Saturday

- I called Jamie Cross today.

Hehehe! Who would ever think that I'd start one of my entries like that? Certainly not me!

If I went back to my very first diary (Yeah, it's ok for me to call it a diary now. I guess I'm ok with the label these days), the very idea of calling Jamie Cross on the phone would have been a terrifyingly apocalyptic experience! But...I did it.

I won't lie and say that I wasn't extremely nervous about him answering my call...but I did it. So, you know...progress, I guess?

When he answered his phone, I felt like I was literally CHOKING on my infatuation!!! He's SO damn gorgeous! I mean, I have a boyfriend now! This kind of childish obsession should be a bit more manageable for me at this point, shouldn't it? What the hell is wrong with me?It's not like I'll ever be able to have him or anything.

Hehehe, well...then again, I once said the same thing about Sam.

Anyway, Jamie is like, "Billy? Is that you? What's UP, dude! I thought we were going to hang out this Summer. Where'd you run off to?"

I'm like, "Oh...hehehe...I got that job at the mall, as you know...so I guess I've either been busy or exhausted from being busy. Life, I suppose."

Jamie said, "I hear that. I worked for my dad last Summer, and it felt like it was sucking the life out of me. To the point when I didn't have time for anything else. Especially the 'fun' stuff. Made some good money, though." The idea of 'sucking the life' out of Jamie Cross did enter my mind when he said that, but I got rid of the mental picture as quickly as possible so I could focus. Then he asked, "So, what's up?"

I was physically shaking when I spoke the words out loud, but I did my best to not make a total idiot out of myself. I said, "Well...heh...you said you were having a party next weekend." I had to swallow to keep my throat from going dry on me, and I felt my stomach quivering as I asked him, "Is it ok if I stop by? Maybe for a little bit?"

Awww, Jamie's smile was so obvious when he gave me his reply. He was all like, "Omigod, dude! Of course! I went out of my way to invite you. It wouldn't be a true party without you, man. I stopped by your job to ask about you."

I'm like, "Yeah. They told me..." I am SO not used to having 'casual' talks with Jamie Cross! This is surreal!

He's all like, "Cool! Well, you're more than welcome to pop in. Everybody from school is gonna be there! I'm sure they'll all be happy to see THE Billy Chase in attendance with everybody else!"

Why, in God's name, do people keep referring to me like that??? Since when did I become a celebrity in the minds of my classmates? Never, that's when.

I giggled a little bit louder than I expected to, my voice cracking a little at its peak, and then I cleared my throat and tried to sound stable again. I asked him, "Would it be ok if...maybe I brought a couple of friends with me? Just, like...one or two?"

I didn't come right out and let him know that his current girlfriend's ex would be with me (Me...who's also her 'ex'!), but how would I even bring that up without sounding like a jerk? Besides...Sam's my best friend, and he promised to behave himself...so I'll keep my fingers crossed and just try to have a good time. How I'm going to explain having Brandon there is still up in the air for me. Not that we can't just be seen as good friends too, but...is that what I really want to do? Now that the Summer is coming to a close, do we just comfortably try to fit ourselves back into the closet again? Not hold hands in public? Worry about who's watching before gleefully delivering a spontaneous kiss to one another? Do I have to swear everybody at work to complete and total secrecy? It seems like it would be pretty difficult to try to put this lightning back in the bottle again, is all.

Jamie didn't even blink before telling me, "Sure. Whatever's clever. Bring whoever you want. It'll be awesome." And before I knew it, I was getting all the details and having Jamie practically flatter me into a full blown swoon from being so happy for me to get back to him.

I wonder if he still suspects that I'm gay. He never really asked me, and I never really told him. But he did ask Joanna, so it definitely crossed his mind. What would he say if I just came right out and told him? I dunno...I'm just curious is all.

I got a chance to talk to Brandon tonight, which was my way for apologizing for running out on him the last time. I didn't really go into many details about what happened with Trace that night, but I did let Brandon know that it was a bit of a tense situation, and needed my immediate attention. All he said was, "It's ok, Billy. I totally understand. I hope your friend is feeling better. Did you check up on him at all?"

I cringed slightly, telling him, "Ummm...no. The last time I tried to 'check up' on him, he kinda gave me both barrels for trying to help. So that might be a bad idea, trying that again."

Brandon giggled, "You hate that, don't you?"

I'm like, "I don't hate it, I just...I'm trying be a friend, you know? And when I do, the other person either gets upset and rejects me, or they latch on and try to take advantage until they drain me for every ounce of compassion I have. I figure there's GOTTA be a middle ground in there somewhere. I just don't know how to find it. I just...keep swinging back and forth between being used and being abused. It's not always fun."

Brandon was like, "I can't imagine it would be." But then he asked, "So why keep doing that to yourself? Why not take a break once in a while? Do something for yourself instead of everybody else at once. The rest of the world outnumbers you 8 billion to one, ya know?"

With a heavy sigh, I was like, "Because...I wouldn't be at my best if I let the people around me suffer. I feel like less of a person if I didn't at least try. Even when I screw it up. It's hard to explain, but...I feel what they feel when they're hurting. And I want to help. That's all. I have to make a conscious 'choice' to not listen. To not answer them or give them a few kind words. It's a decision that I have to make to turn my back on people I care about...and it's a decision that I don't feel good about. Not at all." I heard silence on the other end of the line, and I asked, "Does that make any sense? Or am I just being emo and rambling again?"

Brandon chuckled to himself, and he said, "You're not rambling, Billy. In fact, that's exactly what I expected you to say."

I was like, "Hehehe, well...that either means your psychic, or you're just as messed up as I am."

He's like, "I'd like to think the world would be a better place if we all were." This time, Brandon sighed. But it was more of a love struck expression of joy. He asked, "Do you know what I've always loved most about you, Billy?"

A bit nervous about the answer, I joked, "My shiny blond hair and an ass that won't quit?"

He's like, "Well, YEAH! Psh! Of course!" He said, but then got a bit more serious and he added, "I think you have more compassion in you that you're willing to give yourself credit for. I've never met anyone with so much heart. And no matter what's going on in your world...you just keep giving it away. Wearing it on your sleeve. Exposing it to the best and the worst of us. It's inspiring, you know? It makes me wonder if I could do the same...and never give up. No matter what." I wasn't quite sure what to say to that, but Brandon was like, "Don't you dare think about changing who you are and what you feel for the sake of becoming one of 'them'. You be you. I love who you are. And I doubt my loving heart would feel this safe with anybody else. Loving you is easy. But...having you love me back? Sometimes it's too much for me to bear. But I'm sticking around, because there is no one more deserving of my heart than you are...hard times and all. K?" Okaaay...so now I'm left with my pulse pounding and my throat dry...getting a few goosebumps from just hearing him tell me that I was...fine being me. You'd be surprised how good it is to heart hat every once in a while. It makes a difference. It really does. Hehehe, and then Brandon says, "Plus...your ass IS pretty amazing. Just sayin'."

I'm like, "Hahaha! What the...? I was KIDDING!"

He's like, "I wasn't! Have you ever grabbed two handfuls of your own ass, dude? It's like one of those stress reliever things you squeeze at the mall. It's crazy addictive."

I said, "You're an undercover perv when you want to be, you know that?"

He says, "And proud of it when it comes to my boyfriend. Believe me." Then, softly...quietly...he's like, "There will never be a day when I'm not head over heels in love with you, Billy Chase. You're the one that made me realize what it was that I wanted out of life...and what I wanted was you. I mean it, k?"

I was like, "K..." Remembering to tell him, "I love you too, babe. Always. And thanks. You have a way of making me feel better about, well...everything. I don't know what I'd do without you."

He said, "I doubt you'll ever have to find out." And with a few 'over the phone' kisses and a real need to hold myself together as the love swept through me, nearly knocking me off of my feet with the emotional undertow, we were able to say our goodbyes for the night.

Sometimes, my Brandon seems so far away. He might as well be living on Mars when it comes to him being too far away for me to hold him in my arms. To kiss those sweet lips, or run my fingers over the surface of his bare skin. I know that I have to work tomorrow, but we need to find a way to see each other again. Like...immediately. I'm going INSANE Over here!

Alright, I'm running out of pages in this book. Geez! Already? I'll grab another one at the mall tomorrow during my lunch break. I don't want to miss a day. I've gotten so used to sharing my thoughts and feelings in these books...it's become a daily release for me. I don't think this is a habit that I'd be willing to break. It's such a great way to vent without consequences.

I'll write more soon. My mom seems to be loosening up a bit more around me again, and I'm glad that we can sit in the same room with one another without the tension weighing us down like a sack of bricks. But it's obvious that this conflict of ours isn't going to just blow over until we talk about it. Like my dad said...I've got to face this sooner or later.

I'm shooting for sooner.

Later.

- Billy