Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 09:47:01 EDT
From: Rysh1422@aol.com
Subject: Bleeding Hearts - Chapter 7

Hello again, everyone. Here's chapter 7. For all of you longing for a bit
more romance, you just got your wish! :o) Looking forward to your feedback.

Chapter 7

	I was sitting at the window overlooking the garden, watching the
wind blow furiously through the brightly colored flowers. Many of the
plants had already lost their petals, but so far the bleeding hearts were
holding their own, which is more than I could say for myself. I was feeling
more and more lost every second.

	I stood up and went outside into the storm. No one said anything to
me, and I wasn't surprised. Once outside, the wind buffeted my body and the
driving rain almost instantly soaked me, my tears mixing with the
raindrops. I didn't care. I was half hoping the raging storm would blow me
away - or at least blow away the storm raging inside me.

	I fell to my knees in the middle of the yard. I had never felt so
alone. In the course of the last two weeks I had lost everyone I cared
about. I had alienated my best friends. Seth had been murdered. And now my
mother knew that I was gay, something I'd only figured out a few days
ago. There was no one I could turn to, no one to talk to. I found myself
wishing that the guy who had killed Seth had finished me off too. I wanted
to die.

	I had never had thoughts like this before. I'd never understood how
someone could even consider hurting themselves, let alone killing
themselves. And here I was trying to think of the best way. I knew where
Dad kept a gun, but I didn't like guns. There was no way I could follow
through with that. I could swallow some pills, but I didn't know what kind
or how many or even if we had anything that would work. I didn't want to
get halfway and it not work. I didn't think I was strong enough to slit my
wrists. Maybe I could just lie out here and hope I would die of
exposure. The temperature had dropped quickly, and even though it was only
the middle of September, it was only in the upper-40s. I was shivering
violently as I knelt in the middle of my back yard in the pouring rain with
lightning flashing and thunder crashing all around me.

	I don't know how long I had been sitting there when a voice
penetrated my dark reverie. "Killian!" I got the impression it wasn't the
first time they had called my name. Before I could even raise my head they
were at my side. I looked up through the rain pouring down my face and
couldn't believe my eyes. It was Asher!

	"What are you doing here?" I asked. My voice was thick from crying.

	"I came to see how you were doing, but I can see for
myself. Obviously, not well. Come on. You have to come inside. It's
freezing out here, and you're soaked."  When I didn't move he proceeded to
pick me up and carry me inside. I let him. I was past putting up a fight.

	We came back in through the sliding glass doors just as Mom came
into the room.

	"Oh my God," she gasped when she saw us, "What happened?"

	I guess we did look pretty bad. I was soaked to the bone from the
torrential downpour, and Asher had gotten pretty wet too, even in just the
few minutes that he was out there. At least Asher was wearing a jacket,
although I was pretty sure the black suede would be ruined. He came the
rest of the way in and lowered me to the couch before turning back to my
mother.

	"He's ok physically, but he's really upset. I found him in the
backyard," he said. "He needs to get into some dry clothes though."

	My mom stood, staring at me with one hand over her mouth. After
what seemed like forever she still hadn't responded, so Asher said,
"Mrs. Kendall?"

	She looked at him as if she'd just noticed him for the first time,
"Oh, Asher, could you leave us alone for just a minute. Don't leave; I
think I'll need your help. I just need a few minutes alone..."

	"Ok, I'll go get some towels," he said after she had faded out, and
he left the room.

	Mom walked slowly to my side and knelt on the floor by my head. She
reached out a trembling hand and smoothed back the wet hair that was
plastered to my forehead.

	"Baby, what were you doing out there?" she said, almost in a
whisper.

	I turned my head so I didn't have to look into her eyes. "I wanted
to die," I whispered back.

	Her hand on my arm began to tremble and she began to cry softly.

	"Oh, God! Killian, I'm so sorry," she cried. She reached up and
turned my face towards her. "Baby, I don't care if you are gay
or...or...whatever. I love you with all my heart and that will never
change. I think I've always known you were different. And that's not a bad
thing, it's just...it's going to take some adjustment on my part. I don't
know anything about being gay, but I'll learn. I love you."

	We were both crying by now and I rolled onto my side and hugged her
tightly, ignoring the pain that I still felt in my stomach. My adventure
outside didn't seem to have helped much.

	"I love you too," I told her through my tears. I think this was the
first time we'd ever said those words to each other.

	"You need to get out of those wet clothes," she said, pulling
away. I was reluctant to let go. "Asher?" she called out.

	He was there in a moment so he must have been waiting around the
corner so as not to disturb us. He had taken off his jacket, and his
long-sleeved shirt underneath was still dry, so that meant that only his
pants were still damp. He looked as if he'd dried off a bit already
himself. His curly hair, even darker when wet, was standing out in tufts.

	Mom took the towels and handed them to me. "Can you help Killian
upstairs to his room so he can change?" she asked Asher.

	"Of course, Mrs. Kendall," he said. They both helped me up and
Asher put his arm around me for me to lean on and we started out towards
the stairs.

	"And Asher?" Mom called. We stopped at the bottom step, "Thank
you."

	"For what?" Asher called back.

	"For finding Killian and being such a good friend."

	We stood there for a second before Asher nudged me into moving
again. The climb up the stairs, which was slow and rather difficult, was
taken one step at a time and mostly in silence. Finally we made it to my
room and Asher helped me to my bed then turned around. I thought he was
leaving, but instead he shut the door and came back over to me.

	"What are you doing?" I asked him.

	"Your mom's wrong, you know," he said quietly, "I've not been a
very good friend."

	"You're friend's with Zack and Jesse," I said, "They obviously come
first. Like I said, I'm the back-up plan. Or I used to be. I'm nothing
anymore. Why are you here?"

	He ignored my question and started rummaging through my drawers,
pulling out dry clothes. I winced when he opened my underwear drawer, but
he just pulled out a pair of boxers and tossed them onto the bed.

	"His getting killed really upset you, huh?" he asked me, still
digging through my dresser.
	
	"Geez, Asher, what do you think? I found him. And whoever killed
him tried to kill me too. No, I'm not upset, I'm just flippin fine and
dandy here." Then to my great embarrassment I burst into tears.

	"Dammit, Killian," he said rushing over to me, "I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to upset you. I'm so dumb sometimes. It's just...I didn't realize you
were so close to him and all."

	"We weren't that close," I sniffled. I was really getting tired of
crying.

	Asher picked up one of the towels and gently wiped off my face and
then started drying my hair. I felt like a little kid again. "What are you
doing?" I asked him again.

	"I guess this is my way of saying I'm sorry for being such a jerk,"
he said, then he continued, "I had a big fight with Zack and Jesse. Earlier
this week. I haven't talked to them since."

	"You did? Why? What in the world happened?"

	"I wanted to come see you after...well you know, but they didn't
think I should."

	"Shouldn't hang around with fags, huh?" I said bitterly.

	Asher froze. We sat there for a few seconds, neither of us speaking
or moving. Then Asher got up and picked up the shirt and sweat pants that
he'd dropped when I had started crying. He brought them over and set them
on the bed. He stood there for a second, as if trying to decide what to
do. Suddenly he reached down, took off my glasses and began pulling up my
shirt.

	"Hey!" I yelped.

	"I'm just helping you with your shirt, dude," he laughed.

	"I don't need help, I can do it," I insisted.

	"Oh, you can, huh? You can pull this wet shirt over your head
without an extreme amount of pain?" he said in a teasing voice. "Just let
me help. It's ok. I'm not gonna rape you or anything."

	He had a point. I gave him a dirty look then allowed him to help me
untangle my arms from the wet material and pull it over my head. The
maneuver still caused quite a bit of discomfort, and I knew he could
tell. Once my shirt was off and all I was wearing were some wet bandages
and soaked shorts, I suddenly became very self-conscious. I wasn't
unattractive or anything, but I also knew I wasn't anywhere near as built
as Asher was.

	"Help me get my shirt on," I mumbled reaching for the dry one.

	"You need to change those bandages first, Kill," Asher said.

	I sighed. He was right again of course. "The stuff is in a basket
by the couch downstairs," I told him and he was gone in a flash. I decided
to change my pants while he was gone, it was much easier pulling on pants
then pulling on a shirt, but I only got as far as my dry boxers before he
was back. It didn't seem like he could have had time to even get downstairs
and here he was back with the basket and here I was sitting in my boxers.

	"Your mom was bringing it up. I told her I would help you this
time," he explained.

	"You don't have to," I said quickly.

	"I know I don't have to, I want to. Will you just stop fighting me
and let me help you?" He was starting to sound exasperated so once again I
gave in.

	He gently unwound the wet wrappings and applied fresh salve to the
wound which was not healing quite as quickly as the doctors had hoped. They
said my lungs were doing great however.

	"Arms up," he said and he began to wrap the new bandages around
me. He sat to one side of me, which meant he had to wrap his arms around me
each time around. He seemed to be going much slower than was absolutely
necessary. I tried not enjoy the closeness of his body too much. After all,
he was still off limits.
	
	"You shouldn't be so nervous about your body, Kill," he said softly
into my ear making me jump.

	"Wh-wh-what?" I stuttered.

	"I could tell you felt weird about me seeing you without a shirt,"
he said, "It's no big deal. I've seen you before like when we go swimming
and stuff."
	
"I'm not nervous," I argued, "Its just that you're so much more built than
I am."

	"So? Who cares? You're fine. There, all finished." He stepped back
to admire his handy-work, then grabbed my shirt and helped me into
it. After handing me back my glasses, he picked up the sweats. He stood
there with them for a few seconds, unsure of what to do. He looked so
awkward; it was all I could do not to start laughing.

	"I think I can manage those on my own," I told him, trying not to
smile, "But thanks for all the help, Ash."

	"You're welcome, Killian." He paused for a second, "I have to go
now, but I want you to know that I'm really sorry I haven't been a better
friend, but I promise I'm gonna do better from now on." Then he totally
shocked me by leaning in and kissing me on the cheek.

	I was speechless, which Asher used to his advantage to quickly slip
out of my room. He paused in the doorway on his way out and called over his
shoulder, "I'll be back tomorrow."

	I didn't know what to think about Asher's sudden about-face. It
seemed like he was honestly making an effort to be a real friend, but I was
a little skeptical. He said he'd had a big fight with Zack and Jesse, over
me no less, but what if he was really just spying on me. I wouldn't put it
past them. Kind of a "Lets see what Killian-the-fag is up to." But it felt
like Asher was sincere to me. And what was up with that kiss? He wouldn't
have thrown that in just to be convincing, would he? I wouldn't even allow
myself to think that he might be gay.

	Thinking about being gay reminded about Mom. Now she knew that I
was gay too, and she still loved me anyway. I felt so good knowing
that. The earlier thoughts of killing myself seemed so far away. But what
about Dad? He couldn't find out.

	Suddenly I was tired. All this conjecture, combined with my very
emotional roller coaster ride of a day, had worn me out. I didn't have
enough energy to tackle the stairs again, so I crawled up on my bed. "I'll
just take a short nap," I thought.

			* * *
	
	I had a vague impression that someone looked in on me at some
point, but the next time I awoke, the sun was pouring brightly through the
windows in my room. I had slept all night. I looked at the clock and
gasped. It was almost 11 AM. I must have been more worn out than I had
thought.

	I sat up and winced at the pain. I fought my way to my feet and
almost fell back onto my bed. Asher was sitting on my floor reading a
book. He was wearing jeans and a white Billabong sweatshirt that contrasted
with his surfing tan. His curly dark brown hair shone in the sunlight that
was falling across him like a spotlight. He looked like an angel sitting
there. He looked up at me and smiled.

	"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty," he said.

	"How'd you get in here?" I asked him.

	"Your mom let me in. I've been sitting here for about an hour. By
the way, she had to leave to do some chores. She asked me to keep an eye on
you, so I did." He grinned up at me. Gosh he was cute when he grinned. "You
need some help getting into the bathroom?"

	"I dunno," I said, "I think I can handle it, I can walk you know."

	He still hadn't stopped grinning. "Barely. How about that?" he
asked me, pointing to my crotch. "Think you can handle that?"

	I almost died. There, in all its glory, not hidden at all by my
boxers, was my morning wood. I tried to pull my t-shirt down over it, but
to my further embarrassment it was still fairly obvious. I glared at Asher
and walked off to the bathroom, trying to spare some dignity while he
rolled on the floor laughing.

	Thanks to my extreme mortification, it didn't take long for
Mr. Woody to go away. I decided while I was in the bathroom to go ahead and
take my bath. Besides, it would make Asher wait that much longer. Maybe
he'd go home before I got out. I stripped down and carefully took off the
bandages while the water ran. I usually was a shower person, but showers
are a no-no when you have stitches. I had to wash carefully around the
wound and especially had to keep soap away from it, but it was looking much
better this morning. I might be able to get the stitches out soon.

	When I came out of the bathroom in just a towel, I was surprised to
see Asher reclining on my bed, still reading.

	"Make yourself at home," I said dryly.

	"Thanks, I will," he grinned. Man, that grin got to me. "By the
way, nice towel."

	I stuck my tongue out at him and went to get clothes out of my
dresser.

	"You really shouldn't be worried about your body, Kill," Asher said
coming up behind me, "You have a natural definition like your dad. You
don't even need to work out."

	I blushed. "Um...thanks, Ash," I mumbled.

	He examined my wound. "It looks a lot better this morning." he
said, running his fingers lightly around it, "Must be my magic touch. Sit
down and I'll put the bandages back on it for you."

	"Oh crap, I left the bandage in the bathroom," I told him. His
closeness was starting to get to me. I still didn't know what to make of
his sudden interest.

	While Asher was getting the bandage from the bathroom, I quickly
pulled on my boxers and a pair of jeans.

	"Ok," he said in a bad Dr. Ruth imitation as he came back in, "Have
a seat, the doctor will see you now."

	I chuckled as I perched on the edge of the bed. I had to admit, I
liked having him around. I hadn't felt this good since before...I felt my
face fall with the thought of Seth. How could I be laughing and having fun
when Seth had been murdered?

	"You're thinking about Seth aren't you?" Asher asked me, suddenly
serious.

	I nodded. Asher pulled the tube of salve out of the basket and
squeezed some on to the stitches. "You know," he said as he worked, "You
have to move on eventually. You can't help it that he was killed, but you
don't have to go around sad all the time either."

	"I know. And I'm not sad all the time," I argued, "but it just
doesn't seem right that he could be murdered like that in cold blood and no
one is trying harder to catch the killer. I could have been killed too."

	Asher looked up at me from where he had knelt on the floor. "I
know," he said almost under his breath. Then he went on, louder now, "It
was just a mugger, Killian. They'll catch him eventually."

	"Maybe not just a mugger."

	Asher looked at me intently, "What?"

	"What if it wasn't just a mugger? What if he was murdered on
purpose?"

	"Why would anyone kill Seth?"

	"Because he was gay."

	"Then why would they stab you?"

	I paused for a second then rushed on hoping he wouldn't catch the
pause, "Maybe because I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. They
stopped when they saw who I was, you know. They were gonna kill me too, but
when they sat up and saw me more clearly, they said 'Shit', jumped up and
ran. They recognized me."

	Asher sat back onto the floor. "You're kidding," he whispered.

	I shook my head. "I wish I was," I said.

	"That's scary, Kill, but that doesn't mean he was killed because he
was gay. Maybe the mugger knew you."

	"I've been thinking a lot about this, Asher, and I don't think it
was just a mugger. I was there, remember?"

	Asher sat in silence for a minute, then got back up on his knees
and reached for the bandage. "If you've thought so much about it, who do
you think it was?"

	"I don't know," I told him, "I hadn't really thought about that
part of it yet."

	"Well, arms up then," he said and as soon as I'd complied he
started wrapping me up again.

	While he wrapped I thought about his question. Who could it have
been? I was surprised I hadn't thought about this before. I felt kind of
dumb actually. Isn't that the obvious first question? But as I began to
think about it I realized that maybe I just hadn't wanted to think about
it. The first person that popped into my mind was Zack. I thought about his
threat that same day. He had said that I'd be sorry; me and my boyfriend,
and we all knew he meant Seth. Then I thought of Asher and his words that
day last week in this same room, "If he hurt you, I'll kill him."
Immediately, my body stiffened involuntarily.

	Asher noticed right away, "What? Did I hurt you?" he asked me.

	"No, its nothing," I said, "Can I ask you a question?"

	"Sure, Kill, you know you can ask me anything."

	"Asher, why are you being so nice to me all of the sudden?"

	He didn't answer at first. He just finished up the bandaging job
and then sat back on his heels, leaving his hands still resting lightly on
my sides, his eyes turned down, not looking at me.

	"I told you before," he said.

	"Tell me again," I insisted.

	He took a deep breath. "When I thought I was losing you as a friend
to Seth, I realized how much you meant to me. When you started acting so
different, I wasn't sure what was going on. You were always snapping at
people and getting mad and yelling. It wasn't like you, so I got worried."
He looked up to see if I was listening then, quickly looking away again, he
continued. "I didn't really like what Zack and Jesse were saying and all,
but it was just easier to go along with them. But then when you got hurt,
almost killed, it really scared me. I realized that I had almost lost
you...er...lost the chance to tell you...I mean..."

	"Tell me what?" I asked softly.

	He sat there for a second then looked back up at me. Our eyes
locked.  "Did you love Seth?" he asked me.

	"What?" I gasped.

	Then he leaned forward onto his knees again and kissed me softly on
the lips.