so much, but...my body felt weird. Kinda sluggish and 'blah'. Drinking alcohol is only fun while you're actually drinking the alcohol. Everything after that? Ugh! I can do without that part.

Anyway, something seems to be bugging Lee. I can't explain how I know...but I know. When it comes to actually expressing his feelings in words...Lee is a complete mystery. The pure definition of an enigma. And yet, his feelings just seem to pour out of him all the time. I don't think he can help it. He won't say it aloud, but you can just tell. Even in the text of an email. It's like...something was off. Almost awkward. I almost asked him what was up, but didn't. I wasn't sure if this was one of those things that I was supposed to approach delicately, or one of those things that I was supposed to leave alone. I took the safe route and kept quiet.

When he said goodbye, though...it almost sounded like he was disappointed that I didn't ask. Arrrgh! Just ONCE, I'd love to have a conversation with that boy that didn't involve me having to decode and demystify everything that's going on in his head! It can be so frustrating.

I hope he's ok, though.

My mom was pretty distant today. She just wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and sat on the living room couch, watching some movie marathon on cable. She barely spoke more than a few sentences to me all day. And that was mostly to say that she didn't take anything out of the freezer to make for lunch. She wanted me to eat something before going into work, so she just told me to get her purse for her and told me to order a pizza. And even when it got delivered...she didn't any of it. She was just like, "I'll eat later, honey. Fill up, ok?"

The weirder she gets, the more I find myself having to avoid her altogether. It's just uncomfortable. I keep hoping that she'll just wake up one morning and pull the curtains open to let the sun shine in...and it'll be a brand new day. You know? But this has been going on for a while now, and not only do I not see the light at the end of that tunnel...but some days it seems to be even worse than before. And that's a bit scary. Because, well...I kinda want my 'Mom' back.

Anyway, I got to work today and punched in the same time as that other boy, Garrett. I had only seen him once before, but never really said more than hello. He's what you would call 'painfully' shy. You wouldn't even know he was there unless you were actively looking for him. He's like a ghost in that place. I was trying to be a little friendly and said hello. He just sorta looked at me out of the corner of his eye and whispered, "...hey." And then he punched in really fast and left.

That was pretty much the extent of our connection for the day. He's...kinda weird.

Dizzy was there. It was cool to him again after yesterday. He's always in a good mood too. I noticed that. When I said hello, Dizzy was just like, "What's shakin', poppa large?"

I said, "Hehehe, is that me? I'm poppa large?"

He's like, "You are today! You might be something else tomorrow." Then he's like, "Head's up!" And tossed me a price gun from behind the counter. He said, "All the greatest hits compilations on the endcap are two for ten bucks this week. So put 'em on sale for me, will ya?" And off I went. I was happy to have something to keep me busy right off the bat. Sometimes I come to work and have to wander around for a few minutes to find something to make me look like I deserve to earn a paycheck in this place. Hehehe, instead of having fun with a bunch of new friends.

Robin came in a bit late today, but as usual, nobody really seemed to care. Or even notice for that matter. The relaxed atmosphere can spoil you pretty quickly. I doubt that many other Summer jobs would be this mellow. I lucked out, big time.

We were pretty busy today. Even for a Saturday, we were busy. Occasionally, I see a few familiar faces from school. Either walking around in the mall or coming into the store. I can't explain why I get a little embarrassed whenever someone I know sees me working there. It just sort of happens. It's kinda like accidentally running into one of your teachers at the grocery store. It's like, 'wow....you actually exist outside of school? Weird.'

One thing that I noticed today was that Robin is absolutely boy crazy! Hehehe! He was physically distracted by every cute boy that came into the store that day. And there were plenty. Most of them with their girlfriends, unfortunately. But I don't think that mattered to him in the least. Before they took more than three steps into the store, he was running over to offer his 'assistance'. Hehehe, a few times, I was worried that he might actually shove me down to the floor if I dared to get to one of them first.

But, I don't know...it was kinda cute. I think he likes working there even more than I do.

Then, at some point before my break, Ollie called me up to the register and told me that I had a phone call. Which...you know...was weird. Why the heck would I have a phone call at work? So I go up there, and believe it or not, it was Jimmy. He's like, "I missed you today. I thought you had today off for some reason. I went over to your house to surprise you and your mom said you had to work. Do you have to stay all night?"

It was just...a bizarre moment of my day. I'm like, "Yeah. I think...yeah, I've got to close tonight. So..."

He's like, "Well, what about tomorrow? Is your mom gonna be home all day? If so, maybe we can go to my house for a while. I really want to see you."

Honestly, I was so stuck at that moment. Just, Ollie was standing right next to me, and for all I know the manager might just listen in to see if I'm taking personal phone calls or something. This was just an uncomfortable time for Jimmy to want to schedule some alone time. I said, "I don't know, Jimmy. Look, we'll have to talk about this later. Ok? The store is really packed today, and I'm working on stuff."

He's all like, "Ok, ok. I get it. I'm sorry. Just...will you call me when you get home? I was just thinking about you and...awww, I wish you were home today. Just so I could see your face."

I said, "K. Yeah, we'll talk later."

He's like, "Ok, sweetie. I love you!"

There was a brief pause where I think he was waiting for me to return the sentiment. I didn't let too much time linger. I just said, "K. Thanks. Bye." And I hung up the phone. As much as I wish this whole situation would just go away...I know that it's going to get worse before it gets better. I should do it tonight. As soon as I get some privacy. I want to get it over with already, but I don't want to be brutal about it. My only experience with breaking up with somebody came from having to tell Bobby Jinette that I had a boyfriend. And that didn't work out too well. I think the Jimmy situation is going to be a lot worse.

Now he's hunting me down at work? Showing up at my house unannounced? What's next? Climbing in through my bedroom window at night?

I went back out on the sales floor and by the time I had gotten back to my endcap, my own phone got a message. I took it out to check, and it was Jimmy...again. Just sending me a heart and saying, "Can't wait until tomorrow!" I didn't even agree to tomorrow! I'm going to watch Taylor's band perform tomorrow with everybody from the store. Geez, what is he doing to me?

I was quick to shove my phone back in my pocket when Robin came over to chit chat. I guess I wasn't being too secretive about hiding the phone, and Robin smiled at me like, "Omigod, was that your Brandon? That was him, wasn't it?" Oh God...how do I get myself into this shit?

I just nodded slowly, and said, "Uh...yeah. It wasn't anything important though."

Robin grinned from ear to ear. He's like, "He just wrote to say 'I love' you or something, didn't he? Just to say hi? Omigod, that is SO romantic! You're so lucky, Billy. The only time AJ ever contacted me at all was to set up a time to...well, you know." He sighed to himself and I just did my best to change the subject before I dug an even deeper hole than the one I was already in. You know that Robin even asked me, "Brandon doesn't have a brother or something, does he? A cousin? A really affectionate puppy? I'll take anything at this point. Hehehe!"

After our afternoons together in his basement, I never really thought Robin would be the 'romantic' type. But...looking at the sparkle in his eyes and the giant smile on his face...he was definitely into the whole fantasy of it all. I think he might actually be one of those boys looking for the fairy tale treatment. And that's a good thing. He might make for a pretty adorable boyfriend once he gets the hell away from AJ and his meaningless sex romps.

Wow...maybe what someone once told me was true. Maybe there are boys out there who are looking for boys like me to be an example of what's possible, you know? The idea that it's ok to believe in magic again. Who was it that told me that?

Oh....right. It was Jimmy.

I worked the rest of my shift with Robin dancing around on his toes, imagining what it must be like to have such an 'amazing boyfriend', and wishing that he could...I don't know, keep quiet about that kind of thing while we were around other people. Ollie already watches me like a hawk after seeing Jamie and Brandon talk to me in the store. The last thing I need is for Robin's giddy comments to make it within earshot of the register. Right...my 'amazing boyfriend', which I don't technically have. And the one I have...who technically isn't my boyfriend. Or amazing. Or able to keep from practically stalking me on a daily basis.

My whole life just reminds me of the Christmas lights we keep in the lock up next to the washing machine. No matter WHAT we do to organize them, no matter how careful we are when we put them away every year...they just get more and more tangled every time we dare to pull them out of that box.

God, I haven't even talked to Brandon since our date on Wednesday. I mean...should I? Is he waiting for me to say something? Or...or, you know...should I wait for him to say something first? Or am I gonna look like Jimmy LaPlane if I start stalking him too? Fuck! You know, life was a hell of a lot simpler when I woke up this morning.

Anyway, I'm gonna go. There's still a slice of leftover pizza in the kitchen, and it's calling my name.

I didn't call Jimmy after work tonight. He sent a message to ask if I had gotten home yet, but I ignored it. I think I'm just going to go to work tomorrow, and then hang out with my friends and have some fun. I don't want to wreck it by having to deal with any unnecessary drama on my end. That can wait another 24 hours, I'm sure.

I just need a little space. That's all. Maybe once Jimmy's 'Billy-mania' has died down a bit more...we can talk. It'll be easier if I ween him off us hanging out every day first. It won't take long.

I'm sure he'll understand.

I'll write more later. See ya.

- Billy