Date: Sat, 24 Dec 2022 11:22:55 -0600
From: Keith Yates <keith.96@att.net>
Subject: Brent's Struggle 37

	This is a fictional story that may involve sexual acts between two
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This story in no way represents any person living or dead.  Any resemblance
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Brent's Struggle
Chapter 37

The room was dark when Brent woke up. He was disoriented for a moment. He
was not sure where he was. He felt like he was sick. His nose was stuffy
and his eyes felt gritty. Then the memory came back to him. He wished he
could forget this one. Devyn was dead. How could he go on? He never got to
explain. He never got to tell him that he was sorry. He never got to say,
"I love you."

Brent started to move but felt someone in bed with him. He wasn't sure who
it was. For one fleeting moment maybe, everything had been a dream. Maybe
the last two years were just a nightmare. Maybe that was Devyn next to
him. Maybe they were just waking up after their night of sex.

Brent turned towards the person. He moved closer and in the dark, he
reached out. The body was larger than Devyn's. The chest was broader and
definitely had more muscle.

"You awake?" Matt's voice was soft in the dark.

"Yes," Brent's voice was hoarse. He sounded more like a frog than his
normal tone. "Matt, please tell me, please tell me it wasn't true."

"I'm afraid it is Brent. I'm so sorry you found out like this."

"You've known." It was not a question but more of a statement.

"Yes, I'm sorry. I just did not know how to break the news to you."

"You should have told me."

"I know. I wanted to. I started to, so many times. I just, I just wanted to
know where he was and how he died before I told you."

"Do you?"

Matt shook his head in the dark. "Not yet but we will find out. I've got a
P.I. on it. It will probably just take a few more days. One teenage run
away is hard to find."

"He did not run away." Brent's voice was adamant. "His parents kicked him
out. They kicked him to the curb."

"I know." Matt tenderly rubbed Brent's neck and back.

Brent moved into the man's embrace. He was emotionally exhausted and the
physical contact was not having its usual effect on him. "Matt?"

"Yes, Brent?" Matt rubbed his strong hand up and down Brent's back.

"I don't want to go back to see them. I won't do it anymore."

"You don't have to," Matt said. "I already told them that. This was the
last time you will be forced to see them."

"Thanks, Matt."

"Just know that anytime you want to visit them, you can. We will never
stand in the way of that."

Brent rested his head on Matt's chest. "I have always known that." Brent
was quiet for a while then he spoke again. "Um, Matt?"

"Yes, Brent?"

"Am, would you, I mean could you stay here with me for a while?"

"For as long as you need me." Matt felt a tear in the corner of his eye and
then felt it travel down his cheek. His heart was aching for the teenager.

"Thanks, Matt." There was another long pause before Brent added. "Matt, I
love you."

"I love you too Brent." Matt kissed the top of Brent's blonde head. "Try
and get some more sleep. I think you need it."

"Will you be here when I wake up?"

"Yes. For as long as needed."

"Um, Matt, where's Bryan."

"I'm here too, soldier."

Brent felt the bed move and then felt Bryan next to him.

"We are both here and aren't going anywhere."

"I love you both."

"We know," Bryan said. "Now sleep."

# # #

He's just sitting out there again," Matt said. He was looking out the back
window at Brent sitting on the deck. It had been a week since the
information had been revealed to Brent regarding Devyn. Brent had not left
the house. He had refused to go to school and rarely spoke. "I'm deeply
concerned about him. He sees Dr. Drake tomorrow but I'm not sure he can
help him."

 "He does that a lot now," Bryan said. "I think we just need to find Devyn
so he can have closure. Has the P.I. had any luck finding him?"

"No, it is like he was beamed up by the Enterprise."

"You're funny." Bryan's voice was laced with his sarcasm.

"I had a crazy thought. What if... what if Devyn isn't dead?"

"What?" Bryan was surprised by Matt's comment.

"Think about it. We are taking Devyn's parents at face value. The boys were
caught having sex and Frank tossed Devyn out. What if he is just telling us
Devyn's dead? Maybe that is just wishful thinking on Frank's part or maybe
it is how he's dealing with having a gay son."

"But for him to tell you..."

"Oh, he would definitely not care to hurt me. I'm sure he got some sort of
pleasure out of that."

"But Brent's parents or at least Devyn's girlfriend?"

"I know. It is low. Despite what your kid does..."

"Yeah, not even my parents did that. They disowned me and never talked
about me..."

Matt turned from the window to enfold Bryan in his arms. "It is their
loss. They just don't know what a fantastic man you are."

"Thanks, babe." Bryan tenderly kissed Matt's lips. "You have no idea how
good you had it."

"I do have some idea. My parents were surprised but totally accepting."

"Your Mom is a hell of a lady. I wish I had known your dad."

"Me too. He would have liked you."

"I know I would have liked him because I LOVE his son." Bryan placed extra
emphasis on the word and then kissed Matt again.

"So, what do we do about our boy?" Matt asked. He was out of ideas. Nothing
they had tried had seemed to interest Brent.

"I don't know. He lost someone he loved. He's been through so much."

"He has but he's made so much progress. We were getting closer and so were
he and Alex."

"Has he reached out to Alex?" Bryan did not think so but wondered if Matt
knew something he did not.

"No. Alex has been calling and texting me. He wants to come over but I'm
afraid of doing more harm."

"Maybe we should let him. Maybe Alex can get through to him. Maybe we
should make a road trip to see Steven. They bonded in that hell and maybe
he can get through to Brent."

"I'm willing to try anything. Let's see what Dr. Drake says tomorrow. We
can take it from there."

"That sounds like as good a plan as any."

# # # #

"There is no point in going," Brent told Matt the next day when Matt
reminded Brent of the appointment with Dr. Drake.

Matt had changed his schedule so he could go to the appointment with both
Brent and Bryan. He wanted to be there to hear what Dr. Drake thought of
Brent's setback.

"Brent, this is not optional." Matt did not like being the heavy but he had
to get Brent some help.

Brent's voice got louder.:" I'm not going. You can't make me go!"

Matt was a little surprised by Brent's anger and outburst. Brent had
shouted before but never at him or Bryan.

"Hey soldier, take it down a notch," Bryan said and placed a hand on
Brent's shoulder.

Brent flinched and pulled away from Bryan's touch. "I'm not going." Brent's
voice was still defiant but he was no longer shouting.

Matt took a deep breath. "Look Brent, this is step one of making sure you
never have to go to one of those visitations again. My attorney needs the
report from Dr. Drake to file his papers with the judge."

"Come on Brent, you know this is the right thing to do," Bryan said.

"Fine. But this is the last time." Brent stomped off to get dressed. He had
not been out of his sweats or shorts since his visitation with his
parents. That had been the last time he had left the house except to sit on
the back deck. He liked sitting there in the sun.

Matt and Bryan had tried forcing him to go to school but he had
refused. The yelling match...well it had been Brent doing the yelling. It
had not been until he had broken down that the men had relented. They said
they would give him until this appointment with Dr. Drake but after this,
he would have to go to school again.

Brent did not see the point in going to school. He did not see the point in
anything. The world was useless without Devyn in it.

Bryan and Matt exchanged a look. They watched as Brent went to his room to
dress. The sound of the door slamming was loud in the cabin.

"Shit, I did not expect that kind of outburst."

"Me either babe. Looks like we've got a surly teenager on our hands."

Matt took another deep breath and let it out slowly. "I hope the doctor can
put us on the right path to helping him."

# # # #

Brent did not want to keep snapping at Matt and Bryan. He knew he owed them
but he could not control his outbursts. He felt as though someone had
ripped his stomach open and his insides were slowly running out. Sitting
across from Dr. Drake was not helping. The doctor expected him to talk and
Brent did not want to do that. All he wanted to do was go back home and get
back into bed.

"This works better if you talk to me, Brent." Dr. Drake could see that
Brent was backsliding and he was not sure how he could help the boy.

"There's nothing to talk about. There is nothing..."

"I know learning of Devyn's passing is a shock." Dr. Drake was watching
Brent closely. He could see the sorrow in Brent's eyes. He could see the
anger in the set of Brent's lips. There was no doubt in the doctor's mind
that the teenager was torn up inside.

"A shock. It was more than that. I'm only here so you can tell the judge to
fuck off."

Dr. Drake snorted. "I don't think I'll phrase it like that in my report to
the judge."

"Just tell him whatever you need to tell him. The bottom line is I'm done
with them. I'm done with those useless visitations. I'm not going back. I'm
not seeing them again!"

"I agree that it would not do you any good to see them right now."

"Not just right now. NEVER!" Brent shouted the last word and then got up
and began pacing. "I think he did it on purpose. I think he wanted to hurt
me. I think he likes it when I'm in pain. He's a sadistic fucker."

Dr. Drake listened as Brent finally started talking. He watched the
teenager pacing the room. He wondered if a treadmill would help the boy. He
definitely had some pent-up energy.

"Did you tell them how you felt?"

"They don't give a fucking shit how I feel. I told them exactly what had
been done. I told them exactly how I was raped. I told them how she tied me
up and rode me like a fucking animal."

"But did you tell them how you felt?"

"THEY DON'T FUCKING CARE!" Brent was shouting the words at the top of his
voice. "No one cares anymore." Brent's voice was soft now. "The only one
that cared is gone."

"Now, Brent, you know that is not true."

"He's gone. I fucked up both our lives and can't fix it. I don't get a
second chance." Brent dropped back down into the chair. He felt the tears
sliding down his cheeks. He wished it were him. He wished he could stop the
pain.

"Matt and Bryan care about you. They love you, Brent."

"They don't understand what a fucked-up mess I am. I'm so screwed up. They
deserve better than me."

"I believe they would definitely disagree with that."

"They just don't see me for me. They don't see how, how..."

"Yes, Brent?" Dr. Drake was watching Brent closely. He was concerned about
how bad the shock was to Brent to learn that his first love was dead.

Brent got up from the chair. He paced. "It just doesn't make sense. He
should be, be..."

"I know it is hard to accept."

Brent spun around. "I can't accept it. I can't. It is wrong. The world is
wrong without him in it."

"I'm sure it does feel like that. Grief is a rough emotion to navigate
under the best conditions."

Brent turned back to look out the window. He wanted to just jump out and
get rid of the pain in his chest and stomach. Brent jumped when he felt a
hand on his shoulder.

"Coming to terms with his loss is going to be the hardest thing for you to
do." Dr. Drake's voice was level and filled with the man's concern for
Brent. His attachment to this teenager was evident in his eyes.

Brent shrugged off the Doctor's touch. It was the first time Dr. Drake had
ever made physical contact with Brent. "I'm not sure I can." Brent's voice
quivered with his emotions.

"I'm here to help you. So are Matt and Bryan."

Brent looked out the window down at the sidewalk and the street. "I
know. No matter how poorly I treat them, they are there for me."

"That is all part of love Brent. Being there both physically and
emotionally."

"I don't deserve them." The tears slid down Brent's cheeks. "I didn't
deserve him and I don't deserve them."

"You did not deserve to be put through the hell you have. You do deserve
two loving parents and Matt and Bryan are that."

"But my real parents..."

"In every way that matters, Matt and Bryan are real parents. They are yours
and you are theirs."

"I'll never love anyone again."

"I know that is how you feel right now. I'm sure I would feel the same
way. It is hard to get over that first love. I'm not sure we ever truly
do. I still think about mine from time to time. I wonder where she is. Is
she married? Does she have children? I wonder what our life would be like
now."

"But she's alive?"

"As far as I know. We lost touch ages ago. She moved somewhere on the West
Coast."

"At least you and her could have been together. You did not have parents
and stupid narrow-minded..."

"I know it is so much harder for a gay couple. It is probably even harder
for two boys than two girls."

"How do I cope with losing him?"

"Time Brent, it will take time. Turn to Matt and Bryan and confide in
Alex."

"Alex is out of the picture. He's better off without my...my fucked up
emotional shit."

"I believe Alex would disagree."

"He's moved on. He's got Pete. Pete is better for him."

"Did Alex tell you that?"

"It is true. He needs a boyfriend that can love him. I can't do that. I
can't, I can't..."

"Brent, the physical part..."

"It's more than that. Although, I have not been able to do that either. I
don't even want to know. I have no interest in it."

"That will pass in time."

# # # #

Brent felt more drained than he ever had after a session with Dr. Drake. It
was even worse that Dr. Drake wanted him back in just a few days. Brent
knew that meant he was falling apart all over again.

Brent was lying on his bed looking at his phone. He was looking at the
picture of Alex and their string of text messages. The last fifty or so
were just from Alex. Brent had not been responding. Alex was still texting
him even though Brent was not responding to any of them. Sometimes it was
just a "good morning" or "good night." There were "I miss you" and "I'm
sorry."

Brent could not believe that Alex had not given up. He had texted just an
hour ago. "Just wanted to say hi and to let you know I'm thinking of you."

Dr. Drake had encouraged Brent to reach out to Alex but Brent could not do
that to Alex. The guy was too nice to be burdened with Brent's fucked up
life. He would not add to Alex's misery. He wanted Alex to move on. Brent
wondered if Alex would move on with his friend Pete. Brent felt a pang of
jealousy at that thought. Alex had talked enough about Pete that Brent knew
the two roommates were close friends. Alex had always made Pete just sound
like a good friend but it might not take much for that to change. Would
Brent be alright with that? He honestly was not sure. Somewhere inside he
wanted Alex's attention. He wanted to feel that closeness with someone. He
and Alex had become closer. That was mostly due to Alex's persistence.

Brent locked his screen and put his phone down. Part of him did miss
Alex. Part of him wanted to reach out to the guy. He wanted to go on one of
their walks. He wanted to tell Alex how good it had felt to hug him. It had
made him feel wanted. That was one of the things that Devyn had made Brent
feel right from the start. Devyn had made Brent feel wanted as a friend and
then as a boyfriend.

Alex had also given that to Brent. All of the texts and the calls had made
Brent feel special to Alex. However, Alex was not Devyn. With just one
look, Devyn had made Brent's stomach flip. Brent wondered if he had ever
felt that with Alex. He could not remember how it had been before. He might
have and just not remember it now. Because of Wilson, he might not ever
have that stomach-flipping feeling again.

Brent picked up his phone and considered texting Alex but he was not sure
what to say. He knew he would just keep hurting the guy. He was going to
just keep hurting everyone around him. He had hurt Devyn. He had hurt
Alex. He had probably also hurt that Cody guy. He was sure he had hurt
Tracy. He sort of had a memory of them breaking up. Brent wondered if he
should reach out to Sue. Maybe she would know what had happened to
Devyn. Brent was certain that had been the person his father...no he
corrected that. Richard was not his father. He was just a sperm donor. Matt
and Bryan were his fathers now.

Brent dropped his phone and rolled onto his side. His face in the pillow as
tears began again. He had lost his parents and he had lost Devyn. He had
nothing else he could lose.

# # #

Pete had never liked going to these open Mic nights but here he was. The
last person on stage had made Pete's ears ring. He had been off-key all the
way through the song and the guy had tried to hit notes that there was no
way his voice could hit. Pete would have left then, but Alex was the next
person to go on. The guy had been drinking increasingly and that was due to
Brent's rejection.

Pete knew that Alex's response to the rejection was his own doing. Of
course, that did not stop Pete from blaming Brent. Why the guy could not
see what a guy like Alex was worth was beyond Pete. It was obvious that
Alex could not move on from Brent and it looked to Pete like Brent was
going to keep hurting Alex. Again, intellectually Pete knew much of what
Alex had been through was not totally Brent's fault. But this last
rejection was totally Brent.

Pete just did not understand the loyalty that Alex showed to Brent. He had
never met Brent, so maybe that would change Pete's perception of him. All
Pete could see is how unhappy Alex was and how the relationship was hurting
Alex. Pete wasn't sure if what Alex and Brent had could even be called a
relationship. It might have been before the accident and Brent's time in
the clinic but not now.

Pete took his phone from his pocket. He aimed it at Alex and started
recording as his friend made his way up onto the stage. Pete had never
heard Alex sing and he hoped that the guy would be better than that last
person. It would be really hard for him to be worse. That guy had set the
bar damn low.

Alex took a drink before he moved up onto the stage. He ran his tongue
nervously across his lips before he began speaking. "My best bud is out
there recording this. It's for someone special. I hope I'm within his
hearing."

Pete shook his head. He wasn't sure if the guy would ever see or hear the
recording. Hell, the damn thing might not even be worth sending. Why Alex
thought this would get Brent to respond was beyond Pete.

Alex felt almost as nervous as that time at Christmas when he had sung the
song he had written for Brent. He rubbed his hand on his pants as he took a
deep breath. Then the music started and he began to sing.

Where have you gone My darling one Are you on your own Are you having fun
Is there someone to hold When you need it bad Is it uncontrolled Like the
love we had

Pete was surprised. Alex was good. Hell, he was better than good. Pete
tried to hold his phone steady as Alex continued to sing.

And if you're still within the sound of my voice Over some radio I just
want you to know You were always my only choice And wherever you go That I
still love you so If you're still within the sound of my voice

Pete could not believe how good Alex sounded. Damn if only Alex was not so
damn hung up on Brent. The guy was attractive, talented, and had a
wonderful heart. Alex would have been the kind of guy anyone would want. He
was certainly the kind that Pete wanted but not when Alex's heart belonged
to someone else.

Are you still within the sound of my voice Why don't you let me know I just
can't let you go If it's wrong then I have no choice But to love you until
I no longer have the will If you're still within the sound of my voice

Pete shook his head as Alex finished the song. There was a loud roar of
applause and whistles.

"Damn your friend is good," a lady at the table next to Pete said.

"He is," Pete agreed. He had stopped the recording. He would check the
quality later. He hoped they would not have to repeat this exercise.

"Since you were recording it, I'm guessing that was not directed at you,"
she said.

"Um...no..." Pete let out a long sigh.

"I'm sorry," she said. She and her girlfriend moved to Pete's table. "How
bad do you have it for him?"

`Damn pushy lesbian,' Pete thought. "Um...we're just friends," Pete said
aloud.

"Not by your choice though," her girlfriend said. "My name's Phyllis."

"And I'm April," the other one said.

"I'm Pete," Pete said. He would have rather just finished his beer alone
but these two girls were not going to give him that option.

"Does he know how you feel?" April asked. She placed a comforting hand on
Pete's arm.

"We're just roommates and friends."

"You mean best buds?" Phyllis smiled.

"Yeah, we are." Pete might want more but he was not going to play second
fiddle to Brent or the memory of Brent. Maybe he should get up on stage and
sing too. Of course, Pete knew he could not sing any better than that guy
that had been on stage before Alex.

The two ladies sat with Pete as Alex was singing a second song. It was more
depressing than listening to the tone-deaf guy that had been on stage
before Alex.

"Wow, he does have it bad," April said.

"You can hear the heartache in every vocal," Phyllis said.

"You can but damn can that boy sing," April said.

Pete had to agree with them on that. It was clear that Alex loved Brent and
was not getting over the rejection. Pete had seen that from the way Alex's
drinking had increased. He was going to have to remind Alex that drinking
too much would not help him or Brent.

Alex finished the second song. He got less applause on this
performance. Maybe that was due to the song being more depressing. He left
the stage and made his way to the table. He was surprised to see Pete
sitting with a couple of women.

"You were really good," April told Alex once he had reached the table.

"You were the best of the night," Phillis said.

"You were," Pete agreed.

"Um...thanks. Did you...um...record it?" Alex was looking at Pete.

"Yes, the first one. I didn't realize you were going to do that second
one."

"We distracted him," April said.

"This is on the house," the waiter said as he brought Alex a beer. He
smiled longingly at Alex.

"Um...thanks."

"You were so good," the waiter said. "My name's Bruce."

"Hi Bruce." Alex was feeling a bit overwhelmed.

"Hey Dude, who knew you could sing?"

Alex looked up to see a guy he had dated briefly standing next to his
chair. "Hey E, how is it going?"

"Good man." He patted Alex's back. "So, who was the song for, I'm guessing
it wasn't me."

"No, not you dude." Alex knew that he and this guy would never work
out. Alex had always been attracted to guys who were a little younger and E
liked guys older than him.

"Was it the blond I saw you with a year ago?" His voice had taken on a more
serious tone.

"Yeah, that is right. You did meet Brent."

"Right, I couldn't remember his name. Hopefully, he was within the sound of
your voice tonight."

"Maybe, if my bud Pete here did a good enough job recording that." Alex
indicated Pete sitting between the two lesbians.

"Good luck man."

"You seeing anyone these days?" Alex was trying to make polite
conversation. He liked this guy well enough but just as a friend.

"Sure am. We're serious but he comes with some major issues."

"Like what? Got some fetish that you aren't into?" Alex tried to smile a
bit but it did not reach his eyes. It was obvious it was a bit forced.

"He's got kids."

"Holy shit! You going to be a daddy?"

"Hell, one of them is only about 6 years younger than me. He's a good guy
though."

"That's cool. You ready for an instant family?"

"Honestly, I don't know. It's more responsibility than I...um...considered
before."

"Well think about it before going in too far," Alex said.

"Hell, it might be too late for that. He's so damn sexy and so damn
nice. He's got it all."

"Well, if he's got your heart, don't let him go." Alex knew he was going to
do everything to hold onto Brent.

"I'm planning on holding on to him and heaven help the man that tries to
take my MAN!"

Pete was watching Alex closely. Alex had already finished the free beer and
was halfway through a second. Pete switched to drinking soda so he could
drive them both home.

# # #


Copyright 2022 by Keith yates (keith.96@att.net) all rights reserved.  No
copying, reposting, or distributing is permitted without the author's
written consent.

Reason obeys itself; and ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to
it. Thomas Paine

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo
the fatigue of supporting it. Thomas Paine

To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and
whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like
administering medicine to the dead, or endeavoring to convert an atheist by
scripture. Thomas Paine

  Character is much easier kept than recovered. Thomas Paine