- I...I almost messed myself up today. Luckily I was too chickenshit to try anything. Otherwise I might be writing this from a much more miserable state of mind.

I hadn't really made any plans today. It was one of those mornings where you wake up and don't even wanna get dressed, much less go anywhere. But Lee called me on the phone this afternoon wanting to talk. Now, Lee loves to chit chat every now and then, but having him call me out of the blue was rare. He usually just sends me an email or an IM or something. But today he dialed the numbers and actually called my house. He sounded pretty serious. Which...sighhhh...was even more cute than hearing him talk with a smile. Why is EVERYTHING that boy does so damn sexy??? Anyway, he wanted to talk to me...which was odd, because he was already talking to me. But he actually wanted me to come over to his house and talk to him. I've never been to Lee's house in my life! The idea of it was kinda....scary, you know? I think I said 'yes' without even thinking about it. A totally automatic, hormone driven response, I suppose. So he gave me directions and told me to come to the back door.

I think I must have just sat there on my bed staring at the carpet for like five minutes straight before I found the brain capacity to move. I mean, I had NO idea where this next chain reaction of events was going, and I was trying hard to not get my hopes up in any possible way. But I have to admit, all I could think about was Lee and Jimmy being naked in Jimmy's bedroom....all twisted around each other, arms and legs and licks and kisses. Soft moans and whispers, touches and rubs, long and hard...God, I was so stiff that I couldn't have stood up straight if I wanted to. I was thinking about it all, and I wondered, did he say 'yes' to being Jimmy's boyfriend? Did he say no? Why does he want me to come over? Is he gonna confess to me that he's gay? Or that he's not gay? Or that he's Jimmy's boyfriend? Or that he wants....me? Wow...I think I got a shiver with that last one. Oh man, that would be awesome wouldn't it?

To be honest, it frightened me to think that Lee and I would even attempt something like that. No...he's too cute. WAY too cute. I don't think I could handle him wanting to kiss me or anything else. How could I possibly stay conscious with that gorgeous boy taking off his clothes in front of me. How could I possibly expect sex with Lee to last any longer than a couple of hot seconds? And that's if I came TWICE! There's no way I could be with him in public and have to hide a 24 hour boner. It's just not possible.

And why am I even thinking about this now?

So...I get all showered and prettied up....um....just in case. Not that I was gonna DO anything. Just....just in CASE he wanted to do something. Then...you know...I'd let him. But I wouldn't, like...START it or anything. I swear.

I go over to his house, and he comes to the door looking good and smelling good and....arrrgh, that boy is just TOO fucking hot to be real! I try to sit down as soon as possible because I can already feel my stomach fluttering and my erection getting hard. And he sits right next to me on the couch. I never really noticed it, but Lee is, like, so unafraid of bodily contact. He's so affectionate. He looks you directly in the eye without flinching when he talks, and he smiles a lot. He's got a killer smile, you know? And his gestures can be so cartoonish sometimes, but he doesn't mind touching your arm or your leg, and leaning over to butt you with his shoulder or anything. To a lot of people, I'm sure it just comes off as being playfully sweet. But to anyone who has even a hint of a sexual attraction to him....it's like full blown LOVE to the point of obsession. It causes your whole body chemistry to bubble and boil out of control, and you find yourself fighting the insatiable urge to jump his bones and kiss him as hard as you possibly can without hurting yourself. I can see why Jimmy couldn't help himself around him.

So we were there for about twenty minutes when I asked him what was going on. I mean, he did invite me over for more than just chit chat, I'm sure And he got really serious. He said, "Billy...if I told you something, do you PROMISE to keep it a secret! I mean you can't tell ANYBODY about this!" Omigod....here it is. Ok, Billy...breathe. Just...BREATHE!

"Um...yeah." I said quietly. "I promise."

"Billy, I'm serious, ok? You can't mention this to anybody at all. I mean it." He said, and I promised again. So then he sighed and he told me, "Well...you know how me and Jimmy have been hanging out on Fridays and stuff? And we've been alone in his house all the time, so..." Omigod, I couldn't believe he was telling me this! I was so hard that I literally thought that I was gonna squirt any second. Something about hearing this story from Lee's own pretty lips was so much hotter than hearing it from Jimmy. So I folded my arms across my lap and leaned forward to hide my excitement a bit. "...Well, Jimmy and I were just being friendly and stuff. I like Jimmy. I mean...I like him a lot. He's a really sweet person to be around." Shit...ok, so maybe I DIDN'T wanna hear this. "But...I mean...we were just friends. You know?" Oh wait...ok, maybe I DO wanna hear this! "Well...I knew that Jimmy was gay and all. And that never bothered me. I'm all for it. You know, free expression and just...not being afraid to be who you are and all..." Ok, now I was lost. I didn't know what I wanted to hear, but I could stare into Lee's eyes until I figured it out. "...But, I think I might have....given Jimmy the wrong idea."

There was a long pause, and neither of us said anything. So I finally took in a shaky breath and asked him, "What do you mean?"

And he said, "You *PROMISE* you won't tell, Billy?" He looked so worried.

And I'm like, "I PROMISE ALREADY! Just tell me!" I was getting impatient! I wanted to know!

"Well, Jimmy and I....we kinda....did stuff." He said, looking at me sheepishly. "You know.....'gay' stuff." I don't think I've ever seen Lee being shy before. Oh God, I'm gonna have to excuse myself to run the bathroom and jack off if he keeps this up for much longer!

I tried to pretend like I didn't know, even though I was trembling inside "Oh...you did?"

"Yeah. A couple of times actually." I think Lee was trying to see if I'd react badly before going into anymore detail. He seemed to loosen up a little when he didn't see a look of disgust on my face. Man, if only he knew how 'not-disgusted' I really was. So he's like, "It just sorta happened, you know? Like...I've kissed girls before, but that's all. And we were sitting on the couch, and Jimmy kissed me. I didn't want to at first, but it felt cool, you know? It was different. I liked it. So...I just kinda went with it for a while."

Oh man, this was better than any porn I had ever seen before. I'm gonna be reading this entry over and over for a long time to come. I tell him, "It's ok. Go ahead."

"Well, Jimmy was kinda touching me....and that felt really good too. And, like I said, I never did anything before, not really. So when he touched me, I liked it. And we were already kissing anyways, so what the hell? Right? And then he started to....unzip me...." He looked at me again to make sure that I wasn't cringing at any of this. Oh baby, please don't stop now! "...And I kinda let him put his mouth on me down there." Oh wow...'put his mouth on me down there'...could he have been any cuter or more bashful about that? Sweet! "And once he started, I couldn't just....stop. And I figured, ok, if it was just this one time, and nobody ever found out about it, then we'd be ok." At this point, I'm trying not to look at his crotch, as my mouth is literally watering with gay saliva. Then Lee told me, "But when I came over the next week...stuff kinda started up again. I didn't want to, but I didn't wanna hurt Jimmy's feelings either. And....God, Billy....it felt soooo good. My body wouldn't listen to me, and every time Jimmy kissed me it was like...I needed him to finish. So...I mean, was I just using him or what? Am I an asshole for doing that?"

You can use me anytime you WANT, sweetie! "No...it's alright Lee. I'm sure he understood when you told him you weren't interested." And then, Lee got quiet. So I asked, "You did tell him you weren't interested, right?"

And he's like, "Well....things went a bit further than I expected them to And Friday, we kinda........you know." No WAY!!!

I'm like, "You guys DID IT!"

And he's all, "It was just....everything happened so fast, and we were kissing, and that lead to more stuff. And then...right in the middle of it all, he asked me to...you know...put it in him. And he was really almost begging for it, and I was so hard, and I thought...what does it feel like to do it 'all the way'...and we were both right there and things were kinda 'happening' and...I kinda...sorta..did it." Half of me was heartbroken, and the other half was so turned on that I wanted to explode. "I shouldn't have done it, Billy. I know. It just felt so awesome, and it made Jimmy soooo happy. But I thought we were just...like...fooling around."

I asked him, "So what happened?"

And Lee said, "Well...he asked me to be his boyfriend, Billy." Lee looked really sad about it. "It's just...I like Jimmy a lot, dude, but...I'm not gay. I just...I was having fun. I thought he was having fun too. I never meant for things to go this far. I mean...I don't even know what to say to him now."

And I'm like, "Well, what did you tell him last night?"

And he said, "I didn't tell him much of anything. I just...kinda dodged it. I don't know. He kept trying to get me to say it, and when I left he kissed me and said 'I love you' and...I think I'm gonna really hurt him when I tell him that I wanna stop. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was hurt him, Billy. I swear."

So I said, "I think it would hurt more if you let it keep going and he finds out much later. I mean, he knows you're straight. I TOLD him you were straight, as a matter of fact. It might hurt at first, but I think Jimmy likes you a lot as a friend too. I'm sure he'll come around."

And Lee....leaned over and hugged me! He hugged that warm, slim, sexy, body of his against me, and put his chin on my shoulder. Smelling good, and feeling good, and causing me to almost hyperventilate from the contact! He's like, "Thanks for being so cool about this, Billy. I don't think I could have told anybody else." I'm trying to reach my hand around and kinda pat him on the back without having an instant orgasm, but it's not easy. If I turned my head, just a little bit, I could probably nibble on his ear from here. Oh man, Lee was one of those people that held on to a hug, making it a sincerely emotional experience. I was seriously feeling dizzy at the moment.

So, yeah...I spent today lusting over Lee, wondering if maybe I could get a taste of what Jimmy had. It made me wonder...if I got a straight boy, ANY straight boy that I wanted, and just got him to make out with me....then I could get him to do almost anything. Like...if I just started kissing Jamie Cross one day, and got him to get into it, then we could have all types of sex for a couple of weeks before he stopped. And then I could jus go get another one. I swear, this opens up a whole new realm of possibilities. And don't think for a second that I didn't spend half of my time with Lee trying to think of ways to get him to try stuff with me too. It's been so long since I had any real sex with another person! I kept trying to think of cool nonchalant ways of bringing it up, but Lee didn't seem to take any hints. Damn...I'm gonna keep trying though. You never know.

Ok, I have to go. I'll write more later. See ya!

-Billy

Ps- Is it really wrong to be happy that Jimmy and Lee aren't official boyfriends? It should be wrong. It feels great, but it should be wrong. I'm sure of it.