Date: Sun, 6 Mar 2022 14:22:51 -0600
From: Keith Yates <keith.96@att.net>
Subject: Brent's Struggle 31

This is a fictional story that may involve sexual acts between two or more
males. If this offends you, why are you here?  If you are under the legal
age to read sexually explicit material then do not read any further.  This
story in no way represents any person living or dead.  Any resemblance to
any real person is purely coincidental.

This story is the property of the author and no copying or posting to any
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A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial
appearance of being right.

Thomas Paine

Brent's Struggle
Chapter 31

Brent pushed the keyboard away. He was trying to work on his history paper
but could not concentrate. His mind was still focused on the second meeting
with his parents that had taken place earlier that day. The meeting had
been tense. He could feel the tension between Matt and his father. The
glares were like laser blasts and the words the two men had exchanged were
as hard as stone. It was obvious that the two men loathed each other.

Brent knew that Matt's feelings towards Richard were all because of
him. Matt had become so protective that the man was having trouble hiding
his feelings for Brent's parents. Matt rightly blamed Richard and Linda for
Brent's current depression and anxiety. Brent felt safe with Matt
protecting him but he also felt a little guilty for the hurt he saw in his
mom's face when they had left. She had wanted to hug him but Matt would not
permit it. He had seen the tension in Brent at the mention of it and had
intervened. The situation had become even more tense.

"I do not think that is a good idea," Matt said, stepping between Linda and
Brent. Matt had seen the panic in Brent's eyes when Linda had mentioned
hugging him.

"He's our son!" Richard's voice was loud in the conference room. He stood
up from the soft chair where he had been sitting. "She has every right to
hug him. He should be going home with us right now."

Matt could almost hear Brent tense up at Richard's words. "Like I said, it
is a bad idea. Maybe at our next visitation." Matt kept his body between
Brent and his parents.

Richard took a step towards Matt. The man's face was red with anger. "I do
not know who you think you are."

"I am the man that the court thought could look out for Brent's best
interests. Right now, physical contact distresses him. I will not let
anyone set back the progress Brent has made. That includes you."

"I think we need to all calm down," Gloria said.

Brent wondered if the woman ever got tired of repeating the phrase. She
seemed to be doing it a lot and it usually seemed to be caused by Richard
and Matt.

"I think we should just go," Matt said, turning to lead Brent and Bryan
from the room.

"One of these days he will be leaving with us." Richard's voice cut across
their backs as they moved towards the door.

Brent heard the words and felt his stomach flip. He never wanted to go home
with them again. He never wanted to live under the same roof as his
parents.

"It's alright," Bryan said, placing a hand on Brent's back. "Don't let it
worry you."

Brent had let them lead him from the room and down the hall. "I, um, need
the bathroom." Brent thought he was going to be sick. The idea of being
forced to live with his mom and dad again was causing his stomach to churn.

"Sure," Bryan said, leading Brent over to the nearest restroom. "You going
to be alright?"

"Yes, I, um, think." Brent hurried into the men's room. He headed to the
sink to splash some cool water onto his face. He needed to push the idea
out of his mind. He needed to not think about it.

Brent had not been sure how long he had stood there letting the water run
and trying to fight down the nausea. He heard the door open and Bryan came
into the room.

"You doing alright soldier?" Bryan moved up and placed a hand on Brent's
shoulder.

"I, um, guess."

"I know these meetings stress you out and I'm sure the idea that your dad
mentioned made it worse."

"I, um, I don't ever want to go home with them." Brent closed his eyes. He
could feel them burning with the held back tears.

"You have been through a lot these past few months. I understand why you
feel that way. You may not always feel that way though."

"I, I don't think I will ever change. I mean feeling that way. I just can't
ever imagine living with them again. I know that not being with them hurts
my mom."

"I bet you feel guilty for that."

Brent looked at Bryan's reflection in the mirror. It was somehow easier to
talk to the reflection than to him directly. "Is it that obvious?"

"No, but I've been there. I mean hating my parents and feeling guilty for
it."

"You do, did."

"We have issues, my parents and me. They have never really accepted me
being gay. Matt got damn lucky with his parents. You and I did not."

"Devyn's parents are just as bad as mine. Hell, maybe they are better. They
just threw him out. They did not try and have him brainwashed."

"I'm sure that hurt Devyn as bad as what your parents did to you."

"Maybe, I don't know."

"At least your parents cared enough to try and get you help. Even if it
wasn't the help you needed. Devyn's just threw him away."

"I, um, didn't think about it like that."

"I think they do love you, Brent. They just don't understand and are having
a tough time adjusting."

"Even if they do, um, adjust, I don't want to go to live with them. I, um,
I want to, um..."

Bryan's lips curved up into a smile. His eyes could read exactly what Brent
wanted and he thought it was what the kid needed. Plus, Bryan knew it was
what Matt needed. "You can stay with us Brent. That is never going to
change."

"Thanks Bryan." Brent stepped forward and hugged the former Marine. "I, uh,
thanks." Brent wanted to say he loved the man but thought it would sound
wrong. Especially since they were in a men's room.

Bryan put his arms around the teenager. He held him tight. This was the
second time Brent had initiated a physical contact. Bryan thought it showed
that Brent was moving down the road to recovery.

Brent pulled his mind back from the events of the afternoon. He needed to
work on his homework but just did not feel like it. He gave up and moved to
the bed. He flopped down and flipped on the television. He wanted to lose
himself in some mindless comedy.

# # #

"I hope we are doing the right thing." Matt and Bryan were in the living
room. Brent was in the backyard using the yard sweep to pick up the
leaves. If they did not clean them up, they would kill off the grass. Brent
had jumped in to help with all the yard work and helping Bryan chop wood
for the fireplace. They had a large stack going for their winter supply.

"Dr. Drake said he was as ready as he ever would be," Bryan said. "It is
too late to call and stop this now."

"I know," Matt said. "I could hear the excitement in Alex's voice when I
invited him out. He had tried to downplay it but it was there."

Matt had consulted Dr. Drake before making the offer to Alex to come out
and see Brent. The doctor thought Brent was as ready as he would be. They
also thought it would be good for Brent to have additional support when
they told him about Devyn. Matt was hoping that having Alex to help him,
might get Brent through the trauma of learning Devyn was dead. Matt just
wished he had been able to learn more about how Devyn had died. So far
neither he nor his capable assistant Albert had found anything.

"It is like he was scooped up by aliens," Albert told Matt. "There is not
even an obituary. Are you sure he's dead?"

"I got it straight from his dad," Matt said. "I'm sure Frank tried to keep
it as quiet as he could. He would not want anyone to know his son was gay."

"That much of a homophobic dick wad?" Albert was looking up at Matt, his
eyes meeting Matt's.

"Definitely. Hell, he attacked me at one of the job sites once. He thought
I was putting the moves on his teenage son."

"Were you?"

"ALBERT! No."

"Hey, just checking. I thought maybe you and Bryan were looking for a
third...in fact, if you are..."

"Albert, so inappropriate."

"Yes, sorry. Don't write me up for sexual harassment."

"No way in hell. I might end up with Lucy."

Albert had not given up on finding Devyn. He was going to ask a P.I. friend
for some ideas. If that did not work, then Matt was just going to hire a
P.I. to find out what had happened and where Devyn was buried.

The doorbell pulled Matt out of his musings. He started towards the door
but Bryan was already there. "Hi, I'm Alex Caldwell," Matt heard Alex
state. Matt moved up to the door.

"Hi Alex," Bryan said.

"This is my husband, Bryan." Matt placed a hand on Bryan's shoulder. "Come
on in. You are a little early."

"Sorry, you, um, don't know how hard it was for me not to be here hours
ago." Alex followed the two men into the large living room. Alex's eyes
swept around the rustic looking living room.

"I have to say you have shown great restraint. I appreciate that."

"I, um, would not do anything to hurt Brent," Alex said. His eyes were
still searching around for Brent.

"He's out back," Bryan said, noticing Alex's searching eyes.

"Alex," Matt's voice was soft and sympathetic as he spoke, "Brent still
does not remember you. Maybe seeing you will trigger his memory. We don't
know though."

"I understand. I can't say it doesn't hurt but I understand."

"I thought you would," Matt said.

They guided Alex over to the large window that looked out over the back
yard. Brent was there emptying the leaves into the compost pile at the very
back of the large yard.

Alex's heart jumped into his throat at the sight of Brent. It took all his
control to not push past the two men and run out to Brent.

"The meetings with his parents have been rough on him," Matt said. "He has
talked to us but the doctor thinks he needs a friend closer to his own
age. He, um, really hasn't made many friends since getting out of the
clinic."

"He's afraid," Bryan said. "He hasn't told us exactly what happened to him
in there, but it is bad. Real bad."

"He needs to talk to someone about it before the trial. The DA has
contacted me and they need Brent to meet with them. They need to go over
the details."

"Do you think I can help him?" Alex looked from one man to the other.

"We hope you can," Matt said. "Let's go see what meeting you does."

# # #

Brent was using the spade to turn over the compost pile. He was mixing in
the new leaves with the other decomposing matter. The smell was pungent and
earthy as he turned over the contents.

"You are doing an excellent job there, soldier," Bryan said, as the trio
moved towards Brent.

Brent turned towards the voice. He saw Matt and Bryan first and then the
third person. The man looked familiar but Brent could not put a name to the
face. He seemed extremely nervous and worried. This must be Alex that Matt
had mentioned. Brent was hoping to remember the person when meeting him but
other than the man being familiar Brent did not know him. Matt had told
Brent that they were friends but Brent did not remember that.

Brent thought Alex was attractive with his brown hair and warm brown
eyes. He also noticed that Alex was dressed well. The Suede jacket hugged
him emphasizing his lean body. The deep brown pants also hugged Alex in all
the right places. Brent wondered if the man always dressed this nicely or
if the man had dressed up for this meeting. Brent had not. He was just
wearing a pair of jeans, a long sleeve t-shirt and a dark blue hooded
sweatshirt. He wondered if he should have dressed up for this. He wished
again he could remember something, anything, about this man.

"Did we go to school together?" Brent asked Matt when Matt had told Brent
about Alex wanting to see Brent.

"Um, no, he's a few years older than you. He's been very worried about
you."

"Where did we meet?" Brent hated the gap in his memory. He thought it felt
like it was growing rather than shrinking. He knew that was just because he
could not remember these people. The two girls that his parents had
mentioned in his visitation meetings and now this Alex guy.

"You met at the movies," Matt said. "I guess you were going there quite a
bit."

Brent did not remember that either. He often liked getting lost in a good
movie or television show, But he had no memory of meeting Alex.

"He wants to come out and see you," Matt said.

"I, um, don't know."

"I think it would be good for you," Matt pressed. "He's closer to your age
and he cares about you."

"Um, does he know about the clinic?" Brent knew the coverage had so far
kept his name out of it but that was still just a matter of time.

"He knows some," Matt said. He wanted to be honest with Brent. "You can
tell him as much or as little as you want about that. It is up to you but I
think it would be good for you to talk to someone about it." Matt and Bryan
had considered taking Brent to see Steven. They thought that maybe now some
time had passed that it would be good for the two to meet and maybe
talk. If anyone could understand the trauma Brent had suffered, it would be
Steven.

Brent was pulled back to the moment as the three drew up to him. He
nervously spun the handle of the spade in his gloved hands.

"Brent, this is Alex," Matt said. He was watching Brent closely and did not
see any recognition in Brent's blue eyes.

"Hi," Alex said. He took a step closer to Brent. He wanted to grab Brent
and hold him but He did not want to overwhelm Brent.

"Um, hi," Brent said.

"You want some help with that?" Alex asked, indicating the compost pile.

"I, um, was just flipping it to mix in the leaves." Brent was still
twisting the spade.

"That seems simple enough." Alex stepped closer to Brent. He reached out
putting his hand on Brents which was on the spade.

Brent jumped. He stepped back. He glanced at Alex's face. He could see
caring in the warm eyes. The eyes reminded Brent of Devyn. The brown was
the same but Alex's were lacking the golden specs.

"Sorry," Alex said, retracting his hand.

"It's alright," Brent said. "I, um, just, um, was surprised."


The silence stretched out for several long moments. Brent was not sure what
he should do. Should he let Alex help him? Should he go up to the house so
they can talk?

"We should leave you two alone to talk," Matt said.

Brent looked nervously from Alex to Matt and then back to Alex.

"We will be up at the house if you need anything," Bryan said.

Matt and Bryan left the two standing awkwardly by the compost pile. "He
looks stressed," Bryan said softly as they were moving towards the house.

"They both do," Matt said.

"You're looking good," Alex said, trying to break the ice.

"Um, thanks." Brent was not sure what he should say to this almost
stranger.

"Matt and Bryan seem like good guys." Alex wished he were not so
nervous. He had never had trouble talking to Brent in the past. He wondered
why it was difficult now.

"They are the best." Brent turned back to the compost pile. He continued
turning over the decomposing matter. He bit his lower lip trying to think
of something to say.

"I'm glad you have them." Alex was watching Brent work. He could not stop
himself from glancing at Brent's butt as the younger boy worked. "I've been
so damn concerned about you. I've wanted to come sooner but, um, wanted you
to have time to adjust." Plus, Matt was not letting Alex come out because
of the restraining order. Alex was certain that would soon no longer be an
issue. Matt was not fighting it and Matt and Bryan were Brent's legal
guardians now.

Brent turned over the last of the pile and then turned. "I don't remember
you." Brent's words were blunt as he looked at Alex.

Alex looked down trying to control his emotions and then back at Brent. "I
know. It is all right."

"It is not alright!" Brent's words cut across Alex. The frustration evident
in the tone and the way Brent rammed the spade into the ground. "I hate
this. I hate not remembering. I hate..."

Alex stepped closer to Brent. He had started to reach out to hug Brent but
stopped himself. Matt had warned Alex about Brent's reluctance at being
touched. "I can't imagine how it must make you feel."

Brent felt a little bad for snapping at Alex. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." Alex reached out and touched Brent's arm. He felt Brent
flinch and then pull away. Alex felt the stab of pain in his stomach but
reminded himself that Brent could not help his reaction. "Sorry."

Brent turned away looking at the woods. He was not sure what he wanted
more. If he wanted Alex to just leave or if he wanted him to stay and try
to fill in the gap in Brent's memory. "Matt said we met at the movies."

"We did. I was working as a ticket agent and you were coming in all the
time." Alex moved closer to Brent, but did not try and touch him. "I had
noticed you several times. You were cute and seemed sad and I wanted to
cheer you up. We talked and then when I saw you watching the same movie a
couple weeks in a row, I joined you."

Brent listened as Alex told him about the first sort of date. It all
sounded familiar but Brent could not remember it. He could only remember
going to the movies with Devyn and holding hands in the dark theater. He
could remember walking around after the movie and walking through the
nearby park. He could remember Devyn kissing him there in the park in the
dark. Now Brent was wondering if he had it mixed up. Had it been Alex
kissing him there in the dark or had it been Devyn?

"I'm sorry, I don't remember any of that." Brent felt uncomfortable at
admitting he did not remember this man but he also did not want to mislead
Alex.

"It is all right. I do understand." Alex pushed down the temptation to
reach out and touch Brent. He wanted so badly to pull the boy in for a
hug. He wanted to just hold him. He wanted to make Brent feel better.

The silence drug out for several minutes. Alex was looking around the yard
and the woods. He was searching for the right thing to say. He wished he
knew the right words. "It is nice and quiet out here."

"It is," Brent agreed. "I like it. It makes me feel sort of safe."

"Can we go for a walk?" Alex was looking at the woods and he could see the
path leading into the trees.

"Sure." Brent started towards the path. He, Matt, and Bryan had often
walked on the trail.

Alex followed along and was soon walking beside Brent down the trail. He
could hear the soft chirps of the birds and heard something running through
the undergrowth to the left. "I can see how you would like this. It is
relaxing."

"What was the first movie we saw together?"

Brent's question took Alex a little by surprise but he answered it just the
same. "You saw it three weeks in a row. It was that reason I joined you
that third time."

"I don't remember the movie."

Alex understood that to also mean that Brent did not remember him
either. "It was a good movie. Much better than the second one we saw
together. We left halfway through that one."

"We did?"

"We did. We went for a walk in the park. It was colder than this. We walked
and talked. It was when we really started to get to know each other."

"It isn't fair! You know all this shit about me and I don't know jack about
you. You're a fucking stranger!"

"It's alright. I'll tell you anything you want to know."

"It isn't fucking alright!"

Alex was a little surprised by Brent's outburst. "I know it must be hard."
The two had stopped walking. They were standing in the middle of the narrow
path. Alex reached out and touched Brent's shoulder. He was about to pull
Brent in to hold him. Matt's warning about Brent not wanting to be touched
slipped from Alex's mind in his desire to comfort Brent.

"No! Don't fucking touch me. Keep your hands off me!" Brent knocked Alex's
hand away. He moved backwards away from the older boy. His foot getting
caught on a tree root and causing Brent to fall backwards.

The image of Brent's fall brought the memory of Brent being hurt during the
Christmas party to Alex's mind. He could feel the panic surging
up. "Brent!"

Brent landed on his ass on the cold ground. He was surprised by both his
fall and his outburst. He was not managing the visit with Alex well at all.

Alex was breathing hard in his panic. He was trembling at the feelings
Brent's fall had brought up. He could still see in his mind Brent's limp
form lying on the floor and blood pooling from Brent's head. "You, you
alright?"

"I'm sorry." Brent could see the panic in Alex's face. He believed
incorrectly that it was from how he had reacted to Alex's attempting to
touch him. He thought incorrectly that he had hurt Alex by his harsh
words. "I'm fucked up."

"It's alright." Alex took a step forward. He was not sure if he should help
Brent up or not. "I understand that something bad happened to you." Alex
held out his hand letting Brent make the decision on taking it or not.

Brent looked at the offered hand and then up at Alex's face. His eyes met
Alex's. Brent could see concern and caring reflected in the warm brown of
Alex's eyes. Brent slowly took Alex's hand.

Alex felt a thrill inside as Brent's hand met his. He held the hand tight
as he pulled Brent to his feet. "You alright?" Alex had to fight down the
desire to pull Brent in and hold him. He wanted to kiss Brent and tell him
he would make everything alright but he was not sure he knew how to do
that.

"Nothing hurt, except for maybe my dignity."

"Then there is nothing hurt." Alex was still holding onto Brent's hand. He
did not want to let it go. It had been so long since he had been able to
touch Brent. "Do you think if I warned you that I was going to touch you
that it would help?"

"Um, warn me?"

"You know, like if I was going to touch, um, your hair or your shoulder or
maybe your face."

"I, um, guess so but I'm not sure..."

"Let's try it," Alex said, trying to not let Brent put off the physical
contact. "I'm just going to touch your hair." With his free hand, Alex
slowly touched Brent's blonde hair. It was soft against his fingers. He
runs his fingers through the blonde locks. "It is longer than I remember."

Brent was fighting down the urge to push the hand away. He wanted the touch
of this man but it also caused his stomach to flip. He could feel Wilson
yelling in his head that this was wrong. He winced at the memory of the
pain that she had inflicted.

"You alright?" Alex had seen Brent tense up but the wince was not something
that Alex had expected. It was almost like Brent was expecting any physical
contact to come with some sort of pain. Alex wondered just what kind of
hell Brent had gone through in the clinic.

Reaching up Brent took Alex's hand from his hair. "It isn't you."

"Was I pushing too hard?" Alex was looking into Brent's blue eyes. He could
see more pain there than before. "I do that sometimes. I just want you to
feel relaxed."

"I don't know the last time I felt that way."

"I'm not sure you felt that way very often. Even with me and we were alone
you always seemed tense. Only a few times could I get you to relax
completely."

"Tell me about them."

"The first time was when we went to a gay club." Alex proceeded to tell
Brent about their date. They walked as Alex talked. They moved deeper into
the woods that surrounded the cabin where Matt and Bryan lived.

"I do not remember any of that," Brent said, when Alex had finished telling
him about their date.

"We could go back there. Maybe being there again would trigger something."

"I don't know..."

"We could take Matt and Bryan with us. That might make you feel more safe."

"You wouldn't mind."

"No, of course not. Like Matt and Bryan, I want you to get back your
memory. Of course, my reasons are probably more selfish than theirs. I
would like you to remember me and our feelings."

"What if I never remember that?"

"We can build new memories together."

Brent could not believe this guy would be willing to put up with all the
issues that Brent had. He did not believe anyone could be that
understanding. "I don't think you know how messed up I am."

"We are all messed up to some extent. We all come with baggage."

Brent shook his head. "I'm fucked up. Don't you understand that!"

"Brent stop." Alex stopped and looked at Brent. "I'm going to touch you."
Slowly Alex reached out and touched Brent's arm. He felt the blonde tense
up but at least this time Brent did not panic like before. Alex moved a
little closer. "I understand it is going to take time. I am willing to take
things slow."

"I'm not sure I'll ever be, be, like I was." Brent's voice was horse as he
spoke. "I may never be able to, um, be able to, um..."

"Be intimate?" Alex provided.

Brent looked down at the ground. He could not tell this virtual stranger
what had happened to him under Wilson's tortuous treatment. "I think you
should find someone new." Brent pulled away from Alex. He turned and
started walking back towards the cabin.

"Not so fast." Alex hurried to catch up to Brent. "It is not that easy to
get rid of me and I don't want someone new. I want you."

Brent stopped and spun on Alex. "I'm not that guy. I'm not him. He died in
that place. She killed him!"

"No, she tried to kill him but he was too strong." Alex's voice was thick
with his emotion. "I know that you were tortured in there. I know it is
going to take time to heal."

"I can't be healed. I'm fucked up!"

"In time..." Alex's words were cut off.

"Just give up on me. Give up on us. Just leave me."

"I'm not doing that." Alex's voice was firm. "I love you, Brent."

"I don't know why. I'm..."

"I know you think you are fucked up. I love you for surviving the hell you
went through. I cannot comprehend how bad it was but it only makes me love
you more."

"But that Brent is dead."

"I don't think so." Alex's voice was soft again. "I'm going to touch you."
Alex reached out and caressed Brent's cheek. "I think he is hiding because
it hurts too much. He is in some safe place inside you just waiting for the
right moment to come back out. When he does, you will remember and those
feelings will come back."

"What if I remember but I don't feel what you want me to?"

"How I want you to feel does not matter. However you feel, is the right
way." Alex took his hand from Brent's cheek. "Can I hug you?"

Brent turned towards the cabin. "Not now. I, um, can't really manage that."

"Alright, I can live with that for now but next time I'll expect a hug."

"Next time?"

"You didn't think this was a one-time thing, did you?" Brent stopped and
Alex looked into Brent's eyes. "I'll be back often. As often as you can
stand it."

"You're more fucked up than I am."

Alex's lips curved up at the slight sparkle he saw in Brent's blue
eyes. "See we're perfect together. Two fucked up people."

"You're not right."

"Hmm, you have actually said that to me before." Alex moved a little
closer. "I'm going to touch your shoulder." Reaching out, Alex puts his
hand on Brent's shoulder and squeezes it. "I think that just proves that
with time you can recover from the hell you went through."

"I may never be able to, um, feel what you want me to feel."

Alex stopped and with a little pressure got Brent to turn towards
him. "What I want you to feel is not relevant right now. I just want you to
recover."

"What if that means I never feel what I once did for you?"

"That is going to hurt but maybe having you as a friend will lessen that
hurt. Maybe you will help me cope."

Reaching to his shoulder, Brent placed his hand on Alex's. Brent feels a
tingle as he touches Alex's warm skin. "I'll try."

Alex so wanted to lean in and kiss Brent's lips. He wanted the fairy tale
ending where with just one kiss Brent's memory would return and he would
feel again what they had. "I so hope we are more than friends."

"Alex, I want to be honest. I don't think that will happen."

"Then I'll have to learn to accept us just being friends."

Brent took his hand from Alex's and turned back towards the cabin. He did
not understand all the feelings rolling around inside him. He just knew
that it felt good having a friend.

# # #

Copyright 2022 by Keith yates (keith.96@att.net) all rights reserved.

No copying, reposting, or distributing is permitted without the author's
written consent.

Reason obeys itself; and ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to
it. Thomas Paine

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo
the fatigue of supporting it. Thomas Paine

To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and
whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like
administering medicine to the dead, or endeavoring to convert an atheist by
scripture. Thomas Paine

  Character is much easier kept than recovered. Thomas Paine