Thursday

- Sighhhh...It's gotten worse.

My face.

There's an actual 'bump' there now. Owwww, it kinda hurts to touch it, and yet I keep touching it anyway for some odd reason. I can't stop looking at it in the mirror. It's weird. It almost makes my whole face look sort of uneven or something. I used some of that stuff that I bought at the drug store yesterday, scrubbing my face with a washcloth, soap and warm water again, in order to keep it extra clean. I did it twice already today, but I don't know if that's going to make much of a difference. It's not like I can expect it to suddenly shrink and go away right in front of my eyes or anything, but...arrrghhh! How long does this sort of thing take? Seriously. I'm just glad that I didn't have to go to work today. That would have been a day long 'shame bath' if I ever had one.

Don't think that I didn't do my homework either! I've been looking online for some kind of miracle cure that can catch this fucker early and stop it before it even begins. I saw everything from super skin cleansing diets, to Aloe Vera applications, to using bags of ice to reduce swelling. I saw people using toothpaste on their faces, and honey, and cloves of garlic! Telling me to drink lots of water instead of juice and soda. I even saw this one article that said SEMEN was really good for the skin! Better believe I read THAT article from beginning to end! How cool would that be? If I could just call Brandon over and suck on that long, luscious, boner of his until he exploded all over my face two or three times a day! Not even my mom could argue with that plan of action! It's like, "I'm just trying to keep my face healthy, Mom! WHAT?!?!" Hehehe!

Then...I made the stupid mistake of looking up 'semen facial' on the internet...and ummm...I got a little distracted from then on.

Note to self...there is a LOT more porn on the internet than I'd ever want to think about.

That reminds me, I'm gonna ask Brandon if he wants to hump my mouth the next time he comes over. Like with me on my back, and him just straddling my face and stuff. We've done a lot of stuff together, but I don't think we tried that one out yet. I dunno...it just seems like it would kinda hot.

Sorry. Getting distracted again.

I was thinking about Brandon from the time I opened my eyes this morning. I always feel this emptiness inside when I first wake up and haven't filled my head and my heart up with visions of his smile. I don't even like to get out of bed until I can, like...'feel' him inside me. There was a time when I could chalk that up to a morning boner and a dirty thought, but...the truth is there was nothing sexual about it. It was different. Some people need their morning coffee, some go for a morning jog. Me? I need to lay back on my pillow and meditate on the love of my life for a few minutes and get our heartbeats back in sync. Even from a distance.

However, even though I had the day off today, I didn't ask him to come over.

Don't get me wrong, I definitely thought about getting myself another hot piece of ass and enjoying the opportunity to give Brandon all the love and sex and deep passionate kisses I had to give him. I mean, I know that my mom told me he couldn't, but she's at work and she's being totally unfair so...what's she gonna do? Set up a Nanny Cam in every room in the house and review the tapes to see if he's been here? I WANT to be with my boyfriend! And if I can't do it here, I'll find somewhere else to do it. I don't care if we end up huffing and puffing in a McDonald's bathroom somewhere, Brandon and I are going to be together. And that's all there is to it.

But the more I thought about things, the more I mulled over what Brandon was telling me the last time we got caught. About...you know...me not thinking about him and his needs. About not thinking of the possible consequences to follow. I mean, it seemed silly to me in the beginning, but my mom practically threatened to call his dad. I don't think I could bear it if I was responsible for messing things up with him and his father. I don't know his dad that well, but from the way Brandon reacts to the very idea of him finding out that he likes boys...I can safely assume that there's a very delicate balance going on in that household. Best not to cause any disruption to it.

So, I called Brandon to talk for a while today, but I tried to restrain myself from making him come over today. Funny thing is, I think he wanted to come over anyway. There were all of these little pauses in our conversation where he seemed to be waiting for me to ask. Little hints, and that shy little giggle that he usually uses whenever he wants to flirt. I wish I could record it here somewhere. It's the most adorable flitter of boyish giggles EVER! God, I love it when he does that! But I think I just settled for telling him how much I loved him and having us connect for a while over the phone. I'm probably going to regret that decision an hour from now, and I'm gonna have to jack off twice before bed just so I can get to sleep and not poke a 'dick sized' hole in the mattress...but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Brandon's more than just someone to make love to. We're friends. GREAT friends. It's always comforting to know that we can enjoy that part of our relationship too. Besides, the LAST thing I want to do is come off like some disgusting AJ clone, where all I think about is sex and get angry when I can't have it right away. Well, get angry or run off and screw somebody else.

Sighhhh...the phases I go through...

Sooooo...in other news...

I think I might have let my guilty feelings get the best of me today. But what else is new, right? I got a message from Jimmy today. A brighter tone, but I could feel the sadness behind it anyway. I sorta thought about how often he was writing and calling me before, and it seemed to have been slowing down. It's been a little over a month now...almost a month and a half to be honest, since the day I told him that we should break up. That's a decent amount of time for him to work things out in his head, right? I don't know. I'm still brand new to the break up thing, even though I went through something similar with Bobby and Lee...Jimmy was a completely different situation. You know, when you're feeling everything for the first time, it can be a little bit overwhelming. I'm trying to get better though. Promise.

So, considering that Jimmy hasn't been extremely CREEPY over the last week, I was thinking that I had seen the worst of it. The eye of the storm, you know? I thought maybe he was starting to get over me. Just a little bit. Anyway, the message was totally innocent.

He was like:

"Hey. I know that you probably don't want to talk to me or anything, so don't feel like you have answer this. I completely understand. I was just watching something on TV that reminded me of you and it made me laugh. You remember when you, me, and Stacy, went to the movies with the others? You were wearing that light blue shirt that I always thought looked so cute on you? I remember Stacy having the biggest crush on you. Silly. Girls, right? Psh! :P"

Reading it, Jimmy almost felt...normal. A bit sad, but not 'over the top' sad. Jimmy can have mood swings that are a little hard to read, and even more difficult to predict. But at least he was trying to reach out to me, you know? It felt like he was really trying to create a truce between us, and I was really relieved by that.

He went on to say:

"Can you believe that same movie is coming out on Blu-Ray already? Weird. Anyway, I saw a commercial for it, and I thought about you. So..."

"You know, as much as it hurt, I understand how hard it must have been for you to break up with me. To look me in the eye and tell me the truth. I guess I can respect that. I mean...if you don't love me then you just don't love me. There's nothing that either one of us can do about it. I reacted badly and I didn't mean to freak out on you, ok? I just...I miss you, Billy. I miss everything about you. Not just the erotic parts. I miss our friendship. I miss hearing from you and feeling like I was a part of your every day life the way you were a part of mine. I miss the way you used to turn red in the face whenever I hit you with a surprise compliment, and how you used to be so awkward about changing the subject so you wouldn't hurt my feelings. Hehehe! That was just such a 'Billy Chase' thing to do. But I find all of your 'Billy-isms' super cute, so I guess that was just another part of what I loved most about you."

I kept reading, and actually smiled at a few parts, remembering some of the good times we shared together as friends. He mentioned 'love' and stuff, but it was all in the past tense. Like it was old news. Then he says:

"Look...I understand that you've moved on and you've given your heart away to somebody else...and while that hurts in ways that you can't possibly imagine...I just sorely miss having you in my life, ok? Even as a friend. And if you can find it in your heart to forgive me for the bullshit I put you through over the last few weeks...I'd really like for us to talk again. But...like I said, that's all up to you."

"Really looking forward to hearing from you soon. Or...not. Whichever. I miss you, Billy Chase, and I'm sorry. Later."

I read the email twice in a row. I can't really explain what it was that I was feeling at that moment. The sensation was hard to pin down. Maybe it was relief? The relief of taking the heavy bricks of unfathomable guilt off of my shoulders for messing around with Jimmy's feelings in the first place. I'd love to tell myself that it was never intentional, but is that really true? I was feeling hurt, and rejected, and alone...and here's this cute boy that I had so much in common with and enjoyed having around me, showering me with all the love and affection that I could ever want. How could I say no?

Well, let me just write this here to my future self, just in case I end up going through this again someday....SAY NO!

That's not love. That's ego. It's a selfish need to steal affection from someone just because you can. I shouldn't have done that. I should have stayed focused on what I really wanted instead of trying to find a substitute for love. I did a lot of 'wrong' concerning his vulnerable heart, and reading this message just made me feel bad for not taking the kind of action that I should have taken from the very beginning. I can't expect Sam to fix this. It's my fault. It's MY problem. And my mom and dad taught me to handle my problems on my own. So...tonight, I decided to stop hiding from Jimmy and just give him a call. I wanted to talk to him. This was just...'necessary'.

Obviously, hearing his phone ring made me nervous. SO nervous! But I didn't hang up. My name was going to show up on his phone anyway, and if he decided to call me back, I was going to be just as terrified to answer him as I was to call him in the first place. So I might as well get it over with.

I could feel my blood being pumped through my veins at light speed as I heard the third ring, and almost started thinking that I was gonna get off easy by having Jimmy be too busy to answer. Then, suddenly...

"HELLO???"

He was so excited! So...so shocked. Awwww, I didn't want to let him down now.

So, with a big gulp of saliva, I weakly said, "Hey..."

There was a bit of shuffling from his side of the phone, like he was rushing into his room and closing the door. Then, with a breathless shiver in his voice, he was like, "Billy? Hi!"

It was a level of joy that I hadn't heard in Jimmy's voice in a long time. A light and bubbly tone that just screamed out how much he was glad that I had called him back. I know he said that he didn't care one way or the other in his message, but apparently he was waiting on it. Maybe he knows me better than he thinks.

"I got your...message, so..." I said, the discomfort clogging up the back of my throat as I tried to gauge which of Jimmy's many moods I was going to be dealing with today.

He's like, "Omigod! Cool! I'm so glad! Billy...listen, I can't tell you how sorry I am, ok? About everything. I really REALLY love you, and I just got carried away."

He was really hyper at the moment. He sounded different. But I said, "It's alright, Jimmy. Honestly. What I did to you was unforgivable. You had every right to be upset with me..."

Before I could finish, he was like, "NO!!! No way! I was the asshole in all this, and I'm SO sorry! Ok? I feel like such a fucking idiot about reacting the way I did! Look, I don't have a whole lot of money...but...if I, like...broke anything in your room...?"

I said, "Nah, don't worry about it. Honestly, I really don't have much valuable stuff to break. So we're cool." I don't know why I was shaking like I was. I felt like I was walking on eggshells past a sleeping dragon with every word that I spoke to him. It was nerve-racking, but still enough of a relief as to where I didn't think I had much to worry about. I'm like, "So...what's up?" Silly question, but it saved us from experiencing an uncomfortably awkward silence.

He's like, "I'm ok. I've been doing...you know...Summer stuff."

I said, "Cool. Good to hear. I'm glad."

Jimmy squirmed for a moment, then he took a deep breath and said, "I was totally serious about what I said in my message to you, ok? I mean...the one I sent today. Not those other ones. You can forgive me for being a bit of a psycho, right? I mean...it's YOU we're talking about here. If there's ever a cute boy to get committed into an asylum for...I imagine that you would be the one." He was giggling. Actually giggling. That's a good sign. For the first time in forever, it felt like Jimmy was just interested in us talking again without any romantic involvement whatsoever being a part of it. I think I could feel the tension in my shoulders relax immediately. I breathed easy, and I even smiled as Jimmy and I talked to each other for another 20 minutes straight without really lingering on the bad break up that we had experienced prior to this conversation. I'm thinking that's a great amount of progress. I didn't want to mention the break up or anything, and I thought it would be downright rude to mention Brandon to him. Despite the temporary peace between us, I knew that there were still a lot of issues that had to be ironed out, and me skating out on him for another boy was a major one. Still, Jimmy and I talk for a few minutes, and even shared a nervous laugh or two. And then, believe it or not, he told me that he had to go.

He told ME that! I can remember when he had to wait for me to hang up first. Hehehe! I don't know...maybe I underestimated Jimmy's ability to deal with his tragic heartbreak. Maybe we can one day get back to being good friends after all.

So I told him that I was happy that I got a chance to talk to him. As usual, the slightest of compliments makes him melt right out of his clothes. Hehehe! He sighs and tells me, "It was cool talking to you too, Billy. Just hearing your voice again...it makes life a bit easier to talk. I hope you know that."

I didn't want to lead him on or anything, but I didn't want to seem insensitive either. So I just said, "Ah, cool. Well...good. I'm glad."

Jimmy seemed to be holding back a spontaneous response when I told him that. In fact, I think I heard him sniffle a bit when he caught his breath and built up enough courage to answer me. "Yeah. Me too. I just...I wanted you to know that I missed you, ok? That's all it was."

I'm like, "I know. And like I said before, it's not that I don't miss you too. I just felt like I was hurting you by...you know...not being what you wanted me to be."

He says, "Heh, no chance of that, Billy. You're everything that I could ever want you to be. Trust me. I can't imagine you ever falling short. Not in any category."

The comment seemed a little heavy at the time. I could feel it weighing my emotional strings down, and I couldn't be sure if Jimmy had planned on that or not. Still, I smiled and said, "Thank you. Hehehe! I...I hope I didn't ruin everything."

He's like, "Nope. Never. You're perfect. You're sooooo perfect, Billy!"

Ok...that last comment made me feel a bit weird.

then he's like, "I have to go now. I know it's a lot to ask, but...can I call you once in a while? Just to...you know...say hello? The Summer really sucks without you, dude."

I said, "Yeah. That's cool. We can talk and stuff..."

He was quick to add, "And then, maybe we can hang out? Go see a movie or something? Play some videogames? Just...sit around your house like we used to?"

It was a bit further than I wanted to go, but...like I said, he was SO happy. Saying 'no' would be like going to the fair and popping some little kid's balloon just to see him cry. So I was just like, "Yeah. Ok. Maybe. I mean, I've got work and stuff now, so, I have to keep a schedule and all..."

Jimmy happily blurted out, "THAT'S OK!!! I mean...ahem...if you wanted to work around that or whatever, I'm game. Just...tell me when you're available again."

Do I suddenly stop the conversation right where it is and insult Jimmy by telling him that I just wanted to talk more and be friends? Would I be wrecking the fantasy? Is he going to get all infatuated and heartbroken again if I don't make it clear that Brandon and I are going to be an item from now on? Or is he trying to make a real effort to leave the sore feelings he had for me behind, once and for all? I just said, "Ummm...ok. Deal." did that sound like a definite commitment? I don't know. I really WOULD like to see Jimmy again and put all of that bullshit behind us. Nothing would make me happier than going to bed at night knowing that Jimmy was ok and that what I had done to his fragile heart had been forgiven and forgotten.

But when he said, "Ok! Sweet! Well, I'll call you soon. Just...you're beautiful, Billy! K? I love you! And I'll talk to you soon!" I knew that there was more behind that than he he wanted me to know.

I know what Sam told me, but...I NEEDED to talk to Jimmy! I was hurting him soooo much by ignoring his messages and all. What was I supposed to do? I don't fucking know! I'm trying to figure out what the right thing to do is...but life isn't as 'black and white' as I thought it was. Everything comes with a certain level of misery that you have to face no matter WHAT choice you make in life.

I used to look up to people who made life seem like it was so fucking SIMPLE! I took comfort in knowing that there were people out there who had the answers to everything that a teenager needed to know before experiencing life on his own. But they were faking. they pretend to have the answers to everything, but they don't. I'm all on my own. Which sucks, but I'm gonna give it my all. One day, I'm going to look back at these pages and think about how stupid and annoying and ridiculous my thoughts and feelings were...but not today. Maybe when I'm old and gray and bitter about life...I'll have all the answers. Just...you know...not today.

Anyway, I've got to get ready for bed soon. My mom and I 'talk' every now and then. But we're not really friendly yet. Not now. Let's just say that we have a severe difference of opinion. And I'm not giving up on my personal stance just yet about being with someone I love without her supervision. I don't remember my grandparents playing 'chaperone' for my mom and dad the whole time that I've been alive. What's so different with me and MY boyfriend? I mean...both sets of grandparents must have turned their heads for at least fifteen minutes at one point or I wouldn't exist! Right?

Parents having sex....ewww!

Ok, I've gotta run! But I'll write more later.

Seeya.

- Billy