Monday

- I called Sam pretty early this morning. He hadn't even worked out his plans for the day yet, but...I kinda needed to talk to him, you know? It was important.

Sam was happy to hear from me, of course. He always is. But I felt bad for not at least engaging him in some small talk before asking for, what I believed to be, a really big favor on his part. I'm not a heartless person, I never have been. But something about this Jimmy LaPlane situation really got to me in a negative way. I sincerely felt like I had this need to make things right between us again. Honestly, I'd be willing to give Jimmy time to heal and all, but if I had my way...I'd love to have Jimmy be a part of my life again at some point. Just as a friend, you know? Is that crazy?

I miss him! I miss us laughing together and talking about stuff and just...I miss us connecting with one another on a level that nobody else understands. I miss his touch, and his hugs, and his offbeat sense of humor. I miss really being able to talk so openly and honestly with someone that I cared about, inside and out.

The first thing on Sam's mind, though, was how things went with my mom when I sat down and basically accepted all of the guilt and blame for getting caught in the middle of...um...losing my virginity. At least, that's how I'm hoping SHE sees it! The less questions she has about my sexual history, the better.

Sam was like, "Don't make me WAIT or anything? I mean, I was afraid to call your house yesterday because I thought your mom might curse me out or something for encouraging you. Hehehe!"

I said, "No, it wasn't like that. Honestly, I don't think she's talking to me right now. I think her brain is still kinda processing the whole thing. I'm scared to bring it up again."

Sam reassured me that it would be alright, saying, "Dude, the hard part is over. At least, that's what I'm thinking. If she hasn't flipped out on you yet, then that means she's trying hard not to. I'd say that was a good thing."

I'm like, "You'd think so, but it's not. This house has been silent as a tomb since it happened." I told Sam, "My mom has been going through some turmoil lately, with my dad leaving and all. I was kinda hoping not to spring this on her until things settled down a little bit."

Sam said, "Well, things were different when it was just you and a secret, dude. You've got a boyfriend now. Things change. She's going to know that you're spending all of your time with him, talking on the phone, going places together...you can't really hide that kind of thing from the people around you. I highly doubt you'd be able to hide it from your mom. Mom's know these things. If you're getting away with something, it's because they LET you get away with it."

I'm like, "Hehehe, quit scaring me!"

He said, "You think my mom didn't know about me and Joey when that happened? She knew Joey was my girlfriend from the jump. I'm sure that your mom has looked back on you and Brandon being together and is thinking, 'How did I not see this before'?"

I said, "But Brandon was never really around back then. I didn't really bring him to the house when she was here. As far as she was concerned, we were just friends."

He's like, "Well, there goes that illusion, huh?" He giggled while I stuck out my bottom lip in a gentle pout. Sam was all like, "You're just letting this whole situation fuck with your mind more than you should. Give it a week or so, she'll come around. She's probably just trying to find the right words to tell how 'ok' she is with it all."

With a sigh, I said, "God, Sam...I hope you're right..."

Then, before leaving, he said, "I have no idea what I'm going to say to Jimmy to get him to lay off for a little bit, but I'll talk to him, ok? I think he just needs somebody to lean on right now. Once he cries it out and shares his feelings with someone who's willing to listen...he'll get his head straight and start moving in the right direction again."

Feeling a pain in my ribs, I said, "Thank you, Sam. Please, just...just be careful with him, ok? I know that I sound like a total fucking hypocrite saying that, but...Jimmy can really take things to heart sometimes. You know? He bruises easy when it comes to his emotions. I just want him to know that I never meant to hurt him the way I did."

Sam simply told me, "You let me worry about all of that. For now, will you PLEASE do what I told you to do? Can you stay away from him for a couple of weeks?"

I was like, "He's been calling ME, Sam..."

But he says, "I know. I know. Just...don't answer him, ok? Don't provoke this thing to go any further than it has to. Let me try to work some magic and see what I can come up with. Ok?" I grumbled for a moment or two, but he's like, "OK???" So I told him that I'd ignore Jimmy and not try to fix things anymore. But I still think that ignoring him is only going to make things worse. I just wish I knew how to find a way to keep from hurting him so much. You know? I don't want poor Jimmy to suffer this way.

After all the issues and minor complaints that I ever had concerning Jimmy over the years...I don't think I ever really appreciated the spice he brought to my life until it was gone. I regret not noticing that in its entirety before now.

I have no right to feel this way. Not after what I did to him. But I feel it anyway. Right there in my gut. I guess it's a part of my penalty for being such a pig when it came to Jimmy's genuine feelings of love for me. I was his dream boy. The one he had been waiting his whole life for. It's not that I think I made the wrong decision, I just think that I'm going to have to pay for the pain and agony that I left in the wake of that decision. That's what mostly keeps me up at night.

It's easy to say 'He'll get over it' when you're not the one who's heart was destroyed by it all. After months of crying over Brandon when we were apart, I can only imagine that Jimmy's going through his own personal Hell right now. And he's just beginning to take that long journey towards getting better. I think that's why I sympathize so much. I remember what it felt like. To be rejected, and abandoned, and pushed away by the person I wanted to be closer to than anyone else in the world. It digs into so deeply that you can barely find the energy to cry about it. It just aches. It makes you curl up into a little ball and just...just...hurt.

This heartbreak and hatred that I'm getting from him now...it's not over. And I know that it's not over. Maybe that's what I deserve. Maybe breaking his heart was a mistake that simply can't ever be undone.

God, I'm sorry, Jimmy! I'm so SO sorry!

Anyway...

I did get a call from Bobby today. I was actually a bit surprised by that. I haven't heard much from Bobby this Summer so far, and when we last spoke, he kinda made it seem like he didn't want me around him and his new boyfriend. I think Ian is a great guy and all, but I'd never try to muscle my way between them. They're too happy together for me to want anything less than good times for them both. But took the call as a good omen and got a chance to talk to him for a while.

When asked Bobby about the movie, he was like, "Hehehe, yeah! Ian is all excited and happy about the way things are turning out. He's already working on making an opening credits scene. He scouted out some locations around the neighborhood, and he got some lights and stuff for us to work with. I think he's actually a little disappointed that he can't make a practice Summer film look like 'The Avengers' or something. But, you know...he's ambitious. Can't fault him for that, right?"

I can definitely agree with that one. And when Bobby told me that Ian was still trying to reach out to a few of his cousins and maybe some other boys from school for extra roles, I said, "Who wouldn't want to be in a Summer vampire movie?"

He's like, "Well....I mean, Ian doesn't know enough people around here to fill up the cast he had planned. And he feels weird about just hunting down boys at the mall to play roles in...well, in a gay movie. You know? So he may have to readjust his script again to cut a few people out."

I said, "Well...wait. I mean, I know a few people that might be interested to play a small part or two. I doubt they'd mind. Some that I know from work, maybe. And I'm sure Sam would be cool about giving up a few of his weekends for the cause. He'd get a kick out of that for sure." Then I said, "You know...I've been hanging out with Brandon a lot too lately. I could always ask him too, if Ian's got a role for him."

The phone conversation went silent for a moment. A long moment. I almost thought that bobby and I had been disconnected or something, before he was like, "Brandon? Really? Oh...." Is it weird that I wasn't thinking about that whole nasty situation between the three of us when I mentioned it? It's not like I didn't remember what had happened initially between the three of us. I just...I didn't really worry about it when I mentioned his name. Bobby was lost for words for a moment. Then he's like, "I didn't know that you...well, that you two were...you know...."

I said, "Oh. Yeah. We've been talking. I think we might be..." I didn't want to jinx anything, so I said, "Well, we're working on straightening things out. You know...one day at a time..."

Bobby gave me this really fake chuckle, and he said, "Figures. You two always did strike me as the inseparable type. Can't fight fate, right?"

I don't know if he meant for that to sound as sad as it did, but that's how I heard it. Like...it just sounded like he was hurt by the idea. I can't imagine why. He already had his own taste of happiness with Ian being a part of his life. They had JUST sent me a video, showing me how awesome they were together. What could possibly make him want anything more?

Trying to lighten the mood, I chuckled and told him, "Well, hehehe, the goal is to eventually be as happy as you and your red headed beauty are, right?"

Bobby sighed and said, "Yeah. Totally."

That wasn't convincing at all. So, I'm like, "I got your video! You guys look so cute together! I'm so happy for you two."

Bobby just said, "Yeah. Ok...cool. Well, you know what? I think I'm gonna go for now. But, I guess Ian already talked to you about getting together next weekend, right?"

It was a swift change of subject, but knowing how Bobby can drown in the occasional mood swing for no reason whatsoever, I decided not to resist his need to cut our conversation short. I was like, "Uhhh...not outside of the video that he sent. But I took the hint, so I'm ready when he is. I'll have to weave it in to my work schedule somehow though. It changes from week to week, but I can let him know what days I'm free this Sunday night, k?" That seemed good enough for Bobby.

What struck me as odd was Bobby, just before hanging up, saying, "It's really cool to hear that you and Brandon are...you know...together again. I mean, for what it's worth...I'm really sorry about my role in that...that whole nightmare situation. K?"

What do you say to something like that? Honestly, I didn't even want to think about it anymore. After all the time that has passed since Bobby and I had been an item, I didn't even see the point in thinking about it anymore. I was just like, "It's ok. It's all in the past, right?"

And he's like, "Yeah. Totally. In the past. Just...you know..."

I said, "Yeah. I know. Forget about it, ok? Like you said...can't fight fate." I said it with a smile, but I don't think he did. It was a strange reaction. I highly doubt that Bobby Jinette has any lingering feelings for me. We had a short sexual fling, but he was never as enamored with me as Jimmy LaPlane was. It wasn't anywhere near being on the same level of gay boy worship. Who knows? Maybe he just had other things on his mind. That's always possible.

I didn't get any spooky messages from Jimmy tonight. I think that's a good thing. I'm not sure if Sam talked to him or not. But at least I could keep that off of my mind for a bit longer.

I wrote to Brandon tonight to tell him that I loved him and that I was thinking about him. I felt a little shy about it, but...it was in my heart. And any part of my heart, hehehe...my baby can have it. In abundance, if that's what he wishes. I just...sighhhh....it makes me feel good to let him know how much I cherish every second that I spend in love with him. It just...it DOES, ya know???

Brandon just sent a message back with a blush and a kiss. I waited a minute or two for something else to come through, but I think he was too bashful to say anything else. He's like that sometimes. It turns me on SO much! There's NOTHING more attractive to me than someone being shy when he's way too beautiful and way too awesome to be shy about anything!

What can I say? Brandon's modesty is the ultimate aphrodisiac to me! Well...that and his sexy, shapely, ASS! Hehehe!

Still haven't talked to my mom yet. I want to. I NEED to. But, as usual, I'm putting it off until I can come up with some kind of game plan about my approach to tell her NOT to say anything to my dad about being gay! Give me time. I'm working on that.

I've gotta run! I want to call Brandon early in the morning and see if we can get together tomorrow. It doesn't have to be for sex, I just...I love being around him. I love seeing his smile. I love hearing him giggle nervously and seeing the cute way that he rolls his eyes when I attempt to compliment him without sounding too corny. Gosh, I'm SO in love! So helplessly, hopelessly, in love!

Please, God...let it last forever this time! I'll do my part, as long as fate meets me half way! Hehehe! Let's do it right this time.

Seeya soon!

-Billy