Date: Thu, 19 Jan 2023 23:36:16 +0000 (UTC)
From: Don Cornelius <doncornelius69 (at) yahoo.com>
Subject: Heartbeat, Chapter 2

This is a work of fiction. Any similarities between the story and reality
are purely coincidental. Please contact the author at doncornelius69
ATyahoo DOT com.

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TRIGGER WARNING This chapter deals with the past sexual assault of one of
the characters.

Heartbeat, Chapter 2

TATE

I was a jumble of emotions when I woke up. I knew it was over for me and it
made me feel happy, but also sort of melancholy. There would be no chase,
no cat and mouse. He'd taken me in one night. No, actually, in less than
one night. Over two hours he'd won and I'd been conquered.

The fact that I'd very much fallen in love with him was something I
conveniently glossed over while examining the situation. It was easier, in
my head, to think of him winning rather than me falling in love. At least
then I wasn't an active participant in my own demise as a single
man. Without any agency, or with it taken from me by his brutal courtship,
I was just along for the ride.

And then I started laughing.

I got out of bed, washed my face, and made my way downstairs in search of
breakfast only to find my mom bringing in groceries. I helped her get it
all in and unpacked, then started to make myself some something to eat.

It took her a whole 30 seconds before she started asking about the
date. So, I told her what happened as I cooked and then ate. When we got to
the second kiss, she was REALLY attentive.

"You couldn't stand up?"

"Mom, I don't know how else to describe it. It was like nothing I've felt
before and my legs just kind of noodled on me."

She sat back, smiling, eyes a little moist.

"You fell for him, didn't you?"

And the smile that showed on my face as I looked back at her was all the
confirmation she needed.

"Well, this changes things a bit."

I laughed, "Yeah, it does. You DID like him, right?"

"Yeah. Sure. In the 5 or 6 minutes we made awkward small talk before you
came downstairs, I got a real sense of who is as a human being and realized
he was the perfect match for my son." She said, laughing.

"OK, so maybe I invite him for dinner?"

She smiled, "Yeah, maybe. What about tonight?"

"It's Saturday?"

"Well, yeah, I'm sure he'll want to eat dinner. Come on, I'll cook, we can
eat and spend some time together, and then you two can leave to do
something that doesn't include your mother."

I thought for a second and realized her plan wasn't terrible. It wasn't
good, but it also didn't suck. Plus, my mom was a good cook.

"What are you thinking of making?"

She thought for a second and then her face brightened up, "Blanquette?"

"Done. I'll call him."

I finished breakfast and went back up to my room, knowing I had things I
needed to do before we went to meet Chelsea and her mom. At the top of the
list was calling Zach to give him the bad news.

"Hey gorgeous," he said, picking up on the second ring. "What's up?"

"Well, I might have told my mother about our date and she might have
figured out I'm falling for you..."

"Fell, past tense. You've already fallen for me." I could hear his smile,
and his confidence, through the phone.

"Yeah, so she wants to make dinner for us tonight and get to know you a
little better."

"After our first date? A little soon, don't you think?"

"Do you think it's too soon," I asked.

"No. I really should spend some time with my future mother-in-law. What
time do you want me there?"

"Seven. She'll have some stuff set out for us to eat, then we'll have
dinner at 7:30."

"She likes to entertain, doesn't she?"

"She was the wife of a very ambitious but not terribly talented attorney
for almost 20 years, so yeah."

 "You need me to bring anything?" He asked.

 "Flowers, nothing special. Pick some up from a grocery store. She'll love
the thought."

"Done. Anything YOU want?"

I smiled, "Just you. Maybe a kiss?"

"It's going to be far more than maybe. What do you want to do later or do
you want to wait to decide?"

I told him, "Wait to decide?"

"OK, we'll figure it out," he said, finishing my sentence.

"OK"

"I love you," he said, with a certainty one might use in a courtroom.

"I just met you yesterday."

Still using a matter-of-fact tone, he responded, "Yeah, but how we feel
about one another."

I sighed, again with the melancholy, "Yeah, you're right. I love you, too."
I knew I was going to snap out of it, I just didn't know when.

ZACH

When I got up Saturday, I texted Chels to fill her in. Unsurprisingly, it
took her less than 30 seconds to call.

When I answered the phone she immediately shouted, "HE'S A MODEL??!?"

"Apparently, and one I've been obsessed with for more than a year."

She let out a little laugh, "Neither he nor his mother ever said a word
about it. I feel kind of... left out?"

"Yeah, I can..."

"WAIT ... you've been obsessed with him more than a year? Why didn't YOU
say something to me??!"

Now it was my turn to laugh, "Chels, I didn't pick up on it until our date
last night. He looked like he did in the picture above my desk at one point
and I realized who he was."

"That Rob Lamb ad? Hang on a second..." I could hear her scrambling around,
then typing quietly. "Oh. My. God. It is him. I can't believe this! This is
so fucking cool!"

"Right?"

"I am going to excoriate him for not telling me!"

"Please don't," I asked in a whiney voice that I reserved only for Chelsea.

"Zach, I'm not going to REALLY excoriate him, just give him some much
deserved shit for not telling me."

"Yeah, but I don't think he wants to make a big deal out of it, one of the
reasons why he wasn't forthcoming. I got the impression from him he didn't
want it to be the thing people thought of when they thought of him."

Chelsea laughed, "I understand, but you don't get to look like him then get
upset because people know you for your looks rather than your opinions on
movies and books. People are going to make a thing out of it regardless."

"Facts."

"So, the date went well? You feel like he's a good fit?"

"Like a glove. Chels, he's amazing and I feel good about things."

"After one date?" she asked, suspiciously.

"Yeah. For some reason, the guy I've been dreaming about walked into my
life yesterday and I'm feeling great about it."

"OK, well, you deserve it, Zach. I'm happy for you, just to watch out for
you. Don't let him run you over."

I laughed, "No, I think right now he's worried about that with me."

"Well, then treat him right or I'll never hear the end of it from my
parents. Shit... I need to get ready. I'll talk to you later."

And she was gone.

Not long after I talked to Tate and agreed to dinner at his house tonight,
then went to have lunch and see a movie with my dad. This was something my
dad did with all of us, at least one Saturday a month. He wanted to spend
time with me and my siblings one on one.

"So, how'd your date go?"

I leaned back in my chair, smiling, "WELL, it went really well. You've
actually seen him."

"I have?"

"On the wall over my desk in my room."

My dad, swirling his tea glass, said, "Zach, I've never really looked at
the stuff you have pinned up on your wall. I don't think I've even been IN
your room in a year or more."

I pulled out my phone and did a quick search for the ad. "Here, he's the
one in the white polo..."

My father took the phone and looked, "He's a model?" he asked, glancing up
at me.

"Mmhuh. Didn't even realize it until we were halfway through dinner last
night."

"Well," he looked back at the phone, then back at me as he handed it to me,
"You certainly inherited my good taste in romantic interests!"

I laughed, "Yeah, I think I would have been an even bigger basketcase than
I was when I picked him up if I'd known who he was."

"He didn't mention it?"

"No, he actually didn't want anyone to know about it."

"Huh, that's weird. Any reason why?" My dad asked.

"Yeah, he doesn't want that to be the first thing people think about. He
wanted me to get to know him before that came up."

My Dad sat back in his chair, "Interesting. I don't know if I'd have made
that choice."

I laughed, "Well, he did and I respect him for it."

"Well, you make sure you treat him with respect and that he does the same
to you," he said.

I nodded, "I will Dad."


TATE

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!?!" Chelsea fairly screamed at me as we walked up
to the table.

I smiled broadly, "I guess you talked to Zach?"

She smiled back, "I did. So what gives?"

"I didn't want it to be a thing. I still have to make friends here, other
than you and Zach, and that won't go well if everyone is fixated on that."

"On what," Chelsea's mom asked.

"Mrs. Frandsen, I've done some modelling and people sometimes get hung up
on it and it becomes my world."

She smiled, "Sweetheart, anyone who looks at you is going to wonder about
that."

I sighed, "Maybe, but I didn't want to lead with it, you know? I wanted
people to get to know ME before knowing that."

My mom piped up at that point, "They will. It's what, Chelsea and Zach that
know at this point? That's not everyone."

Chelsea jumped right on that, "True. And Zach and I aren't going to put it
up on Insta and Tik Tok."

"No, it's a bunch of people at this point. At the party last night, there
was a girl named Kristen who figured it out, then one of guys Zach plays
football with, I think his name was Tommy, kept questioning me and Zach
blurted it out in front of everyone." I paused to take a drink of water,
then continued, "It's not the end of the world, it just went differently
than I wanted it to."

Chelsea laughed, "It's going to make things easier for you, trust me."

Linda, Chelsea's mom, decided to change the subject, "Chels told me you
went out with Zach last night! How'd that go?"

I didn't even try to suppress my smile, "Great.  A little shaky in the
middle, but it ended nicely."

"That's good, he's a good guy," to me, then to my mother, "Honestly, he's a
great kid."

My mom laughed a little, "Yeah, I liked him. I'm making him come to dinner
tonight so I can get to know him a little better."

Chelsea laughed, "Oh, he'll love that. He'll be so nervous it will be
hilarious."

"No, he won't. He met mom last night when he picked me up..."

"Sure, but he talked to her for, what, 2 or 3 minutes? I know Zach. He'll
be nervous."

My mom said, "Well, I'll make sure and put him at ease if he starts to look
like he'll wig out."

"Wig out?" Chelsea asked.

"It's my mother for `get nervous'." I replied.

For the rest of the afternoon, I relaxed or at least pretended to. I read,
I watched TV, I played a game. I spent probably an hour looking at cat
videos sitting upside down in the chair in my room. I was desperate not to
think about what this meant, mostly because I didn't want to get in my head
about it. He was serious, that I knew, and I knew I was in love with
him. It wasn't a grudging admission to myself, I was comfortable with it,
but it all happened so fast.

I always saw myself with someone, I just didn't think that someone would
come along right now, a few months shy of my 18th birthday. I thought, you
know, maybe after college and after I've travelled a bit more (and fucked
or been fucked by anything that moved for, I don't know, another 10 or 20
years). Now that was all defenestrated like some poor Russian who'd run
afoul of Putin.

Everything was a question now, I realized as I slowly went down the rabbit
hole. Would he be fine if I kept modeling? What about where we want to go
to school? What if I want to go back to Texas at some point?

And then, about 4, it occurred to me... we may be in love, but we've been
together for less than a day and there's a lot we'll have to sort. Well,
everything other than the fucking around, which was clearly at an end for
both of us. Being in an open relationship may work for some people, but it
wouldn't work for me. I'm selfish.

I didn't give a crap about a wedding and the other things on which people
newly in relationships dwelt. But I did care about some basic ground rules
for how we behaved toward each other, that I cared about a great deal.

I started to get ready and by 15 till 7, I was downstairs helping my mother
who was laying things out on the table. I carried hors d'oeuvres into the
living room where mom had things laid out on a table where we occasionally
(read VERY rarely) played hearts and bridge. I had to admit, what my mother
had picked up while trying to make up for my father's professional
shortcomings was impressive. She'd long ago mastered the ability to
entertain at a moment's notice on a budget out of necessity, to balance out
my father's lack of talent with his ambition. If not for her, well, he'd
probably be inhouse counsel at an insurance company fighting claims.

At 7 exactly, while mother and I were sampling the stuffed tomatoes she'd
made, the doorbell rang. As I opened the door, I have to admit I was
excited just to see him again. He was wearing a button down with chinos and
looked damn handsome wearing an ear-to-ear smile that just wouldn't quit.

Once I got the door closed behind him, he pulled me into a hug and gave me
a very chaste kiss that was really sweet (my mom even commented on his
self-awareness later, citing this kiss specifically). At that point, my mom
made herself known and he walked over to her, only to be met with one of
her hugs.

"Thank you for inviting me to dinner, Ms. Edelman," and offered the flowers
he was holding to her.

She smiled, "You're very welcome and thank you for the flowers. I'm glad
you could come because I really want to get to know you better."

We grazed and chatted until my mother excused herself to check on dinner.

"Oh my God, can you see me sweating?" he asked.

"No, you look fine! Don't tell me you're nervous."

He snorted, "Ok, I won't tell you, then."

"What's to be nervous about?"

At that point, my mother re-entered the room and stopped cold, looking at
us both.

"What did I miss?"

I laughed, "Nothing but Zach being nervous." That caused Zach's face to
deepen to a really nice cherry color.

My mom walked over to him, and gave him another hug.

"You have nothing to be nervous about. My son's quite fond of you and I'm
very partial to his opinion."

Not missing a beat, Zach replied, "I don't think there's really any way to
get through this without being nervous. And I know you and Tate are very
relaxed, but tonight is a much bigger deal for me than it is for you two."

"How so?"

"It's me auditioning and I refuse to mess it up."

My mom looked at him curiously, "For what are you auditioning?"

"The role of boyfriend," Zach replied with a smile.

"Oh, honey, you already got that role or you wouldn't be here right
now. Seriously, this was just so I could get to know you better, not pass
judgment. You took care of that last night with the only person that
matters."

And that seemed to finally calm him down a bit.

I asked what he'd like to drink and went to the kitchen to get him the soda
he wanted, maybe a little slower than usual since I legit wanted to give
him time to be with my mother. If he could hold his own with her, this
would be a huge success.

As I walked back I overheard what I thought was her version of our
California Adventure.

"...and I got an offer from EismanFisher, but they wanted me local to the
office in Palo Alto. The school year had ended and I thought it was time
for a change, for both of us."

I handed him the drink and he asked, "Was it hard giving up everything back
in Texas?"

My mom laughed lightly, "I miss housing and gas prices in Texas, but not
much else."

We continued to chat, and eat, a bit longer before my mother left, only to
come back a minute later and tell us dinner was served.

She'd set everything up in the dining room and was already filling bowls
with delicious white stew. This was one of our favorites, pure comfort
food. Considering the stress of the last 6 months, it was very much
appreciated.

We all finally sat down and started to eat. I didn't even try to work the
conversation in any direction, which was good because he kept talking to my
mom about what she did. She was a newly minted CIO at a startup that was
spinning off a lot of cash. So, the owners decided it was time to bring in
someone who could compound it and my mother's track record there was
stellar. One of the reasons her divorce had taken so long was the fight
over her retirement accounts, which really embittered her with my
father. He'd long ago insisted they maintain separate retirement accounts
and aside from occasional advice to my father (which he stupidly ignored)
and some from him to my mother (which she wisely ignored), that's the way
it had been... until the property settlement when my father discovered that
my mother's Roth IRA alone was substantially larger than his.

Prior to that, he'd argued vehemently for a `equitable' property
settlement. After his discovery, everything `really needed to be split
equally'. Of course, my mother was having none of it and in exchange for
cutting off parental rights and letting go of any claims on her retirement
assets, she'd let him off the hook on alimony and child support. Since he
made more money at the time, it had been a good decision on his part. He
didn't know that the day after the final decree was entered, she signed her
HR paperwork for her new job.

Listening to the two of them I was struck by how alike they were. They were
both very analytical and smart as hell. I often thought I wasn't as clever
as my mother, that my father's genes were effectively dumbing me down just
a bit, but even with the congenital defect I was able to follow their
conversation. One thing that was crystal clear was how much she really
liked him. I've watched her talk with people my entire life and only seen
her really engaged with a handful of people close to her, either in life or
work. My father wasn't one of them. My boyfriend was.

At one point he asked me when I would be doing another shoot. I just
laughed and told him, "That's a bit of a sore subject right now."

"What do you mean?"

And my mother decided to step in, "He means that I asked him not to work at
all this year and he's still a little bent out of shape about it."

"I'm not bent out of shape; I just don't know why you want to make me put
my career on pause."

"OH stop. I asked one thing from you which was to enjoy your senior year
like a normal kid. I didn't want you planning trips to walk down a runway
in Paris or do a photo shoot in Dubai or Shanghai. Most kids would have
been thrilled if their parents told them 'you don't have to work '."

"Yeah, I know..."

"No, you don't or you wouldn't be complaining. You're going to have a
career for another 10 years and you're going to do so much with it. But
already you've had to make sacrifices you shouldn't have to make as a
child. And I want better for you. Next year you can travel and figure out
how to do school, but this year I just wanted you to be you, especially
after everything you went through."

I winked at her hoping it would shut her up. It worked as she quickly
worked over the last part.

"I know the divorce was hard on you and now the move. Just take a year and
don't add work into it."

"Honestly, I love the idea of you being here with me," Zach offered, which
made my mother snort.

"See, even Zach agrees with me!" which made them laugh, and I only laughed
along mockingly. Zach needed to be less of a suck up.

"How did the whole modelling thing start? Did you enter a competition?" he
asked.

"No, it's much weirder. When he was in 9th grade, we were having lunch
while shopping at Neimans and this woman kept looking at us. I just assumed
she was some nasty old cougar, Dallas is lousy with them," my other
explained. "She finally came over and introduced herself as Nina Shelk from
Daladier Talent in NEW YAWK. She asked if I'd ever considered letting `the
boy' model and I said no. She said `That's a shame. A face like that could
sell anything and it's a good way for him to make some real money for his
future.'" I have to admit, I loved when my mom did her imitation of Nina.

"So, I took her card," my mother continued, "and over the next few days I
did some research and found out Nina was an actual agent and Daladier was
well regarded. So, I called her back and we set up a session so Tate could
have some head shots made."

"That was a treat. The photographer hated me," I said.

Zach laughed, "What do you mean, hated you?"

"I mean he hated me. I never did anything to him but from the moment I
walked in he was asshole deluxe. Called me `pretty boy'..."

"Well, and I don't mean to take a side, but..." Zach said, laughing as my
mom started up as well.

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway he did the shots and then sent everything to Nina. She
called my mom and got her permission to `shop me'. That next weekend, I had
my first gig."

"What was that?" Zach asked.

"A charity runway show in Houston and it ended up being a lot of fun, if
not particularly spectacular money."

My mom laughed, "By the time he paid Nina her 15% and paid for the
portfolio, he only made like $1000 off that first show but it was a good
experience and gave him a runway video, which helped Nina sell him up."

Zach cleared his throat, "Is this something you like?"

I looked at him, wondering where this was going, "Yeah, I guess. Well,
there are times I'm annoyed with it and things I miss out on because of
it..."

"Like July this year!" My mother blurted out.

"Mom, come on. It was worth it."

"No, it wasn't. The look of exhaustion I saw on your face when I picked you
up at the airport was crushing. No matter what, you're still my baby and
you can't do that to yourself."

I smiled tightly at Zach, "I overscheduled July, that I can admit. I know
better now."

"OK, this is something you like to do and it's going to continue?" he
asked.

I didn't hesitate, "Yes. For better or worse, it's part of me now. I've
become comfortable with the people and the designers. I even like some of
them. It's usually a good experience and it's good money."

"Good to know," he said, smiling back at me. "It helps me to know where
things stand so I don't start making unreasonable demands."

WHOA. I glanced over at mom whose eyes were wide. Then I looked back at
Zach.

"Well, for the next year, you're not going to need to worry about it."

"Yeah, sure, but I'm thinking about the future. This is something you like,
you're good at, and it's remunerative. I need to work with that, it's part
of being with you and I now know that."

My mom looked at him, then looked at me, "Well, why don't we talk about
you. Are you involved in any sports?" which caused him to cough and sputter
a bit.

"Yes, ma'am, I play football and love it."

Now, it was my turn, "So is football something you like to do that's going
to continue?"

He smiled, "Yeah, it is."

"Good, now I can avoid making unreasonable demands."

My mother groaned, "My son, the comic."

When we finished, we helped my mother clean up then drove into San
Francisco for a show Chelsea got us into. At the door, Zach told them his
name and they let us in, after putting giant X's on the back of our hands
to keep us from being served. So much for having a fake ID.

The show was good, not great. Kind of like ska mixed with early 1990's
grunge, with a bit of dubstep thrown in just to make it all that much
weirder. Trust me, it worked, just not all that well. The highlight of the
evening was Ben hooking up with a guy from Berkeley who'd talked his ear
off about Democratic Socialism. Zach earned big points as he introduced me
to people as his boyfriend, and left out everything else about me other
than my name. Which I loved. I knew he was trying to let people meet me on
my terms, and it meant a lot to me that he did it without me having to ask.

ZACH

As we walked back to the truck, I thought it was time to ask him about
something I picked up on at dinner.

"I want to ask you about something your mom mentioned tonight, what
happened last year?"

His face twisted up a bit, "Just the divorce and the move. Why?"

I stopped walking and looked at him, eye to eye. "Your mom was about to say
something else, then you winked at her. If it's too much to talk about..."

He exhaled sharply then looked up at the sky in a clearly frustrated
move. "Man, I can't hide anything from you, can I?"

"Are you trying to?"

"Well, yeah... sure I am. There are some things I'm not ready to talk
about, at least not yet. But it doesn't matter because you're just going to
pick up on it and then needle it out of me," he finished, somewhat
exasperated. His reaction was way overdone, which led me to believe this
was not 'some thing', it was 'something'.

"We haven't known one another long, but surely you feel that you can trust
me enough to share with me and know, whatever it is, I'm not going to judge
you."

"I know, but I wanted to wait to talk about until you knew me better. It
didn't have anything to do with you."

"Yes, it does. From what you're telling me, you wanted me to get to know
you better before you told me, ostensibly because I will love you so much I
won't be freaked out about `it'. What you missed is that, whatever it is,
you're not going to scare me. I'm already in love with you, there's nothing
you've done that's going to make me question that."

"It's not something I DID, it's something that was done TO me," he snapped
back at me.

And I froze. I knew I needed to be careful here since whatever it was had
him so twisted up, he didn't trust me with it.

I touched him gently and he looked up at me.

"My love for you isn't conditional. There's nothing you're going to tell me
that's going to make me stop loving you." I kissed him softly, "You don't
have to worry."

" I just don't know how I'll deal with..."

"With what?"

The tears pooled in his eyes finally began to fall down his cheeks, "With
you thinking I'm damaged goods."

I grabbed him and held him tightly as he quietly sobbed into my chest.

"That won't ever happen. That I can promise you."

And with that, he drew about an arm's length away from me, took a couple of
cleansing breaths, and started to tell me the story.

TATE

"Something happened to me earlier this year, and it has nothing to do with
the divorce and the move" I said, wishing like hell this topic hadn't come
up as the tears started to well up in my eyes again.

I felt his hand on my back and looked over at him as I cried. It wasn't
ugly crying; I'd finished that months ago in therapy. No, this was the pain
of having to share something horrible with someone newly in my life and for
whom I felt a tremendous amount of affection. Someone I was hoping wouldn't
think the worst.

It took me a few minutes to composed myself and I told him the story.

"Last year, I was raped." I waited for a second, then looked over to see
his face and eyes full of nothing but sympathy and decided to press
on. "I'd just finished tennis practice and was one of the last people in to
get cleaned up. Varsity sports shared a locker room, and this was the
offseason for the football guys. A guy named Derek Tillet had been lifting
and he'd seen me earlier I guess and decided to wait. He caught me in the
shower after everyone had cleared out."

I let out a sob and he tried to get closer to me, but I told him, "No, let
me get this out. You were honest with me last night and I need to be honest
with you." I got myself back together and continued, "I tried to fight him
off, but he was about 50 pounds heavier than me. I did give him a black eye
and I busted his nose, but he got what he wanted and when he was done, he
just dropped me to the floor. I didn't say anything, just got up, shut off
the shower, and slowly made my way back into the locker room. I was just
stunned, I couldn't believe what had happened to me, and I was on autopilot
as I dressed. I made it home in kind of a daze until I walked into the
house and saw my mother.

"That's when I lost it. She packed me in her car and took me to the
hospital. The police showed up and they completed a rape kit. It was brutal
but I made it through. By the time I got in bed that night, filled with
Ambien, I was still a mess. After that first week, there were three groups
of people: A large one who didn't believe any of it, a smaller one who
believed it but thought I'd asked for it, and a tiny one who believed
me. Old friends disappeared and my father, who was in the second group,
moved out. My mother told me to just focus on making it to the end of the
year and I did. By the end of it, I'd been in more minor scuffles than I
could count and had a huge number of people who made no secret of the fact
that they thought I was a giant slut. It's weird being a guy who was raped,
as if you should have been able to fight him off. It's worse when you're
gay since you were `probably asking for it', as if anyone asks for that. I
got to hear it all, but it didn't break me, I'd made it through the worst
that life had to offer. Before that day, I wasn't tough. I didn't know what
that word really meant. Now, I see tough looking back at me in the mirror
every single day."

"Last night you made a crack about life being different for people who are
attractive, but you don't really get it. Being attractive is a mixed
bag. You attract all the good, and terrible, people in your vicinity and it
can be crushing. I didn't do anything to lead Derek on. I never
propositioned him; I barely even spoke to him. And I knew, without any
doubt, what he wanted from me the moment he first accosted me more than a
year ago. I saw the naked aggression and the desire in his eyes and it
didn't excite me, it terrified me. I told people about him and explained
why I thought something was wrong with him and I was just brushed
off. `Derek is an athlete', they said; he didn't need to bother with
someone like me. He was good looking and he wouldn't put himself out, even
for someone like me. And he walked right through all those opinions and
raped me."

"Have the police done anything?"

"They handed everything over to the DA and then they make the decision to
take the case to the Grand Jury to indict. I think it's supposed to happen
in October."

"I wish more than anything I could take care of him for you."

I smiled weakly, knowing what he meant, "I'd never let you do that. He
isn't worth your time."

"Sure he is. Anyone who hurts someone I care about is worth my time." He
paused, sighing deeply, then continued, "The way I am with you isn't who I
am with everyone else. Chelsea was right, I am rough around the edges for a
gay guy. It helps that being physical is something I actually enjoy, and
when I say enjoy, I really mean it. I love football and I love when someone
gets taken out of the game because I hit them so hard they felt it in their
feet. And while I don't start fights, I've finished quite a few
eagerly. Fucking this Derek guy up would be my pleasure."

I looked over at him with fresh eyes, realizing I'd missed something big
because of his decision to handle me, metaphorically, with kid gloves. He
wasn't a boy on the verge of manhood, he was a man with a keen sense of
justice and no real limits. He would exert whatever force was necessary to
get his way and very little would make him reconsider, let alone stop.

"Chelsea actually kind of played the reality of you down. I think you've
been holding back on me," I said with a smile breaking through the sadness.

"A little. I didn't want to scare you. Look, I know you say I'm your dream
guy, but you're a fantasy to me, too perfect to be real. And it's every
part perfect, so much so that it almost hurts to look at you sometimes. The
idea of me scaring you off I just couldn't take. And I don't want to
now..."

"You're not, but this side of you IS really you, isn't it?

He smiled, "Yeah, It's like breathing to me and I promise..."

"You can stop worrying about me," I said.

He looked at me curiously, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I am. This doesn't change how I feel, if anything it makes it more
real because I'm not seeing who you want to project, I'm seeing you and I
know it sounds weird, but I feel like I can trust you. That whatever
happens, you'll be there."

"I do keep telling you that," he replied.

I started to laugh, "Yeah, you do and I believe it, even if I get into a
fight."

"Oh, especially then... you're not some weirdo who likes to pick fights and
then watch your boyfriend own someones ass, are you?"

"No, I promise. It is nice to know that I have some backup if things do get
out of hand, because I'm not much of a fighter."

He smiled, shaking his head, "Guys like you never are..." which made me
laugh as I hugged him.

I pulled back and looked him in the eyes, "Are we still good? No regrets?"

He looked at me with the biggest smile I'd ever seen, "Yes and none."

We finished our walk back to the truck silently, hand in hand. After we got
on the road, I decided we might as well have the talk I wanted to have.

"I feel kind of weird doing this, but I need to talk to you about a few
things."

"Like what? You sure we haven't talked about enough tonight?"

I took a breath, "It's just relationship stuff. Well, maybe not stuff so
much as one thing."

He glanced over at me, "What's on your mind?"

"Monogamy," I said casually. I seriously wasn't nervous because as much as
I liked him, that was one thing I wouldn't compromise.

He cleared his throat, "I have no intention of sharing you with anyone," he
spit out kind of gruffly, looking at me for emphasis.

"Good. Just wanted to make sure we were on the same page."

We got on the freeway not long after and I could tell from the flexing of
his forearm that he was anything but settled. I finally decided to break
the silence between us.

"Are you OK?"

"Mmmhum," roughly, was all I got in return.

It was maybe two more minutes of silence before he blurted out, "Did you
think I'd be OK with you hooking up with other people?"

And I laughed, "No, not anymore than I'd be OK with you hooking up with
other people. That's what I meant when I said I wanted to make sure we were
on the same page."

"Are we?" he asked.

Now, I was confused, "I want to be with you. I don't want to be with anyone
else, nor do I want to share you with anyone else. Do you feel the same?"

"Yes," he responded, obviously relieved.

I laughed, "We should really work on how we communicate," which thankfully
made him laugh a bit, too.

"I honestly hadn't even thought about it, but I know open relationships are
common and I should have. I should have listened more closely to what you
were saying."

"It's cool. This is pretty much it in terms of things I care about. You can
obligate me to things and I won't really care that much. I'm easily
entertained, as you can tell from my reaction to the show."

He looked over at me, "I thought you liked it?"

I laughed, "How did I give you that impression?" I asked, incredulous.

"You told Chels you had a good time," he responded.

"Ah, well, I did. I was with you and I enjoyed meeting people and seeing
her and even Ben. But did I say I enjoyed the show?"

You could almost hear the wheels turning in his head before he slowly
looked at me smiling.

"No, you didn't."

"Thanks to my mother, I'm kind of a master at being cool about things I
don't really like."

"OK, but promise you'll be more direct with me? Trying to figure out Subtle
Tate is going to take me some time."