Date: Sat, 16 Oct 1999 12:59:15 EDT
From: Rysh1422@aol.com
Subject: Bleeding Hearts - Chapter 9

Here's chapter 9. Looking forward to your feedback. In the story i mention
MTV's anti-violence campaign that especially focuses on Matthew
Shepard. They will be airing a special about Matthew in the near future.

MTV Fight for Your Rights Site: http://mtv.com/nav/intro_shows.html

For a beautiful tribute to Matthew go to:
http://members.aol.com/arisiaart/Matt.html 

Chapter 9

	Asher and I froze in place as my father entered the hall, my mother
only a step behind him. Mom's eyes were wide and full of fear. I knew what
was coming was not going to be pleasant. I could only hope I wouldn't get
hurt again physically since I wasn't even completely healed yet from the
stabbing.

	"Asher," Dad said in that horrible controlled voice of his, "I
think it would be best if you went on home now. Your daddy's waiting for
you. We just got off the phone."

	Asher shot me a look that was easier to read than a book. He was
terrified.

	"Yes, sir," he said softly, and turned and left. Now I was left
standing alone facing my father. I still hadn't even got out of the
entrance hall.

	"You," Dad said, "What were you doing at that place today?"

	"I felt like I should go," I said firmly.

	"You felt like you should go?" he mocked. "Well isn't that nice,
Meg?" He addressed this to my mother. "You waited till your mother was gone
and then you and Asher couldn't get out of here quick enough."

	I decided now wouldn't be a good time to point out that I had no
way of knowing that Mom was going anywhere this morning so its not like it
was planned.

	"I left you alone after the whole stabbing incident at your
mother's insistence," he growled this as if the 'whole stabbing incident'
was my fault, "but this is too much. I want answers and I want them
now. How could you publicly humiliate me like that? There must have been
reporters from three different newspapers in attendance and you sit on the
front row. Then if that isn't enough, you stand up and make your little
tear-jerking speech. That's going to be all over the place in the morning."

	I was warmed by his concern for the family of the deceased. He was
making me more and more angry by the second, but I struggled to remain
silent.

	"Start explaining, and lets start with the park. I find out today
that you were friends with that...that faggot Connelly boy after I
explicitly told you to stay away from him."

	"You can't tell me who I can and can't be friends with," I said
matching him in the control department. I had learned well.

	"Yes...I...can," he was starting to lose his veneer of control and
I was loving it. "That's why I'm the father and you are not. You were going
to meet him that night, weren't you?"

	"Yes I was," I told him defiantly.

	"Then you deserved what you got," he snarled, for the first time
losing control. He took three large steps towards me, covering the entire
length of the hallway in those few strides, and struck me across the face
open-handed. I reeled backwards into the door and slid down to the floor. I
vaguely heard Mom screaming in the background, but the ringing in my ears
almost deafened me.

	"I won't have my son associated with faggots," he bellowed over me.

	I looked up at him with all the hate and contempt that I felt for
him at the moment and he actually took an involuntary step back when he
looked at me. "I will associate with who I want to associate with," I spat
out. It was almost like someone else speaking.

	With an animal-like roar he reached down and yanked me to my feet,
only to strike me again, this time with a closed fist. I slammed into the
door and slid to the floor once again. This time I tasted the metallic
taste of blood. Mom shrieked again and tried to get to me, but Dad shoved
her back roughly.

	"You listen to me and you listen to me well, boy," he rasped, "I'm
telling you to stay away from that Connelly man. You stay away from Asher
Davis from now on too. I don't know why he helped you, what you did to make
him take you, but you are not to see him anymore. If I find out you've been
sneaking around again, this beating will look like fun. This is my house
and you will respect what I say."

	"Fuck you," I screamed at him, "You think you can just beat me and
I'll respect you? You lost that a long time ago."

	He jerked me up again and held me for a second, suspended in the
air. Once again, time slowed down in that eerie way it has of doing at
important moments, as if to underline their importance. I could hear Mom
moaning softly behind him, almost like a low keening sound. I was only
inches from Dad's face. I could see each vein as it bulged and the fury in
his eyes. A small rivulet of spittle made its way down his chin from the
corner of his mouth. The pain in my face and stomach was intense, but
somehow it only served to sharpen my senses.

	 In that instant that I hung in mid-air and he drew back to strike
me yet again, I made a decision.

	"Guess what?" I gasped, "I'm gay."

	Everything froze. Before, time has seemed to slow down. But now it
stopped completely. Mom fell silent. Dad's fist ceased its swing. We all
held our positions, a strange tableau of the dysfunctional family in the
90's.

	Then suddenly, it all shifted. Dad released his grip on me and I
collapsed. His fist dropped to his side, although it remained clenched. For
a moment, all remained silent. Then he looked down at me. For a brief
second, I could read utter hatred in his eyes, but then they went dead, as
if someone had flipped a switch.

	"Get out of my house," he whispered. "Get your stuff and get the
hell out. I never want to see you again. You are not my son." Then he drew
back and kicked me so hard I rolled across the floor. I heard his footsteps
retreating, then I heard the back door slam shut.

	Mom was at my side before he was halfway to the door.

	"Oh God," she wept, "I'm so sorry, Killian. I'm so sorry."

	I tried to sit up, but the pain was excruciating. My vision blurred
and suddenly I wasn't in my hallway with my mother weeping over me. I was
lying on the ground by the pond once again with a murderer bending over me,
knife raised ready to plunge. I screamed and struck out.

	"Killian!" Mom's frightened voice brought me back to the house. "Do
we need to go to the hospital?"

	"Yes," I managed to gasp, but she was too small to lift me and I
was in too much pain to help.

	"Should I call an ambulance?" she asked me. I don't know when I got
to make all the decisions, but I was glad she asked me this time.

	"Call Adam Connelly," I said through gritted teeth.

	She looked at me blankly for a moment. "Seth's dad," I added.

	"Oh, but I don't know his number," she said running to the
phone. She dialed information and had them connect her.

	I faded in and out after that. I remember Adam arriving and cursing
a great deal. He lifted me like a doll and we were off to the hospital, my
second trip in as many weeks. I remember the hospital and a doctor telling
Mom that I was fine overall. Amazingly enough, the wound hadn't reopened. I
did however have some bruised ribs and a few contusions. He also told her
that I had had a psychosomatic episode. He explained that meant I had
reverted back to the night of the stabbing and experienced it all over
again, even to the point of believing I was there. He said it was similar
to what war veterans experienced.

	In the end, they released me and Mom and Adam decided that I would
go home with Adam. We decided not to file any charges and just said that
I'd been beat up by a gang of bullies. Mom kissed me good-bye at Adam's car
and promised she would bring me my clothes and stuff I needed tomorrow and
we would sort stuff out. I was too tired at the moment since the
painkillers that they had given me were starting to kick in. My last
conscious thought was that I sincerely hoped Asher had made out better than
I had.

			* * *

	I awoke to a strange room and for a few moments I was very
disoriented before I remembered what had happened the night before and
where I was. I sat up and gingerly felt around my ribs. Definitely sore,
but I could live with that. I took time to look around the room I was in
since I hadn't before. I caught my breath as I realized where I was. Adam
had settled me into Seth's room. It unmistakably had his mark. There were
track trophies on a shelf and posters on the wall proclaimed "Gay and
Proud!" and "Stop the Violence!" My eyes were especially drawn to a poster
from the MTV campaign "Fight for Your Rights: Take a Stand Against
Violence!" Nearby was a smaller poster of Matthew Shepard with the dates
1976-1998 printed at the bottom. The irony was so thick it was sickening.

	Just then someone knocked lightly on the door.

	"Yes?" I called.

	"I take it you're awake?" Adam called back through the door.

	"Yes, you can come in." I said, and so he did.

	"How are you feeling?" he asked.

	"Well, I've been better, but I could've been worse. Over all, I'm
ok."

	"Good! You're mom is on her way over with some stuff for you. I
told her and I'm telling you, you are welcome to stay here as long as you
need to."

	"Thank you, Adam. This means so much, I don't know how to even tell
you..." I choked up and had to stop.

	"There's no need to thank me, Killian. I would have wanted someone
to do the same thing for Seth if he found himself in the same situation."
He pointed to the Fight for Your Rights poster, "I'm going to do everything
in my power to stop the kind of violence that took my son's life and sent
you to the hospital twice now. I can't do much, but I can offer you shelter
and care when you need it the most. My house is now your house. Seth would
have wanted it that way."

	I nodded, too overcome with emotion to even speak.

	The doorbell chimes broke the moment and Adam hurried off to answer
it. He was back in a few minutes with Mom...and Asher!

	Mom noticed my eyes light up when I saw him and she broke into a
grin.

	 "He insisted on coming along, I guess I made the right decision in
letting him," she joked. After greetings and hugs were over she asked me,
"Are you ok? How are you feeling?"

	"A little sore, but I'm ok," I told her, "How are you?"

	"Your father never came home last night, which is just as well. I'm
not sure what I'm going to do. I'm going to see a lawyer this afternoon."

	I turned to Asher, "What about you?"

	He broke into a grin, "You won't believe it!"

	"Well, while you get filled in, Adam and I are going to get your
stuff out of the car," Mom jumped in quickly before Asher could go on.

	After they had left Asher settled down on the bed next to me. "'K,
now tell me all about what I'm not gonna believe," I said snuggling up next
to him.

	"Wow, you really seem to be feeling better," he said.

	"That pain medicine is good stuff. I'm sure I'll be hurting when it
wears off. Now talk."

	"It's my dad. I told him I was gay...and he was fine with it. Well,
maybe fine with it is a little strong, but he didn't freak out. It turns
out my Uncle Rick is gay. I never even knew it. But anyway, Dad and Uncle
Rick have always been close so it didn't weird him out too bad." He said
all of this without taking a breath.

	Meanwhile I was stunned. Not only had Asher come out to his
parents, but they were ok with it too. Asher took advantage of my
speechless state to sneak a quick kiss. I looked at him in surprise for a
moment, I still wasn't used to him kissing me. Suddenly I decided to throw
all caution to the wind. I reached up with one hand and pulled his face to
mine while my other arm snaked around his waist. I kissed him much more
forcefully than we had kissed before. It was a slow, sensual kiss. I felt
his tongue against my lips and I parted them.

	The kiss lasted for what seemed like only seconds, or maybe
years...who could tell? When he finally pulled away I lay back onto the bed
and Asher laid his head on my chest.

	"Wow," he whispered after a moment.

	"Yeah, wow," I agreed.

	We heard footsteps coming down the hall and Asher sat up
quickly. Adam entered with a box and gave us a funny look, I suppose we
looked guilty, but he didn't say anything. Mom followed a few seconds later
with another box.

	"This is all your clothes," she said, "When you are feeling better
Adam will bring you to get your car. You'll be staying here until I figure
some stuff out. I've got to run now, that appointment with the lawyer?
Asher, do you want to go now or stay awhile? Adam said he could take you
home later if you want to stay."

	"I'll stay if you're sure its ok?" Asher said immediately.

	"It's fine," Adam assured him.

	Mom came over and gave me a hug and a few words about being a good
guest for Adam and then she was gone. Adam walked her out to her car so
Asher and I were alone again.

	"Um, Asher?" I said as soon as they were gone.

	"Yeah?" he said cautiously.

	"What do you think that kiss meant?"

	"I dunno," he whispered, "Maybe that you like me?"

	"I told you I did, Ash," I told him gently. I reached out and touch
his hand in mine, "I'm just confused about some stuff right now. I probably
shouldn't have kissed you like that."

	"Are you kidding?" he exclaimed. "I am so glad you did. I want to
do it again right now. And again. And again. But what are you confused
about?"

	I didn't know whether to tell him or not. How do you tell someone
that you can't give them your heart because you are afraid they might have
killed your friend? I almost started laughing at that thought. It sounded
like the plot off of some soap opera. I decided to be honest and let the
chips fall where they would.

	"Asher, I have to ask you a question. Please don't get
offended. It's really important to me, ok?" I said.

	"Sure, anything for you, Killian."

	"Where were you when Seth was killed and I was stabbed?"

	For a long time, no one said a word. Asher never looked away from
my eyes. I watched the light slowly go out in them, like someone was
turning a dimmer switch. The affection and warm love were replaced by hurt
and cold anger. He slowly stood to his feet and stared down at me. I sat
up, worried that I had gone too far.

	"So that's it," he said softly, almost to himself. Then louder and
full of anger, "That's why you can't love me? You think I killed Seth and
stabbed you? You think I'm a murderer."

	The anger faded as quickly as it had come up and Asher suddenly
burst into tears.

	"I love you, Killian," he sobbed, "I've loved you for years. How
can you think I would ever, ever hurt you? Do you really think I'm the kind
of person that could kill someone and then lie here with you like nothing
happened? Is that what you think of me?"

	My mouth was opened to speak, but nothing would come out. He spun
around and ran out of the room. Finally I found my voice and called out
after him, but it was too late.

	Adam appeared in my doorway. "What happened?" he asked sharply.

	"I was stupid and hurt Asher," I said quickly, "Please, go after
him."

	Thankfully, Adam ran off after Asher without asking a bunch of
questions first. I collapsed back on my pillow and let out a long, shaky
sigh. I seemed to have quite a talent for hurting those I cared about. I
wonder who I could alienate next?

* * *

	The next week was spent in recovery. Adam would allow me to walk to
the living room and that was about it. He waited on me hand and foot. I was
starting to get a bit spoiled. I missed Asher, but he didn't come
around. Adam had caught up to him and they had had a good talk, but Adam
said he wasn't ready to come back yet. Give it time, Adam kept telling
me. Asher did bring my make-up work from school as far as the front door,
where he handed them over to Adam, so I guess that was a good sign.

	Meanwhile, I grew closer to Adam and learned more and more about
Seth. It turned out that Adam had another son who still lived with his
mother. She still wouldn't allow Adam to see him at all. His name was Kane
and Seth had missed him terribly after he had come to live with Adam. Adam
got quite choked up whenever he talked about him. Kane's 15th birthday
party was coming up in a week and this especially saddened Adam since he
wouldn't get to see him.

	He showed me pictures of Seth and Kane together. Where Seth had the
long gangly frame of a runner, Kane was stockier, more solid looking. That
wasn't the only difference. Kane was also quite a bit shorter than Seth and
his curly hair was darker, more auburn. But if Seth had looked a bit like
an elf, Kane looked like an elfin prince. From the one close up Adam had I
could see that Kane's eyes were the same intensely piercing green that
Seth's were. Adam said they got that from their mother and it was
completely natural. His face was delicate, beautiful but hard to describe.

	I felt for Adam. I could tell just by the way he looked at the
pictures how much he loved Kane. I knew it would be a great comfort to see
him right now as he dealt with his grief. What a hard woman his ex-wife
must be not to allow him to see his only living son at a time like this.

	When I asked Adam about it, he simply said that it was more
hopeless now than ever since his ex-wife was blaming him for Seth's death.

	By the end of the week I was feeling much better. I thought I might
try to go back to school on Monday. On Saturday, we went and picked up my
car. I wanted to go see Asher, but Adam said to wait some more.

	I talked to Mom almost every day. She said the lawyers were
advising her to get out of the house as soon as possible, but she was still
afraid of what Dad might do if she tried to leave him. She said he was
hardly speaking to her since the beating took place. I was worried about
her though, worried he'd become violent again and there would be no one
there to help her.

	As Kane's birthday drew nearer and nearer, Adam became more and
more withdrawn and depressed. I wanted to do something so desperately, but
what? His birthday was on Wednesday; it was Sunday afternoon when I had my
brainstorm. As soon as Adam left to go visit Steve on Sunday evening (he
lived one town over), I went to work. My idea was simple. But first I had
to find some information.

	I felt a little guilty as I began to dig through Adam's desk, but I
decided that the ends would justify the means. I didn't find what I was
looking for, so I decided to check Seth's desk. After about ten minutes of
searching I was rewarded with the object of my quest.

	I ran to the phone and excitedly dialed the number I had found on a
scrap of paper. It rang. Once. Twice. Three times. I was getting tense.

	"Hello?" a voice said as they picked up. I couldn't quite tell if
it was a woman or a boy whose voice hadn't yet changed.

	"Hello?" I said hesitantly. Now I wasn't sure what to do.

	"Hello?" they said again.

	"Um...is this Kane?" I asked.

	"Yeah. Who's this?" I sighed with relief.

	"You don't know me," I started, talking fast, "but my name is
Killian Kendall. I know your dad. Actually, I'm living with him right now
cuz my dad kicked me out of my house and your dad took me in. I was Seth's
friend." I paused to take a breath and Kane jumped in.

	"You live with my dad?" he sounded excited, "Is he there now? Can I
talk to him?"

	"No, he isn't here now and actually that's why I called."

	"What do you mean?" he sounded confused.

	"Your birthday is this Wednesday, right?"

	"Yeah?" he sounded even more confused.

	"It's all your dad has talked about for the last week. He's so sad
cuz he can't see you. He wants to see you so bad, so I thought maybe if you
called that day, it would be better than nothing. I thought it might cheer
him up."

	"What do you mean? Why can't he see me? Mom said he never calls and
that he didn't want to see me."

	My heart went out to Kane. I knew how it felt to not be wanted by
your father. But it wasn't true in Kane's case.

	"No, that's not true. He wants to see you so badly. He cries when
he talks about you. Can you call?"

	"Definitely. I would love to talk to him. I miss him so much," Kane
sounded somewhat distant, as if he was thinking about something else.

	"Are you ok?" I asked him.

	"Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Why would my mom lie to me?"

	"Um," I didn't know how much to tell him, "Do you know why Seth
moved in with your dad?"

	"Mom said because he wanted to," Kane said thoughtfully, "but I
know Seth was happy here. He was gay, but I guess you knew that if you were
his friend. He didn't hide it. I always thought that it might have
something to do with that since he moved right after he came out to Mom."

	"Yeah, I knew. Were you ok with that?"

	"Yeah, why not? He was still the same guy as always. He was a great
brother," he choked up a little. "I still miss him."

	"Me too," I said simply. I made my decision. "And so does your
dad. He's gay too you know."

	"He is?" he asked with just the tiniest hint of surprise in his
voice. "I guess I kind of suspected in the back of my mind with the whole
Seth thing. Are you too?"

	"Yes, I am," I said.

	"Were you Seth's boyfriend or something?"

	"No, we were just friends."

	"Oh. Well it doesn't matter about my dad. I still love him and want
to talk to him."

	"So you'll call him on Wednesday?"

	"You bet I will and I can't wait."

	I gave the phone number and he asked for the address so he could
send letters.

	"Thank you for calling, Killian," he said just before we hung
up. "You are a good person. I'm glad you were Seth's friend. He didn't have
many."

	"I'm glad I was Seth's friend too," I said sincerely.

	We said our good-byes and we hung up. I felt very satisfied with
what I had accomplished. I couldn't wait for Wednesday.