Wednesday

- Sometimes I just don't get some people. I really don't. I think that I was destined to work in the kind of place that I do now. It's taught me soooo much about acceptance and tolerance of people with different tastes, different looks, different ideas. How can anyone develop any sense of variety when each and every single person surrounding them thinks and feels the exact same way about everything? You know? I mean, as much as Taylor bitches and moans about how one music or band is better than another on a daily basis...at least he gives me a reason to explore a conflict of interest. I think I've actually come to respect exploring the difference of opinion. Being around people like Ollie and Garrett and Terrell and Dizzy has just...I dunno....it's given me such a bigger picture when it comes to people in general, I guess. I used to think that high school would be my big adventure into a more mature and intellectual world...but I've gotten more wisdom in my few weeks working in this music store than I ever could have gotten anywhere else.

I've never been both 'different' and 'embraced' at the same time before. Not like this. It's usually a matter of me having to pick one extreme or the other. At the store...being 'me' is just...it's *SO* ok, you know??? I feel like I could tell them that I was a serial killer from Mars...and they'd love me anyway. With a decent amount of teasing of course...but offer me love nonetheless.

Hehehe, I don't know what it is...but I think I'd feel more comfortable as a freak in that place than anything else. Compared to some of them, I think I'm a bit too normal. And for the first time...that seems like a bad thing. How boring, right?

Ollie's boyfriend, Greg, came in to visit for a short while today. It was just to take Ollie out for lunch, but the way those two just sent out this subliminal pulse of joy and love whenever they were together...it warmed my heart every single time. Little kisses and giggles...the most subtle of touches on the arm or shoulder...watching it was so soothing. They had this perfect 'back and forth' conversation that sometimes seemed like it came right out of a sitcom or romantic comedy. Easy. Effortless. And when their lips would touch, even briefly...you'd get chills. I know I did. Hehehe!

Robin, on the other hand...didn't.

At first, I wasn't going to ask him about what was going on. I was sure that he was still in 'AJ mode' and probably didn't want to hear it. But he was actually the one to bring it up today. He says to me, "AJ wants to meet up tomorrow. Like in the morning. I told him how upset I was over this whole thing and I said that if things didn't change that maybe we should just...call it quits, you know? Some people just don't understand or care about anything or anybody else until they have something to lose. So...yeah. Maybe now, something will get 'fixed'. Maybe now he'll actually find a few seconds to talk to me like a boyfriend for a change."

I wish I could be happy for him. I wish I could think, even for a moment, that 'talking things out' with AJ or getting him to say he wanted to come over tomorrow could be seen as some kind of victory. But deep down...I know AJ. And the most Robin could expect out of tomorrow was another string of lies that AJ put together to keep him from walking away and leaving him behind before solidifying things with another boy. I'm like, "Are you sure you still want to play this game, Robin? Aren't you just...tired of it, by now?"

Stubborn as always, Robin said, "Things went sour because I wasn't honest about how I feel. That's what went wrong. It was my fault." Then he's like, "But I came clean this time. I laid down the law. I told him that he was hurting me and that I just wanted him to give me some attention if he wanted us to keep on being boyfriends."

Why is it that I literally CRINGE every time I hear another sweet hearted boy call AJ his boyfriend. I didn't discourage him. He wouldn't have listened if I even attempted to. But I already know how this story ends...and it's not 'happily ever after'. Not for Robin.

I was just like, "Well...I hope you two get to talk and work things out. I guess being honest is the best way to get things out in the open. Right?"

Robin just shrugged and said, "I hope so, Billy. I can't explain it but...when he ignores me...I can't even put into words how much it hurts. I just feel so...ugly and worthless when he brushes me off his shoulder like that. I think I'd rather him tell me he hates me than to just treat me like he doesn't care at ALL. Does that make any sense?" I sort of agreed, but I didn't want to say too much. Their fifteen minute relationship was already in its fourteenth minute, and the countdown had begun. I just wish Robin could figuring things out on his own before that happened. Investing any emotion into a heartless whore like AJ is the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. He's gonna need one hell of a cushion when he falls. Poor Robin.

You know, I was talking to Ollie up at the front counter today, and this 'customer' came up to me with a question. Seems normal enough, as that is a big part of my job. But I actually ended up getting really frustrated, really fast.

It was just some guy, and he asks me, "Say, can you help me find something? I'm looking for this group called 'Carnivorous Erection'. Do you guys have that here?"

Ummm, I thought he was joking at first. Especially when I heard Ollie snickering from behind the counter! Hehehe, what the...? I was like, "Wait...that's a band?"

And he's totally serious. So he says, "Yeah, it's a band. Do you have it or not?" It was almost like he seemed kind of offended that I didn't know what he was talking about?

I asked Ollie, "Dude...do we have Carnivorous Erection?"

And he giggled, like, "Billy...come on. Hehehe! Are you really asking me that question?" Then he's like, "Here comes, Terrell. Ask him. He's the human hard drive about that kind of thing..."

I'm like, "Oh right! Hey, Terrell? Have you heard of a group called Carnivorous Erection before? Do we carry that?"

The customer takes one brief look at Terrell, and you know what he says? I'm not kidding you! He's like, "Well, I'm not sure he'll know. It's heavy metal stuff. It's not like...hip hop or anything."

Which totally had me like >:O !!!!

Really? WTF?

I didn't even hesitate this time when I said, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I don't know what it was, but Terrell was standing, like, RIGHT THERE when he said it! Why would it have to be....? Was he implying that...? You know what...? Arrrgh!

The customer was like, "It's ok. I'll try to go over and find it myself..."

But I was like, "No, seriously...what was that supposed to mean???"

Terrell put his hand on my arm and just gave me a little smirk. He's like, "Chill, B. It's alright." Then he tells the customer, "The name of the band isn't Carnivorous Erection. The name of the band is Regurgitate. Carnivorous Erection is the name of the album. Look under 'R' in the rock section. We've got two or three albums over there for sure."

The customer sorta...'nodded'...and then he went to go find it. Why the hell was Terrell being so calm about something like that??? What the hell? I was like, "Fuck that guy!"

Ollie and Terrell both laughed at me for my reaction, and Terrell was like, "Hehehe, look at you. You look like you were going to take about out that dude's shoulder!"

I asked, "Was that guy racist?"

He said, "Nah. He's not racist. A little sheltered, maybe. But nothing as bad as all that. It's no big deal. Sometimes people just have an idea of how the world works. And sometimes it gets challenged. It's a good thing. Teaches them to open their minds just a little bit further than normal." I still can't believe that he was so laid back about this. But...ugh...I can't help but to smile when he does. No wonder I had a mini crush when I first started working here.

I said, "It's not fair. I mean...so what if you're not some guy in a leather jacket with long hair and piercings and tattoos? Who cares? I mean, should I not know who R Kelly is? Or 50 Cent? Or Bob Marley? Just because I don't 'look the part'? What the hell is he judging you for?"

Ollie actually laughed as he tried to get me to lower my voice. He's like, "You're about ready for a nap, baby. You're getting cranky on us!" Then he told me, "Get used to it, Billy. If I get one more Cher or Lady Gaga question up here, I'm gonna lose my mind too! It's just a part of the game. You'll see."

Terrell was like, "You see? I TOLD you Billy would be instant family. Do you see how he jumped into 'tiger-mode'? Hehehe, he was gonna kick some ass on my behalf. Did you see that?"

Ollie said, "I did. Punk ass customer!"

Terrell said, "Damn right. We need a sign that says, 'Beware Of Billy', and put it up front. Keep some of the assholes out of here! Hehehe! They wanna try that bullshit, let them take they punk ass over to Target!"

They both gave me hugs and poked at my ribs until I began to smile and laugh along with them. I still didn't like the idea of it, but when Terrell told me to stop looking so 'evil' and offered to buy me some lunch...I decided to let it go.

There's something about Terrell that just maintains this constant state of 'comfort' whenever you're around him, you know? He's always friendly and cheerful when it comes to just about everything...but he never overdoes it, you know? It's just this really relaxed 'go with the flow' attitude that I wish I had sometimes. I get majorly affected by everything that happens around me. Maybe I should be more chill about certain things. Keep a clear head. It might just keep me out of some of the trouble I've been in over the past few months.

So...we're, like...talking, right? And I'm enjoying Terrell's company and all...when he suddenly looks over my shoulder, and he's like, "Uh ohhhhhh...don't look now, but I think you've got yourself a spy, pretty boy." I didn't know what that meant at first, but he said, "There's a candy treat checking you out over there. Don't look. Just...it's this red head girl, black shirt. She turned her attention over here three or four times already."

I'm like, "Huh? She is?"

He says, "It's on, man! You got a bite. I'm not gonna be insulted if you decide to get up and go chase that, man. Seriously. Go for yours."

No matter how comfortable you may be with your own sexuality, there are a billion opportunities when the opposite sex shows up and makes things awkward all over again. I know that Terrell meant well, but I almost found myself shivering and shaking like I did the first time Sam told me that Joanna liked me last year! Ugh! I started to fidget involuntarily almost immediately.

I said, "Hehehe...dude, I don't even know her..."

Terrell said, "So? Go GET to know her, then! That's a prize, boy. Go get some. You want some help?"

I said, "ummm...Terrell...come on, hehehe..."

But he smiled and told me, "I'll set you up. You want me to go over there? I'll be smoothe about it. You've got no worries at all. I'm gonna get you some lunch AND a piece of ass today! You're coming up with four aces today, Playa!"

Blushing hard and trying to hide my face by looking down at my lunch try, I said, "No. That's ok. I mean, thanks and all...just...I don't think so."

Terrell was quiet for a moment...and then he said, "Oh man...dude, I'm sorry. Are you...Billy, are you gay?"

What the...??? JESUS!!!! Did he have to say that so LOUD? What the hell made him ask me THAT???

I stumbled around, like, "Am I what? Why would...I'm not...I never said that I was gay. Just because I don't...know some random chick in the mall food court...I mean...right? You know?"

Terrell gave me a friendly smirk, and he's like, "Dude, it's totally ok if you're a homosexual. It won't matter one way or another. I just didn't know, that's all."

I don't know why I defended the lie so strongly, but it had become such an automatic habit that I really didn't have much control over it. I was like, "I'm not a homosexual..."

But he laughed, and he's like, "Ahhh...you see? You just whispered the word homosexual. Everything else was cool, but you whispered homosexual. You didn't think I heard that, did ya?"

I kinda tried to hush him up, but I think that only made him tease me more. I must have gone from pink, to red, to full blown purple, in the face before he let up on the teasing!

But, eventually...he gave me a break, saying, "Look, it doesn't matter. Ok? We're family. All of us. You had my back today...and I'll have your back tomorrow. Noting is going to change. If you can't be comfortable around the people you care about most...what's the point of trying to be comfortable at all?" Terrell gave me an inviting smile that...sighhhh...it almost made me want to say it out loud. I didn't feel any pressure either way. Not to hold back. Not to come out. He just let me know that it was ok. And I wasn't prepared for how much something so simple meant to me in the long run. He finished his soda and said, "You know...the big illusion in life is the idea that we're all alike. That there's a 'majority' out there defining what's normal and what's not. What's 'acceptable' and what's not. It's all bullshit. Don't buy into that garbage."

I'm like, "Yeah...I guess I'm starting to learn that."

He said, "Good. Because we're all different. Every last one of us. The so-called 'freaks' in society are the ones who are willing to be honest and proud of it, that's all. We're different races, different cultures, different sexual tastes, different personalities...hell, I guarantee you that you and I could write an entire SERIES of books on Dizzy alone! And that's before we even approach the transgendered issue! Hehehe, he's wild as hell, man! Believe me!" Terrell saw me giggle and loosen up a bit, so he reached over the table and put his hand on my shoulder. He's like, "The thing is...once people get past the fear of our differences...we begin to find out that we're not all that different after all. Period. It takes some people a whole lifetime to learn that. Some people never do. You're lucky enough to get the crash course. The freakier you are, the more you fit in. Hell, what else do we have to make us 'interesting' in this life?"

Then he just takes another bite of his food as if he hadn't totally brightened up my whole DAY with what he just said to me. I smiled and just...tried to keep from squirming in my seat as I said, "Thanks. I mean...just...thanks."

He said, "Just don't ever think that you've got to fake anything about yourself in order for us to stand behind you, bro. Don't doubt for a second that I wouldn't put somebody on their back for you if I had to. Hear me?"

I laughed at the idea, but somehow...I knew that he meant it. What's weird is...I think I'd do the same for him. For any of them. Where did this feeling come from? I don't think I've ever felt so close to a group of misfits before. Maybe the misfit pile is where I belong?

God! I can't wait to tell Sam! Hehehe! I want him to come and join us too! That'll only make things a million times better!

Anyway, I didn't get to see Brandon again today, but I couldn't help but to talk to him again the second I got off of work!

I know that I've been busy this week, and a bit tired with all that was on my mind, and my dad is leaving this weekend...I hardly have much time to waste on little kisses and love notes.

But...hehehe....it's BRANDON!!!

When it's someone that you really just CAN'T do without...you FIND the time! Hehehe, I'm so giddy and so happy to just connect with him! For just a FEW seconds at a time! A few seconds before punching back in before break, a few seconds while waiting for the bus, a few more seconds ON the bus, a few seconds before dinner, between commercials while I'm watching TV, a few minutes before going to sleep for the night. No matter what's going on...there's ALWAYS time for Brandon! Always. And I've never been happier. Not ever.

Even a few seconds at a time.

So...I'm gonna stop here! I just want to lay back and relax. And maybe take another few seconds to write Brandon AGAIN, just to see if he's still awake. Hehehe! I'm being a stalker now, aren't I? Ah well, maybe that's a part of the freak in me asserting itself while I still believe it's ok. I can live with that.

See ya soon, and I'll write more later!

- Billy