Date: Sun, 24 Oct 1999 22:33:18 EDT
From: Rysh1422@aol.com
Subject: Bleeding Hearts - Chapter 11

Another chapter up and ready. This one came easy for me and I liked it a
lot. I hope you do too. Let me know. Keep a check on the web site.
www.familyshoebox.com/family/bleeding-hearts


Chapter 11

	I stood staring at Asher with my mouth hanging open. He was just
about the last person I expected to see.

	"Mom said you stopped by," he said in the silence.

	"Two days ago," I answered.

	"Look, can we talk?" he asked, "Either inside or out, it doesn't
matter, but I feel dumb standing at the door."

	I thought for a second then called into the house, "I'll be a few
minutes."

	I stepped out onto the porch without waiting for an answer shutting
the door behind me. I stared at him expectantly. He was wearing a green
World Jungle jacket over a sweatshirt and cargo pants. I waited and he
waited. Finally, I couldn't stand the silence any more.

	"So you said you wanted to talk?" I asked.

	"Yeah, look, I'm sorry Killian. I'm sorry I got mad the other day
and I'm sorry I've been avoiding you. Adam explained to me how upset this
whole thing has got you. How when something like that happens it scares
you. Takes away your sense of safety and makes it harder for you to trust
people."

	"He said all that?" I was amazed.

	"Yeah. I guess I should've accepted it then, but I wasn't
ready. I've been thinking about it a lot and I think I'm ready to forgive
you and move on if you want to try."

	"I do want to try," I told him, "but I don't know."

	"What do you mean you don't know?" Asher said with confusion in his
voice.

	"What if every time we have a problem you run off like that? Plus
after you told me all that stuff that Adam said, maybe I shouldn't even be
in a relationship right now. And I'm not ready to come out to the school. I
don't want to end up like Seth."

	I ended on a choked note and suddenly started crying. Why did I
always seem to start bawling whenever Asher was around?

	Asher stood awkwardly for a moment, then moved closer and wrapped
his arms around me. I cried on his shoulder for about a minute before he
started talking.

	"As far as my running goes, I don't know. I'll try my best not to,
but I don't guess I can make any guarantees. It's my personality. I hate
conflict and I'll do whatever I can to avoid it."

	"Like I enjoy it," I sniffled into his arm.

	"No, I know you don't enjoy it, but you don't run from it either
like I do. Look how you stood up to Zack and Jesse and then your dad. But
only you can know whether you are ready for a relationship or not, but I'm
willing to take the risk if you are. And as far as coming out at school, I
have no intentions of doing that whether we are together or not. Whatever
you decide, I'm here for you."

	I nodded against his shoulder and pulled back a little so I could
look into his face. I'd never really noticed his eyes before. They were an
odd color, kind of a greenish-bluish-brown color. I guess it would be
called hazel. They were beautiful.

	"What?" he asked.

	"It's...nothing," I said, "Can I have some time to think about it?
I'll call you tomorrow after school. I promise."

	Asher nodded and stepped back, quickly stepped in close again and
kissed me softly on the lips. And then he was gone.

	I stood alone on the porch for a few minutes before going back
inside. If anyone noticed that I'd been crying they were all too polite to
ask why. After a few more hours of talking Adam announced that it was time
for bed. This caused a bit more discussion about where Kane was going to
sleep. Finally, it was decided that he would share my room. Steve of course
was sleeping with Adam. We all took turns in the bathroom and then we went
into our respective rooms.

	Seth's bed was pretty large so Kane and I decided to share it
instead of one of us having to sleep on the floor. I was a little worried
that he wouldn't want to share a bed with a gay guy, but it didn't seem to
phase him in the least. We stripped down to our t-shirts and boxers and
climbed into bed. I snapped out the light and we settled in, squirming and
wiggling to get comfortable. We said our good nights and then silence fell.

	Just as I was about to drift off, Kane cleared his throat. "Thanks
a lot for calling me, Killian." he said quietly. "I don't even know how to
thank you."

	He sounded a bit choked up and for just the briefest second all I
could think was, "Oh no, not more tears." Then I got a hold of myself and
found my voice.

	"You don't have to thank me, Kane," I told him, "I'm just glad to
see how happy you guys are. This is the closest I've ever felt to what a
real family must be like. That's all the thanks I need."

	"You are so awesome," he said, still sounding a bit weepy. "Why are
you living here?"

	I decided to give him the condensed version, "My dad kicked me out
when he found out I was gay."

	"How did he find out?" Apparently he wasn't satisfied with just an
abridged tale.

	"I went to Seth's memorial service and he was there and he got
really angry and started yelling at me and I just told him."

	"How did you know you were gay?" he asked me.

	I thought for a minute. I guess all the questions were normal. This
whole thing must be so confusing for him. My heart went out to him as I
thought about all he'd been through. Losing his father and not seeing him
for years, then losing his brother - first when he moved away and then in
death. Then finding out that both his father and his brother are gay.

	Finally, I answered slowly, "You just know, really. Seth told me
that he thought I was. He kissed me and I freaked out, but afterwards it
made me think and I realized that I knew I was in my heart. I had just been
blind. Seth said the same thing; that he just knew."

	"I have to tell you something. Please don't be mad at me," he said.

	Could he be gay too? Or maybe he actually hates gays and he's going
to tell me to go sleep on the couch. Or maybe...

	"I went to check on you when you were gone for awhile tonight and
saw that guy kiss you on the front porch. I didn't mean to like spy on you
or anything. I hope you're not mad."

	"No, it's ok," I said quietly and with a little relief.

	"Is he your boyfriend?" Boy, Kane was just full of questions.

	"I don't know. Maybe. His name is Asher. We've been friends since
we were kids. He just told recently that he's had a crush on me for
years. We're still working stuff out. I don't know if we'll end up together
or not."

	He was quiet for a while and I thought he must have gone to sleep
so I started relaxing.

"I hope you find someone that makes you happy, Killian," he said suddenly,
making me jump. "You deserve that. You're the nicest guy I've ever
met. Will you be my big brother now that Seth is gone?"

	And then he was crying, of course. And by now we all know how easy
I cry, it takes a lot less then that to get me started. I rolled over and
wrapped my arms around him and just held him till he was cried out.

	"Thanks," he sniffled. I don't usually act like this, really."

	"Kane, you don't have to apologize to me. You've been through a lot
and I would be more than honored to be your big brother."

	"I wish I lived with Dad," he said wistfully. "Then I could be with
you guys all the time."

	I gave him a final squeeze and then let go and rolled back
over. "We'd better get some sleep now, Kane. I have school in the morning
still."

	"Yeah, you're right. Good night, Killian."

	"Good night, Kane."

* * *

	How I ever got any sleep with that incredibly beautiful boy
sleeping just inches from me I'll never know, but I did. I slept like a
rock. (A strange saying that. Just how do rocks sleep?)

	All I could think about all day at school was what I was going to
tell Asher when I got home. And when I wasn't thinking about that, I was
thinking about Kane. He'd captured my attention in much the same way that
Seth had, and yet they were so different. But why was I even worrying about
Kane? He lived in Baltimore and more importantly...he was straight.

	As soon as school was over I rushed right back to Adam's house, or
what I was starting to think of as home. There was a strange car in the
driveway when I got there.

	When I got inside I found the queen of the fairies sitting on the
couch in the living room. She could only be Seth and Kane's mother. She was
tiny, not just in height but also in weight. She couldn't have been over 5
foot tall and if she weighed 100 lbs I'd be shocked. She had short, spiky
fiery red hair and the same piercing green eyes that both Seth and Kane had
shared. Her skin was as white and translucent as alabaster, in sharp
contrast with her blood red lipstick. All in all, she looked as if she'd be
quite at home with wings sprouting from her back.

	She turned and looked at me with cold eyes and I realized that
while they might be the same color as Seth and Kane's, they held none of
the warmth and compassion that was so evident in her sons'.

	"And who might you be?" she asked me. Her voice was just as brittle
and cold as her gaze.

	"I'm Killian. Are you Mrs. Connelly?"

	"Ms. Douglas. I stopped being Mrs. Connelly years ago."

	"Oh, well, I'll go put this in my room," I said as I backed out of
the room.

	"If you mean the room at the end of the hall, you might as well
have a seat. My dear son Kane has locked himself in and refuses to come
out. Adam has been talking to him for twenty minutes now. I'm getting ready
to go find an axe and hack the damn door down."

	"Oh, um, maybe I can talk to him," I said weakly. I spun around and
ran upstairs. Sure enough, there was Adam sitting on the floor with his
forehead against the door. He looked up when I appeared.

	"Killian," he said, "Maybe you could..." He pointed helplessly at
the door. "He won't open it."

	I tapped lightly on the door.

	"God, why can't you all just leave me alone?" came Kane's anguished
voice through the door.

	"Kane?" I called back, "It's Killian. Can I come in?"

	There was no response for a while so I called again, "Kane?"

	"Ok," he said finally, his voice muffled by the door, "but if I let
you in, only you can come in. Nobody else."

	I looked at Adam and he nodded.

	"Deal," I said.

	I heard the lock turn and the door opened about an inch. I opened
it the rest of the way and stepped into the room, shutting the door again
behind me. Kane had thrown himself across his bed face-first. I went over
and sat down next to him. I didn't say anything at first, but eventually,
after he made no move to speak or even acknowledge my presence, I began to
gently rub his back.

	"Kane?" I said softly, "What's wrong? How come you're locked in
here like this?"

	He mumbled something into the bed, but I couldn't understand
him. It sounded vaguely like "I ate one."

	"What?" I asked.

	He rolled over and looked up at me red swollen eyes and tear
stained face. "I said I hate her," he clarified.

	"Oh," I said stupidly.

	I didn't know what else to say. Thank goodness, Kane didn't need
any prompting. He went on, "She waltzes in here and starts yelling at Dad,
like it was his fault. She was calling him names and saying dumb
stuff. Then she told me to go get in the car. I said no; that I wanted to
talk to her first. She said she didn't care what I wanted, that I'd just
better do what she said because I was in enough trouble already. I got mad
and I yelled at her. I don't even know what all I said. I told her I knew
that she'd been lying to me all these years about how Dad didn't want to
see me. I told her that Seth was dead because of her and I didn't want to
live with her anymore. I said I hated her and I do." He broke down crying
again.

	I felt so helpless. I reached out and smoothed his hair back from
his forehead. He stretched his arms out to me and it felt as if my heart
was being ripped apart. How could a mother hurt her own child like this? I
lay down next to him and he curled into me. I wrapped my arms around him
and let him sob, just like the night before. He had so much pain bottled up
inside him; he just needed to let it out. After a short time he sat up.

	"I have to go with her, don't I?" he stated more than asked.

	"Yeah," I said as I sat up.

	"I'll be back, somehow," he vowed. "Can I call you?"

	"Of course. Any time."

	"Do you have e-mail?"

	"I do at home but I've never even used this one," I said pointing
to the computer on the desk in the corner.

	"Well, if you have AOL like Seth did then you can use this computer
too and we can talk. You just sign on as a guest. What's your screen name?"

	I told him and he wrote it on a notepad he found on the desk and
stuck it in his pocket. He started for the door, but then he paused,
turned, walked back to me and threw his arms around my neck for a big hug.

	"Thank you," he whispered into my ear.

	"Like I said last night, there's nothing to thank me for," I told
him.

	He pulled away and wiped his face, although there was no hiding the
fact that he'd been crying. He threw his shoulders back, lifted his chin
high and yanking open the door marched resolutely down the stairs. I
followed much less impressively behind.

	As soon as she saw Kane, Ms. Douglas started for the door without
saying a word. She stopped in the open doorway and glared at Adam as he
gave Kane a hug. She threw a calculating look at me, then turned on her
heel and stalked off to the car. I had to give it to her, she knew how to
make a dramatic exit.

	"I love you, Dad," Kane said.

	"I love you too, son," Adam said thickly. He sounded on the verge
of tears. There was entirely too much crying going on around here.

	Kane waved at me sadly and followed his mother to the car. Adam and
I stood in the doorway until they were out of sight.

	"Quite a piece of work isn't she?" Adam said as he closed the door.

	"I guess you could say that," I said.

	"What else would you say?"

	"That she's a class-A bitch," I answered.

	"I'll have to give you that one," he chuckled and we went into the
living room where I started my homework and Adam went back to work on the
computer.

	About a half hour later the phone rang and Adam answered it since
it was right next to the computer.

	"Killian, it's for you," he said after speaking to the person on
the phone, "It's Asher."

	Oh crap! In all the excitement I had forgotten that I'd promised to
call Asher and give him my decision as soon as I got home from school. I
jumped up and grabbed the phone, wishing it was a cordless so I could have
a little more privacy.

	"Asher, hi. I'm sorry I forgot to call. There was a lot going
on..." I started as soon as I had the phone.

	"It's ok, Killian," he interrupted me. "Can we talk now?"

	"Yeah, well no...I mean," I took a deep breath, "Can I come pick
you up?"

	"Yeah, that's fine," he said.

	"Ok, I'll be there in a few minutes."

	"Is everything ok?" Adam asked me as I hung up.

	"I'm not sure," I told him honestly.

	"Take a second and tell me what's going on," he invited me, getting
up from the computer desk and sitting on the couch.

	I sat down next to him and let out a sigh.

	"You know Asher likes me, right?" I began.

	"I'd have to be blind to not see that." Funny choice of words.

	"Well, I know you know how I hurt his feelings and he got mad at
me, cuz he told me you talked to him."

	He nodded.

	"He came last night and forgave me and asked me to forgive him for
ignoring me. Then he said that he wants us to be together."

	"And what's the problem?" he asked me.

	"I don't know exactly," I exclaimed, "I mean I know I like
Asher. I've liked him for years. And now I find out that he likes me too. I
should be thrilled. I should be running into his arms. But I
can't. Something is holding me back."

	"Are you still afraid he had something to do with the attacks?"

	"I dunno, maybe. But I don't think its that, cuz in my heart I know
Asher couldn't do something like that."

	"Do you think you are afraid of losing him altogether if the couple
thing doesn't work out?"

	I thought for a minute. "I'm just not sure. I don't know what I'm
afraid of. I just..." I seemed to run out words. I just didn't know how to
explain it.

	"What are you going to tell Asher?"

	"I don't know that either," I sighed, "I guess I'll figure it out
when the time comes."

	Adam ruffled my hair and stood up. "Well, you better get going. You
told Asher you'd be there in a few minutes. I hope you figure out your
heart on the way there."

	As I drove to my old neighborhood, I thought about what Adam had
said. Figure out my heart. That was the problem. I couldn't figure it out;
I didn't trust my own heart. I was so scared of giving it to someone and
having it crushed. I thought about the storm and how I'd watched the
flowers being buffeted by the winds. That's still how I felt. I felt as if
my heart was bleeding. It was still raw and maybe it would never heal.

	My thoughts were interrupted when I pulled into Asher's
driveway. He was out the door and in the car almost before I'd stopped
rolling.

	I backed out on to the street and asked, "Where do you want to go?"

	"It doesn't matter, anywhere."

	"How about the inlet?" I asked.

	"That's fine."

	We made small talk all the way there, both of us carefully avoiding
the whole purpose of this little trip. I parked, dropped a few quarters in
the meter and we walked out on the beach. The wind off the ocean was more
than a little chilly and I wished I'd thought to put on more than just a
t-shirt. Asher noticed.

	"Here," he said taking his jacket off and handing it to me.

	"No, it's ok. You need it," I argued.

	"Just take it Killian, please. Why do you always have to fight me
about everything? Just let me do something for you," he said, frustration
in his voice, "Besides I have a sweatshirt on and you just have that
t-shirt."

	I silently took the jacket and pulled it on.

	"Thanks," I said softly. He nodded.

	The beach was deserted except for the two of us and a man and his
dog way off down the beach. The sun was quickly making its way towards the
horizon. We walked towards the pier for a while, neither of us
talking. Finally, Asher spoke up.

	"Did you think about what we talked about last night?"

	"A little," I said quietly. Asher took a step closer to me so that
he could hear over the sound of the waves. We were now walking almost
shoulder to shoulder. I felt his hand brush against mine.

	"And?" he prompted.

	"I'm scared," I told him. His hand brushed mine again and this time
he took it and held it in his.

	"Of what?"

	"I don't know how to explain it."

	"Do you still think I killed Seth?"

	"No, I honestly don't. I just don't know how to explain it to you."
I thought for a moment and he didn't push. Suddenly, I stopped walking. It
was like a dam burst inside me and words began to tumble out of my mouth
almost faster than I could speak them. "I've been hurt so many times. When
I was a kid, I used to worship the ground my father walked on. I thought
the sun rose and set on him. I learned differently the hard way over many
broken promises and hurt feelings. I didn't understand my mom. I never
thought she cared about me until recently. I was never accepted at
school. I guess I've learned how to keep people away. I thought I was safe
behind my defenses, and then along came Seth and he saw right through
me. That really shook me up. I was ready to trust him and then he was taken
away from me. I'm scared to give someone my heart, Asher. I'm scared of
getting hurt again." We were under the pier now. I dropped his hand and
walked a few feet away. Asher followed me closely.

	"I've already given you my heart, Killian," he said.

	"But that's just it. What if I don't want it? What if I don't know
what to do with it? What if I hurt you the same way I've been hurt?"

	I felt Asher's hand gently grip my shoulder and turn me around so
that I was facing him. He put his other hand on my other shoulder.

	"I told you last night that I was willing to risk it if you were. I
still am." Then he pulled me closer and wrapping his arms around me kissed
me hard on the lips. I didn't respond at first, but I slowly melted into
his embrace and began to kiss him back. The kiss just kept getting more and
more passionate. Asher gently lowered me to the sand and then I felt his
body follow, pressing his length against mine. We kissed for a little while
longer and then suddenly I remembered where we were.

	"Asher!" I gasped, my breath coming in short bursts.

	"Mmmm?" Asher asked, his face buried in my neck.

	A tingling sensation flooded through my body and I gasped again.

	"Asher! We're on the beach!" I managed to get out.

	He raised his head and looked at me. "So?"

	I grinned and kissed him on the lips again then pulled back. "So,
lets go home and finish this in private."

	"You mean it?" he asked excitedly.

	"Yup. Think you can spend the night?"