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- I talked to Ian today.
Part of me really wanted to make sure that he was doing ok. I wasn't really avoiding him, but...I've been a bit wary of jumping back into my usual 'superhero' mode. It's something that I've been trying to fix about myself. It isn't easy. I care...you know? It's really hard to just stop caring, cold turkey.
I know. I've tried. And I can easily remember how that turned out. I'm just not the kind of person who's capable of 'vanishing' on the people I claim to care about. Not for any length of time, anyway.
But then again...there was another part of me that just...needed a serious distraction today. So I can't say that it was all a selfless act.
I didn't sleep well at all last night. The very idea of Ollie's boyfriend, Greg, being intimate with Brandon just a month or two ago...it truly punches a hole in the very center of me every time it crosses my mind. I can't stop seeing it. Thinking of his lips pressed against my boyfriend's lips. His hands rubbing my boyfriend all over. Naked. Private. Brandon moaning and sighing and writhing around on an older guy's bed...experiencing every lustful sensation to its very limit while hoping to forget about me. Loving it. Aroused by it. The thought of another person bringing my sweet angel to the point of a sensual orgasm makes me feel so SICK inside!
I know it sounds selfish, but...Brandon is MINE, dammit!!! You know?
I feel like I want to cry my eyes out just writing this! But, even though this makes me the undisputed KING of the hypocrites after everything I've done to Brandon's poor heart since we first promised our love to one another, right here in this very bedroom...it aches to know that he found that same love and solace in the arms of somebody else while I wasn't around to, at the very least, act as some kind of comparison for the kind of love that he really wanted over some tawdry roll in the sack with a guy he barely knew. That he shared something so intimate with some guy who would never ever love him anywhere NEAR as much as I do. Not ever.
I don't know. I guess I deserve to be slapped in the face with this kind of bad karma after all the shit I put him through. Fair is fair, I suppose.
Feels pretty shitty, though. Just sayin'.
Anyway, Ian attempted to sound somewhat 'normal' when he first answered my call this afternoon. But...I could hear the pain behind it. I wasn't imagining that. Ian was really hurting over the fact that he and Bobby had basically broken up for good, and that the end of the relationship came just as quietly and unexpectedly as the beginning had. It was a sad collapse to something that I, personally, found quite beautiful. Inspiring, even. I had only known Ian for a short while, but I had known Bobby Jinette for much longer, and I can honestly say that I had never seen him so happy. So fulfilled. Even when we were 'fooling around' together...it's easy to see that what Bobby felt for me was a crush. Nothing more than the fact that he thought I was hot and he needed a steady supply of sexual releases. But...what he had with Ian was so much more than that. How the heck did he manage to throw that all away over something as stupid as jealousy and a lack of communication? They were holding hands and kissing each other on the cheek in public already! Witnesses be damned! I just...I don't think I'll ever understand how Bobby could deny seeing the value of making a true effort to be with someone who made him feel that way. It all seems so friggin' silly to me sometimes.
I didn't mind a few lighthearted exchanges with Ian over the phone. But, it wasn't long before I dropped the act and just asked him, point blank, "So...how are you holding up? You know...with everything that's going on with you and Bobby?"
Blunt, I know. But it's not like I couldn't feel his need to want to talk about it. Even over the phone.
Ian sighed heavily, and he replied, "I don't know, Billy. I'm...I'm hanging in there, I guess. I was sort of hoping that this whole thing would blow over, and Bobby and I would talk and work things out. But...it's been a long time now since he even bothered to talk to me. I'm starting to think that I should just cut my losses, shed a few tears for what could have been, and then...move on. Maybe start over from scratch, and find somebody that comes as close to my Bobby as I deserve. It's all I can do, right?"
Omigod! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This wasn't like Ian at all! I'm like, "Dude...'as close to Bobby as I deserve'? Are you kidding me right now?" I was outraged. I really was. I said, "Bobby knows how to get in touch with you whenever he wants to. He could be writing you, calling you, visiting you, right NOW if he really wanted to. But he's being stubborn, and it sucks. He has no reason to treat you as though your feelings don't matter. He has NO reason to ignore the heart you've given him. You were really GOOD to him, Ian! And he just...fuckin' turns his back on you one day and...." I felt myself getting all riled up and angry, and decided to pull it back a little bit. After all, I didn't make this phone call just to choose sides and make things even more broken and dysfunctional between them. I was hoping to give Ian some comfort while he waited out one of Bobby's weird little tantrums, and maybe inspire just enough hope and forgiveness within him to maybe see through Bobby's fear and insecurities long enough to give him another chance.
I'm not bullshitting here when I say that they really made for a cute couple. Sweet, and sexy, and ultra romantic. How could this not work? What the hell went wrong? Was it me? Did my presence in Ian's life trigger this level of jealousy in Bobby and cause a rift to open up between them?
I really didn't want to be a part of that situation. I did everything that I could to step back and let them blossom and build together as boyfriends without my half-brained interference. But...things got fucked up anyway. And I can't rest until I figure out why.
Sadly, Ian was like, "I told you, Billy...he's probably just got somebody else that he's interested in. That's all. He just...stopped being close to me. It was like his love and his affection got cut off one day without warning, and I stopped being important. He's looking for somebody else now. I can't hold that against him. I can't force him to feel something he doesn't feel. It's a waste of my time to chase him around if he doesn't want to meet me half way."
I was like, "Let me talk to him. This isn't fair. He could at least have the balls to tell you why he's being like this. You deserve that much respect."
But Ian's all like, "You can't make him love me any more than I can, Billy. Honestly...I'd rather just try to heal instead of ripping the wound open over and over again. It hurts too much." Geez, my heart was breaking for him. If only you could have heard the agony in his voice. He was so...defeated. He said, "I was looking forward to taking him to the big back to school party at Jamie Cross' house tomorrow. I was hoping that we could just have some fun for the end of the Summer and get back to being like we used to be. And now? Now, I don't even want to go. I don't want to show my face around anybody. It's humiliating to feel like this. You know? To know that he's out there being all...nice and sweet for somebody else. Telling them all the things he used to tell me. Giving them the kisses that he used to give me. It just sucks."
Thinking back to Brandon and Greg, I said, "Yeah. I know the feeling."
Ian sniffled a little bit, but was quick to straighten up again. He's like, "My dad was right, you know? Some people only love you when you're famous. When everything is all roses and rainbows, you're the center of their world. But the second another shiny object comes around, they'll drop you in a heartbeat. I was sorta hoping that Bobby would be different. I wanted to believe that he'd be around through thick and then, even when things were quiet. Even when it was just me and him against the world. I know that's a lot to ask for a stupid high school relationship, but...a guy can dream, right?"
Alright, enough was enough. I almost started to tear up myself. This was unacceptable. I got a crazy idea in my head...and it might not be the 'safest' idea that I've ever had, but...consequences and all, i figured it would be worth a shot. If for no other reason than it might keep Ian stable for a little while longer.
i just...wanted to make sure that this was going to be ok before making any promises...
I'm like, "Ian? Can I call you back in, like...five minutes?"
With another few sniffles, Ian said, "Oh God, I'm sorry, Billy. I'm sitting here pouring my heart out and babbling about my ex-boyfriend like some kind of psycho. Don't mind me. I'm doing fine. You don't have to call back if you don't want to listen to me whine about this. Seriously, you've been an awesome friend. Having you listen was more than enough help for one night."
But I was like, "No! Dude, I want to keep talking to you. I just need to make a quick call first, ok?"
Ian begged me, "Please don't call Bobby. Just...just don't. He knows how to talk to me if and when he feels like it. I don't want to be a pest about it."
I said, "I'm not calling Bobby. I promise. Just...stay by your phone for a few minutes. I'll get back to you soon." Ian quietly agreed, and I hung up. I took a deep breath. I tried to think of what might happen if I actually went through with this, but I couldn't find any possible consequences that would be worse than leaving Ian to rot at home tomorrow night while the rest of us all went out to a party. My conscience wouldn't allow that. Not on any level.
So, I put in Brandon's number...and I made the call.
He picked up, like, "Hey, Babe. Weird, I was just thinking about you. I was wondering, what should I wear tomorrow? Do you like the red shirt? The one with the black design on the front. Or should I go with the black shirt instead?"
I said, "Red. Definitely."
He's like, "Really? I thought you would have gone with the black. You think the red one makes me look pretty? Hehehe!"
I said, "You look pretty no matter what you're wearing. Even prettier when you're not wearing anything at all."
Brandon giggled sweetly, and he's like, "I'll keep that in mind." Adding, "You're spoiling me rotten, you know? I'm going to end up craving this kind of flattery all the time if you're not careful."
I don't know why I felt so tense asking about this, but...Ian was waiting for me to call back. I didn't want him to think I was just trying to get away from him. So I was like, "Brandon? About the party tomorrow...ummmm...I wanted to know if you minded me sorta...changing things up a little bit."
Brandon was like, "Changing things up? How do you mean?"
I said, "I have a friend who...well, he broke up with his boyfriend recently. Or...at least I think he did. I don't know. It's a big, vague, mess to be honest." I told him. Then I said, "I was wondering if you minded it...maybe...he sorta came with us?"
Brandon asked, "Did you say he broke up with his boyfriend?"
I said, "Ummm...yeah. He's...he likes boys."
Brandon was a bit hesitant at first. He's like, "Is this...someone that you...?"
I said, "No! We've never been 'together' or anything. He's just a friend. But...he's Bobby Jinette's boyfriend. Ian."
I could practically hear Brandon's eyes rolling over the phone. He's like, "Bobby Jinette. I swear, I just can't shake that guy out of my life..."
I said, "I know, I know...but...Ian's really hurting right now. I think it would help him a lot to go out tomorrow and maybe get Bobby off of his mind. I wouldn't be able to have a good time if I knew that he was sitting at home all by himself being miserable."
Brandon thought about it for a second, and he asked, "What did he say when you told him he could come with us?"
I said, "I didn't tell him yet. I wanted to ask you first to make sure it was ok."
He grinned, "So, it's all on me now, is it?"
I'm like, "Hehehe, yeah. Pretty much."
I already knew what Brandon's answer would be. And he already knew what I expected his answer to be. Still, it's a good idea to actually have us both commit to the verbal agreement in real time. Brandon was like, "Alright. Yeah. Far be it from me to keep Billy Chase from helping out a friend."
Cheerfully, I gave Brandon a big smooch, like, "MWAH!!! Thank you! It'll be great! Ian's really awesome, he just got a raw deal from Bobby basically tossing his heart in the trash for no real reason. But, the party will help. A lot. I'm sure of it." I was super happy about telling Ian the plan, but there was one more issue that had to be addressed before making things official. I was like, "Ummm...sweetie? There's one more, teeny tiny, little thing..."
Brandon giggled, like, "Oh? There's more? The plot thickens."
I winced a little when I said it, but I told him, "Ian...ummm...may or may not know that I'm gay."
Brandon asked, "May or may not?"
I said, "Ok. He totally doesn't know that I'm gay. Or that you're gay. Or that we're...gay for each other."
Brandon sighed. His voice sounded a little disappointed. And after a brief pause, he's like, "Ok. I see. So...does this mean...?" He searched for the right words to express himself, and then said, "...I guess we should keep a lid on the whole dating thing, then? At least until after the party?"
I could hear the way he said it, and I'm being honest when I say that the idea of keeping the secret had really crossed my mind. I was like, "Wait...what? No. No, that's not what I'm saying at all."
Brandon said, "I'll understand, Billy. Sometimes things get a little complicated. It's not like either one of us planned for this..."
But I had to cut him off, like, "Brandon...you're my boyfriend. I want you to come to this party AS my boyfriend. I'm so proud of who you are. I'm proud of who I am when I'm with you. And, unless you're feeling a little shaky about it yourself, which I'd TOTALLY respect if that's what you feel...then I'd like it if we didn't have to try to put that lightning back in the bottle. You know?"
Brandon had a smile that practically changed the sound of his voice. I could always tell. He's like, "I won't lie, Billy...to say that I was a bit shaky about this would be a huge understatement. But...ever since we talked about it, I've been thinking about it more and more...and I was kinda looking forward to giving it a try. Win or lose, you know?"
I said, "I know. And I'm scared too. But...I remember the night that you kissed me in that cafe, right there in front of all my friends from work...and it was one of the greatest things that's ever happened to me. I get the shivers every tie I think about it. And if that's a glimpse of what life could be like all the time with you by my side...then I think it's worth a shot. I want to try."
Brandon seemed touched, and he's like, "I want to try too. I'll be ready for whatever happens tomorrow night. Win or lose...we'll still have each other. Always."
I grinned, and said, "We'll, it couldn''t be any worse than having you wiggling your bare ASS in front of my mom, you pervert!"
With a gasp, he's like, "BILLY!!!"
I cackled out loud, and told him, "Sorry. That was a low blow. Pun intended. Hehehe!" But then I added, "I just wanted to make sure that you were ok with Ian maybe knowing about us. I guess he'll be the first to hear the news before anybody else from school. I didn't want to make any big decisions without letting you know first."
He said, "I've been gearing up for this all week. We've got to start somewhere." Then he's like, "I'm ready if you are. Just...hold my hand, and I'm sure that I can do anything."
He giggled nervously, and I said, "You can have my hand any time. I love you, Brandon."
He says, "I love you too, Billy." And we finally found the courage to hang up. Even though I could have easily stayed on the line with him for another hour and a half, easily.
But Ian was waiting.
He actually seemed surprised to hear back from me as I had promised. His voice was scratchy, he was sniffling worse than before. I was pretty sure that he had been crying for most of the time that I had been talking to Brandon. I've seriously got to find a way to help him. I might not be able to fix this...but I could at least be a good friend, and a shoulder to lean on. What else was I supposed to do?
As much trouble as Jimmy LaPlane is in my life right now...I don't regret not turning my back on him when he had his...'accident'. And I'd do it all over again if it came to that. Not because of who Jimmy is...but because of who *I* am. Period.
Ian resisted a bit at first. Telling me that I didn't have to do this, and I shouldn't worry about him. And 'what happens if Bobby shows up at the party'? But I didn't let him weasel his way out of my invitation with a lame excuse. And fear of the unknown is always a lame excuse. And, finally, Ian asked, "Are...are you sure it's ok. With your friends and all?" And after nearly using up every breath I had to convince him that he was going to join me, Brandon, and Sam, whether he liked it or not...he finally caved in. Ian was like, "Billy...you have no reason to be so good to me. Especially now. I know that Bobby is your friend. But, for what it's worth, I'm really glad that you'd even make the offer to take me with you. Thanks for that."
There it is again. That feeling in my heart. That warm vibration that rewards me whenever I feel as though I did something right. Had a positive impact or made some kind of difference. If only everyone could truly experience this feeling...just once or twice...they might be more inclined to help people too. To be more forgiving. To be more accepting.
Maybe it's selfish to always wish for a better world, or to demand that everybody bear the burden of the rest of the world's problems...but I really do believe that we all have the opportunity to be the miracles that the people around us have been praying for. We can be angels. All we have to do is try. Just every once in a while...just...try.
Anyway, I've only got a few pages left in this diary before I finish it out and put it on the shelf with the others. I might as well stop this here. Besides, I'm gonna need to get some sleep tonight. I've got work in the morning, then I've got to come home, shower, get dressed, coordinate plans with Sam, Brandon, and Ian...and then, it's on to Jamie Cross' house for the party of the Summer.
And I'm already exhausted just writing that in this book.
I'm going to need all the energy I can get for this one. So I'll write more later. Wish me luck.