Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2023 22:39:47 +0000 (UTC)
From: Don Cornelius <doncornelius69@yahoo.com>
Subject: Heartbeat, Chapter 10

This is a work of fiction. Any similarities between the story and reality
are purely coincidental. Please contact the author at doncornelius69 AT
yahoo DOT com if you'd like to share your thoughts, feelings, or opinions.

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Chapter 10

TATE

Ben called the next day. They wanted me, but the offer was $20,000 which
he'd already rejected.

"Come on, $20,000 is a lot of money! I'd do it for that!" I told him.

I could hear his little stifled laugh on the other end of the line.

"Lookit, you did the screen test on the 28th and three days later, on a
Saturday that just happens to be New Years Eve, they make the offer. They
obviously want you and they're not going to get you for change out of the
sofa."

I sat on the line thinking about what kind of person would have $20,000 in
change in a sofa.

"Hello?"

"Yeah, I'm here Ben... OK, so what do I do?"

"You like this thing, yeah? You think it's a good script and you got a good
feeling from the director?"

I replied, "Yeah, it's really good and he was great. I want to do this."

He laughed, "OK, they WANT you to do it but the producer's scraping pennies
to bank this thing. Apparently, your buddy," he meant Tommy, "is pulling in
a lot of cash. You don't really care about the money if you're willing to
take the $20,000 so let's roll the dice and ask for 5% of the gross."

"You think they'll go for it?"

"Yeah, I think they will. Their financing is as tight as my Uncle Harry's
pants after a meal."

"OK, do it."

"On it," he responded, then ended the call. It was a little more finality
than Nina, though not much.

I looked over at Zach, who'd been watching me with a bemused look on his
face this whole time, and asked, "What?" with a big smile.

"I only heard your side, but I'm guessing it's good news?"

I nodded, "Ben says they made an offer for $20,000. It's too low in his
opinion so he's trying for a percentage of the gross."

He nodded, impressed, "I'm starting to like Ben. What's he targeting, 4?
5?"

"5. What do you think?"

He cleared his throat, "Well, even if he's only able to get 2.5%, if it
does a million, you're still $5000 ahead. I like the idea."

I smiled, "I did too. Now I'm loving it."

We made breakfast and followed up on plans for that night. Chels and some
people had made plans for an AirBNB party but the rain was making that kind
of iffy so Zach and I were thinking about alternative plans.

"What about ordering from the Cantonese place you like? A nice dinner just
for us and maybe Chels and Daniel if the party goes in the toilet?"

"Why don't we just do that, but early enough so they can join us and then
we can go to the party?" I offered. Honestly, I wanted to go out for New
Years.

Zach smiled, then rubbed his head, flexing his bicep. It was a move I'd
seen Ben do and I realized they were comparing notes. He started to say
something, but I interrupted him.

"You and Ben share that move!' I said, laughing just a bit.

His face reddened just slightly as he was clearly a little embarrassed,
then he broke into a shameful little smile that made my heart melt.

"This is the first time you've noticed?"

I thought about it for a second, "Yeah, I don't think you've ever done that
with me."

"I did it in 8th grade with a guy who was into me and it's worked ever
since. I told Ben about it and he's been doing it to." He shrugged, "You
have to work with the assets you have and we both put a lot of work into
our bodies."

I laughed as I went to hug him, "Well, you're very cute when you do it."

Still holding me, he looked down and said, "Why don't let me deal with
dinner? I'll handle it and have it here at 7 then we can go to the party
about 9. How's that sound?"

I got up on my toes to kiss him softly, just grazing his lips with mine,
"That sounds pretty wonderful."

He left not long after and I took a nap. It had become another lazy, rainy,
Saturday in the Bay Area, a perfect day to lay on the sofa in front of the
TV and fall asleep, which I did during an episode of Better Call Saul. I
was awakened by Rabinowitz calling for the fifth time. I missed the most
recent call but groggily called him back.

"Where have you been?" he demanded.

I yawned, "I was taking a nap, Ben. What's up?"

"What's up? We negotiated you to 3.5% of the gross!"

I giggled a bit, "WE didn't do anything, you did. I'm surprised, I expected
them to stick on 2 or maybe 2.5. What happened?"

"Wellllll, let's just say it's easy to negotiate with folks who know
quality when they see it. We'll have the contract on Monday, I'm sending
the term sheet over now. I also took care of production."

"What did you do there?"

"They're moving it to the Bay Area. It'll be cheaper than trying to run it
with your constrained schedule in another location."

"Wow. When are they planning to start all this?"

"Hang on," he said to the sounds of papers shuffling in the
background. "They're going to negotiate incentives from the state next week
and start scouting locations. They should have it all wrapped up and ready
to go by the end of January."

"Oh, OK. I was thinking March or April."

"Nope, kiddo, they're going to be done by then. This is going to be low
budget and you're definitely going to work your ass off. You sure you're up
for this? That it's worth it to you?

I didn't hesitate, "Yeah. I am and it is. Ben, I gotta thank you for all
this..."

"Oh, pish, you'll thank me with 15% of what you make off this!"

"Nah, that's just money. I want you to know how much I appreciate you
stepping in here. You took a chance on me and I know it."

"Well, it was easy. Nina's a tough a bitch, but she's never wrong."

I laughed, "Man have I ever learned that one!"

"Talk at you later!" was all I heard before the line dropped. That was
goodbye, in agent.

I sat there thinking for a while about what this was going to do to me. I'd
already started memorizing dialog and how to deliver it. I felt I was
getting closer to prepared and it made me excited for the future. I was
going to be part of creating a movie that people, hopefully more than the
100 I'd joked about with Zach, would enjoy.

ZACH

I had to get out of his house for a bit and decided to head to the gym. He
didn't realize it, but just being around him sometimes gets me really
worked up. We'd had sex the night before and again that morning, but
looking at him as he talked to his agent made me crazy horny.

This was a low-level constant thing with me, and it wasn't just the
physical attraction. It could be his laugh or how he smelled that got me
going and sometimes I just needed a break. I think he picked up on it, but
I was hoping not to scare him off. That I found him irresistible could
really be a turn off and I wanted to, at least, present a more toned-down
version of myself. BUT DAMN, it was hard at times. We've been together more
than four months and nothing had faded. If anything, it had become more
intense as I feel deeper in love with everything about him.

I started a full body routine that was guaranteed to wear me out and was
about 15 minutes in when I heard Ben's voice behind me as I started my
first set of squats.

"Oh my God, that's terrible. Ass to grass, Waller!"

I racked the weight and turned around to fist bump him.

"What're you doing here?" I asked.

"Same as you, just wanted to get a workout in. You mind if I join?"

I took a swig from my water bottle, "Of course not."

We talked as we lifted and I filled him in on my state of mind. Ben was
usually a good listener.

"It's natural."

I laughed, "I know THAT, I just need a better way to control it."

"Do what you did for the first couple of weeks you were together. Honestly,
I didn't get how you really felt until you confronted me in the locker
room," he said, laughing.

"I'm sorry about that, man."

"I know you are and there's no need to be. Bro, you know I love you no
matter what. I'm just saying, I thought he was going to be just another
hookup until you set me straight. If you were feeling this way then, you
really did a good job of hiding it."

I thought back to that time and I realized it was the unknown. I knew I was
in love with him, but there was a lot we'd not sorted out, starting with
sex. Now, I'd tasted him and knew that he was every bit as delicious as he
looked. That made him hard to resist and I knew I needed to talk to him
about it.

"What's up? You just stopped like you had sudden realization," Ben said,
smiling.

"Kind of. I, uh, think this is something I need to talk to him about. I
think I'm more worried about it than I need to be."

"If it helps, you got worked up and went to the gym. You didn't try to
start something; you took care of yourself and by extension him. You should
realize that and feel good about it."

I sighed, "You're right. I didn't think about it that way, but you're
absolutely right."

We finished training, then went to grab lunch. By the time we were done,
I'd ordered dinner and invited Ben and a date (he wouldn't tell me who), as
well as Chels and her boyfriend, over to Tate's for dinner. The only
problem with dinner was that I had to pick it up.

I went back to Tates, cleaned up, and spent the rest of the afternoon with
him on the couch. He'd been looking at his iPad for a bit, then about 330
he wanted to lay down on me. It was normal for us, with me sitting up and
him snuggled up against me. That lasted about five minutes before he
finally realized I was hard.

"WOW. That is impressive," he said, smiling as looked at me.

I sighed, "I can't help it!"

He looked at me like I was crazy, "I'm OK with this, you know? I don't want
you to be sexually frustrated, but you're desire for me is really
flattering."

I smiled, "It's not desire, it's straight up lust and it's only getting
more intense."

"Do you want me to take care of that?" he asked, genuinely.

"No, baby, I'll be hard again 5 minutes after I cum. I honestly think I'd
wear you completely out if we kept at it until I really wound down."

He smiled, "We're doing that tomorrow."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

The smile turned into a calculating look. "Yeah, I absolutely am. What
better way to spend a rainy Sunday than having sex? You think I'll pass out
before you've finally had enough, let's test it out!"

I laughed, "Alright, just remember you asked for it!"

We settled back down but knowing what was coming tomorrow made me anxious
enough to go to the bathroom at one point where I was able to take care of
myself, which made him laugh when I reappeared, obviously more relaxed.

Around 6:15 I left to get the food as he got ready for that night. I was
thinking as I drove that was my life and I was unbelievably happy, deeply
in love with the man who had become my world.

TATE

Chelsea and Daniel were already here by the time Zach returned and they
helped get everything set up. I'd already set the dining room table and was
shocked at how well everything had come together. Zach had ordered from a
place I loved and we were in the living room chatting when Ben showed up
with his new guy, Ian. Ian was an English undergrad at Stanford Ben had met
at a houseparty given by a guy he hooked up with occasionally.

He was very sweet and more than a little awestruck with Ben. It was weird
to me because I saw this funny, normal teenage jock who was besties with my
boyfriend. He could be goofy and occasionally he could be irritating,
basically a normal good looking American guy.

But to see Ian around him, it was obvious he had an entirely different
take, one of adoration. It was puppy love and it was every bit as cute as
that implies.

Despite the rain and flooding which actually shut down 101, we made it to
the party and had a good time. I drank a little more than I should have,
one of the reasons we ended up leaving not long after midnight. He'd shown
up behind me and interrupted a story I was telling with a New Year kiss
which made me lose control. That was it for me and the party.

When we got home, we didn't even have sex. I'd fallen asleep in the Uber
and he'd helped me out and for a few stumbling feet tried to walk with me
before just picking me up. A mess? Yes, indeed.  I was young, in love, and
very aware that I had someone looking out for me who wasn't my mother. I
wanted to cut loose a bit.

The next morning was pretty rough. He'd let me sleep in, but when I finally
woke up, I felt horrible and wandered down stairs to smell food, which my
stomach forced me to ignore in favor of some fruit and a yoghurt.

"Feeling OK?" he asked, smiling.

"No," I replied as I put breakfast into a bowl. I walked over to the table
where he was sitting and plopped down in one of the chairs. "I can't
believe you let me drink so much last night!"

He laughed, "Right? I'm a terrible boyfriend."

I smiled, "Yeah, but I'm gonna keep you anyway."

"What time does your mom come in?"

"Late. Her flight lands at 6:30 and she's taking an Uber."

"Huh. Well, I guess that gives us the day for me to wear you out," he
calmly replied, staring directly at me.

"Yeah, about that. How does a raincheck sound?" I said, laughing.

We made corn bread, collard greens, and black-eyed peas for New Years and
spent the day in front of the TV, resting. I finally started to feel human
about 3pm and I appreciated the attention, and care, he was showing me. And
I also decided rum would never enter my body again.

By the time my mom came home, Zach was gone and I was in my room, working
on lines. I caught her up on what had happened the previous day and she
seemed pretty good with it, and with Ben for getting the deal for me done.

"So, the contract is coming tomorrow?" she asked.

"That's what Ben said."

She sighed, "I'm going to miss signing off on things for you when you turn
18 next week."

"Oh, come on, I'm still going to ask you for advice," I offered.

"You will, but it's going to be different." She hugged me tightly. "You're
a man now and it's natural that I feel little sad about it, but also really
happy to see the person you are."

I hugged her back tightly, "I love you and I can't thank you enough for
letting me do this."

The next few weeks moved faster than any in my life. My birthday
celebration was a surprise party that I was late for since I was out
completing some insurance crap for the producers which involved a very
long, and very invasive, physical.

That party ended up being the highlight of January as more and more came up
that occupied my attention. On February 1st, the producers set up shop in
some flex space across the Bay in Oakland and I had to hustle over every
day after school. After a week of read throughs and planning, we started
actual filming and it went anything but well. The near constant rain made
doing anything outdoors a challenge and more than a few scenes ended up
being filmed in a cold rain.

The story was simple. Cooper, a third-year law student, meets Preston, a
sophomore undergrad, at a party. They hit it off and fall in love. Preston
comes out to his parents, and they cut him off. Cooper and Preston move in
together to save money and Cooper goes to work and helps Preston finish
school. True love and it's wonderful... until Preston gets sick. It's a
brain tumor and they try fighting it, but he doesn't last long. Cooper is
devastated. At the funeral, Preston's parents show up and follow Cooper
back to the car asking him about their son. He remembers, as Preston lay
there dying, that they didn't come to him but that he'd never stopped
loving them. He didn't want to tell them that, to give them the peace
they'd denied their dying son, but he knew it wasn't what Preston would
want.

His final words to them were, "He loved you. He never gave up on you. That
beautiful person never accepted the truth that he was far too good for
you." He then got in the car and the camera films him wiping away tears as
the car leaves the cemetery.

It wasn't the easiest thing to film, especially the day of Preston's coming
out which reminded me of my own coming out to my father. It opened up some
trauma I'd long since packed away, but Davis was thrilled with the
result. Then, there was the dying scene. It wasn't just the makeup, it was
the emotion Davis brought out in us and the hectic schedule.

The only evening we took off in February was Valentines Day and I spent it
with Zach at a restaurant, then back at my house watching a movie
together. I fell asleep on him halfway through it, exhausted by everything
that was going on.

We wrapped up filming on March 3rd and there was a big party that night at
the offices in Oakland. I dragged Zach with me which was actually pretty
easy since he and Tommy got along surprisingly well. Tom pulled me aside at
one point and told me, in very confident terms, that the deal I'd made was
going to make me `a very rich young man'.

"Well, you'd know. You and Davis are the only ones who've seen the
rushes. Does the movie really look that good?"

He smiled broadly, "I showed some of it to my wife. She couldn't stop
crying when you died. It doesn't look good; it looks like a hit."

I laughed and raised my glass to tap his, "From your lips to God's ears!"

"Have you thought about what you're going to do next?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied, smiling. "I'm going to finish high school, enjoy my
summer, and then start college!"

"Alright, alright. Seriously, though, I'd love the opportunity to work with
you again."

I offered my hand, "I feel the same way."

It wasn't feel good bullshit on my part, I was being honest. The entire
experience had been exhausting, but it had been good. Everyone was
professional and prepared which made the disasters that did occur
manageable. None of that would have been possible without an outstanding
producer and director. I didn't know about Tommy, but there'd never been a
moment when I felt like things were out of control.

Later that night we went out with Tommy in San Francisco, then back to my
house where Zach was spending the night. My mother demanded only one thing,
discretion. Luckily, the house was very solidly constructed and noises
tended not to travel.

That following Monday I had this amazing sense of ease as I returned to
school since, for the first time in a month, I wouldn't have to rush to
Oakland as soon as school let out. I hadn't fallen behind on school work
and was on track to coast into graduation.

There were two things outstanding, college and Tillet. Zach had forced me
to apply to Stanford, Cal, AND San Jose State, rather than just SJS. I got
my rejection letter from Stanford the following Thursday which put Zach in
a foul mood all weekend. For some reason, he'd just assumed they'd let me
in and because I was in a movie, never mind that it hadn't been released
yet and automatic actor admission wasn't a thing.

He had this whole theory about celebrities (who were actually, you know,
famous for more than being photographed in a pair of board shorts for an ad
pasted on the side of a city bus) getting into really hard schools. I had
to explain to him that they were really smart people and unlike me had the
grades and test scores for it.

He wasn't bad about it, but he was still worried about us being at
different schools. He'd moved past the idea of me being stolen from him but
he'd moved onto the idea of us growing apart. That was a legit concern,
which I understood, and I told him repeatedly it would take us working
together to avoid that. He seemed to think on some level there was an
element of chance to it all, as if I'd fall out of love with him while on
280 driving home one afternoon.

The second shoe dropped that Saturday when I got my wait list to Cal. I
showed it to him and he was actually OK with it since it meant he wasn't
going to have to live in the City and commute to Stanford every day. For
me, I'd been looking forward to it since I wanted desperately to be back in
a city, not the suburbs.

I pouted about it that evening and he reminded me that wait list wasn't a
decline.

"Sure," I replied glumly, "it's like a 2% probability versus 0%
probability."

During the weeks that followed, I got my acceptance to San Jose State,
which made me happy, and everyone else got theirs to Vanderbilt, Rice,
Harvard, Yale, and my mother's alma mater, Dartmouth. I could tell a
difference in how some people looked at and talked to me. They weren't
overtly belittling, but there was a change in demeanor that made clear I
was less than.

I took note of it because, from some people, it was hilarious. There were
some genuinely smart people in our high school and they weren't judgmental
at all. Meanwhile, those whose parents had pulled strings for them seemed
particularly puffed up about where they would be matriculating in the fall.

For me, I was happy to be going to college and to know I'd be able to do it
without having to work some terrible job or go into debt. I also hadn't
needed my mom to pull strings to get me in somewhere. I did this on my own
and I would be paying for it, despite what my mother hoped, on my own.

Things were decidedly less amusing with regard to Derek. As we neared
April, Derek's lawyer kept filing motions for a continuance that were
denied, one after the other until the judge, during a pretrial hearing,
told Derek's lawyer to make sure he understood his client was going on
trial on the 18th. Eddie found the whole thing endlessly fascinating and
had already decided he was going to law school after undergrad. I thought
it appropriate since he really appeared interested in the intricacies of
the criminal justice system. I was less interested in the mechanics than I
was in the result.

It took two weeks for me to really adjust back to normal life and Zach and
I began looking for a place to live, focusing on Sunnyvale and Cupertino
since they were halfway between Stanford and SJS. We'd both get to live
part of our lives on 280.

We'd been out one Saturday looking at places and I got home around 3 and
walked in to see my mom working on some project that apparently included a
large number of pictures of me.

"What are you doing?" I asked, curious about why she had all this stuff on
the bar in the kitchen.

"I'm putting together a book for you."

I laughed, giving her a hug from behind, "Are you sure it's not more a book
for you?"

She smiled, "Well, I'm certainly going to have a copy made."

We looked through the pictures and it made me realize how much I'd needed
this year. She'd printed out stuff from the cloud and there was a theme to
them all, me smiling. With Zach, with other people, at football games, and
a school dance I was happy in all of them and they were all good memories.

When we were done, I looked at her and started to tear up.

"What's wrong," she asked.

I wiped at my eyes, "Nothing. I just wanted to tell you that you were right
about me taking this year off. I wouldn't have any of this if you hadn't
done that."

She hugged me tightly, "I love you, Tate."

"I love you too, Mom."


ZACH

I won't lie, I celebrated the end of filming far more than Tate. By the end
of the second week, I was quite certain things had moved beyond mere work
to abuse by Davis Allen, the director. Tate, with all his experience as an
actor, assured me I was wrong. But it had finally finished and I went to
the party with him, curious about meeting the people he'd spent the last
month getting to know very personally. For the most part, it was a lot of
fun, until I was approached by Davis.

I was standing off to the side, watching Tate and two of the makeup artists
dancing, when he walked over to me.

"You're lucky," he said.

I nodded, "I know."

"You know?" he scoffed. "You're going to go through life thinking that you
don't deserve him and it's going to eat you alive. It may even drive you to
cheat at some point. That little bit of doubt will tear your up."

Annoyed, I told him, "I accepted that I was just flat the fuck out lucky
when he said yes to our first date. I've never been one to take things for
granted."

He turned to look at me and held eye contact, a smile slowly appearing on
his face.

"I'm sorry, man. You're not at all who I thought you were." And he held out
his hand, which I shook.

"I'm full of surprises." I responded, smiling.

"No one deserves someone like him." He said, turning back to the scene on
the dance floor. "That's the whole point. He's in our lives for however
long we're lucky enough to have him and looking back, I can't imagine doing
this without him."

"He made that much of a difference to the movie?" I asked. I'd already
guessed at the answer, but I wanted to hear him say it.

"When Tommy first suggested him, I looked him up and that night I dreamed
of him in the scene where Preston dies. I knew I wanted him to play Preston
before the screen test, we just did that for the studio."

"When you pull him into the next project, please don't take advantage of
him. He trusts you, and he thinks of you and the producer as friends. I
don't know why, but he does. He respects the hell out of you both," I told
him, offering more than I probably should but wanting to gauge his
reaction. He knew Tate's value and he didn't want to lose it.

"I think the same thing, and I'm a lot more jaded. However, it's not all
because of love and respect, it's because I know my career is going to be
wrapped up in his."

I was struck by his honestly. There was no artifice in his admission, he
was being completely open and honest simply to be open and honest.

I smiled and offered, "Then you're both on the same page."

He turned back to me, "I saw that yesterday. He's not very good at
concealing things."

I laughed, "He actually is, he just doesn't feel the need to do it with
you."

"I know you realize it but goddamn you're a lucky bastard. I know guys that
would convert for a shot at him."

"Yeah, and that makes me nervous as hell."

He shrugged, "I don't know why. He's as wrapped up in you as you are in
him."

"Just knowing how people are when they see something they want."

I saw him nod his head, "There is that," he paused for a second, then
looked back at me, "but I'm sure you'll be able to handle that if something
happens. You're going to have a great life with him in it."

I smiled back at him, "I already do."

That exchange haunted me. It wasn't that he told me something I didn't
know, it's that HE really saw Tate. Not many had, but he did and I'm pretty
sure the producer did as well. There was something exceptional about him
and how he made you feel. Something pure and beautiful. Something that I
knew the world was about to discover.

As the film wrapped up, life was good for us both now that we were pretty
much on the same schedule. Football had ended, but I was still lifting and
doing cardio. My goal was to work straight through until we started
training for the fall season at Stanford. I signed my letter at school
which ended up being a bit of a media event since I wasn't the only one
with Ben heading to Cal. Tate was really impressed with how I handled the
Q&A with the press which I had to admit had been easier thanks to his
example and the press I'd already received after the picture of us.

The only thing that rubbed me wrong was the focus on me being gay. They
were obsessed with it, but more so for me than for Ben which I found really
perplexing. I mean, they didn't even ask about Tate, they just kept asking
how it felt to the first gay player at Stanford and I laughed and reminded
them I wasn't. Then there was the bullshit about how my teammates might
feel and that just pissed me off.

It was a bad moment for me as I responded, "How they feel is
irrelevant. We're there to play and win, anything else is a
distraction. Thank you."

And I got up and left.

I caught hell from the press until a handful of writers pointed out that I
was right and I'd handled it beautifully. What I said was spot on and it
was time to get over the novelty of a gay player. My coach at Stanford
didn't come out and say it, but I was pretty sure he was happy that was my
attitude. Tate had been pleased I removed myself from the situation before
taking on the press. Obviously, he was right as I didn't want the
reputation of the gay hothead who is constantly offended. Besides, as Tate
reminded me, it was punching down... never a good look.

The only thing that really had me twisted was us being at different
schools. I knew there was no way around it that Tate would accept and that
created a conflict within me as I respected the hell out of his honesty and
integrity, but I really wanted him with me. I talked to Kim about it at one
point and she pointed out the obvious solution... for me to go to SJ
State. When I brought that up to Tate, his reaction was something I hadn't
anticipated.

"Why would you do that?" he asked, the words as well as his volume and tone
making clear he thought the idea stupid.

"Because I want us to be at the same school. I thought you'd find it
romantic," I offered without thinking.

"Romantic? Zach, hobbling your future isn't romantic. It's dumb."

I moved closer to hug him and he shrugged me away.

"You have to stop trying to make everything fit what you want," he said
making it clear he was exhausted.

"I swear to God I'm not. I'm rolling with reality and now you're all angry
about it."

He sighed, "No, you're not. You're refusing to see how it could work and
instead creating a solution in search of a problem. We had this sorted and
now you've decided you need to do this for some reason?"

"We'll be together."

He scoffed, "Nonsense. WE'LL," he said in an exaggerated manner, "be
together even at different schools. Every single night." He paused and
paced for a bit.

"Tate?"

He sighed, "I'm thinking. Please give me a second."

I stood there watching him. I couldn't really do much of anything else
since my brain had melted. What seemed like such a reasonable solution to
me really wasn't and now I felt stupid for bringing it up. He was right,
there was no reason for me to do this... other than being a freak about us
being at school together.

He finally stopped, and looked at me.

"I'd planned to move back to Texas and go to UT. I had an in there and I
was going to use it. That was my plan, until I met you and within a month,
that plan changed to staying here to be close to you. I've had time to deal
with changing things so we could be together. I've also had to accept there
were some things beyond my control. You haven't and I need to make
allowances for that."

He continued, "Babe, if you make more money than me, what will you do if
you want to go on a trip I can't afford?"

I didn't hesitate, "I'd pay for us both and be happy to have you with me."

"That's sweet."

"It's just how I feel..."

"I get that, but there's something deeper here. You can accept that in the
future our situations will be different, why can't you now?"

It was a legit question and one I'd not thought about. Why WAS I so fixated
on this? I'd dealt with the idea of someone stealing him and of us growing
apart, or at least I thought I had. If those issues were resolved, then why
was I so freaked out about this?

I shook my head, slowly, "I don't know..."

"We're moving forward as is. You're going to Stanford and we need to keep
looking for a place. OK?"

I smiled, "Yeah. Can I give you a hug now?"

He laughed, "Sure."

As I hugged him to me, I realized I needed to deal with whatever was
driving this need to force things to be the way I wanted. I needed to learn
to live.

TATE

I didn't get to see the rough cut until the weekend of April 1st. They
decided to run it that Saturday so I flew down to LA and got to see myself
in a movie for the first time.

During the first 10 minutes, I felt embarrassed. Suddenly, in one scene, I
realized I didn't need to be, I was actually doing a good job and then I
relaxed and at one point sort of forgot I was watching myself. I cried when
Preston died and I didn't even associate what I was seeing on screen with
my memory of filming the scene.

And then it was over. I looked over at Davis to see him shaking hands with
some of the studio people who were there. I was happy for him since
everyone looked really pleased. Tommy had gotten up to meet some of them as
well and I just sat back, observing, until Tom appeared to my right and
asked me to meet Gloria Imdahl who wanted to talk to me about another
project.

It was a movie about a young man whose life became about caring for his
siblings, then for his aging grandparents and parents. He gave up his life
to be a caregiver. It sounded depressing as hell, but there was something
in how she told the story that made me interested in it. And then it
reached the end, where we realize that his life was taking care of people,
providing for them, when they came to help him as his life ended. I could
visualize it as she spoke and I realized it wasn't depressing, it was
beautiful. I was very interested in it until she told me they were going to
start filming in May.

"Sorry, I couldn't possibly. I appreciate the opportunity, but I made some
promises and one of them was not working any more until the end of May. "

She nodded, "I can respect that. What if we can push the start date to
early June?"

I smiled, "That might work. Can Tom produce?"

She looked over at him, "What do you say? Two for one?"

Tom laughed, "Let me think about it. I need a bit more recovery time than
the kid."

"Ok," she said, laughing. "Why don't you forward him the script I sent and
my contact information?"

"Sure, I can do that."

She smiled and held out her hand, "It was wonderful meeting and you did a
beautiful job!"

"You too and thanks!"

Tom waited for her to move out of earshot.

"She's a heavy hitter. This movie makes you credible and bankable, that
movie will make you a star."

I took a dep breath, "I never saw this coming, you know?"

He laughed, "The best never do. Look at Tommy," and I glanced over to see
him having a laugh with the studio people. "He's going to have a
career. You made him shine in this and he's going to go on to do big budget
movies. Some of them might even be good. You, meanwhile, are going to make
movies that change people's lives. He'll be a celebrity, but you, my boy,
will be a star."

I laughed, "That's a lot to take in, and I honestly don't know if ..."

"Don't say that. I watched you watching the movie. You saw it. You know."

I nodded, "Yeah. I'm amazed, but I did. So what now?"

"Read the script and see what you think. We can talk about it once that's
out of the way and then work out the details if you want to move forward
with it. For right now, that's going to be about it until Love Story comes
out. After that, you and Ben are going to be inundated with offers."

"Any idea when it's going to come out?"

He nodded back to the studio people, "They were already putting pressure on
Davis to wrap up post. After today, the pressure will be increased to the
point it could create a diamond."

"You really think it's that good?"

"I think it very well may be the movie that's mentioned in the first line
of my obituary."

"Damn."

"Yeah," he said, then clearing his throat, he continued, "What's your plan
from here?"

I looked at my watch, "My flight's in about 3 hours."

"Let's say our goodbyes and I'll take you to the airport."

As we exited, I noticed the studio people were kind of weird with me, like
they didn't know what to say. With Tommy, it was easy, he was the hero. I
was the beautiful soul who passed away. It's like they were seeing a
ghost. I mentioned it to Tom and he just laughed, "It was the movie. The
bought into the death so much being with you immediately after is strange
for them."

The flight was uneventful but it did remind of travelling the previous
summer. I'd gotten really used to airports and short flights and making the
trip down to LA and back in the same day felt comfortable for me. I
realized for the first time how much I'd missed travelling and was looking
forward to working again after graduation.

Zach picked me up at the airport and we went to meet people for dinner. It
was a super chill night and I hadn't told anyone what I was up to that
day. I had tried to keep talk about being in a movie to a minimum. They all
knew, but as far as they were concerned, it was a little art movie that
would run in NYC and LA for about a week.

And I was happy to let them think that.

ZACH

As we got close to April 18th, I could sense a change in Tate. His focus on
his testimony intensified and he was getting himself mentally prepared. The
ADA in Dallas who was handling the prosecution had done some Zoom calls
with him to prepare him for cross examination by Dereks attorney. The last
session was the Friday afternoon before we left for Texas. I went over to
pick him up to go out that night and he was clearly shaken.

When I showed up at 7, his mom let me in and told me to go on up, that he
was still getting ready. I walked in to find him sitting in the chair in
his room, wearing underwear and a pair of socks, staring into space.

"Tate?" I said softly to no response. I walked into his room and got in his
line of vision.

"Baby, are you OK?"

He blinked a few times and swallowed, then focused on me, suddenly aware of
my presence and of his partially dressed state.

"I, uh, I... uhm, I got distracted."

"What happened?"

He smiled, but it wasn't his normal smile. It was a mask.

"I, uh, just was thinking about the session I had with the ADA."

"Did everything go ok?" Dumb question, I know.

"It shook me up a bit," he said, standing. "Let me get dressed and we can
go."

"No," I said, softly. "You're shook up and I think that's not what you want
to do," I finished, wrapping him in my arms as I hugged him. I felt him
relax and start to sob.

Through tears he said, "I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this. The
cross was rough today and I don't know if I'll be able to take it."

"I'm sorry, baby. I know how tough this is."

He looked up at me, "What if I break down on the stand?"

"Then you break down."

"What if I decide not to go?" he asked.

"Then we don't go to Texas on Monday. The choice is yours."

I pulled back from him and he stood there for a bit before he looked into
my eyes.

"I really need you in that courtroom. I'm glad you're going with me."

I smiled, "I'm going to be with you for the rest of your life when you need
me."

He wiped at his eyes, "God, I'm a mess. I got shaken by the run through."

"It's OK. That's why they're doing it. Do you still want to go?"

"Yes. I need to do this."

We went on with our evening and by the end of dinner, he was back. By the
end of the night, you'd never know anything had happened. He didn't mention
his breakdown again until Monday night when we checked into the hotel. It
was just the two of us, since his mother had been called away on an
emergency and rather than bail on that, Tate had told her she had to go,
that he had this covered.

We'd arrived very late and Ubered to the hotel. As we ate the food we'd
picked up in the airport, we talked a little until he dropped the bomb.

"I'm sorry about Friday," he said.

I was anguished by his comment, "Tate, you have nothing to apologize
for. What you're dealing with is one of the hardest things you'll ever have
to face. I'm in awe of you right now."

He looked down at the table, "I'm so nervous it hurts. The anxiety is
awful."

"I can't imagine and I'm blown away by how you've handled it."

He laughed, "By breaking down and crying?"

"Babe, yeah. That, exactly that. You didn't decide to back down, you just
released what you were feeling and carried on. It's...amazing and inspiring
to me. No matter how much it hurts, you keep pressing forward because you
know it has to be done."

He smiled again, his eyes wet with unshed tears, "Thank you for saying
that."

That night, as I laid in bed holding him, I felt him finally relax and
rest. I wished more than anything to be able to take this on for him, but I
knew this was something he had to do. All I could do was be there for him,
to make sure he didn't go through it alone.