Date: Wed, 13 Jan 1999 21:50:35 PST
From: "blue ." <blue_dude@hotmail.com>
Subject: [TEEN] Feelings- Ch.1 Obsession and three wishes

This is my first attempt at writing a story, so I'd appreciate feedback
and comments;  however, flames shall not be acknowledged, keep them to
yourself.  This is the first chapter of the story and I have mostly
focused on a little characterization so don't expect any sordid sex just
yet, you might get lucky on the second chapter though - so might Jeremy!

This story is intended for exclusive posting at the Nifty Archive,
please respect my decision. Please do not read it if you know you
mustn't.

You can reach me at blue_dude@hotmail.com Enjoy.

12 January 1999

Feelings

by Blueguy


I. Obsession and three wishes.

Rude rays of light broke into my bedroom as my alarm clock went off at 7
am. For a few moments, dreams lingered in my mind, and I tried to hold
on to them, enjoying the soft murmur of the nearby sea. Soon
enough, though, reality seeped in, the oppressive truth already familiar
to me. Only two months had passed since my parents died in a plane
crash,  but it already seemed like a lifetime to me. So much had changed
in those few weeks.

Sighing, I crawled out of bed, untangling my legs from the mass of
rumpled blankets and headed to the bathroom. The sun shined through the
skylights, but did nothing for my dark mood. Reluctantly I inspected
myself in the mirror and the face that stared back was foreign to me. My
brown hair looked dull and lanky, contrasting sharply with my pale
complexion; eyes that had usually sparkled with unruly shades of green
now looked deep brown, framed by dark undereye circles. Although I was
barely 17, lines had started to form around my eyes and across my
forehead, signs of recent pain. At 6' I stood tall and confident,
however, the body I had once kept trim and muscular was starting to
loose it's appeal. No surprise, as weeks had passed since my last jog.
Not that I cared much about any of this. I stared thoughtfully into my
eyes, remembering my mother's comments.

"The girls will flip," she'd say with a smile. I'd smile back, but
quickly dismissed her words. Even though people frequently commented on
my looks, I honestly never paid much attention to them. I don't consider
myself a vain person. Plus, I didn't really care whether the girls found
me attractive or not. It was the boys that mattered. My eyes quickly
clouded over, and I impatiently wiped tears away.

After a quick shower I went into my wardrobe and tried to decide what to
wear. Although I have never cared much about clothes, that day I figured
I might as well try to look my best. Summer vacation was over and it was
back to school now. I finally settled on blue pants, loose enough so the
waistband of my boxerbriefs showed, a white tee-shirt and black Adidas
sneakers.

Running into the kitchen I fixed myself a cup of bitter coffee from the
gurgling percolator and immediately lit a cigarette. Yeah, Marlboro and
Folgers were my best buddies these days, so was Jack Daniels. "Quite
screwed up for a 17 year old," I mused. Sighing I snatched my tote bag
and headed off to another year of school.

*********************************************************************

"You OK Jeremy?," asked Jason, my best friend.

"Sure," I replied, smiling bravely; I hate being weak, especially in
front of others. His clear green eyes looked at me sympathetically. I
had known Jase  forever,  he was the most important person in my life.
Our mothers had been high school buddies and I guess we were carrying on
with the tradition. I trusted him more than anyone else in the world,
but I still hesitated to show any emotion.

"You can tell me, you know," he said as he steered through traffic. I
looked at him, and his presence was comforting. His honey blond hair
gleamed in the sun, brushing his broad shoulders; the tight tank top he
wore hugged taut flesh, rippling over his firm abs. Tufts of dark hair
peeked mischievously from his armpits, soft and musky. I knew that
underneath the fabric of his baggy shorts lay a medium-sized dick,
nestled between big balls; Jase never wore underwear. Yep, he was a
babe. We had had oral sex for the first time when we were both 13 -- I
was still a virgin in the anal department -- and had done it regularly
until the previous year. Then Jase decided he was bi and started dating
girls. I didn't really mind, he was still my friend and I could always
turn to him; my love for him was brotherly rather than sexual. Plus, we
still hugged and kissed sometimes, maybe when one (or both) of us needed
it and that's all I wanted from him: I
consider friendship as way more important than sex, and felt lucky to
have Jason as my best buddy.  So  far his relationships with girls had
gone nowhere, and that made me sad. They didn't know what they were
missing.

"Yeah, I know kiddo. Thanks".

"No problem." Jase had suffered at least as much as I had when my
parents died. His hardly saw his own parents as his old man was a pilot
and his mom a flight attendant. I had always kind of shared my own
parents with him, he had called them "mum" and "dad' even; when they
died, a part of Jase had gone with them, but he never let it show, he
had swallowed his own pain to rescue me from my own.

"Actually, you're looking a bit better now. More lively. More like the
cutie I once knew," he said  naughtily as he parked at the far end of
the school lot.

"Shut up, asswipe," I giggled, blushing.

"But it's true! You do look better. Good enough to eat." And with this
he pounced onto my lap and started tickling me mercilessly.

"Get off!," I protested  as I laughed. "Stop it, Jase, STOP!" Of course
my complaints were unsuccessful so I started tickling him back, brushing
my fingertips over his velvet armpits, feeling his strong chest shudder.
Soon we were both exhausted and out of breath, sweaty in the hot day.
Jason was still sitting on my lap, grinning goofily. He glanced down at
my crotch and raised an eyebrow.

"So, you did enjoy that, huh? Part of you did anyways," he laughed
happily.

"Look who's talking," I retorted, placing my hand between his legs and
feeling his hard cock underneath the cloth. Deftly, I undid his zipper
and let my fingers slide into his shorts; I gently tugged at his curly
pubic hair, making my way to his throbbing shaft. I rubbed him lightly
and he groaned.

"Hmm, what would Karen think of this?" I teased. It had been almost a
year since I had last touched him there, and it still felt good. Karen
was Jason's latest girl, a bleached blond whom -- in my personal opinion
-- only wanted to get laid with him. She still hadn't managed though and
I was glad, she didn't deserve him. Feeling his large cockhead pressing
against my palm,  I sighed, withdrawing my hand. "We agreed," I reminded
myself. Still, I was reluctant. He was so hot.

"Karen who?," he joked. "Seriously though, I don't mind a little action,
it's just that I want to give my straight side a shot. But that's *hard*
to do with you around." He winked.

"It's OK, we've been through this and I'm cool with it. I'd be so happy
if you found a gal who did it for you. Just remember that, when it gets
right down to it, there's nothing like a man." I was only half joking.
I meant the first bit. Really. I wanted him to be truly happy.

"I may be wasting my time. Deep down, I know you'll always be my babe,"
he said, and pecked me lightly on the lips. A wave of emotion surprised
me and I hugged him tightly. He returned my embrace, and we just hung on
to each other for a while; I felt like a child, resting my chin on his
strong shoulders. Tears brimmed around my eyes so I shut them tightly;
Jase, however, sensed my struggle and sighed.

"It's OK J. I know you don't like to seem weak, but you know better than
trying to pretend when you're with me. I know you too well."

I remained silent, and Jason sighed again.

"Look, just know that I'll always be here for you, okay?"

"Right," I smiled tightly. Jason looked straight into my eyes, and I
could feel pain in those deep green pools. I looked away guiltily. I had
always been myself around Jase, but since the accident I had withdrawn
even from him.

Reality kicked in.

"Shit, we're gonna be late. Let's get going," I checked my watch,
letting go of him. Jason looked at me one more time before getting out.
I knew he was hurt, but I couldn't afford to break down. Not now.
Looking around, I was relieved to confirm that nobody had seen our
little romp. Good.

"Hey dude, we can go to the beach later if you like. Go skinny dipping.
That is, if there's any of you left after Karen gets hold of you," I
said, trying to lighten his mood.

"Maybe," he replied, looking down. Fine.

Walking down the hall, we were soon joined by Karen.  Actually, that's
an understatement. She spotted Jase from the very end of the hallway and
sprinted towards him like a lovesick rabbit, waving her hands in the air
and squealing like a pig. She toppled into him, practically ending up on
the floor. Geez.

"Wheee, it's, like, so totally great to see you. Where have you been
these days, like, did the earth swallow you?," she babbled. Spotting me,
she visibly tried to pull herself together. "Oh hi, Jeremy, so look, I'm
like so sorry about your parents. Jasi-pooh told me all about it and I,
like, couldn't believe it. So sorry." She fluttered her eyelashes and
looked at me expectantly.

"Erm, yeah, thanks Karen. You're very kind," I blurted, glancing at
Jase: he was still staring at the floor. Honestly, what did he see in
her. "Excuse me. I'd better be going. See you around Karen. Jase, I'll
catch you later, OK. Bye." I turned around and walked to class.

To my dismay, word about the accident had spread quickly enough; I soon
got tired of people whispering as I walked by, their eyes on me all the
time. I felt extremely uncomfortable as people I barely knew came up to
me and offered support; I just smiled at them.

Jase had football practice after class, so I decided to walk home. I
stopped by The Blue Room, a little self-service cafe near home which I
regularly frequented when I needed to be alone.  I paid for a cup of
coffee and, snatching a couple of newspapers from the counter, made my
way towards the back of the cafe. It was almost deserted except for a
few businessmen babbling into mobile phones and some girl I vaguely
remembered seeing in class; she sized me up suggestively and licked her
lips. Ignoring her, I quickly made
my way to a corner booth at the back of the cafe; I sat down and turned
to the newspaper. Soon my mind started wandering.

This was my last year of school and had better figure out what I wanted
to do with myself. I was used to good grades in all subjects, that was
not a problem, but I still didn't have a clue about what I wanted to
study in college. I had been terribly depressed for the past few months,
but I figured I'd better grab the reins sometime soon if I was to get on
with my life. Mostly, though, I felt alone. I needed someone in my life,
more desperately than I cared to admit. I do not consider myself a
dependent person (I like to think so,  anyway) but at that time I felt
sick of being by myself. I knew it was stupid, but I needed to give
love, I had to fill the gap my parent's death had left in my life.

Sure, I had Jason, but he was just a friend (despite the frisky little
episode that morning, I managed to smile), a brother even. I'd rather
have him as a friend than a lover, even though those two terms should be
synonyms.  Plus, he seemed to be pretty serious about giving girls a
chance (bleh!, in my opinion), and I respected his decision. I also knew
that it would probably be in our best interests to get out, get to know
new people.

Only problem: I tend to be defensive, I don't particularly like letting
anyone get close to me in an emotional sense. I know I'm a complicated
person. I always try to hide my true feelings, pretending to be calm,
cool and collected when deep inside I'm boiling with confusion and
passion. I don't really know why I do it, I just can't help myself; I
very rarely open up to people. Jase had always been the person I shared
myself with, but right then I was reluctant to let even him in because I
didn't want to hurt him. Believe me when I say that I know of the power
of my inner demons; when I feel invaded, I lash out without considering
the consequences..  Some people think I'm cold and unfeeling, but that's
far from the truth; just because I prefer to hide my true feelings
doesn't mean I don't care, deep down I'm too afraid of being hurt yet
again. But that tends to keep most people away from me.

The coffee was nearly gone when I sensed someone approaching; I sighed,
expecting the girl from class. I was wrong.

I had never seen him in school. He was quite tall, 6'2" maybe. Extremely
light blond hair sparkled in the dim light; at medium length, it looked
slightly messy, with longish strands that brushed his forehead, framing
the most beautiful face I had ever seen. His skin was slightly tanned
with a peachy glow, and it looked soft
and smooth, healthy. His eyebrows were perfect arches, and a shade
darker than his hair; I couldn't make out the color of his eyes, but I
was guessing blue.  His jeans looked faded and well-worn, a white
tee-shirt covering his thin upper body; no bulging muscles there, but
certainly that did not matter to me. He was truly gorgeous.

My heart raced as I looked at him for seconds that stretched painfully.
I couldn't think, my breath caught as he glanced around, biting his
lower lip. Our eyes met for a short moment -- very blue -- before he
looked away and sat at a table not far from mine. I just gawked.

Unaware of my wantonness, the guy sipped his drink. He seemed to be a
million miles away, staring off into space, apparently lost in thought.
There was something about him I couldn't quite place,  he radiated
vulnerability, seemingly unaware of his physical beauty and the exterior
world. He was probably a year younger than me, but he seemed to be
strangely confident. He was an image of innocence and, at the same time,
of extreme composure, a reflection of contrasts. Or maybe it was just
me.

Tearing my eyes away from him, I lit a cigarette and tried to breathe
normally. I couldn't believe the way in which this guy affected me. I
felt incredibly childish, falling for someone in the space of twenty
seconds. Still, I couldn't help myself.

"Please, let's not get out of hand here" my self-defense mechanism
promptly kicked in. "Honestly, how can you be so immature. Stop acting
like some pre-pubescent girl and collect yourself." Right. I tried to
return my attention to the newspaper. Better. After reading the same
line three times, I peeked out of the corner of my eyes just as he
turned my way, apparently leaving his dream world for a moment. Our eyes
met again, and locked. Blushing deeply, I looked away as I tried to stop
my fluttering heart from beating it's way out of my chest. Frantically,
I picked up the paper and hid behind of it. So much for being cool.
These feelings were a first for me.

After a couple of minutes I worked up the nerve to look at him again.
Casually glancing around, I discovered that he had finished his coke and
was getting up. My heart plummeted as he walked out without looking
back. At the same time I couldn't help noticing his great ass. My
spirits sank as my mouth watered, I drank up  his incredible body and at
the same time chided myself for being so lame. My mind and my senses
bubbled in confusion. I didn't know whether to sit there and finish
reading, pretending that nothing had happened or to run after him and
throw myself at his feet. "Control" I thought. Yeah right. I sat still
for maybe half a second before bolting up and chasing after him. Too
late. He was gone.

Swearing to myself, I stood outside the cafe  for a few moments. Stupid,
stupid, stupid. I should have made up an excuse to talk to him, at the
very least find out his name. I'd probably never see him again, not very
surprising with my luck. Not that it mattered, as I'd probably scare him
away the moment I opened my mouth.

My mood got even worse when I got home and discovered that there was no
one there. Then I remembered the accident, something that had been
pushed to the back of my mind as soon as I first lay my eyes on Mr.
Someone. My older sister, Chloe, officially was my guardian; in reality
I hadn't heard from her for ages, the last time I'd seen her was at the
funeral. Chloe had moved down to California -- she wanted to be an
actress -- when she was only 15, never cared much about my parents; at
23, she'd already been married once, her life a bigger mess than my own.
She did know about me being gay, and approved; I admit I love her, she
always cared about me, and trusted me enough to let me live alone (her
mistake). She checked on me once in a while, and sent money. Not that I
needed it, my parents had been quite well off and I had access to a bank
account that had been set up after the accident.

After I managed to burn my dinner, I grabbed a bottle of whisky and went
up to the widow's walk on the third floor of the house, feeling worse
than ever. The sky was dark with thick clouds and night, thunder
rumbling in the distance. I looked at the sea, boiling violently
hundreds of feet below me. I wondered what it would be like to fall,
never have to feel again. I closed my eyes and was relieved when I saw
those blue eyes in my mind. Rain started pouring down, mingling with
uninvited tears that traced my cheeks. Alone, I was
able to let go, be my true self. I kept picturing that angelic face,
those lost eyes. I moaned to myself, feeling miserable. I wept quietly,
remembering my parents. How could everything gone so wrong?

After a while I opened my eyes. Most of the whisky was gone, so I
dropped the glass over the railing and watched as it smashed on the
rocks below. Shattered. Its shards seemed to cut my soul. Feeling
drained, I made my way back inside. Teddy Bear, my cat, was stretched
out on my pillow, and I was grateful for his company. Shivering, I
gulped down some more liquor straight from the bottle before dropping
into bed. I fell into deep sleep.

"Jeremy, wake up." I awoke to find Jason staring at me. He looked at the
bottle of whisky, his green eyes flashing with disgust. "Goddamit. What
the hell are you doing with that. Never mind, get ready. We're late".

I was too groggy to protest; my stomach felt queasy and I had a
splitting headache, courtesy of last night's efforts. I hurriedly
showered while Jase got me some coffee. He stood silently as I got
dressed, for once not making any wise remarks about seeing me naked; he
winced as I lit up a cigarette and chewed on dry aspirin.

"You should try to get a grip on yourself, you know. Drinking isn't
going to solve your problems," he preached.

"Fuck off. I never asked you to save me," I said cruelly.

Shock and hurt registered on his face; shoving a mug of coffee into my
hands, he stalked out of my bedroom. I had never before been so harsh
with Jason, but I was beyond control. "He'll live," I muttered.

Driving to school, Jase wouldn't look at me, and I didn't care, I felt
too damn miserable to care. It seemed as though the guy from the cafe
had somehow brought out the worst in me, weeks of painful healing gone
down the drain. Of course I knew I couldn't blame him, I just needed an
excuse to allow stifled feelings to resurface.  I was still thinking
about him when Karen came bounding towards us in the parking lot. I
groaned, and Jason looked at me angrily.

"Hey Jeremy. Hi handsome." She grabbed Jason's arm and tugged him
towards her; Jase didn't complain.

"Hey baby," he said, pulling her close and kissing her hungrily on the
lips, quite unusual as Jase for some reason didn't like me seeing his
makeout sessions. I didn't care though. I looked at them blankly for a
few moments before excusing myself. Neither replied.

Hours seemed to drag by as I sat endured my classes, my attention
wandering all of the time. Jason was in a couple of them, sitting next
to me as usual, but he chose to ignore me. I was too preoccupied with my
daydreams to care or feel offended. I had already decided that I'd try
to find the guy and at least try to talk to him. I struggled to adopt a
reasonable attitude, knowing that surely nothing would come out of the
unlikely possibility of finding him. In my mind, chances of him being
gay were slim to none rather than one in ten. But that didn't seem too
important right then; I just needed to understand why he had stirred me
in such a way. I had seen better looking guys before -well not really,
but still.- and, apart from drooling over them for a while, I had never
been affected by them. Certainly I had never become obsessed with any of
them.

And, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this was
nothing short of an obsession. My feelings towards this person, this
stranger I'd never even talked to, widely surpassed the limits of
physical attraction; he was cute, yeah, but there was something about
him that I couldn't quite grasp that disturbed me beyond belief
(evidently not love, that was impossible). I didn't like that one bit. I
needed to talk to him, then maybe I'd be able to get a grip on myself.
That's the way I liked it. I had to find him first, though.

As soon as the last bell rang I rushed out of school and practically ran
to the cafe, the most obvious place to hunt him down. I got a cup of
coffee and a pack of cigarettes, then settled down in my booth to wait.
I got out my notebook and a pen, and started doing free association,
something I really enjoy. Helps me clear out my mind. After an hour and
three pages, my hand began to cramp and still no signs of him.
Discouraged, I waited for a while longer, then went home.

That night I finished off the bottle of JD, pacing on the widow's walk,
my favorite place on earth. Growing up, I had always loved going up
there and looking out into the sea, or maybe the surrounding woods. It
was my niche, the place I went to when I needed to sort myself out, and
that night was no exception. I looked at the stars and talked to them in
half drunken stupor; for a while, I cried, strange tears with no real
reason or meaning. Before long I was feeling a drained, so I decided to
go to bed. I looked at the sky for one last time and was suddenly moved
as I saw a bright shooting star scarring the night for an instant. Then
it was gone. Overwhelmed by the timing, I made three wishes. I asked for
my parent's peace, for Jase's happiness. You can probably guess what the
third one was.

I undressed as I stumbled down the stairs, stripping down to my boxers.
I removed these too and dove into bed; Teddy was not around. I pictured
blue eyes as I drifted off.

The next morning I woke up earlier than usual, feeling a bit more
refreshed. I took my time getting ready, then carried a cup of coffee to
the back porch where I settled to wait for my buddy. Looking out into
sea, I was surprised to realize that I felt almost normal again; the
confusion of the last few days appeared to have melted, leaving me
drained but with no long-term scars. I looked back and rationalized my
emotions, dismissing the event in the coffee shop as nothing more than a
simple -- yet intense -- obsession, probably a  reaction to the pain I'd
been subject to in the past months. I almost laughed as I thought of my
recent stupidity. I was back in control again, and I relished the
feeling, vowing to keep it that way.

Jason never showed up, so I drove my own car -- a red Ford convertible --
to school. It was a five minute drive, and as I sped down Oceanside Road I
relaxed, feeling the cool sea breeze in my face.

I chose to park in the back lot, and was surprised to see Jason's own
car there; he normally was too lazy to leave his wheels this far from
the building. I spotted him and was pleased, as this was the perfect
opportunity to talk to him, maybe make up.

"Hey Jase," I called, smiling brightly. He looked up at me emptily.

"Yes?"

"Look, dude, I'd like to say I'm sorry about yesterday. I know I was
really unkind to you, but..."

"Not now Jeremy. I'm waiting for Karen, said she had to see me. Us,
actually."

"Uh, OK, then, maybe later?" I looked at him expectantly.

"Sure," he said. Uh-oh, he was still mad.

Karen fluttered into sight right then, looking more artificial than
ever. She said hi to me, then turned to Jason and kissed him briefly; he
hugged her.

Karen eventually pulled away. "So look, I'd like to introduce you both
to my cousin Tommy. He just moved in from Florida, living here now. He's
only 16 but I really want you guys to be friends with him. He's so
totally out of it here, been around for a week and hasn't made any
friends. Yeah so he's kinda strange but he's OK, hey, there he is,
TOMMY!!!" she screeched.

I looked over my shoulder and almost dropped dead. The guy from the cafe
was walking towards us, looking hesitant. My heart started pounding
mercilessly.

"Tommy, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend Jason," Karen said
importantly. They shook hands. "And this is Jason's best buddy, Jeremy."

I didn't notice Tommy shyly offering me his hand, I was too busy staring
into those eyes.

"Erm, Jeremy...," Karen started.

"Oh, sorry. I'm Jeremy, pleased to meet you," I squeaked, finally
falling back to earth. I took his hand and shook it. My self-control
resolve was quickly waning.

"I'm Thomas," he replied, and I nearly fainted at the sound of his
voice. If he recognized me, he didn't let on.

"OK, good. Tommy is new here, he's starting school today, so he needs
someone to show him around. I'd do it myself, but I guess that he'd be
embarrassed, having his older cousin baby-sitting him, so it's up to you
guys. Hope you don't mind?," she asked hopefully.

"Actually, I'm all tied up right now. Got an early football meeting. But
I'm sure that Jeremy won't mind showing Tommy around. Right J?" Jason
turned to me coolly.

I tried to answer but my mouth was bone dry, I finally pulled myself
halfway together. "Sure. No problem," I croaked. "Come on. What's your
name again?" I asked, trying not to sound eager and feigning detachment.

As we made our way into school, I looked back at Jason. He was staring
at me strangely.

II.  Waiting for a star to fall.

tbc

What do you think?! Email me at blue_dude@hotmail.com