Hello y’all. This is the second story I work on – the first one being Alex and Sebastian. I’ll place the link for that one below.

Hope you guys enjoy!

http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/college/alex-and-sebastian/

A fellow reader made a playlist with most of the songs I’ve either used or will use in the A&S series. I’ve given him full control as to whether he wants a new channel for this story or just to continue on the original one.  If y’all want to listen to the previous one while reading the chapters, the link for it is this:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJZWEUrY9KRSfQ98rYlMYix46VM0CJ7XS

Songs on YouTube:

Ashland Craft/Miranda Lambert - Tin Man

Ron Pope - You’re The Reason I Come Home

I will keep you posted if another link is created.

I updated my email to unfinishedthoughts013@gmail.com if you’d like to reach me!

Please don't forget to donate to nifty here, without which we wouldn't have this collection of great stories!

Every story is free on here, so please let's keep it that way and donate, guys.

http://donate.nifty.org/donate.html

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The Aftermath

Darren 

My birthday was this weekend. 17 years old. It should be a happy moment for me - a birthday comes once a year after all, but something just didn’t feel right. Honestly, I guess I knew what it was. Despite it having been such an awesome weekend for me, Micheal still hadn’t spoken to me since we’ve been back. I both pitied and hated myself for how much it broke my heart.

Even behind the infatuation I had begun to feel for him, I really enjoyed just being near him. Micheal was funny, and smart, and likeable and I - I just really missed his company. I know it was a stupid way to feel about a person but after that crazy Saturday night party, I was haunted by the potential for there to be so much more between us. 

On the fourth day back of having him give me fleeting hello’s across the hall, one word texts, and indisputingly avoiding me after practices, I had had enough. After finishing today’s practice, I waited until he was alone and made my way over to him.

“Hey, Michael, good rehearsal, huh?” I gave him a crooked smile - the best one I could muster - without feeling too fake.

He continued to pack his sheet music into his backpack without looking up. “Yeah,” he nodded. “It was great, Darren.”

My shoulders sagged a bit when I heard him say my name - he usually used a short, endearing nickname. “Yeah, yeah it was.” I was going to leave it at that and began to turn around. I was going to walk away … but my gut just told me to not leave it alone. So I squared my shoulders and held my ground.

“Michael, what’s going on?”

“What do you mean?” He threw his backpack over his left shoulder very nonchalantly, still avoiding my face.

"You won't even talk to me anymore,” I said, trying to make him meet my eyes. “You - you won't even look at me, man." I turned away and crossed my arms in front of my chest, afraid my eyes might reveal how hurt I actually was. "That sucks because … well, I thought we were becoming friends - close friends." I admitted with a small shrug.

"I'm sorry, D. I just - I can't get what happened at that party out of my head" He shifted around while brushing his hair back with his hand. “Look, I got my own problems going on already and I just – .“ He finally met my eyes and I saw his shoulders sag. "I - I'm embarrassed of what happened that night, dude. Afterwards, I kind of wish we hadn’t gotten that drunk, you know."

Embarrassed?

I was an embarrassing memory to him?

"Oh," I said, my stomach dropping when I understood he saw that night as a mistake. Like he’d rather it hadn’t happened.

He must have seen the hurt behind my eyes when he said that. "Wait. Sorry, I didn't mean it like that, D."

.

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man.

You don't know how lucky you are.

You shouldn't spend your whole life wishin'

For something bound to fall apart.

.

I shook my head, unwilling to show just how bad my heart hurt right this moment. "No, don't worry, man." I smiled and looked away from him, trying to find something in the room to focus on so I wouldn't let him see how wet my eyes were beginning to get. I nodded. "I know what you meant." I began walking backwards, mortified at how bad I had misread everything.

"Darren, wait," Michael called out for me.

But I couldn't wait.

My eyes stung as I stopped to look at him, barely keeping tears from falling.

"No, man, really. It's totally fine," I said although the burning in my eyes increased and I was feeling totally not fine. "I was drunk that night, too," I shrugged and tried for a smile that I was sure came out as more of a grimace. "I get it." The longer I stood there, the more unstable my heartbeat got – the more my feet threaten to give under me like a wobbling stack of Jenga blocks, absolutely certain to come crashing down.

All it would take was pulling on the wrong block.

"You do?" He asked, his eyes trying to scan mine and read my face

Sure. I got it.  

.

Every time you're feeling empty

Better thank your lucky stars.

If you ever felt one breaking

You'd never want a heart.

.

"Course," I said, looking down at my watch as an excuse to avoid his prying eyes. "Listen I have to go. Totally forgot I have basketball practice today before I go out of town for the weekend. I'll see you when I come back from Austin … or not, I guess." I turned around and began pacing away from him. The faster I could get away from him, the fewer pieces of my heart would be left near his feet.

"Darren -"

I didn't wait to hear what he would say next. It wouldn't matter anyway. There was nothing he could say that would make me forget how embarrassed he said he was of me. Nothing could take that bitter taste out of my mouth.

I began to jog as soon as I got off campus. My years of being in cross country instinctively making me sprint on the sidewalk.

.

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man,

You don't know how lucky you are.

I've been on the road that you're on.

It didn't get me very far.

.

Left. Right. Left. Right.

I wiped my eyes as my vision began to blur.

Don’t you fucking cry, I told myself.

Despite this very clear prayer, my cheeks grew warm from a trail of tears that had already begun to fall.

Still, I continued to run.

All I could think about as I ran was how I had made such a huge mistake. I had gotten too wrapped up in what had only been a drunken kiss – a dumb, naïve dream.

Letting myself get carried away with a stupid idea was so like me, though.

Of course, my brother wouldn't have been this stupid. To be so convinced that someone had feelings for me they never had was the grandest lie I could have ever made myself believe.

The longer I reviewed how juvenile and hopeful I had been at the thought that Michael might- that he might have felt…

I wiped my burning eyes again.

Oh, God, it was unutterable.

.

You ain't missing nothing

'Cause love is so damn hard

Take it from me, darling

You don't want a heart.

.

My bottom lip quivered and I slowed down. My head fell down as I walked along the side of the street.

"It's the rules," I remember he said at the party.

I kicked a rock on the sidewalk towards the street and thought about the way his voice had sounded - had I falsely heard eagerness in his voice? If I had, then my drunken heart had skipped a beat for nothing. I had read way too much into that night. I clenched my teeth as uncomfortably warm tears continued to slide down my right cheek and I used my sleeve to wipe them off.

Now he wouldn't even talk to me anymore. That drunken kiss embarrassed him so much he felt like he couldn't even talk to me. One of the best nights for me and he wished it hadn’t had happened.

What a shitty way to make someone you care about feel.

What an even shittier feeling it was to know we had such stark, contrasting memories of what I went to sleep thinking had been a "perfect night."

.

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man,

I'm glad we talked this out.

You can take mine if you want it.

It's in pieces now.

.

Looking around, I realized I had ran inside the park located three blocks away from campus. I didn't see anyone around. No kids, no families, not even any pets running around - the park seemed just as cold and abnormally vacant as I felt inside.

All the better to avoid prying eyes, I guess. I wiped away more tears that traced their way down my cheeks.

Having nothing else to do and nowhere left to run, I let myself fall on my ass next to the swings.

As I laid back on the cool steel, it seemed I couldn't stop the tears that rolled down my eyes. One after another, they continued to drop until my head grew too heavy from sadness.

I pulled my knees close to my chest and rested my head on top of them, silently hateful for letting myself get this attached.

.

By the way there, Mr. Tin Man,

If you don't mind the scars,

You give me your armor

And you can have my heart.

.

Still, no amount of self-hate or pity would take the words back or fix the way he looked at me.

So, I stayed there, on the grass by the swings, until there were no more tears falling down my face. I stayed there until the sun began to set and I felt the strange tightness that comes from puffy, tired eyes.

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The rest of my birthday weekend hadn’t gone much better. After a terribly quiet and boring ride up to Austin, I had been too bummed out to really spend time with my brother and Alex. Even when Alex tried to cheer me up with a stupid joke or goofy pun, my smiles were only half given. In an attempt to treat me out for my birthday, my brother insisted on us starting the night walking around 6th street with some friends and stopping by at a nearby karaoke pub. There’d be enough food, live music, and people to help me have a great birthday.

While walking around and listening to live music in Austin would normally be a good night for me, I was unable to bury the conversation I had with Michael. Still, I appreciated the sentiment and respectfully agreed to go out with them. About 30 minutes into our walk, two of my brother’s friends met up with us at a local pub: Manny, a 26 year old WellsFargo bank teller, and Sharon, a 25 year-old baker. Both of them showed up together and gave me a hug after wishing me a happy birthday.

I offered them a grateful smile in return and accepted the two gift bags they gave me. After having them insist I checked what was inside, I pulled out the gifts they held inside. One was a gift card for an undisclosed amount to Best Buy - a local, big name electronic store - and the other was a large coffee mug with a retro camera printed in front with large words on top reading: I shoot people.

For the first time today, a genuine smile stretched across my lips. I thanked them both and we all decided to head to where Alex was going to be performing tonight.

The place was called Crossroads and. From the parking lot, it seemed to be getting pretty busy. We all made our way to the front door with Alex and me walking at the end of the line.

A few feet from the door, I heard Alex call out to my brother in front of me.

"Hey, I’m just gonna take a quick smoke break, Jay, I’ll be right there, okay?”

“Sounds good, A. I’ll get us seats.”

I was barely making my way through the door when Alex held me back.

“Actually, Darren, would you mind joining me? I don’t want to stay out here alone.”

I shook my head. “Nah. Not at all.” Letting the door close behind me, I followed Alex.

He stopped a few feet away from the door and looked back at me. “Tell me, Darren, everything okay with you, bud?”

“What’s that?” I asked, catching up to Alex. “Yeah,” I nodded.

Alex nodded and turned to walk alongside me. “Ok, good. It’s just that you’ve been kinda out of it this whole weekend.”

“Oh, it’s, you know, school. It’s been kinda stressful the past few weeks with midterms and everything.”

Alex nodded but remained quiet as we made our way to the neighboring building. Reaching its stone steps, Alex walked up to the third row and looked at me after leaning on the stone edge. "Is that all that's been on your mind this weekend, Darren? School?”

I was about to repeat my answer when I locked eyes with him. Realizing Alex might understand, my shoulders sagged. "No," I confessed and stood near the first step.

"Then? Is it a girl?"

"No,” I shook my head without looking at him. “Not a girl, Alex." Looking at him, my eyes begged him to understand what I wasn't saying.

"Then? What else could -" It took a few seconds for Alex to connect the dots. He let out a small gasp, "Oh, not a girl. Gotcha."

I turned away and lowered my gaze, worried about where this conversation was headed.

An infinite silence followed until Alex finally spoke. "You know, it's not the end of the world if you're gay, Darren. Not anymore." He offered me a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"I know that, Alex. It's just - it still means people will treat me differently. The guys in the basketball team will treat me differently. I don’t want anything to change - I like it the way it is."

"Fuck those guys, D. Don't let them decide who you get to be."

"It's not just that bothering me, Alex. It's the guy I have a crush on. He's captain of our Emanon group."

"Well, that's a good sign." Alex offered me a small smile. "There's a good chance -"

"We hooked up," I interrupted, scared I wouldn't be able to talk about this at all if I shut up.

"Ok," Alex nodded and crossed his arms, thinking. "In that case, why are you moping around?"

I looked down at my feet, ashamed of what I was about to say next. "He - he has a girlfriend."

"Ah," Alex nodded, now understanding my dilemma. "And does she know?"

I looked up at Alex, not sure what he referred to. "Does she know what? That we hooked up?"

Alex gave a small chuckle. "No, not that. Does she know he's … you know, curious?"

"Oh," my cheeks flushed realizing how this all sounded. "No. No, she doesn't."

"'Course."

"Neither does this other guy I'm talking to."

"Another guy? Oh, ok. So, this isn't you asking me advice on how to come out, huh?"

I shook my head.

"This is you asking me what you should do about the two guys.."

I nodded, miserably.

"Darren, you know I can't tell you what to do." Alex placed his hands on my shoulders and gave me a small smile. "God knows, other than your brother, my past relationships have all failed miserably," he chuckled.

A small laugh escaped me, the first one since talking with Michael before coming up here.

Alex met my gaze and sighed. "Okay, sit down."

After sitting down on the steps, Alex pulled out a small vape pen and took a hit. He looked at me from the corner of his eye and smiled. "Want a hit?"

I nodded.

Alex passed me his vape pen and I took a long hit. The flavor hit me almost instantly and I began to cough a bit.

"It's GSC. Girl Scout Cookies. They have that down there?"

I shook my head and took another, much smaller, hit.

"Right." He nodded with a smile and took his pen back.

We stayed silent for a few more seconds just staring at the buildings in front of us.

Without warning, Alex took a deep breath and spoke. "His name was Sebastian."

I looked at him, confused as to what he meant.

Alex ignored my prying eyes. Instead, he took another hit of his pen and kept his gaze forward. "His name was Sebastian, Darren, and I was in love with him and your brother a couple years back."

I nodded and turned away from him, focusing my gaze on a lady walking her poodle across the street.

I knew about Sebastian. A little, at least. He and Alex had been going out for some time before my brother was in the picture. Then, for whatever reason, they had a huge fight and broke up. Alex and my brother, Jay, got together a couple months later and then they moved up to Austin. I hadn't heard anything about Sebastian since then from either Alex or my brother. I figured it'd be rude and none of my business to ask.

"Yeah. I know a little about him. My brother shared a bit."

From the corner of my eye, Alex nodded.

"I was head over heels for him. I - I believed we were meant for each other … but this world - it changes before you even have time to blink. Suddenly, everything that was once so familiar to you is just so, so different."

I couldn't help myself from sneaking a peak at Alex. I found him staring off at the skyline in front of him, not paying any attention to me. He was lost in a memory. I looked away from him and focused on the setting sun, too.

"I believed he was supposed to be my last love - the person I was meant to grow old with," he continued. "But maybe we met too soon or too late or we fucked everything up." He gave a small smile before continuing, one that hid a trace of sadness behind its fragile facade. "Yeah. I think it was that - I think we fucked everything up. We might have been perfect for each other but our lives just - they weren't compatible. Like, like trying to catch the wind in the palm of your hands," he gave a dry chuckle. "It's right there in front of you but just fucking impossible to catch." Alex shook his head and looked at me, his brown eyes glossy and tired, so tired.

I've never seen him look like this before.

I understood then that maybe there were some heart aches that never healed.

Looking down at my shoes, I gave a small nod. Right there in front of me and impossible to catch summed this up pretty well. For whatever reason, I had grown … attached to Michael. But that wasn’t the stupid part - the stupid part was that I had let a part of myself believe that he liked me back. I let myself believe that he liked me back the way Drew did.

Drew.

The guy who's been giving me clear signals about liking me.

Man, I've been such an idiot. I've been swooning for the guy who didn't want me back and losing out on the good guy who actually did.

"So you're saying that some people come into our lives that aren't meant to stay? Despite how much we want them to?" I asked, understanding that this heartache may not be pretty but it was a part of life - it was part of my life.

Alex took a quiet hit of his pen and simply nodded.

We stayed sitting on those steps for another few, quiet minutes. Neither of us spoke. We simply took comfort in each other's presence through the silence as the sun finished setting in front of us.

When it finally did, Alex spoke. "We should head back, Darren. I might be up any minute now," he said, slowly standing up and offering me his hand.

I took it and he helped pull me up. "Thanks," I said, brushing off dirt from my pants.

As we both walked back to Crossroad's, Alex spoke again.

"It wasn't all bad, you know."

I didn't speak. Instead, I simply raised my brows and looked at him, expecting him to continue.

"I mean, yes, it broke my heart. It broke me … but it also gave me the chance to meet your brother." Alex's eyes seemed to brighten at this. "And he's made me the happiest I've ever been. I wouldn't change it for the world."

We stopped in front of Crossroad's and Alex faced me again. He placed both his hands on my shoulders and gave me a warm, caring smile. "Keep your head up, Darren. I'm sure you'll figure out what's best for you."

I nodded back and offered him the best smile I could muster. "Thanks, Alex."

We walked inside Crossroad's and walked back to the booth my brother and their friends were in.

"Hey, guys. Everything alright?"

"Everything's fine, Jay." Alex went and sat next to my brother who draped his arm around his neck.

"Good," my brother smiled and kissed Alex's temple. "Cause it looks like you're up, A."

I took a seat next to Manny, one of my brother's UNIV friends as Alex made his way upstage after they called his name a few minutes later.

As Alex adjusted himself, I realized it had been forever since I had last seen him perform and, despite my own troubles, I couldn't wait to hear him again.

Alex's introduction was interrupted for me when my phone vibrated. My heart jumped at the mere thought of it being Michael texting me. That small jump was followed by an uneasy drop when I saw that it wasn't him. Still, I opened the text I now saw belonged to Drew.

"Hope you're having a great one over at your brother's. Happy birthday, Darren. Can't wait for you to be back to give you your present. :)"

I closed my phone and smiled as Alex began strumming his guitar.

.

"Watching you watching me,

A fine way to fall asleep.

The neighbors fight,

As we both rest our eyes."

.

Alex's voice echoed around the room. Gradually, the background chatter began to ebb until only Alex and his guitar could be heard.  

I smiled when I realized it wasn't just me who was impressed with Alex's talent.

A tender warmth spread inside my chest as I listened to the softness of Alex's voice. I didn't need to ask, but I knew this song was about my brother. How else could Alex make his voice sound so delicate and infatuated?

.

"Paper doll silhouettes,

Fingertips on window glass;

The street's asleep,

So I breathe you in deep."

.

Although extremely talented, I was sure Alex's feelings for my brother was the fuel that made his voice sound so endearing and beautiful.

I thought about Michael then. It was bitter to think that we wouldn't be able to speak or hangout like we used to. All this over a stupid kiss at a drunken party.

Even thinking back to it caused me to feel nauseous. Not for the reasons people would think, either. It wasn't the booze that made my stomach turn, no, it was how great and perfect the night had been. It made me ill thinking how Michael felt about that night.

If I had ran the opposite direction, maybe everything would have been like it was. Maybe it wouldn't feel like I had just lost a friend.

.

"And for a long time, I remember,

Saying prayers for something perfect,

Saying prayers for someone kind.

It's in my head,

We're spinning circles down the avenues instead."

.

Still, thinking more on it, this might be a good thing. At least now I knew what he really thought about … well, about everything.

I popped out my phone again and texted Drew back thanking him and letting him know how excited I was to go back to see him, too.

I couldn't make Michael like me the way I liked him … but I didn't have to. Drew already liked me and I liked hanging around him, too.

The way Alex looked at my brother pulled at my heartstrings. I didn't want to waste any more time fawning over someone who I didn't matter to. I wanted someone to look at me the way Alex looked at my brother - the way my brother looked back at Alex.

.

"You're the reason I come home.

You're the reason I come home, my love.

You're the reason that when everything I know falls apart...

Well, you're the reason I come home."

.

Alex's voice weaved so beautifully and so tenderly with his guitar as he sang. God, he was so good. With a final, carefully rung out strum, he finished his song. Most, if not all, of the people listening clapped. None clapped as loud or as enthusiastically as my brother, though.

Alex hadn't even gotten to the table yet before my brother jumped up and wrapped his arms around him.

"That was amazing, A!"

"Thanks, Jay,” Alex laughed. “It wasn't hard with you sitting on the front row." He smiled and leaned forward, placing a small kiss on my brother's lips.

I turned away, not because I was uncomfortable but, I guess, because I was jealous.

I blinked my thoughts away when I felt myself receive another text:

"Good, there’s something I’ve actually been wanting to ask you for a while. I’ll wait till you get back, have fun!”

A small smile escaped me as I re-read Drew’s text message.

“I’d know that smile anywhere.”

Abruptly closing my phone, I looked up to see my brother smiling back at me.

“Who’s the lucky girl, bro?” Jay asked.

I shoved my phone in my pocket and smiled back, embarrassed. “It’s nothing,” I said, not convincingly, I should add. Still, I continued, “Just a classmate.” I noticed Alex give a small nod. He must have an idea on the classmate, I was sure.

“Well, I’m glad to finally see a smile on that face, D.” My brother reached across the table and shook my shoulder making me break into another smile.

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, pushing his hand away with a laugh. “I’m ready to go back to the apartment and have my cake now.”

“Sounds good,” Alex chimed in. “We can finish this round and head back.” While everyone else agreed and drank from their beer, Alex looked at me and shot me a nonchalant, yet knowing smile.

Maybe the whole aftermath of this experience didn’t have to be all bad, I decided as I drank from my water.