- I think I woke up with some weird sense of 'habit' today more than anything else. I got so used to waking up on Saturdays to run out to the mall or to AJ's house...that it kinda came automatically to me. I attempted to make myself some pancakes and eggs for breakfast today. Not such a good idea. Note to self...your cooking sucks, Billy. I ended up eating around the 'bad' parts and scraping the rest in the trash. Then washed it all down with a sugary bowl of cereal. There's no WAY that I could fuck that up. I know what you're thinking...breakfast of champions, right? Whatever.

Honestly? Not having that weird expectation harping on me to 'be somewhere', I found myself kinda lost for a while this morning. I had no idea what I was going to do with my day at all. But then I thought about it and realized something. No shopping mall, no long bus ride, no Joanna, no Sam...wow...it actually feels pretty good. Who needs them anyway? I certainly don't. They're probably hanging out together right now. Fuckers. Screw them. They're probably there having a really good time without me too, not that I care. I wonder if Lee went with them. Me and him have been getting pretty close and friendly lately. I wonder if he heard the news and was as angry at them as I was for being so damn heartless. It would be a cool development to have Sam and Joanna lose MORE friends over this. They'd be sorry for fucking around with my feelings then for sure.

Anyway, I was feeling a little 'healed up' from yesterday, even though I could still kinda feel where AJ's boner pushed into me. It didn't really hurt, but there was a little soreness still. Anyway, it made me think about him...and I called him up. I don't know...I just..had the taste of him in my mouth for some reason, and I wanted more. So much more. I was even hornier than usual, and I just wanted him to hold me again, you know? I needed him to use me. Especially now. I just wanted to feel good. He picked up the phone and I asked if he wanted to get together and 'do stuff' today. He was quiet for a sec, and then he said, "Um....hold on a sec." So he went in the other room, I guess to see if his mom was going out or something. Who knows? But when he came back, he sighed in frustration. "Sorry dude. It looks like my mom is staying home today. Shit." I told him it was ok, but he kept saying, "But I really wanna see you again soon though. Ok? I had SUCH an awesome time yesterday. Seriously! I loved....um...." He lowered his voice to a whisper, "....Being inside your hot tight ass, cutie." He was so CUTE when he said it! It made me jump! Omigod, I was squirming SO bad!!!

"Yeah...I liked having you inside me too." Ok, so I lied a little bit. I think I was just caught up in the moment, you know? But, no matter how much it hurt, I'll get used to it. It was only my first time, so I guess I'm not really 'open' yet. It's gonna be so wicked when I learn how to take it and then I can let him fuck me right without it hurting so much. And then we'll really be...'together', you know? Wow....

"Look, I'll see what I can do. Let me call you back later tonight. Ok? I've just gotta find time so we can be alone and have sex some more." He said, and I told him that was cool. He wants to have more sex. He really just....loves my body, and my moans, my whimpers. Oh Gawd, it's so awesome having somebody want me like this. Especially somebody so undeniably cute I told him I'd wait and that I hope we can be together again soon, then I gave him a kiss and he hung up. Sigh...I hope I get a chance to go over there tomorrow at least. I'm getting hard just thinking about it

My mind just went back to thinking about Brandon and Bobby Jinette last night, and what kind of hanky panky they might have gotten up to if they got a chance reveal how they felt about each other. Arrrgh! Look at what I'm writing here! 'How they feel about each other'? I make it sound like they're destined lovers brought together to the same hot tub on a romantic getaway. There wasn't some hidden relationship here. Just one boy afraid to come out of the closet, and one unsuspecting victim of a teenage crush. That's all, right? Nothing more.

Still...it sorta turned me on to think of Brandon and Bobby making out or something. Honestly, it aroused me something awful to think of them touching and experimenting with each other's bodies for the first time ever. Bobby having his every wish come true by kissing him, and Brandon....so shy and quiet, just kinda letting it happen because it felt so good. I think that's SO hot for some reason. Then again, everything is making me hot today. I hate to write this here, but I kinda jacked off to the idea of watching them have sex through a bedroom window. Does that make me like a peeping tom or something? There's gotta be some kinda weird psychological defect going on here. Anyway, I felt kinda jealous of them afterwards. Like, kinda...angry...you know? Me...jealous of a jack off fantasy. How stupid is that? But this is a confusing situation anyway. So it's hard to pinpoint the emotion.

Anyway, it's been a weird day, and I'm kinda lost on what to say. I feel like I'm kinda 'stuck between lives' or something. Like something big is getting ready to change, but I don't know what it is or when it'll happen. It's driving me nuts. But while everything hangs in the balance, I'm just gonna try to keep myself from doing anything stupid to screw everything up. Starting with finishing my History paper before tomorrow so I don't end up getting in trouble for it. So I'm gonna go, and I guess I'll write more later. Adios.

-Billy

- Joanna tried calling me twice today, but I didn't answer the phone. Not once I saw that it was her on the Caller ID. What could she possibly have to tell me that would do any good as far as being betrayed is concerned? That she's sorry? That she's gonna take it back? Is she gonna say, 'Don't worry Billy...one day your prince will come'? To hell with that. Let her think I'm dead. I doubt she deserves much more than that right now.

And my so-called 'best friend', Sam? He didn't even bother to call me at all. Not once. Not a single ring to say he was sorry, or that he felt guilty about doing it at all. How can he just be 'ok' with this? I never would have done this to him. Not for any reason. So...it looks like I got my best bud back into my life and acting normal again just in time to get him to steal my girlfriend away from me. Wonderful.

So...plain and simple...Fuck them both. Fuck him, fuck her, let them be 'blissfully' happy together for the rest of their fucking lives. They can kiss and roll around until they fall of the face of the planet. I'm officially wiping my hands of the whole thing. I have to admit that sometimes it's hard to pretend that this doesn't really hurt deep down inside, but what else can I do? It's out of my hands now. Tongue kissing behind my back makes them happy...it's not like they're gonna listen to me if I tell them to stop. Sam hasn't even ever HAD a girlfriend before now. So what can I say to make him wanna stop kissing Joanna? Nothing. So....whatever. Since they wanted to be together so badly that they'd be willing to stab me in the stomach to do it, then so be it. I just hope they don't expect me to give them my blessing for it, because that just can't happen

Before I get myself all wild and upset and wrapped around THAT little bit of sludge in my life at the moment, I should mention that I saw Jamie Cross riding his bike today by the bus station in town. Even with all that's going on in my life, the very sight of him still has the ability to stop my heart almost instantly. However, I'm starting to notice a difference in the way I feel about him these days. More...dare I say it...'mature'. It's not so much this wiggly feeling in my stomach that makes me giggle and blush and squirm in my seat while my body tries to figure out what the hell to do with the confusion running through it. Now I picture what it would be like to kiss him, or see him naked, or do some of the awesome things that AJ and I do together. Now he seems more...approachable to me, you know? I have no idea why that is. Especially since he's been letting his hair grow a little bit longer these days, making him even more gorgeous than he was before. But I see possibilities in him now that I could never see back when I was using all of my concentration to keep from letting my tongue dangle to the floor in front of him. Now that I've sorta explored the realm of sex and know what it feels like...all I can think about is how it would be different doing it with him instead. How Jamie would move on top of me, or how he would feel wrapping his naked body around mine, or how he would taste on the wet surface of my tongue. Suddenly, just standing there in a goofy haze, watching the sparkle of his ice blue eyes and the shimmer of his golden hair...they're not enough anymore. Now I find myself staring DIRECTLY at his crotch without any shame at all. Or focusing on the shape of his cute round ass as he rides by me on his bike. I look at his abs, and his neck, and every sensual inch of him...practically licking the roof of my mouth and pretending that it's the soft surface of his smooth skin. GOD, I want him!!! Not in a 'kiddy-love' goo goo ga ga kinda way like before. Noooo...I want hot dirty sex! LOTS of it! He's more than lickable. He's my greatest fantasy. EVER!

Well...THIS portion of my entry certainly turned into a pornographic moment, didn't it? Geez! Anyway, the POINT of all this was...I saw Jamie, loved looking at him, and he didn't even notice me. As usual. Nothing new there. But it did brighten my day a bit.

I called Jimmy LaPlane today, and we talked for a bit. He sounds like he's getting a little bit better each day, and it doesn't sound like he's going to throw himself into traffic as much anymore. In fact, he sounded rather 'happy' the entire conversation. However, while something like that SHOULD be setting me at ease, it doesn't. There were a few times when his laughing made me...well...uncomfortable. Especially once he told me that he'd be getting out of the hospital soon. I guess he's been talking to counselors and doctors and all, and he's almost ready to come home. I'm not exactly sure how to take that. After all, it was his smile and sudden change in his usual melancholy behavior that masked his deadly intentions from me the last time. I mean...what if this is just a step towards him doing this again? Is he happy because he feels better and he's going home? Or is he happy because now he'll have access to the tools that he needs to do it right this time? Through all of his giggles and witty banter...that thought kept crossing my mind. And it made me realize just how helpless I'd be in this whole situation. It's just a weird feeling, you know? I hate to say it, but I almost wish that he'd stay in that hospital permanently. At least then I'd know he was safe.

I shouldn't be pulling away from him though. I suppose I should be there more than ever. It's just....it's hard to do, you know?

This has got me feeling weird. I think I'm gonna put on some music and clear my mind for a while. I'll write more tomorrow. Besides, I've still got that History paper to finish. I wish I hadn't saved it until the last minute, but I haven't been in the mood to really get into much of anything lately.

Shit...there's the phone. It's Joanna...again. Whatever. I'm GLAD she's worried. I hope she's suffering over this. Serves her right. Later.

-Billy

- Things were a bit of a scary day today. Or should I say 'tonight'. My dad keeps moving more stuff out of the house, which I hate. And tonight he made two trips. It's getting to the point where I'm starting to see pieces of his 'essence' missing from the house. Things that I used to always run my eyes across in the living room, all gone. And his shaver is missing out of the bathroom. As more and more stuff disappears into those little bags and boxes of random knick knacks and bundles of clothes, the whole idea of him being gone is beginning to get more and more 'real' to me. It's like a part of my life is slowly being erased. Taken right out of my hands, and displaced elsewhere...put on a shelf that I can't reach anymore. I'm starting to get really nervous about this whole separation thing with my parents, but the more concerned I get about it, the more they tell me it's not that serious. They've become a broken record, now repeating themselves almost word for word when they talk to me about what's happening here. Sometimes, I honestly think they're saying it more for themselves then they are for me. But, 'slowly building terror' aside, I'm kinda willing to play this game as it is. Because, as strange as it sounds, the more he moves out the more normal things get. I think the space they were looking for is starting to work already. So I guess this is all some weird part of a process that I just don't understand yet. But it's working, and I'll get it eventually, I'm sure. I'll just be glad when it's over.

I talked to Brandon today about his weekend with Bobby. You'd be surprised how nervous I was to ask him about it. It didn't seem like there was any way for him to talk about it that would make me feel...'good', you know? If he ended up having an awesome time, I'd lose him. If he had a terrible time and said something like, 'Bobby made a pass at me, the homo!', I'd lose him. Or if Bobby tried to make a move and Brandon was totally into it, and they became a 'couple' or something, I'd lose him. I didn't know what to expect, and was attempting to sorta steer the conversation in that direction slowly and inconspicuously. But that didn't quite work. Bad feelings aside, I was so anxious to hear what happened that I basically got to the point where I just came out and said, "Hey Brandon. So how was this weekend with Bobby?" So much for the art of subtlety.

He shrugged his shoulders, and said, "It was alright. I had a good time." And that was it. He didn't go into detail about what happened at ALL. There wasn't even a readable emotion on his face to tell me how he felt about it. I mean....'it was alright'??? 'I had a good time'??? That doesn't tell me ANYTHING!!! Arrrgh! Why is this boy so damn CONFUSING to me? I wanted more. I NEEDED more. But Brandon was extremely 'vague' about everything I asked him. Soooo....does that mean that nothing happened, and he doesn't care either way? Or should I take that to mean that something definitely DID happen, and he's trying to hide it from me? They made out or something, didn't they? I BET you they did! I bet you they were kissing and touching each other...and now he doesn't wanna tell me because he thinks I'll be upset. They're keeping it all a big dumb secret! DAMMIT!!! I knew it! I should have been there! I should have gone along and tried to keep Bobby's hands off of my pretty boy. I should have BEEN there!

Fuck...everything in my life just SUCKS right now!

Last, but not least, I saw Sam in the hallway before lunch. At first he looked like he wanted to avoid me altogether, but made the mistake of walking past me anyway. He said 'hi' to me, and told me he really wanted to talk. But we already HAD our 'talk', and I don't have anything else to say to that traitor. I'm done. He has NO idea how much what he did hurt me! I was walking by without saying a word to him, and he's all like, "C'mon, Billy! Don't be like that!" What the hell is he TALKING about??? 'Don't BE like that'??? Fuck you! This isn't going to just magically go away. We have nothing to talk about, and I told him that. He touched me, and I pushed him off of me and kept walking. That was that. Son of a bitch...to hell with him. I'm FAR from being 'all better' after what he did.

So...yeah, another 'wonderful' day in the life of Billy Chase. Sighhh...whatever. I'm tired. I've got a test to study for tomorrow, but forget it. I'll just wing it when I get there. I don't wanna think about anything right now.

Later.

-Billy