- Call AJ? Today? Me? Nope! Didn't happen.

I don't know what it was exactly, but my mom was in the strangest damn mood today. Not a BAD mood, mind you...just strange. I guess she was really planning to pull the old 'quality time' card this morning, and I was kinda shackled along for the ride. I didn't mind spending time with my mom...it was actually a good time, and I'm glad that I did it. But I can easily tell when I've been subliminally 'kidnapped'.

Maybe it was just one of those days that she needed a friend, you know? And after seeing her looking so down yesterday, I was happy to be considered a 'buddy' for a little while. Or at least somewhat of a shoulder to lean on for a bit of stability. Of course...I didn't let HER know that! Hehehe, she might make a habit out of it or something, and I'd never be able to avoid the old mama's boy moniker again. But it felt good though. We went into all of the shops at the mall together, and then she bought me lunch at a nearby restaurant (Mental note: there is boy who works there at the hostess stand who is REALLY cute! Keep that in mind for when we go cruising for 'eye candy' next!), and she even bought me a new pair of sneakers on a whim. Then we came home, watched some TV together, and then she rented two horror videos and we watched them back to back. It was just one of those days when everything went right, and she hardly seemed like a 'mom' at all. It doesn't happen that often anymore. It's like...I've got my own shit to deal with, and she's got hers, and if we connect...it's usually just in short random bursts of inspiration, consisting of some mindless small talk at the dinner table, a ruffle of my hair, and an occasional joke followed by a sweet request for me to do the dishes. That was the extent of our relationship most times these days. But today was different. Today was better.

Anyway, in other news...

After his somewhat brief, but majorly important appearance at last night's party, Brandon has nested comfortably in the center of my heart again. And he refuses to leave, not even for a few minutes while I try to get my common sense to work right again. I've been thinking about him nonstop today. And it's driving me insane. It makes me nearly faint to think about just kissing him on the lips, or touching his waist, or...or...just being close enough to fully appreciate the glow of his enchanting eyes. I'm SO serious! It's like having a vice applying pressure to both sides of your chest, and suddenly, your knees get weak, and your legs are swept right from under you. There were a few times today, while I was in the mall with my mom, when it felt like I would just DIE if I didn't suddenly run to a pay phone and call Brandon just to talk to him. JUST to hear his voice for a few minutes. Times when I wanted him soooo badly that it was literally hard to breathe. I don't think I've ever felt that for ANYBODY before. Not AJ, not Simon, not Sam...not even Jamie Cross! I really can't understand why he holds such a high priority in my personal fantasies of the perfect boyfriend. I mean, it's more confusing than 'pleasurable'....and I thought attraction was supposed to feel awesome. THIS isn't awesome! This almost HURTS. This feels more like....I dunno....a painful loss of control over every thought and function that I've spent the last 14 years of my life trying to gain control of. And I don't even know what he's doing to make me so crazy about him other than...you know...being there. Being elsewhere. Being ANYWHERE!

Sighhhh....whatever. It's hard to explain. I'm just trying to figure out if this feels good in a bad way...or if it feels bad in a good way. Solving THAT particular problem might make this a bit easier to understand on my end.

I actually thought about calling Brandon the second we got home....straight out...and asking him if maybe....if maybe he and I....well....you 'know'. I just wanna....(-whine-)....I wanna KNOW him. You know? I mean, I already KNOW him...but I wanna be closer to him somehow. I want him to think about me the way I think about him, and stare off into space with a cute little smile on his thin pink lips. I just want him to need me, so that this feeling in my gut can have some sort of 'mirror reflection' in his heart...so it won't feel so damn empty when his eyes meet mine. I never knew how 'incomplete' I was until he showed up..and for some reason I feel like I HAVE to tell him so. But, somewhere between picking up the phone receiver and dialing his number, I stopped..every time. And I got REALLY scared of him possibly being....'bothered' by me. I know, I know, it's stupid! But it's true. I can't understand why he does this to me all the time. On and off, on and off...I'm on SUCH an emotional roller coaster where Brandon is concerned. Any thought of him has strangely adverse effects on me on any given day. I never know what to expect when it comes to him, but instead of turning me OFF...I think I kinda 'like' it. In some weird way, I love him with all my heart. But it feels like I'm 'saving' him for later or something. There's something about him that threatens the stability of everything that I know and feel is normal. Like...it would actually be TOO awesome to be in love with him and have him love me back. Like...I just wouldn't be able to handle it, or something. It would just hurt worse than anything that I was use to, being with him. Something tells me that if I were to ever let myself take that plunge...there'd be no coming back to a normal existence ever again. Weird, huh?

Lee. Sighhh...another event in my day today. Well, he wrote again tonight when he saw me online. And to be honest, I felt really bad about the things that I said to him the other night. Especially after seeing him at the party. I still think that I had every right to be mad at him, but it was never my intention to really hurt his feelings or reject his friendship Not really. I was just....hurt, you know? I'm glad that he had the guts to write me first, because I was kind of ashamed. So when he asked if I was 'really' gonna stop talking to him from now on...I kinda answered back. My stubborn rage only goes so far, after all. I told him that I was totally sorry for what I said and that I didn't mean to take it out on him the way that I did. He replied back right away, saying that he was "Sooooo sorry!" and let me know that it sucked seeing me at the party last night and not being able to say hello. I didn't honestly think he 'valued' me all that much. I almost had a little blush going when he said that. Seriously, I think God should make it a rule that really cute guys should not be allowed to say sweet and compassionate things to closeted gay boys unless they're ready to give up some ass to them at some point. Because that REALLY made me wish he wasn't so adorably heterosexual at that moment.

He asked me if I was still mad at him, and I was like, "No. I'm not mad. Just...why didn't you tell me, dude?"

And he said, "Honestly, Billy...it wasn't for me to tell. I thought I would make things even worse if I said something behind their backs. I was hoping it would all just kinda go away in a week or two, and then you and Joanna would be ok again." Then he says, "I'm really sorry, Billy. I should have said something when I saw what was happening. It's just...you're my friend, but so is Joanna, you know? I didn't want to play sides between you two. So I just thought that I could do best by just staying out of it." Which...I guess I understood. Lee then sent a message saying, "She really did like you, Billy. She just said that you never had any time for her. That's all."

I answered, "What??? I had PLENTY of time for her!"

But Lee was like, "That's not what 'she' said. She said she wanted to talk to you all the time but you were always gone somewhere or busy with other stuff."

"Well, my whole LIFE can't revolve around her! Can it?" I told him I mean, I was kinda insulted, you know?

Still...Lee had a point, I guess. "I know you were busy with other stuff dude, and that's cool. But Sam is, like...ALWAYS there. He's always hanging out, and holding her hand, and he calls her almost every night on the phone. He always came to the mall with us on Saturday, and you were always somewhere else. So...I guess, after a while, they just got close, and she wanted to be with him instead. That's pretty much how it happened." So wait....is Lee saying that this was all *MY* fault?!?!?! I mean...cause it's NOT! Right? I mean....I didn't drive her away by not paying her enough attention.....did I? "To be honest...just between you and me, I think you were better for her, dude." Lee told me after a long silence from my end of the conversation. He said, "Sam kinda ignores the rest of us. I think he wants her to ignore us too, so he can have her all to himself. Hehehe! But don't worry...they'll get tired of kissing and cuddling after a while."

I shouldn't have asked...but I was too curious to NOT ask. So I sent Lee a message saying, "Do you think they 'did it' yet?" It took me a few seconds before hitting the send button, but I did it. And spent an extremely nervous few seconds waiting for Lee's reply. The whole time, I was whispering to myself with my fingers crossed and my eyes closed. 'Please say no! Please say no! Please say no!' I was wishing for it so hard that it felt like God could hear me whispering my prayers directly into His ear.

That's when Lee finally wrote back to say....

"Um...I dunno. I don't think so. At least not yet. I don't even think she's thought about it that much. But she wouldn't tell me until later if she had." I don't know why, but that sounded like a REALLY good answer to me! I'd rather take a half hearted 'no' than a definite 'yes' any day! And that was all that I needed to hear.

So, I just stopped chatting to Lee about 20 minutes ago, and I'm going to bed. But ultimately, I'd say that today was a pretty decent day. Not much happened to really make it seem like it, but my soul feels a little more enriched for the experience. Weird, huh? Anyway, I've gotta run. Take care!

-Billy

- You know, it didn't really bother me until I woke up this morning. It was like this annoying little 'bent corner' in my mind that I became aware of just seconds before opening my eyes for the first time of the day. 'I wasn't there'...that's what Lee said yesterday about me and Joanna. That was the excuse for all of this nearly unbearable pain and the loss of two extremely important people in my life. I wasn't there. Something about that realization just...I dunno....it 'ached' inside of me. It's hard, having a dull cramp in your stomach...suddenly recognizing the fact that all of the blame for your misery lands on your own shoulders. And at that moment, staring up at the ceiling from my bed, I wish I had done better by her when I had the chance.

I didn't know what I was doing. I NEVER know what I'm doing. All I know is that I suck at it, and Sam is a much better person than I am when it comes to this 'relationship' stuff. I guess he knows how to be...'available' to someone else besides himself, or whatever. But...I would have TRIED if she said something, you know??? I mean...I might have done things differently if I knew that I was being such an unbelievable BASTARD to her. I might have....well...maybe I could've...

Awww....who am I kidding? What was I gonna do? Suddenly stop hanging out with Sam at the Hill? Completely stop talking to Brandon? Give up my afternoons and late night visits with AJ? Turn my back on Jimmy in his time of need? Not visit my dad while he moved into his new apartment? Exactly how was I going to toss aside the life that I had, friends that I cared about, and worries that were bothering me, just to suddenly be with just ONE person whenever she needed me? Maybe that's the trick. Maybe that's what makes relationships hard. You can't be 'you' anymore...they can't be 'them' anymore...and yet you have to somehow find a way to be compatible with this totally new entity that you two create together. But how can somebody love you when you can't be the person they fell in love with in the first place any more? Maybe that's what happened to my mom and dad. Maybe that's what happens to a lot of people. I don't know...I'm starting to think that I just wasn't cut out to be really close to anybody in particular. When it comes to actually managing a friendship or relationship, I'm terminally stupid. I just wish....I wish she didn't totally hate me for not knowing how to figure all of that out when I was with her. I wish I had it figured out even NOW...and could guarantee that I wouldn't be so selfish the next time. I suppose I have a lot to learn....sighhhh....and it's all going to be learned the hard way, from the looks of it.

I don't even know why I'm so bothered by this. I mean, I'm GAY, right??? I wasn't even looking for a stupid girlfriend anyways. But I DID care about her. A LOT! It's not like I purposely tried to ignore her or make her feel bad. I don't know....maybe Sam is better for her. Maybe he's better than me at actually being what somebody else needs to be happy. Maybe everybody is better at it than me. And maybe AJ not calling me back for so long is God's way of showing me how it feels to not have that attention from the person you want, need, and love. Geez, a life lesson taught through divine 'revenge'...that's a depressing thought.

Anyway, I saw Jamie Cross in the halls today at school. His hair is growing back to that perfect length again. Not too short, not too long. It's so cute when he's got it just the right length. So, anyway, I see him...and of COURSE I'm all jittery and shaky inside, because I'm getting ready to talk to the most incredible, molten lava hot, blond boy in the whole damn school! He's close enough to say something, and I fucking freeze up! Arrrrgh! I kinda whispered 'hi' to him as he walked past me, but I don't think he heard me at all. I am SO not used to having the courage to make eye contact and actually talk to this cutie in a friendly manner. I'm sorta just used to silently groveling at his feet and hoping that he doesn't catch me making a total pervert out of myself. So...all in all...my shot at talking to Jamie today was an exercise in futility. But it's better than I was doing a week ago. So I guess I can consider this a tiny baby step's worth of 'progress'.

I only saw Brandon for a few moments today, because he had to run to study hall for lunch and then finish making copies of stuff in the library for his History presentation. So I didn't really get to talk to him too much about the party this past weekend. But let me tell you, I really was starting to get that feeling again inside in the few moments that I spent looking at his eyes. Sometimes his eyes can seem SO big and shiny, you know? They're intimidating. Anyway, so we're talking, and his voice sounds all cute and stuff....and then he does something really cute, like shrug his shoulders or roll his eyes or something...and I literally start squirming inside. It wasn't anything big or flirtatious or anything...he just....has this really shy and cuddly nature about him sometimes, and if you're paying attention to it, it's...like....the sexiest thing imaginable. You know? I had to sit down to keep my BONER from showing, for goodness sakes. And he left shortly after. That boy confuses me more than anybody else on the planet. I wish he would stop. His presence in my life has gotta be doing some kind of irreparable damage to my hormones at this point.

That's it for now. I'll write more later. Seeya!

-Billy

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