Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2009 12:58:01 -0500
From: J Bark <jbark217@gmail.com>
Subject: Friends in Love 1

      Sunday afternoon was what I looked forward to the most; it was the
time that I spent with a guy from my church. I wasn't sure but I thought
perhaps he was gay but I didn't know. I just enjoyed hanging out with
him. During the summer my youth group went to a youth conference that I
loved, and it was my last year. Going to college I wasn't sure if I could
attend again. Up there I found myself hanging around one particular guy and
he hung around me.
      The only problem with this was I'm 18 and going to college, and he
was just turning 14 and going to High school. I've never found myself
attracted to anyone so young but this one had a charm that I just couldn't
resist. Well as the summer ended and school started I still attend my
church, and I began to invite Michael with me to hang out, no intentions
other than just spending time together. Occasionally someone else would go
with us but most times it ended up just being the two of us.

***I fall to sleep thinking of you
You never know just how much I care
I dream the night all the way through
My feelings for you, if only I could share***

            Amen.
            I moved out of my pew and toward the exit as I was greeted many
of my church family. My youth director was one of the first to attack me
asking me if I was going to be at youth group and other random questions. I
eventually shook her off and rounded the corner toward the exit and my
car. As I turned the corner Michael nearly walked into me, he was good at
that. As I jumped my memory flashed back to all the many other times that
he had been able to do that. He smiles as I jumped and started to make a
comment about scaring me when I cut him off.
            "So what are you doing?" I smiled and gave him a shot with my
eyes that warned him against saying anything about scaring me.
            "Nothing, what are you doing today?" he looked at me and gave
me the smile that I couldn't resist, as if he knew that it would melt me.
            "Nothing really, Why? I tried returning the smile but I don't
know if it was nearly as entrancing as his was for me which I doubt.
            "Would it be possible for you to take me to the mall?" He
looked at me questioningly, so I decided to tease him.
            "Oh so you just want to use me now?" I looked at him mock
angry. I watched as his smiling face slid into shock.
            "No, no, its cool I mean hanging out with ya is cool; we don't
have to go to the mall, let's just hang out."
            I began to laugh. "C'mon guy, I will take you where ever you
need to go." We walked out the exit together and got into my car. I pulled
out of the parking space and out on to the road. "So what do you need to do
at the mall?" I glanced over as I was driving. He seemed nervous and a
little fidgeting.
            "Well I do want to look at a CD, but I just wanted to get out
of the house and away from my family. Please don't be mad." He spoke that
all in a rush and I don't know why he was scared.
            "Michael, you know me better than that. There is no way that I
would be mad at you for something like that. You can come to me any time
you need, to talk or just to get away. There is no reason to be embarrassed
or worried that I'll say no. Even if I can't quite get there then I will
talk to you. Do you understand that?" I was driving and I couldn't quite
pay attention to his face but I heard him sniffle and as I glanced over at
him I saw him wipe a tear away.
            "Why..." He sniffled again "Why can't everyone be more like
you." I pulled into a parking space at the mall.
            "Not everyone can be as amazing as me; if that was so then I
wouldn't be amazing." I smiled at him and he just looked at me and
smirked. "But, seriously talk to me buddy, I'm here for you." He didn't
understand my reasoning for wanting to be so nice but I had fallen for him
there was nothing else I could do.
            "Mostly my brother, I don't think he cares." He was looking at
his lap.
            "I'm sure he cares he just has a funny way..." He cut me off
mid sentence shaking his head.
            "He cried when his best friend went off early to Basic, and
again when he almost wrecked his car with his girlfriend in the passenger
seat." He paused so I began to talk.
            "Well I don't think that means he doesn't" He cut me off again
not angrily but he cut me off all the same.
            "Do you know what he said when he went into the ditch nearly
wrecking with me in the car because he was driving like an idiot? He looked
at me and said 'your alright, please don't tell mom and dad about this' he
doesn't care."
            "Oh, I see what you're talking about, well let me tell you like
this, he is your brother and he is 18 and he thinks he is far to mature to
be the best big brother that you need. I can't make up for him being an
asshole, but I think that all siblings go through that on some level. When
I was little my sister tied panty hose around my head and slammed my head
onto a vanity desk. So you see..." This made him laugh which was a good
sign, I knew that I may have lessened the pain a little bit, but I could
never take away the feeling that a sibling doesn't love you.
            "I'm glad you're my friend, Caleb. At least I get to see what a
real brother should be like. If you have younger brothers their lucky..."
My heart did triple back flips for the boy at this point, he had sucker
punched me and I hadn't even been prepared.
            "Well just remember that I will always be here for you,
anything, anytime, anywhere." I passed him a piece of paper that I had just
scribbled my cell number down on.
            "Thanks Caleb, I won't forget it."

***The help I give you Cannot compare to the joy you bring me If only your
love I could pursue A light for us I want to see***

            We got out of the car and walked up to the mall and we were
both quite, and I felt an awkward silence coming up. So I tried to avoid it
by bumping into him as we walked, he was still a little shook up and I knew
it. He looked up smiling and he shouldered me back playfully. I reached my
arm around him and gave a tight squeeze, reassuring the fact that I was
there for him. He smiled and gripped my hand. I took my arm off and we
walked into the mall, heading for the music store.
            I hate his kind of music, I will be the first to say that, but
I stood there looking like I knew exactly what songs which band sang and I
was interested in them. But he found his CD and we walked to the register.
            "Hey Guy" the guy at the front desk was a friend of mine and
his name was Guy.
            "Hey Caleb, how ya been long time no see!" He smiled as he slid
the CD across the scanner.
            "Yea, I quit that hell hole a few months back, couldn't stand
working for that jerk anymore."
            "I understand that, I don't even work there and every time I go
by there he isn't very nice, oh and that will be $14.78 for the CD."
            Michael pulled out his wallet and filtered through the papers,
and pulled out a ten, and kept filtering and I saw his hand tremble a
little bit.
            "Hey Guy, can you still give that amazing discount you used to
give me?" I smiled and gave him a wink, just like in the old days.
            "Oh, yea sure anything for ya!" He went back to the screen and
keyed in a few combination of keys and numbers flashed across the
screen. The total flashed a new and he came back to us.
            "How does $5.75 sound?" I saw him give us both a gracious smile
and look back toward Michael. Michael beamed at him and passed over the
ten, taking his change and pocketing his wallet taking his bag.
            "Thanks Guy, I will talk to ya later!" I waved at him and
walked out with Michael.
            "That was amazing, how did you do that?" He stopped and gave me
a cunning look. "You knew didn't you?"
            "Knew what?" I smiled at him innocently and he raised his bag,
he glanced a smile at me and swung. I caught the bag and let it go smiling
at him.
            "You knew that I didn't have enough money for it."
            "No....I didn't know anything out of the ordinary, I simply was
doing you a favor, take it or leave it." I gave him a simple smirk and
winked at him. He just smiled rolled his eyes and shoved his arm into me
again.
            We continued with random chit chat until we got to the food
court where I bought him some ice cream and we sat down at the tables to
enjoy it.
            "So how did you know him?"
            "Huh, oh Guy? Well I used to work here, and I knew a lot of the
people that worked in the mall."
            "Oh that's cool, is he gay?" he said it rather bluntly and kind
of took us both off guard.
            "Um...is that a problem?" I looked at him feeling my face
change color. I didn't know if I was mad or embarrassed.
            "Well I don't have a problem, its just I kind of guessed. I
don't mind them, I have gay friends, they just know that I'm straight and
not to hit on me." I almost laughed at his insecurity but crushed all the
same.
            "You shouldn't decide things like that so quickly, you are only
fourteen." He looked up at me, and I couldn't tell if it was shock or
confusion.
            "What, are you gay?"
            Again it was a painful blow and it shocked me that he was being
so blunt about this. "That is beside the point, I'm just saying."
            There was a serious awkward silence that I couldn't play off
with a knock in the shoulder. And it was made even more awkward by the
point that we were making direct eye contact and he wouldn't break it. His
eyes were amazing, they were a blue hazel and they were beautiful. I melted
in my seat without actually moving anywhere. I began to feel that the
awkward was not the right way to go about this. So I spoke.
            "I thought you knew?" I continued to look at him.
            "Knew what?" he continued looking into my eyes and I tried to
block my feelings and get him to break this.
            "About me. About my sexuality." I cringed and flinched as I
heard the words come out of my mouth.
            "Oh, well no I didn't" he didn't seem bothered.
            "Well it's all over my Facebook." I tried to associate this to
the fact that he should know this.
            "I must have missed it..." There was an awkward silence that
fell over the two of us in the food court. It was loud but there was a
strenuous air between the two of us.
            "Just take my advice and since you are so young don't decide to
quickly, you never know where you will find love." I tried to ease the
silence with that, and he did look up at me. He shook his head and muttered
something that sound like yea.
            We left the mall soon after that.

***A step too far, a step too close I want to tell you all that I can Soon
I shall slip and you shall know I wish to give more than a helping hand***

            My phone is ringing, why?
            A new day and it was a Saturday at that, I had taken the day to
myself to allow catch up. Now that I was awake why in the world was my
phone ringing this early. I looked at my clock, it was 10:30am not that
early but early enough I could still be asleep.
            My phone was blinking and vibrating, with Robert's picture
flashing. Why was he calling me? This was Michael's brother the one that
Michael didn't think loved him.
            "Hello" I said with my usually morning sleepiness.
            "Hey, what you doin' this morning'?" He asked me.
            "Sleeping..." I sounded as sarcastic as I could after having
just woken up, but he seemed to get the point.
            "Oh well, do you want to go to the mall with me and some other
of the youth?" He asked. The youth? The people from my church who never
left their house with church people outside of Sunday?
            "Sure when?" I said it wasn't that I wanted to but I did enjoy
their company most times.
            "Lunch time, we can grab lunch and then hang out." He said
almost excitedly.
            "Ok see you then." I hung up the phone and rolled out of bed
heading for the shower.

***Slowly wandering across the land Seeing others, but never thinking of
any but you One of these days, fate will deal the hand That will bring us
together, me and you. ***

            Standing around the food court waiting for the group coming
around one of the corners was boring. I could've been walking around the
mall, looking in the store but I had agreed to wait for the people to get
here. I didn't have to wait long, as I stood talking to a former co-worker,
Robert turned the corner.
            Robert alone...
            He walked up to me and said hey with a smile on his face. I
gave him a confused looked before I spoke.
            "Where are the others?" I asked with the look still on my face.
            "What? Oh, they cancelled." He said with a shrug. He was always
doing that, shrugging things off as if they really didn't matter.
            "So it's just me and you? Well this should be fun." I snuck a
grin in there between slight grimaces. Robert and I had always had fun but
his company was not something I would have chosen if I had known it would
end up being just the two of us. His face just gleamed with satisfaction as
I said what I did.
            "So, where to first?" He asked excitedly. He was my age,
actually a little younger, a few months. He was also shorter then I am,
with brown hair that used to be almost a foot long, now it was cut short
and spiked. He kept a beard that went from sideburn to mustache and was
never trimmed. He looked the roll of a teenager trying to be a man.
            "Why don't we try Spencer's, that's always fun." I said smiling
at him, I laughed on the inside as I realized how many ways a smile can be
taken, and how many ways a smile can be used. With mine the intention was
simply to dissuade Robert from any vibes I thought I was getting.
            Walking into the store was interesting; the entire store was
one sexual innuendo and it wasn't subtle. The little trinkets and things
lying around had always made me smile, and walking to my favorite part, I
headed to the back where the lightning orbs were. This area also faced the
aisle where the sex games were. I walked up to a multi colored orb and
Robert was behind me facing the sex games.
            "Hey look at this." Robert called from behind me; I turned with
mild expectations of what I was going to see. He was holding what looked
like two twister spinners just smaller. He handed me one and held the
other.
            "These are fun, two lovers spin these and then do what they
say, and it's a fun way to spice things up." He said this as I ran a finger
up the arrow and ended at the tip with a flick. His arrow whirled and
whirled and just out of habit of doing something I flicked mine. They were
spinning together now, I watched with childish amusement as the one in
Roberts hands slowed and stopped on the words LIPS. I laughed at the
possibilities of what two people would have to do with the position of
lips. I looked down as mine stopped on KISS...
            "Well that was fun." I smiled a genuine smile at Robert as I
placed my spinner back on the shelf. I turned to walk back up to the
lighted part of the store when Robert stopped me.
            "Wait, the game isn't over." Robert's voice was almost eager
and I was nervous as I turned around where I stood.
            "What do you mea..." I was stopped in mid sentence as Robert
placed a hand on my neck and pulled me into his kiss. He slowly tried to
massage my lips with his trying to part them. Without force I tried to back
away from him, and he was winning. So I grabbed his wrist and pried it off
of my neck. I gripped his wrist a little tightly and dropped down to his
side.
            "What do you think you are doing?" I looked at him with a
shocked expression on my face. I didn't know what he was doing; I all I
knew was that I didn't like it. All he did was smile at me with a quirky
little smile.
            "What don't you like it?" He looked up at me with a coy smile
and reached for my hand. I jerked my hand away from him and turned to walk
away. "Caleb, Wait, Please."
            "What is there to say, Robert? You are clearly out of your
mind." I was furious that he would just kiss me without warning or
anything; I wasn't like that I wasn't a spur of the moment kind of lover.
            "I just assumed you were gay." He looked up at me almost hurt,
and that made me even angrier because he isn't the one that should even
remotely be hurt.
            "That doesn't make what you did right. Just because I'm gay
doesn't mean I like every guy that comes my way." He looked taken aback, as
if he was gorgeous and I was crazy for not liking him.
            "Oh what I'm not good enough for you but my little brother is."
He said this with venom in voice and anger in his eyes. I stepped back and
nearly stumbled, I thought I had been careful and here I was caught in mid
stride, literally and figuratively.
            "Yes, I do know all about that...and you need to leave him
alone he's straight and he wouldn't like you any way." I turned and ignored
the rest of his comments, walking out of the store, and out of the
mall. Tears burning in my eyes.

***For one who never cries I shed a tear for you today I saw no truths I
saw no lies I wouldn't know what to say***

            It was the Sunday after the event the mall and hadn't answered
any calls from Robert or Michael and had ignored any message I had
gotten. I was half tempted not to go to church today either and but I knew
there was a greater commitment in my heart then those two guys.
            "Hey Caleb!" The youth director of my church called out to me
as I walked up the hallway.
            "Hey Chris, what's up?" I smiled at her as I rubbed the back of
my neck.
            "Nothing much, hey the youth is taking an outing at the
Bicentennial Park today, and I was wondering if you would Join us." She
smiled at me and I toyed with the idea of going.
            "Well I could use a day of fresh air; it's been a rough
weekend, so sure." I smiled

            Church ended and I changed into my jeans and a t-shirt and
walked outside to the van where most the other Youth had already piled into
it. I stepped up on the step and turned to go toward my usual back row
seat, and as I looked up I saw Michaels smiling face looking at me, almost
eagerly. I started to smile and then remembered that everyone in the van
could be watching and could know, so I turned and took the seat next to the
driver seat.
            Chris got into the driver seat and after making sure everyone
was buckled up started the music and the ignition and pulled out of the
parking lot.
            "So where is everyone else?" I asked mostly because I didn't
see Robert but I also noticed that there were a few others missing so I was
curious.
            "Well Robert didn't want to come. And Ben and the others have
some school things so it's just me Sally you and Michael." She smiled over
at me.
            Driving was quick and conversation was futile. We arrived and
the ground rules were set, we could wander as we pleased but we had to be
back by the van no later than 4, and that was cool that was a decent amount
of time and we could leave early if the four of us were tired.
            I walked off in a random direction without any pretense and out
of the corner of my eye I saw Chris and Sally, the two girls walking off
toward the lake, they were good friends and they liked hanging out together
so that was good. Also I noticed Michael jogging to catch up to me. I kept
my eyes forward and centered. Don't get me wrong I wasn't mad at him, but
there was just something more to his brother trying to kiss me. He seemed
to know that I was gay, and the only one of the youth that knew or could
have known was Michael. Did he tell him? Then there was the fact that "he's
straight and he wouldn't like you any way" and that ripped my heart into
more pieces.
            "Hey what's up, are you ok?" Michael had pulled me from my
thoughts with the question. He looked up at me, and I finally smiled at
him, he was getting to be as tall as I was, and still had his innocence in
his face. His face had actually trimmed down a lot over the last few
months, between band and everything he was turning into a little stud.
            "Yea, I'm ok...just a lot on my mind right now." I said.
            "Are you mad at me?" He asked me.
            "No why would I be?" I said with a little forethought about it.
            "Well you didn't sit with me on the van and I don't know...any
ways I wanted to thank you again...for the other day with the CD, I don't
think I ever really did." He smiled at me.
            "It's ok I knew that you were grateful." There was more that I
wanted to say I just didn't know how.
            "Well, I really am I'm glad that you're my friend." His smile
was gorgeous and his eyes sparkling. And I have no idea what made me say
it.
            "Well you have a funny way of showing it." It was like word
vomit I couldn't control it, it was on the brim of all the emotions I had
been feeling for the past two days and now here it was out in the open.
            "What?" he stammered shocked and stepped back to look at me.
            "I just...I don't know...why did you tell your brother that I
am gay?" He looked at me with a confused face.
            "I didn't tell him anything about you..."
            "Well obviously you did, he tried to make a move on me in a
store yesterday." I looked at him with ferocity brimming my eyes. Just as
we stared at each other there was a clap of thunder and it began to rain.
            "I didn't tell him anything, why would I...I l..." He turned
and began to run off through the woods. The last thing I saw of his face
was the tears streaming down his face. I kicked myself with anger, the last
thing I wanted to do was make him cry, that was his brother's job. I ran
off after him and tried to find him in the rain, which was a none too easy
task. The rain was a pour at this point and the ground was getting a little
muddy. There was no one around me anywhere.
            "MICHAEL!!!" I yelled through the rain. There was no
response. I continued to run between the trees looking around as much as I
could it was almost darkening because of the clouds.
            "MICHAEL!! Come Back!!" I yelled again and jumped as a response
came from behind me.
            "I thought you cared; I thought you were different from him!"
He looked at me with such pain in his face as I turned around.
            "Michael, it's not that easy, it's because I care that I was
angry. I thought you had betrayed me somehow..." I wanted to apologize but
for some reason I couldn't do that. He walked a little closer and was
looking a little madder.
            "Why didn't you believe me...Caleb, you don't understand." He
stopped at put his face in his hands. There was something more to this and
I was just now realizing it.
            "What's wrong, Michael." I walked toward him and placed a hand
on his shoulder and one on his head. "I'm sorry I snapped at you; now
remember you can talk to me...its ok."
            "No...I can't...I really can't." He continued to sob into his
hands. I didn't like the fact that he was crying, it hurt me and I didn't
like him being in pain. I took my hand from his head and lifted it up by
the chin. His eyes, a piercing green stabbed into my heart and left his
imprint on my soul. I knew something deeper then this was tearing at him,
something that only talking could ease.
            "Michael, you can tell me, remember...anything." I looked into
his eyes, trying to match my brown eyes, stare for stare, into his green
ones. I tried to smile at him but my mouth quivered as I saw the pain in
his eyes.
            "Caleb, it's...I don't know any more...it's all so confusing."
He looked back down at his hands, and the rain beat down on our heads as a
flare of lighting struck over our heads. The thunder rumbled and as I was
watching his face his mouth moved move but I couldn't understand his words.
            The thunder ended and I was looking into his shocked eyes. "I
didn't hear what you said." I looked into his eyes again and he opened his
mouth and then closed it again. He looked away and I reached out
instinctively and gently turned his head back to face me. The rain mixed
with tears as water slid down his face.
            "I love you..." The words rolled from his tongue with a
different kind of emotion. Anxiety mixed with fear. Love mixed with
panic. He looked up at me and waited patiently as I collected my
thoughts. It took all my will power not to let my jaw drop and my mouth to
gape.
            "Well, I love you to; you're like a brother to me." I couldn't
believe I had just said that, this was the one thing in the world that I
wanted and I had just ridiculed the entire moment by playing naive. I was
so stupid. All of the sudden while I was bashing myself on the inside; he
raised his palm and smacked himself in the head. I reached out and grabbed
his hand to stop him from doing that again. Hand in hand and my other hand
on his shoulder, he looked up at me.
            "That's not what I meant." He said slowly. "I understand if you
don't..." He backed away from me and started to walk away toward the Van. I
stood there just amazed at the scene that had just happened.
            "Michael! I know what you mean...I know!!" I ran after him and
when I caught up to him I reached for his hand. "Michael, I know what you
mean...I love you too...I have for a long time." He stopped with his hand
in mine and slowly turned to face me. He stared at me for a moment before
he leaped at me and wrapped his arms around my chest. With my arms draped
over his neck, my hands found their way to massage his wet head.
            "Why didn't you ever say anything?" His muffled voice came from
where he was laying his head on my chest.
            "Cause I was afraid that I would scare you." I said gently.
            "Well you did, but only because you were so great, I thought
you were unreal." He looked up at me and smiled. "Is that stupid?"
            "Never, I thought that I had lost you and hurt you and then you
surprise me by being the most amazing guy I have ever met." I smiled down
at him. With the rain coming down on our heads and the thunder drowning out
in the back ground, holding each other seemed to warm us from within. He
leaned forward and stretched upward by his tip toes and we kissed. The kiss
was of passion not lust; I massaged his lips with mine as the taste of
purity massaged mine in return.
            We broke apart and held each other, just staring into the
others eyes. Time seemed to slow and the rain seemed to fade away. Nothing
but the touch of his skin on mine was real.
            "We...we..." I started softly. "...should head back to the
van. We can talk more about it later." Holding hands through the woods we
left through the rain just as happy as I have been in a long time. We broke
hands as we emerged through the pathways and ended up next to the van in no
time.
            Chris smiled at us, all four soaking wet, and we clambered into
the van with towels in our seats. Chris and Sally took the front this time
and I climbed back to my normal seat, next to the boy I loved, where time
slowed again and perfection was where we were.