So, basically this is it, at school I guess I'm playing `cool', even pop, pretty nice, but at home it's same old me, worried about studying, worried about having dinner set for dad when he arrives home... you know, he deserves, he `keeps it up', house, the enterprise, the office, life in general, all alone.

    And I can't complain about not being fortunate. I'm a very lucky one. After all, every morning, I can go to school with my walkman, my last trend sneakers, my faded jeans, in trend, my `silky hair', as Linda would say, piercing green eyes and an expensive watch... and the other guys wouldn't mess up with me, would never consider taking any of it, so that, dad was cool enough and I could be sure to always have at least fifty bucks for lunch, after class candy, mall, whatever.

    But, also, other than that, I go to the mass sometimes to spiritualize, you know. I also love hitting the school gym after classes, going to the park... that post exercise adrenaline is great! Oh yeah, and I love playing video games. And I love it when my friends come over, but that doesn't happen much. Actually the guys came two or three times at home only. They always seem to have something else to do, like totally dumb, just hang around in the street, close to school, not stopping to buy anything, clothes, not even ice cream for god's sake! Oh yeah, and some times... to be honest, lately, it's been pretty common, to be kissing the girls close the school walls and in the square nearby.

    Oh yeah, and there's `that'. I have to know if I really like guys... if I do, what should I do when they talk girls? I have to correct myself not to be staring.

    ***

    Today, at lunch, Bruce was specially beautiful. I don't know what he did, but his hair was so shiny, his eyes were bluer than usual, if that's even possible and... and Trevor had a t-shirt one size too small I'd say, and his biceps were bulging. I swear his t-shirt's sleeve would tear apart at any moment, and he had hair gel that made it jet black, along with his dark thick eyebrows that gave him that predator look, that hard jaw, that beard shadow that made him look older, all manly, very masculine, and when he gazed that piercing gaze at me, flashing white teeth... all of them so confident. Gosh, Chris, stop staring!

    And then, there was P.E., they were all in those hot football uniforms. The football pants along with the shoulder protection made all of them look even stronger!

    After practice we had to hit the showers and I was already thinking of all the non sexual related things, hot dogs, barbecue, a funeral, TV news, but nothing of that worked when the guys were chatting animatedly and Derek took his sweaty t-shirt in front of me showing a chest even with some hair in it, and Bruce... he took all of his uniform off, including his pants, and got naked in front of me. Seeing that round firm butt, along with that wide back, ample shoulders, large thighs... next thing I was spotting a `semi'.

    `No, Chris, don't be curious to see the rest, run outta here.' I mentally shouted to myself and got in a stall.

    I didn't understand. That scene happened a lot of times before but now it was... different.

    I turned the water very cold and got my neck under the spray. I guess it felt like when the water hits a hot pan.

    I closed my eyes to relax, but I was listening to Bruce and Trevor's voice, and automatically picturing their naked bodies two meters from me as I knew they were, so I opened my eyes but as I looked down I was looking at a raging hard on.

    I got there until everybody was gone and I was still hard but I couldn't take care of that there. I had to do it later at home.

    Mr. Thompson showed up to check if everybody was gone. I automatically flushed in the face. I didn't know what to do if he asked why I was still there.

    "Move out, I have to close the locker room, okay?" he said. I didn't know if I looked at him or looked down, at the floor.

    I just nodded in reply and averted my gaze again.

    I just saw him giving me a weird smile. He was sympathetic at me somehow.

    Damn, does he `know' why I was there? He gave me a `knowing smile'... nah Chris, you're hyperventilating and overreacting. He doesn't know anything.

    Thank god my `situation' was gone.

    I wrapped myself in a towel as I got out of the shower to settle my stuff, as Mr. Thompson was already checking if the lockers were closed, to close the room.

    "Chris, what's that bruise?" he referred to a bruise in my back, close to my ribs, on the left. It was a little dark yet, I guess, when I looked at the mirror this morning, but was nothing major, barely noticeable. But Mr. Thompson was really close to me, there was only me still there.

    "Ah, it's nothing Mr. Thompson." I said as I kept collecting my stuff on the bench.

    As he said nothing I looked up at him. He was silent and looking at me.

    "I hit it in the handrail at home, can you believe it?!" I said.

    He just kept looking at me for two or three more seconds.

    "Okay." he nodded at me.

    He ruffled my hair as I was bending down, taking some clothes from my bag, on the bench. I looked at him and he just smiled at me and turned back to the door.

    ***

    It was getting late, so I already had dinner because I was hungry before. I was watching TV at the living room waiting for dad to arrive to `say hi to him' and minimally ask about his day at the office.

    I heard some noise and the door burst open and a lot of laughter.

    "Hey, Chris... this is my champ, Chris." he was saying very loud.

    There was this woman with him... she was well dressed and everything but she was a... whore... I don't know if she was being paid or if she `wasn't a prostitute' but was interested only in money, anyways... that's been happening a lot lately: Dad arrives with a woman, presents to me... I tried to be cool the first times, polite, you know... You could say no one can replace mom but that wasn't even about that... these women last, one month, tops, then they vanish, and next week is `a new one'.

    I know the old man has to `go for the hunt' until he finds the right one again, it's a man's thing – it's a man's thing, right? – but... but I don't think this is the right... path, you know?

    "Dad? Are you okay?"

    "I've never been better in my life." he said with arms wide open and laughed out loud.

    "Are... are you drunk?" I asked.

    "This is..."

    "Dad, I know... I mean, is she a... " I tried to conceal in a light tone, as everything was silent.

    "Are you judging me?! Everybody seems to be judging me lately!" dad started screaming.

    "But, dad..."

    "Don't you dare replying at me." he said and slapped me on the face. It was kind of hard. I lost my balance. I just saw the girl getting out of the door in like one motion and she was gone.

    I hit the TV counter's corner as I lost my balance and it hit the light bruise on my back that was almost gone, but still, it hurt a lot.

    I laid on the floor for a moment, held my breath, but two tears rolled from my eyes. I shut them closed, in pain. Then, I opened them again when I felt I wouldn't gasp or sob.

    "Don't you dare defying me." My father finished, pointing a finger at me and going upstairs.

    It hurt, but wasn't anything unbearable. It could happen, even as an accident. But, what hurt the most was maybe the rejection feeling, or feeling powerless, like I didn't know right there what to do to help dad, to help me. No, the loneliness is what hurt the most.

    I didn't want him to see me crying. He has somehow disappointed me tonight, with his behavior, I suppose, but still, he was my old man. He wouldn't like to see me crying like a wuss, so I went outside.

    I was sitting on the porch step as I watched the sky turn purple and darker. I was just watching it, not knowing what to do or think... again.

    As the sky turned darker, a lonely star in showed up in the sky. A lonely star, like me, in the lilac sky.

    But in the star's case, other stars would slowly show up and fill the sky all around her... not to leave her alone. I wish that would happen in my life, would it?

    I wish one of those stars was mom, looking down at me, and that, as I looked up in the sky, she would send me a sign... anything!

    But when there was only a lonely star I could know, now that the sky was getting full of them, how could I know which... but if mom was a star I didn't want her to be lonely, I'm sure she deserves to be with a lot of friends... gosh, I miss you, mom!

    Well, I got some friends to myself, but deep down in my core I know they're wrong somehow... I feel pressured close to them, I don't feel totally comfortable. Well, but they're the best guys from school, the best friends I could get, right? If only mom could answer that to me now, teach me how to get other friends, without being hit at school... without letting me being hit at home...

    But that is a situation that goes for over a year now and soon... soon highschool will be over and I can move away from here, to go to college far away from here and not have to stand all of this anymore.

    ***

    I guess after one or two hours it was time to get back inside again... sigh... I didn't know if I wanted to...

    Maybe if I laid on the porch and the night wasn't cold I could drift off there. So I was lying in a curled position.

    There was the door click. It was dad. He had wet hair, a t-shirt and sweatpants, probably had a shower.

    I managed a sitting position and was ready to get up... what if he was still mad at me...

    He gave me a weak smile and outstretched a hand for me to get up. I took it.

    He pulled me very close to him and hugged me tight. So I just accepted the hug and put my hands on his back. He was a big man, bigger than me, so my hands wouldn't meet in the small of his back.

    "I'm sorry son, I'm sorry Chris." he said, with his cheek on my hair, close to my ear.

    "I know it doesn't justify... doesn't make it any better, but I want you to know it's not being easy to me... I guess it's not being easy for you too." he continued as we were standing in the porch and he was holding me against his chest.

    These are the only times dad is not the usual tough man and shows some affection but then, everything goes `back to normal' tomorrow morning.

    "Please, Chris, promise you'll never leave me, you'll never run away." dad said.

    I just tightened the hug for him to know it was okay.

    We got back inside and closed the door for a quiet night. Right after that, I decided for the best just go to bed.