- Ok, I'm officially confused about everything that life is or ever was. But...it kinda feels good, you know? Trying to figure everything out all the time gets tiring. It's like constantly swimming upstream with bricks tied to your ankles. Every now and then, it's relaxing to just stop flailing around hopelessly and just let the current take you wherever it wants you to go. It's nice to think for a short time that life just has this, like....'plan' for you, or something. And you can trust it to guide you in all the right directions if you just kinda let it happen.

Yeah, I know, I'm being weird. Whatever. It feels good to be weird today.

So...I'm going to school this morning, and of course, I'm totally blinded by how I feel because I think that Brandon is the only major task of the day, you know? But, I kinda forget that I've basically been praised for punching Kyle in the mouth last Thursday, and...um...that he might not be too happy about that. Not to mention that his friends are probably gonna assist him in kicking the living shit out of me as soon as they find the opportunity. Probably in some quiet area of school where no one will find me bleeding until hours later. I was kind of expecting it So when Kyle approached me in the hallway before second period, I kinda froze and put my defenses up. I thought I might have to hit him again just to get a running start. And then....the strangest fucking thing happened! He...apologized!!!!

Seriously! He came up to me in the hall and said, "Look, Billy...I'm sorry about that stuff I said in gym. K? I didn't know it bothered you so much." And he reached out his hand for me to shake on it. WHAT?!?! That REALLY didn't make any sense to me whatsoever! I had to look over my shoulder first to make sure some giant bruiser wasn't creeping up behind me to shove me into a locker with a package of lit firecrackers or something. But.....nothing. He just...let it go. I mean...his lip was still split from a few days ago, and he was saying he was sorry? To ME? Okaaaay...so yeah, I guess I got away with it. I wonder if that absolves me of the whole 'Billy might be gay' thing? Maybe it does. I don't know any gay kids that would punch another guy in the mouth. Then again...except for AJ, I don't know any gay kids at all.

Also, I saw Bobby Jinette in the halls before gym today. He knows exactly where to wait for me. Which means that I'm gonna have to find another route to gym class if I'm ever gonna avoid these 'chance' encounters between us. So, like, he's waiting for me, right? And he smiles and says hello and starts walking beside me. I'm trying not to look too frustrated, because I don't really wanna be rude or hurt his feelings or anything. But I DO kinda want him to go away, you know? But as we're walking, I'm kinda looking at him and how he walks, and listening to his voice. And this weird sensation just covers me in this strangely 'disconnected' infatuation. Like, some physical attraction that goes beyond just wanting his hot body. But I don't WANT that! And yet...it's 'there' for some dumb reason. I can't explain it. It's kinda like not being hungry at all...but somebody offer you something that just looks and smells good...and you just...taste it for the hell of it. You know? Do you? Arrrgh! Whatever! I'm so fucked up. And the whole time I'm thinking about his amazing ass, and how soft it was, and the whole fingering him thing...and it was impossible to stop. I don't even know what the hell he was even talking to me about. It could have been about the clouds, or school, or a demon that lives in his closet, for all I know. I was just...drawn to him. And I thought about grabbing his ass really hard while he was on top of me. Like...kissing me, and humping me softly...and my hands were just full of this awesome squeezable bubble of smooth creamy flesh. I was starting to get hard, and I had to just STOP him from talking so I wouldn't end up having to undress in the boys locker room with a full hardon or anything. Besides, I was almost ready to drop to my knees behind him and grab Bobby around the waist just so I could push my face in that hot tight ass so deep that I couldn't BREATHE anymore!

I'm pretty sure that he'd find that kinda weird...so....

ANYWAY...the AWESOME news is that I got to talk to Brandon today! And I mean...really talk to him, you know? I don't know what had changed so drastically between the last few days and today, but it was a huge improvement! At first, I was gonna make him wait a bit to tell him that I was thinking about him. Like...I had it in my mind that I'd tease him a little bit and it would come off all flirtatious and stuff. But...the moment I saw him, the second I looked at his beautifully bright hazel eyes...I melted. I mean, they're HUGE when you look at them up close, you know? They look almost too big, but it gives him this kind of exotic beauty that you can't get from anybody else. I dunno...maybe I'm just crazy. Still, he smiled at me, and his eyes were just shining so sweetly, that I couldn't help it. I spilled the beans right away and said, "I was totally thinking about you last night." And I know I blushed. I had to have blushed. It was embarrassing because I was so helpless to stop it. But it lifted my spirits to see him blushing too.

Now THIS feeling, I enjoyed! Sometimes I craved AJ's sex, or fantasized about Bobby's ass (DAMN, he's got a mouthwatering ass!!!! I really can't put into words how hot it is!)...but those emotions seemed more frustrating than anything else. Thinking about Brandon? Sighhhh...I just...I enjoy that. I enjoy every blissful second of it. Of course, there are times when he perplexes me and won't do what I need him to do to make anything of it! And THAT part frustrates the FUCK out of me!!! But you know what? I even enjoy that part of it a little bit. It's like...whether I'm in love with him, confused by him, angered by him, or depressed over him...he stays on my mind and in my heart. All the time. And I love having him there. I really do.

You know...I don't think I really wanted to dive into any emotions head first, especially concerning Brandon. But..the truth is, I think I'm in love with him. I now, there were times before where I kinda darted around the issue or maybe wrote the words down in this book. But just thinking about those few moments at lunch when he smiled and said, "It's so weird to hear you say that. But I'm glad. I like it." Just THINKING about it, and the smirk on his lips, and the perfect position of his hair, and those pretty boy eyelashes, and the cute way he was turning his apple around on his tray when he said it....it made me realize just how bad I had it for him. How truly in love I am. And that....kinda scares me.

You know what moms tell you about putting all of your eggs in one basket? Well, that's exactly what I was doing. I mean, Brandon had even surpassed Jamie Cross in the whole 'GOD I want him!' department, and that, up until today, was an undeniably impossible feat. So yeah...I think I'm in trouble. Real trouble. I just hope I'm not making a huge mistake here

Anyway, I've gotta go. But I wanna add that I still haven't heard from my dad again since Saturday. I have to admit, that's kinda scary too. It's kinda like that scary silence you sit through during a horror movie while the last survivor of the movie is searching the dark house for the killer...knowing that he could jump out at any minute. And that it's gonna be 'bad' when he does. So that's kept me uneasy at home for a while. But I'm sure that it won't be too bad. At least...I don't think it will be. Whatever.

Gotta go. So, I'll see ya later!

-Billy

- I'm not really sure how to feel about what happened today, even though it should be easy to figure out. Ok...so I 'hate' Sam, right? I mean, that's obvious. We're just not friends anymore. It's as simple as that. So..why does it bother me so much that he was in a fight today?

Evidently it was a bad one too, and he ended up having to go to the nurses office for ice and 'clean up' from it. I heard that he got pounded pretty good, despite a valiant effort to fight back. I can't imagine anybody jumping on my best friend like that. I just can't. Or...I mean my EX-best friend! But still...it stings. I can't get rid of the feeling. I keep imagining him getting beaten down into the dirt, and me not being there to...I dunno....help, or something. I mean, Sam and I have been in fights before, him more than me. But even when we were little, we always fought together. Side by side like fucking Batman and Robin. And if one of us got beat up, then we both got beat up. That was the rule. I remember one time, when we were like 7 years old, my older cousin Barry was picking on us, and he pinned me down in the park and he was making me eat dirt. He was SO mean! But even though he was bigger than the both of us put together, Sam totally jumped on him for me! And we both started swinging sticks at him and Sam hit him in the jaw with this rock and he had to run home just to get away from us! In fact...it was at the Hill. Yeah, I remember....the Hill. That's when we made it our private spot away from the world. Just the two of us. It was like...it had magical powers for us, that kept us strong. Kept us together. Sighhh....yeah....we were gonna be friends forever, weren't we? Ah well...

I thought abut calling to see if he was alright, but I really shouldn't. Whatever he did to get that beat down, I'm sure it was what he deserved. So, to hell with him. I just wish I could shake this stupid feeling that makes me wish.....I just wish....

...I had been there.

Whatever.

OOOH! I got to see Brandon twice today! Once at lunch, and once in the library. He kinda surprised me in the library, and I forgot all about that last minute homework that I was trying to squeeze in before 7th period English. I was trying to rush through it and get it done...and I would have made it too. But..sighhh...Brandon is such an emotional distraction. It's like...the more time I spend with him, the more I realize how much I really love him. The more I realize that I love him, the more time I want to spend with him. And that makes the love even worse. He fascinates me on a level that just...blows me away. He had the cutest little sneeze today in the library. I mean, everybody has their own particular sneeze, but his was particularly cute. I just...it made me giggle to hear it. It was quiet, but strong, and wasn't followed up with any loud sniffles or anything. And his hair jerked forward a little bit. It was just so CUTE! Ok, I'm talking about a boy's sneeze now. I need therapy.

Anyway, just when I couldn't stand the giggles and the sweet feeling of his presence, I asked him if he wanted to come over to my house after school. Just to hang out. I swear, I had no plan. No ulterior motive whatsoever. I was just watching the clock, and noticed that our time together was almost up...and I didn't want it to end. Is that nuts, or what? He smiled so sweetly and said, "Um...sure. I can come over. But not today. K?"

And I asked him, "Why not? Come on...come over." I think I was, like, smiling, and whining, and begging all at the same time. But he got all shy on me and told me that he had projects all do on Monday, and one was with a partner, so he was gonna be busy the rest of the week. But he DID say that he'd come over on Saturday if I could have company! It just so happens that I'm free on Saturday. And if I wasn't...I'd destroy all of time and space just to make it happen. So awesome! He's coming over again! I can't wait!

Of course...I had forgotten that I was basically still on punishment for my run in with Kyle in the boys locker room. And while my mom was being rather lenient with the terms of me being grounded...I didn't wanna push it. The last thing I needed to do was get her to think that I was taking her kindness for a weakness. I've gotten away with enough as it is.

Still...she's my mom. It'll be ok, right? I mean...maybe I just won't mention it. If Brandon shows up at the door and wants to come in, what is she gonna do. Tell him to go home?

Shit...wait..what if she tells him to go home??? Oh man! I might have to strategize this out a little better. I'll be TOTALLY humiliated if she turns Brandon around and tells him he can't come in because I'm on 'punishment'. Arrrgh! I'll think of something. I will!

Anyway, I'm grabbing a snack and going to bed. So g'night. And expect something juicy on Saturday! Woo hoo! I've gotta clean my room up a bit so me and Brandon have a lot of room for French kissing and rolling around! Hehehe! Later!

-Billy