Date: Wed, 26 Jul 2000 14:36:59 PDT From: da Beagle Subject: Dear Diary..., High School Dear Diary... December 25, 1994 Well this is my first entry. My mom gave this to me and she seems to think it's a good thing for me to have and tells me I should write in it daily, that I will appreciate it later in life. What the hell do I write though? I think she just wants a record of my thoughts laying around, RIGHT MOM? December 26, 1994 Things went to hell quickly today, and maybe writing will help me deal with this. I am 15 at this writing, and I think I am gay. My best friend Nick and I have been experimenting a little bit, but does that make us gay? Or just curious? I'm not sure. I like to see him with just his underwear on, and touching him is like holding a live electric wire. But the biggest thrill is when he touches me! I feel as though I will float away never to return, never to be beholden to the earth and it's rules! Nick's grandpa walked in on us kissing today. Not a deep kiss, no tongue, but he flipped. He started yelling in Italian and I left quickly. Nick just called and said we shouldn't be around each other anymore. I don't think I am in love, but this hurts so much! What else could it be? Am I too young to really understand just what love is and what power it has? These questions rule my mind and I feel so miserable, I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up, that all this pain and confusion would go away. Time for dinner. December 27, 1994 Its early morning, 2:30 to be exact, and my parents are at it again. They fight almost constantly and it seems as thought there is never any peace when they are together. I have heard my dad out in the backyard talking to the guys in the neighborhood that play basketball in the alley behind our house. That is a great spot, see it was paved over by my dad so we could have a real place to play hoop, and almost everyone within a ten block radius comes over to play, kids from school, guys from the public school that live around here, almost everyone. Those old enough to drive will cruise the end streets looking down the alley to see if a game is going on. When I go out to shoot foul shots the guy on the next block up hears the ball through his bedroom window and comes down almost straight away. There are a lot of rumors about him being gay, I wonder if I should talk to him? What am I saying, I'm not gay! Something just broke in the living room. Oh, Like I was going to say I heard my dad talking to people out in the alley about the stuff my mom says. He says she accuses him of sleeping with every woman he meets, that he has been cheating for years. He says it's driving him crazy. Mom is strange sometimes, but would she just make that stuff up? I mean she does say that, I've heard it through the walls late at night when they fight. She is always nagging him, why don't they just stop! My little brother, Drew sleeps in the bed across from me, oblivious to the storm in the living room. How I envy him right now! The door just slammed, someone left. I can hear my mother crying in the living room, then her steps as she goes to her room. I won't go in there, she'll just start telling me how bad my father is, and then completely change her tune and start telling me how good he is. I love my folks, and my dad IS really good, he does everything with me. He taught me how to play basketball, he always takes the guys who can't play on his team, he never let's me get away with cheap fouls, he is always there to push me to the next level. He started me on weights a few weeks ago, said some weight would help me not to get bumped around while in the paint. Going to bed. December 28, 1994 Dad never came home today. Mom has been calling all of her relatives, crying all day. Dad had the day off, he works for a local fishery. He works hard to put my brother and I through parochial school. He pays all the bills cause my mom doesn't work. I hope he is ok. I tried to call Nick, but he hung up on me as soon as he hears my voice. Why is he doing this? That isn't even the worst part, with the snow down now and everything sheeted in ice, someone threw an ice ball through our stained glass front window. My mom went out on the porch to see who did it and some kids were retreating down the street cat calling to her that her son is a queer, kick him out now. Nick. He must have said something to someone, he was probably in the group. Maybe even the one that threw the ice. This isn't fair! What have I done that was so wrong? Caring for someone, is that such a bad thing? I helped mom to put up cardboard and plastic over the hole in the glass, then we made hot cocoa and went to bed. But I can't sleep. Drew asked me what it means to be queer, and was I one? How do you answer that one? I don't even know what my feelings are, except that I am soo miserable and I feel utterly alone. My parents are so wrapped up in their problems that mine have disappeared, in fact they seem to have forgotten that Drew or I even existed. God, please take me, NOW! Away from this pain. How long do I have to do this? December 29, 1994 I'm not going back to school. I can't take it now when I'm not around people all the time, I can't imagine what it would feel like being at their mercy five days a week. I just got back from the supermarket. I got jumped on the bike trail while out trying to process my thoughts, kids calling me fag boy and butt ranger kicking and punching me. Most of the bruises are hidden, but I can't take it anymore. I tried to talk to my mother, but dad has been gone three days now and she can think of nothing else. With her so distracted I was able to sneak a bottle of vodka and some pain pills the doctor gave her after the surgery on her back. Supposed to be good stuff. I won't be stupid, though. I'll do this right. Drew is staying at a friend's house tomorrow night, and I will take two pills with each shot, then wait a few minutes before continuing. Then it will all be over. Funny I feel almost happy that I won't have to deal anymore. Should I leave a note to explain anything, or will anyone even care? Nah, no one will care anyway, fuck it. December 30, 1994 My plan has been delayed, goddamn it all. The biggest storm in three years just blanketed us and the roads were too slippery for Drew's ride, so he won't go till tomorrow. No word from dad yet, mom went to bed after lunch and hasn't come out. She gave me money to order pizza for Drew and I. She probably sees that I am gay, huh? Moms have that little sixth sense, don't they? She is probably so ashamed of me that she won't even come out till I have to go back to school, plus dad seems to have left for good. I can't believe this! One more night, once more and.....Jesus, why does this have to be so hard? Who cares whom I care about? Why is it a personal affront to them who I lust over, or if I want to date the captain of the football team, what right do they have? People at my school teach us that it's wrong in God's eyes, that homosexuality is why the city of Sodom was destroyed in biblical times. How can God hate one of his creations? I never had a choice in what I felt, why should even he judge me for something beyond my control, much less for trying to control something like this? In the military you get a medal for killing people, commendations and all sorts of glory. But as a civilian you get vilified because you have orgasms over the same sex? Orgasms are hardly the worst thing in the world, especially when compared to , say, Agent Orange? Fuck it, life isn't worth it. December 31, 1994 The police called this morning to have my mother identify a body. It was my father, shot himself to death. He....Oh, lord, he...put a nine millimeter in his mouth and......he blew off the back of his head. I will never get to say good bye to him, I will never get another good night hug, never get yelled at for a poorly thought out shot, never lift weights again with him. I will never get to do anything with him again. I am so angry with him, how could he? He left us all behind to deal with a life that no longer has a major component to it. I feel as though a piece of me has died, and I was thinking of killing myself? Drew cried himself to sleep in my arms tonight, he needed his big brother. What if I had succeeded last night? My mother is going out of her mind, what kind of shape would she be in with both of us gone? I can only shake my head as I think about what I almost did, not just to myself but to the people that I love as well. My uncle was over this evening and told me that my father was shaking up with some girl and that I should get my name changed to my mother's maiden name. No one wants the name of an adulterer. I told him he could wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first. Bastard. January 3, 1995 We buried my father today. They did a real good job making him look ok. It was closed casket, but I saw him before the viewing. I will never, ever forget you dad. I wish you were still here with me so I could hug you and tell you how much I love you. You don't know how much I would like for you to tell me how proud you are of me. I will be strong for you, dad. I promise. Nick was at the funeral. He told me how sorry he was about my dad, and about everything that had happened. He talked to his mom and told her what happened with his grandpa, and told her what his feelings for me were. He had feelings for me! He told me he would stick by me at school, no matter what. He also admitted to being the one behind the shit that happened recently, and said he would talk to my mom after everything settled down. Then he kissed me, in front of everyone! I felt confused, how could I feel so good with my father dead at the other end of the room? Nick stayed with me the whole day, and many people, in fact some of those that had taken their fists to me, showed up and expressed their apologies. It felt good to have my hand held. January 1, 2000 Wow, I can't believe this little diary made it so far. I cried all over again as I remember the hardest week of my life, and rereading my thoughts at the time still brings the memory to the front of my mind as if it were yesterday. The pain of losing someone never seems to get better, especially when they took themselves away from you. Nick and I didn't last, but that was ok, too. He is in the Army and still writes sometimes. Life has not been easy, and that time was particularly hard. I still was razzed and teased at school, but Nick did stick to his word on that, he was always there. I am in college now and you all should know, suicide is not the way out. There is always something better to come after the tough times, and there will be tough times ahead as well. This isn't a fairy tale, it's life. I still take the occasional lump for being who I am, but in the end I emerge stronger. And I never would have had the chance if I had shortchanged my mother and brother. I still miss my dad, though, everyday. And I never changed my name, dad. I had it tattooed on my back in six inch high letters and it gave Uncle Joe a conniption fit. I love you dad. This story is a work of fiction, based on real events. Comments are welcome at dabeagleywing@hotmail.com or visit my site at http://homestead.juno.com/y-wing/asmodean.html