Date: Sun, 7 May 2023 22:48:32 +0000 (UTC) From: Don Cornelius Subject: Heartbeat, Chapter 6 This is a work of fiction. Any similarities between the story and reality are purely coincidental. Please contact the author at doncornelius69 AT yahoo DOT com. Copyright 2023 Please take a moment to donate to Nifty. Your contributions keep the archive going. https://donate.nifty.org/ Authors Note : To those of you have written, THANK YOU! Getting notes from y'all really makes my day! TRIGGER WARNING -- Discussion of Sexual Assault CHAPTER SIX TATE About two weeks before Thanksgiving, I got a call on Saturday afternoon from David Fitzsimmons. I hadn't heard from him in weeks." "Where've you been?" I asked as I answered the phone. "Law school, remember?" I laughed, "Sure, smartass, but you could have called." "I'm doing something better. I'm heading to Palo now and need your address." That made me sit up. "WHAT? Today?" He laughed, "Yeah, I figured I'd come see you and meet this guy you've been on about." "And you're just now telling me?!!?" "I guess you didn't see the email I sent?" "No, I didn't. David, where are you right now?" I asked, desperately trying to mask my annoyance. Who does this, I thought to myself. Who the hell just gets in the car, starts driving, and calls on the way to tell someone they're about to show up? David. David does things like this. "I'm coming into San Ramon on 680." Oh, perfect, no way to wave him off. "David, when I didn't respond, you didn't think to maybe send me a text? We have plans tonight." "Come onnnnn, it's me. I haven't seen you since June!" he replied, truthfully. "You are such a pain in the ass at times," I told him, a smile cracking through. "Our address is 2745 Bayless." "I'll be there in about an hour!" "But wait..." And the line was already dead. I quickly called Zach and told him there was a change in plans. Zach was, predictably, upset. "He's just coming into town for no reason? What are we going to do about our plans?" "We're going to go on with them, we'll just have a third with us tonight." Zach snorted, "Oh, great, I can't wait to explain why my boyfriend's ex is out with us." "Well, you could start by saying he's a friend of mine, which is true, and leave it at that," I replied, clearly testy at this point. David's impromptu trip was irritating, but Zach overreacting wasn't helping and I didn't need it. "Yeah, I know, it's just..." "You don't have to feel threatened. I'm telling you, that part of us has been over for a very long time and we both know there's no going back. We're friends and I swear we will never be more." He sighed, calming down finally, "I can't help it, Tate. I'm sorry, I wish like hell I was a better man and you definitely make me want to be one, but right now I just feel insecure as hell." I thought for a second and realized there was nothing I could say that would wash this out of him, it was completely in his head and he would need to get past it himself. "There is only one person I love and that's you. You're not competing with anyone." "I know," he replied in a sullen voice. "Then stop. He's someone I really am quite fond of and someone who will be a good friend to you as well, if you'll give him a chance." Yeah, that last bit... I was winging it. "I love you so much it hurts," he replied and I pictured him, smiling. "I'll be over in 45 and we'll see what his reason for visiting really is all about." I laughed, "I know it's to see me, and it's a good opportunity for him to meet you. I think it's like 40/60." "And you think this is a good night for that?" "Remember, we broke up because we realized the love we felt toward one another wasn't romantic. I wish you'd trust me." I could hear his voice crack a little, "Tate, I'm sorry. I do trust you and I know I'm being stupid. I'll see you tonight and I promise I'll be on my best behavior." My eyes started to moisten up, just a bit, "You're fine, Zach. I love you." Hearing the emotion in his voice, and knowing what it meant, made me emotional. He was giving in on something that made him nervous and he was doing it because he trusted and loved me. "Love you more," was his reply and then he hung up. I walked to my mother's office and gently knocked on the door as I opened it. "So, we have a visitor coming." Mom looked up from her computer and fixed her eyes on me just over her glasses. "Who is coming and when." I smiled, "Well, apparently David decided today, right now, was the perfect time." She glanced at her computer, then returned her gaze to me, "At 5 on Saturday afternoon? He's not planning on driving back, is he?" "I don't know, but I can't imagine he's driven all the way from Davis just to turn around and go back." "Which means he's going to need a place to sleep." "No need to worry, the guest room is already made up." I told her. "Zach is REALLY going to love that." I smiled, "Let me deal with that." "OK. Let me know when he gets here." I decided to get ready because with David here in an hour, my schedule was screwed. I was excited to see him, but this was really inconvenient. I didn't know why suddenly he decided to make the trip, but I suspected it had something to do with my sexual assault becoming public. I'd done several interviews about it after the initial one with the Times. I felt like I needed to raise awareness of sexual violence against gay men and I hoped that being forthcoming about what I went through would help destigmatize it and help others who've been through the same thing come forward. More personally, while my sense of justice may not have been quite as biblical as Zachs, I did hope bringing attention to it would help those charged with investigating and prosecuting take cases like mine seriously. I also hoped it would help other victims to know they weren't alone and they weren't to blame, because that was the hardest part for me. Zach arrived and waited with me for about 10 minutes before the door bell rang. We both went to the door with Zach standing just behind me as I opened it. David walked in like the old friend he was, and gave me a hug. I could feel Zach bristling but he kept his cool. Then David turned to him and offered his hand. "You must be Zach. I'm David." Zach, being petty, grasped his hand and I could see the muscles in his forearms tense up. "Nice to meet you, David." As he let go, David shook out his hand. "That's a hell of a grip you have there, Zach!" "Sorry about that, I sometimes overdo it," he replied, glancing at me. My mother walked in and said, "Oh, David, it's great to see you!" while giving him a hug. "What brings you to Palo Alto?" "Well, schools been crazy, so I haven't been able to come and I didn't want to get into the holidays before visiting the first time." She smiled, "Well, we appreciate all the notice." He laughed, "That wasn't me..." "Mom, his emails were going to junk." "Oh. Well, we are happy to see you. Why don't you put your stuff in the guest room? Do you want anything to drink?" "Yes, ma'am, a Coke would be good." My mom smiled, "You got it." I led David to the guest room while Zach went with my mother, ostensibly to help her with drinks but I was quite sure it was to put some space between him and David. It was clear he didn't just dislike him, he saw him as competition for me and that made Zach weird. This was my first time seeing him like this and I realized his insecurity would become a priority because this was just stupid. As we walked into the guest room, David whispered, "I'm going to need some time alone with him." I sighed, "Why?" He walked over and placed his hands on my shoulders, "Because I love you and I want to make sure he's good for you." "You're going to do this no matter what I say, aren't you?" He smiled, "Yes." "Goddamn it. I don't see you for months, and now you want to come in and be big brother. David, you have to be gentle with him." "Why?" "Because he doesn't understand US. He thinks of you only as an old boyfriend, he doesn't understand who we are to one another. I've tried explaining it to him, but he fixates on us going out three years ago. So, take it easy." David smiled, "I will, but I need to do this. I'm never going to stop looking out for you." "I know and I appreciate it." We walked back into the family room to find my mother and Zach laughing at something on his phone. My mom looked over at David and said, "Come! Sit and tell us all about law school!" "Law school? You're in law school at Cal Davis?" Zach asked. David smiled broadly with obvious pride, "I am." "But how? You just graduated high school two years ago?" Zach asked. "Yeah, but I was already a sophomore when I graduated." I looked over at Zach, "He started taking college classes when he was a junior." "Oh. Man, that's awesome." Zach said, with some degree of enthusiasm which I found surprising. "It did pretty dramatically shorten undergrad," he said to Zach, then to my mother, "It's good. I'm handling it well, even the reading." "Good. I'm really proud of you." She paused, "Unfortunately, I have some work and I think I'm going to leave y'all to your evening." As my mom left, she gestured for me to follow her. When we reached her office, she whispered quietly to me, "If they get into a fight, do not try to break it up." I looked at her with a `what the fuck' face and responded, "What are you talking about?" "Zach is keyed up and David has a smart mouth. Things could rather quickly go out of control and I don't want you injured trying to stop it. It won't be something either intends, but it will happen if you get in the middle. Just let them fight it out if it comes to that." I stood there thinking for a second and just responded, on autopilot, "OK, I will." I walked back and heard the two of them talking about football and as soon as I re-entered the room, David asked Zach if he could talk to him privately on the patio. What my mother had told me suddenly flashed into my mind. "NO!" I shouted. They both looked at me as if I'd grown another head, until Zach's face softened. "Babe, we're just going to talk and I think David wants to be one on one with me. I get it and I'm OK with it." "Yeah, Tate, I just want a chance to get to know him." I stood there looking at them for another ten seconds before saying, "OK, fine. If that's really what you want, feel free to go on the patio and talk. I'll be here." They made their way outside and closed the door behind them while I started playing on my phone. I was pissed because there wasn't a bit of me that bought David's bullshit. He didn't want to get to know Zach, he was telling Zach that there would be consequences for fucking me over, a message he absolutely did not need to deliver. This, in a nutshell, had been a problem with David since Tillet. What he didn't understand was that I could handle myself (though I could admit this was somewhat delusional versus someone like Zach) and didn't need his help. I loved him but I didn't want him feeling like he always needed to swoop in to protect me. Forget the practicality of it all, it was fucking emasculating. I was capable of getting through bad times. If I needed anything from him, it was support if something went wrong, not this. This... this was just a recipe for disaster. ZACH I followed David outside and shivered a bit since it was in the high 50s and overcast. California cold was a thing and while it may not have been comparable to Maine, it still took a bite out of you. He closed the Fleetwood door behind me and then stood there for a moment looking at me. "I really like you and it's important to me that you know that. I don't want you to see me as the enemy, but I have to tell you he means a lot to me. It's not romantic, but he is someone I care about." I cleared my throat, "I get that. Tate's told me everything." He laughed, "I'm glad. I hope you listened to him and you don't see me as competition." I nodded. He continued, "I see the way you are with him and it makes me feel good. Just tell me the truth, you want to go the distance with him?" "Of course, but why does it matter to you?" "Because he matters to me and he's very much in love with you." "David, let me tell you the story of how we met," I said and proceeded to tell him just that, from my perspective. "Trust me when I say, our feelings are mutual. I want and need him in my life. This isn't a temporary thing for me." "Good. I needed to hear you say it." "David, I appreciate who you are to him and what he means to you, I really do. But this is really intrusive and more than a little unfair." David straightened his posture, "Life isn't fair. We know that and we both know that what you're taking on is the responsibility for another person. You get that, right? He doesn't look at you like a friend; he looks at you with nothing but adoration." I nodded. "Then you should understand where I'm coming from. I wasn't there to help him when he was raped and it's burned me. I AM here for him now and I just want to make sure you're as solid as you look." Finally, it made sense to me. For David, Tate was like a brother. David wanted to look after him and make sure he was OK because he'd failed to protect him from Tillet. "David, I get it. I really do. And you can trust me." He smiled broadly, "Let's go back in." Tate was standing there, waiting for us, as we walked back into the house. From the look on his face, I realized something was wrong. "What did you discuss?" he asked, his tone making it clear he wasn't being casual. David spoke up, "I just wanted to talk to him..." "About what? Not hurting me?" David cleared his throat, "Well, yeah. I don't know him but I wanted him know I'm here and that I care about you a great deal." Tate sighed, "David, he knows. I've told him about you and who you are to me." "I wanted him to hear it from me..." "Because Derek Tillet didn't?" The pain that hit David was visible on his face as it fell and his eyes filled with tears. "I knew it," Tate said, sighing deeply. "David, you can't do this. You aren't responsible for what happened to me. Even if you'd been in town..." "Someone should have been. You told people and they didn't listen to you!" David replied, raising his voice. "Yeah, I did and no they didn't. It was horrible and it shouldn't have happened," he said, walking to David. "But it did and there's nothing you could have done to stop it," he finished, hugging David to him tightly as David began to shake with sobs. This had all been about the guilt that David carried for being unable to protect someone he loved. It was guilt with which I was intimately familiar and I realized, as I watched this unfold, that I would have to deal with my own feelings sooner rather than later. What stuck me was how I felt about Tate as this played out. There had been two times in our brief relationship when I'd been genuinely overwhelmed by Tate and this now made three. What I witnessed between him and David was nothing but pure love between two people who cared deeply about one another. At that moment I knew David would be part of our lives forever. I saw something in them that reminded me of my relationship with Ben and Chelsea and made me, quite suddenly, realize something I'd missed. They never gave up on me, even when I tried to force them away. They fought to save me from Joaquin because they loved me. As I watched Tate help David take his first steps from his prison of guilt, I knew I owed them more than the thanks I'd given them and was determined that they understood how I felt. I also realized my place with Tate was never to be the leading man, I was the supporting actor. I would support him in a variety of ways, but the support that would count most, and on which he was already coming to depend, would never be financial and I would never tire of providing it. As I watched him, I realized my future was going to be dominated by him. David calmed down and we told him he was coming with us tonight. We decided on a Mexican place for dinner (by `we' I mean the Texans for whom it wasn't really a meal without salsa and tortillas). We had a good conversation and, while David stopped short of apologizing to me, I realized just how important he was to Tate and now to me. Forget being eaten up by what happened to Tate and the guilt he felt over it (no matter how misplaced), he was now and would always be someone who would be instantly supportive, especially about the press. "So, whose idea was it to do the interviews?" he asked at one point. Tate spoke up first, "That was actually Nina at first. She decided it would be good for my career and that's why I went along with it." "And this all started because of that picture?" "Yeah," I told him. "We saw it the night it was taken when were tagged to it, but neither of us thought anything about it." "Your interviews have been good, by the way," David told me. "Thanks. It's weird but now I'm getting interest from east coast schools and it's really rattling my father." "Why?" I laughed, "Because he went to Stanford and he really wants me to go there as well." He smiled and looked over at Tate, "So I guess not so much with UT?" Tate broke into a smile, "Yeah, I'm pretty well stuck," and he winked at me as he said the last word, making my stomach flip, which David noticed. "Man, you have it just as bad as he does!" Which made both of us laugh. Tate continued, "I was thinking about Berkeley but I don't think my scores or my grades are going to set me apart there. I'm pretty sure..." "HE'S going to Stanford with me," I interrupted and I noticed Tate wince. "Yeah, I don't know why you do that, but it's embarrassing as hell and it tells me you haven't been paying attention. I do not have the SAT scores or the grades to get in there. I play tennis well but not well enough for a scholarship, even if that were an option, so unless Stanford starts a modelling school, I'm SOL. I'm heading for San Jose State so I can stay local." Then he looked directly at David and continued, "He's smart as hell and doesn't get that I'm not." David offered, "You can always retake the SATs." Tate, rolling his eyes, "I have. Twice. My highest score was still my first, 1280. It's just not going to get better and to be honest, it's actually a good score, but I end up feeling bad about it because of everyone else's expectations." That last part was directed at me and I suddenly got it. He didn't need to be constantly reminded he didn't test as well as me. He had already accepted it and the repetition did nothing but reinforce that he was less than. I teared up. "Please don't be mad at me. I wasn't thinking and my reminders have nothing to do with your score. I'm going to force them to admit you." "Zach, you can't do that..." "I absolutely can." "Babe, I love that you want to do that for me, but how successful am I going to be academically at a school I couldn't even get into on my own?" And I froze, then stumbled through this, "I'll help you and we'll get you a tutor." Tate looked at me like I'd grown another head, "No. I love you, but no." The food came which, mercifully, provided a break in our discussion but it didn't end it. "Tate, all he's trying to do is help..." David interjected. "Himself. He's trying to help himself." "Babe, I just want us to be together." "And we can be, with me going to SJ State and you going to Stanford. We can get a place in Santa Clara and be perfectly happy. What you really want is for us to both go to Stanford and you're putting no thought into how I feel about it. I can't get in unless my boyfriend applies pressure to them. Did you ever stop to think about how that would make me feel? I already spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about how I can contribute more and then, in such a casual way it's really breathtaking, you just decide you're going to do this for me?" He started to get up and threw his napkin in his seat, "I need some air. I'm going to step outside." And I watched open mouthed as he walked away and out the door. "Whatever you're thinking, don't." "But..." David sighed, "I know, but I'm telling you this will go better if you give him some space. He's hurt right now. He already feels like the weak link in your relationship and you forcing him into Stanford, that he would need that to get in, has opened that insecurity like a wound and poured salt into it." My stomach sank as I considered what David said, "Oh, fuck." "Yeah," he replied, taking a bite to eat. "Let him come back and then don't say anything. He'll talk to you about it when he's ready." A little over 5 minutes passed before he reappeared and sat back down to eat without a word. David and I continued our conversation about California, with Tate interjecting occasionally. I could feel that he was still angry with me, but I knew he needed to come to me and that I need to apologize. I had to have faith in him to see that my intentions, no matter how stupidly misguided and inconsiderate, were pure. When the check came, he took it and put his card on it, smiling at me as he did so. This was an ongoing thing, since I didn't like him to pay when we were together and I realized how stupid that had been, given what David told me. What made me feel bad was that he'd TOLD me how he felt and I blew it off thinking he was overreacting. Now, in this context, I couldn't stand it. We got up and walked outside and I opened the truck and asked David to give us some privacy. I looked at him and realized he wasn't ready, but I blundered ahead, "I'm sorry. I didn't get it and I don't have an excuse. I love you and I only want to do things for you. I forget you don't need it and that the plan you've made still includes me and I'm just really sorry and I'm begging you to forgive me." All that in one breath. He stood there for a second looking a little deflated, "Can we talk about this later? I think I understand what you're trying to say, but this is a larger conversation." "I...uh..." "I love you, OK? I'm hurt, but I love you. We can have a fight and still be together, you know?" he finished with a smile. I moved close to him and gave him a kiss, then pulled back and looked him in the eyes. "Please be patient with me when I'm stupid." "I am." Am. Not will. Am. Sometimes it's the little things that make you really appreciate someone's heart. We walked over to the truck and got in to silence from David who was in the back seat. We went on to a party and ended up having a good time. I was kind of left out as David and Tate spent a lot of time together, but I understood since I liked to spend time with my brother when he was in town. TATE Zach dropped us off and David went inside, leaving the two of us standing at my front door. Zach looked anxious as hell and despite thinking it was cute, I knew there was a lot of worry behind it. "Zach, you need to calm down." "I know. Do you want to talk now?" I glanced at my phone, "At 1:36 in the morning? No. Baby, tomorrow afternoon I think will be better. I'll call you after David leaves." "OK," he replied, glumly. "Zach, snap out of it. I love you. I don't want you thinking this is the end of the world, it's not. I know you mean well, there's just some stuff you miss and we'll talk about. Please don't be so upset," he finished. Zach's eyes were watering by the time I was done and he wiped at them, "You understood I was trying..." "To do the right thing? Yeah, baby, I got that and you didn't realize how things looked to me. It's ok," I said, leaning into and hugging him tightly. "We're going to be fine." He held me tightly and I thought for a second about how I'd felt when I was down and he hugged me. I hoped I was doing the same thing to him. He pulled back from me with a deep breath, then leaned down to kiss me. "I love you and I'll see you tomorrow," he said, then turned to walk back to his truck. After waiving to him as he left, I went into the house to the guest room where David was reclining on the bed playing with his phone. "How'd it go?" I sighed, "About as well as expected. He's worried but he knows we'll get through it." "You've been holding that in for a while, haven't you?" "Yes. I keep telling him things at the time but it doesn't fit into broader issue in his mind so he blows it off," I said. David shook his head, "He doesn't blow it off, he hasn't connected it all. He's a really good guy, Tate. I'm really happy for you despite the little fight." I smiled, "Yeah, sorry about the drama." "No, it's quite OK," he laughed out. "It was such well contained drama I can't believe I even noticed it." "I wasn't too hard on him, was I," I asked. "No, you were fine. When you talk about all this, you need to be really open with him." "I intend to be," I replied. "Yeah, I know you think you do, but you REALLY need to. To him, you're beautiful and that beauty gives you advantages he'll never have. He doesn't get how vulnerable it makes you or that you're still as insecure as any other person. He doesn't know, so you have to be really raw with him and tell him all of it." "That's exactly what I'm going to get into." He got up from the bed, walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me. "I love you and I'm really happy for you." "Thanks, man. I really appreciate it." I went on to bed and the next morning, mother took us to brunch and David took off about 2 after promising to keep in better touch. Then I texted Zach who showed up less than 5 minutes later which meant he was in the vicinity, probably at Chelsea's. When he got to the house, he was nervous and I told him he didn't need to be, but it didn't get through. "No, I do need to be nervous because when I'm not, I'm far too cavalier and that's the whole reason we're here." "No, it's really not. I'm way more sensitive than I should be about where I am intellectually because I'm not as smart as you. I'm not stupid, but I also know there are limits to what I can handle and I'm afraid Stanford is on the other side of those. When you talk about getting me in or bringing up my SATs it's like stabbing me with that knowledge." "I didn't realize..." "I know you didn't and like I said I'm too sensitive about something I know and I have no control over. I don't know why you doing it gets to me, because I know you're not doing it to hurt me intentionally, but that's what you end up doing. I need you to back off a little and give me some space on this." He walked over to me, "That's just it, if I do that I'm, afraid I'll lose you." I thought for a second about his question, "Zach, do you really think I want to give you up?" "No! But I worry about someone taking you from me." I laughed, "What, I'm a candy bar at a store? Zach, I get hit on NOW and it rolls right off me. Do you have any idea how it makes me feel when you basically call me weak?" "But I'm not..." "You are. You don't get it, but that's exactly what you're doing. You're telling me I'm so weak that someone could come in and make me forget all about you. Do you have any idea how that sounds to me?" He sat down, exasperated as he brought his hands to his head. "I do, but I don't... and I don't think. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say here!" I smiled, for the first time that afternoon, "Just start with I'm sorry and we can go from there." "But I don't know what..." "DO NOT finish that sentence! You do know, you just don't want to admit it." "I am sorry! I just want to make sure I don't lose you." I smiled. This was progress, even if it was in baby steps. "There are two pieces to that. The first, it's stupid on its face. You have me, I have you, and we have each other. The second is all the dumb shit you're willing to do to make it happen. Both ignore me and you need to understand that fucking hurts. It makes me feel like shit when I realize that you didn't listen to me and are instead barreling ahead with whatever fool thing you have cooked up." "Like forcing Stanford to admit you?" "Yeah, babe, exactly like that. I need to ask, is this a shameful thing for you, that your boyfriend will be going to San Jose State?" "No, I promise that's not it! I didn't even think about that. I was just thinking about you being with me." "I am with you. You get that, don't you?" "Yes." "Then stop trying. That Monday after the Times article ran, I needed you. I needed you more than you will ever know and you have no idea how much it helped me holding your hand and having you next to me. That's what I need, not for you to manipulate university admissions to get me into a school I probably can't handle." "I'm sorry," he replied softly. "I'm insecure as hell." "Yeah. You really got in your head on that one." He leaned back and sighed, rubbing his face with his hands as he sat back up. "The insecurity is based on fear. I knew from the day I met you that you were way out of my league..." "But I'm not. I'm exactly in your league." "No, you're not. People pay you to take your picture while wearing their clothes. If you really got aggressive with influencing on Insta..." "What are you talking about?" "You're beautiful and there are a thousand guys out there better than me who could take you from me." The things that went through his head sometimes amazed me. I smiled at him, "No, they couldn't. I love you and no one is going to come along and break that. No one is going to change how I feel about you. But I can't drill that into you, at some point you have to feel it and you have to trust me." "But I do!" he declared. "No, you don't. You can barely accept that I'm not as smart as you and you have no idea that's something I genuinely find attractive about you. It intimidated me for bit but I finally just made peace with it and realized that you were in love with all of me." He sat there for a second, then glumly said, "Then why can't I realize you're in love with all of me?" I sighed, "I don't know, baby, but you need to figure it out because this is a drag. It hurts like hell when you so blithely coast right over me without even thinking about it how it makes me feel. You have to understand it's not like some stranger or someone I barely know being an asshole," and I crouched down in front of him and took his hands in mine, "it's the person I love. It's the man I want by my side for the rest of my life. And it really fucking hurts." I saw the tears building up as I spoke and as the last word rolled off my lips, he broke down. I sat next to him an he folded himself up, trying to make himself small enough for me to hug him like that. It actually made me tear up a bit. "Please, give me time to fix this." I smiled, then leaned in to kiss him, "I'm not going to anywhere." We sat like that for another hour, then he got up to use the bathroom and came back, sat down, and he pulled me into him. I felt relief wash over me as I felt him coming back from earlier. We were both changing for each other and it wasn't the smoothest thing in the world. Well, it had been far smoother for me than it had been for him. In a short time, he'd changed my life dramatically and was remaking me, unintentionally but very much with my consent. That may sound odd, but he didn't know all that he was doing to me. Beautifully ignorant was all I could think when I realized how he was subtly changing me in ways I was quite happy about and thoroughly engaged with. I felt stronger because of him and the only nagging issue was that I wanted to do more for him, to be more for him. I knew I could be, but I also knew that to him I was enough as is. I just needed him to realize the same. ZACH Our talk brought to the surface some really stupid insecurities I needed to deal with in order to be the man I wanted to be for him. Ultimately, that was my goal because I knew what everyone else suspected, that he was special. His soul was beautiful. I can't think of a better or more poetic way to put it. Some people you just feel good around because there's something almost magical inside them. That had been obvious to me since we first started dating, but over time the knowledge of it started to cloud my thinking because I was no longer competing with other men for someone who was beautiful, I was competing for someone with an amazing heart. And no, never once in all my paranoia did it ever dawn on me that the race had been run and I'd already won. I ended up talking to Darren that night, trying to put it all together. He'd had some similar issues with Shelly, but it had gone much further than what I was dealing with now. "I was a total idiot and it made me do some stupid shit," he said. "Like?" I asked. "Picking fights, mainly. Anyone even looked at her and I felt the need to beat the crap out of them. I did it a few times, too. Then she finally decided enough was enough and had it out with me. At first, I was mad because I thought she didn't understand I was just doing it to protect her, but she tore right through that and dug into me. The conversation lasted 45 minutes and by the end of it I was in a ball crying." I cleared my throat since I was kind of choked up, "And that helped?" He sighed, "Not all at once, but over time, yeah. She was going to leave me. What I'd been so desperate to stop, I was actually causing." "We're our own worst enemies." "But it's going to be so much easier for you." "How?" I asked, not at all sure that was true. "Because you have me and because you haven't gone nearly as far as I have." I laughed, "We just haven't been together as long." Darren laughed, "It's not just that, you're a better man than I am. And I'm not trying to puff you up, I really mean it. You didn't fall down as far with Tate and you're already clearer headed than I was now that he's told you to change. And you will, man. I promise you're going to come out of this feeling so much more secure with him." "That's the part I don't get. I don't see..." "He picked you, dumbass. He chose you. He wants to be with you without conditions." "Well, other than me not trying to run his life and make decisions for him," I laughed out, wiping tears from my eyes. "That's the thing. He's still with you despite all that. The root of everything you're feeling is insecurity and that's something you have to fix. You have to remember, regardless of anything else floating in your head, HE PICKED YOU. This is a guy who can have anyone he wants and I'm sure dudes have thrown themselves at him all over the world. None of that stuck, but you did. That's all you need to focus on. The rest is going to take work, but that's the core you need to build off, to always remember is that he picked you." By the time Darren was finished, I was bawling and a pretty big mess. "Bro, you didn't need to lay it on." "Yeah, I really did. You needed to hear it. I love you so much, man and I'm really happy for you. You're going to get through this and come out the other side so much more confident, in both yourself and in him. That's what this is about, bro. Just let it happen." I cleaned up and went to bed, still really uncertain. The next morning, I woke up feeling much better and when I made it to his house, he was already downstairs having breakfast with his mom and sitting at the table was a plate of food for me. Not long after I sat down, Tate's mother had to leave so we said our goodbyes, then I sat back down to finish. Tate sat across from me, small smile on his face as he watched me eat. "Are you feeling better?" he asked. I nodded yes, deciding not to open my mouth which was full of eggs and sausage. Then, after taking a drink to wash everything down, I told him about my conversation with Darren. His eyes sparkled as he said, "He nailed it. How did he do that without even knowing me?" "We've talked a lot, mostly because being with you has been something really new for me. He's heard about everything and he also knows me. He knows the stuff I try to hide and how I hide it. He can dig down and see what I'm trying to avoid." He smiled, "I can't wait to meet him." TATE The Tuesday before Thanksgiving I woke up to a missed call from Nina's office and a text from her admin, Pam, when I got up the next morning. `Pls call Eddie Ramirez 972-555-1212. Says he's a friend from Dallas trying to reach you. Doesn't have your CA number. -- Pam' Now, this was odd for a number of reasons, the first one being that I didn't have a CA number, I'd kept my Dallas number when we moved. Everyone had to use an area code anyway, so what difference did it make if someone had to dial 214 rather than 650? The other was that I didn't have a friend named Eddie Ramirez. Curious, I called the number, not really knowing what to expect and I got his voicemail. Rather than leaving a message, I texted. `This is Tate Douglas returning your call to my agent's office. Please call me as soon as you can.' And then I started to get ready for the day. I had a test that day which I was pretty well prepared for in Calculus. Zach had helped me study after I made him promise to actually help me rather than spend time trying to molest me. And it worked. There had been a few things I was having issues with and Zach patiently explained them to the point where I felt I could teach them. Aside from the test, it was an easy day. At lunch, I felt my phone vibrate and picked it up to answer. "Hello?" "Tate Douglas?" "Yes?" "I'm Eddie Ramirez." "Oh, yeah, my friend from Dallas?" I said laughing a little. "I'm really sorry about lying to the people at your agency but I really needed to speak to you. I'm calling because I was raped by Derek Tillet about a month ago." Chels told me later she could see me getting paler as the blood drained from my face. "Hello?" he asked, since I was dead silent. I finally got myself back together and asked him, "Have you talked to the police?" "Yes. I also had a witness who came forward to confirm what Tillet had done the night he attacked me." I sighed, "I'm so sorry this happened to you. I tried to do everything I could to get him off the street..." "I know, and I appreciate it. I've seen you on TV a few times and that's why I knew I needed to reach out. The witness who came forward is Aaron McGee and he mentioned that he knew what Derek had done to you as well." This new information made sense. Aaron was friends with Derek, they played football together, and as far as I knew he was one of the people who believed Derek but, oddly, he never gave me any shit. "Can you text me his phone number?" I asked, softly. "Sure. I told him he should reach out to you and, I swear to God, he started to cry. I think he feels terrible about staying silent." "He probably feels worse about how I was treated at school in the aftermath." I heard him sigh, deeply, "I'm so sorry." "Thank you, but you've been through it, too. We both know how it is." "Yeah. I wanted to tell you," he stopped to take a breath and I knew he was tearing up, "hearing you talk about what you went through has been really helped me. I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but it's a relief to know I'm not alone and that I'm not to blame." "I don't and I know what you mean. Thank you for the number and for taking the time to call. Let me know if you need me to testify for you." "You'd do that for me?" "Of course. I want him in jail as much as you." "Thank you so much!" he said with genuine gratitude. I looked over at Chels, and then the rest of the table, realizing everyone had a pretty good idea what the call was about, so I filled in the blanks for them. The words cqame easier but the emotions were still there. I thought I was controlling them well until Chels handed me a napkin. Only then did I realize I was crying. Would there ever be a time I would be able to talk about this with at least a modicum of emotional detachment, I wondered. Later that afternoon, I told Zach about what happened and he insisted we call Aaron together. He wanted to be there and it meant so much to me that I got emotional again and hugged him tightly. He didn't say anything, he just held me until I calmed down. I finished up school and went home, going about anything that would keep my mind occupied. I did what little homework I had and then worked on a paper. Zach came around 6 and we spent some time with my Grandfather who'd flown in on Sunday for the week. My mom walked in about 630 and we sat down to eat the food she brought home from an Italian place we both loved. I filled her in as we ate and she winced when I said Aaron's name. She'd been friends with his mother until the attack. After it, Mrs. McGee stopped returning her calls and it hurt her. "Are you sure you want to talk to him?" I wiped my mouth, sitting back in my chair, nodding. "I do," I sat there for a second looking at her, "I don't know what he wants to tell me, but even if there's a chance he knows something that could help the prosecutors, I want to hear him out." She shook her head, "I just don't like it. Out of the blue, he reaches out through someone else Derrick attacked?" "Mom, he reached out because of the interviews I've done." My grandfather cleared his throat, "Beverly, the boy knows what he's doing," he told her, then turned to me and started to choke up, "I know what you've been through hasn't been easy and I'm really impressed with how you've handled it. You've always been an amazing person, but... well... I just wanted you to know how proud I am of the man you're becoming." I nodded back at him, "Thank you, granddaddy." After we cleared up dinner, Zach and I went up to my room and I psyched myself up to make the call. When I finally did, it started about as I expected it would. "Hey Aaron, it's Tate. Eddie Ramirez told me to call you..." He seemed, not panicked but a little out of breath, "Oh my God. I didn't expect you to call so soon. Look, there's something I need to say..." "Ok..." "There is nothing I will ever do that will make up for my silence when you were struggling last year. All I can do is apologize for turning my back on you when I knew the truth." "How did you know I was telling the truth," I asked. "I left early that afternoon and had to come back because I left my gear in my locker. When I came back, I heard you crying out and when I looked in the shower, I saw him..." I felt my heart accelerate. "Oh, fuck, why didn't you stop him?" "I was scared. I saw my best friend raping another guy and I didn't know what to do. I should have helped you and I didn't and I'm so sorry." I took a minute to calm down. There were so many things I wanted to say, but knew I couldn't. This had to be productive. Now there was a witness. Now there was someone who saw what happened to me. "Have you talked to the DAs office or the police?" I asked, trying to contain the adrenaline coursing through me. "That's why I wanted to get in touch with you. I've tried three times but they won't return my call." I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I knew why. "What about with ... did the Dallas County DA talk to you? " "They've already had me testify in front of the grand jury." I felt the room start to spin and realized something was very wrong. "Aaron, I need... I... I, uhm, I need to call you back." I told him and hung up. I looked over at Zach and I stumbled a bit, then collapsed. 30 minutes later I came to, lying on my bed with my head was in Zach's lap. He was playing with my hair, a favorite thing for him and something I found very relaxing. I started to sit up and he pushed me gently back down, easily overpowering my feeble efforts. "Babe, just relax and take it easy, ok?" I nodded ok and he called for my mother. She came in and sat on the bed next to me, looking at me, "Are you feeling ok? From what Zach said it sounded like an anxiety attack?" I sighed, nodding my head. She had seen two of them last spring. "Yes, ma'am," I said, starting to tear up, "Aaron saw the whole thing. He could have stopped it and... and.." at that point I become pretty incoherent as she hugged me. I pulled back from her and took a deep breath. "He's tried three times to make a statement to the DA and police and they won't schedule anything." And I saw my mother's emotional state flip from empathy to barely contained rage. We both realized, right then, Collin County was never going to act. The ADA who'd been so helpful and happy to talk to us had stopped returning calls weeks ago and it suddenly made sense. Collin County was burying the case against the man who raped me. Now it was time to make some fucking calls.