Chapter Four: Growing Pains

As the afterglow from our passionate exchange began to die off, there was still a smile so attached to my face that I wondered if I could ever feel this good again. I silently examined Jeff in the moonlight and realized just how perfect life could be for people. All the worries I had ever had were now so far away from me to even cross my mind. The only thing it seemed I would ever need in this life was lying peacefully next to me in my arms. How could something that feels so right, so good, and so pure; be considered evil by others?

The summer sun felt exotic against my skin as it's warmth seemed to vaporize any coldness within my body. I glanced at my watch and saw the time was nearing noon. Jeff and I had brought in the morning properly: with each other.

"So babe, what do you want to do today?" Jeff asked me.

"I'd like to just stay here with you, but we have classes tomorrow. We should really be studying."

"Yeah, that's a good idea. We can study here if you want if you're not ready to go back home."

"That works for me. I'll just have to share your book," I added.

"Well, I don't think that'll be a problem. You've already shared much more than that of mine," Jeff said with a smile. I began to laugh and I leaned over and kissed him. We slowly got to our feet and Jeff retrieved his books from the trunk of his car.

With the high sun overhead, we spent a solid two hours reviewing theories of Freud, the hierarchy of needs, and various types of conditioning and how they work on a faded red picnic table outside of the pavilion. The time flew by while we talked the material over between us for further understanding.

I finally closed the book with a resounding THUD. I took Jeff's hands in mine and caressed them.

"Babe, have you given thought to what you're going to do after graduation?" It's funny how I rush into relationships without thinking of outside forces that will affect them later.

Jeff let out a slow sigh and began to respond, "Well, I've been accepted to college. It's three hours away, so I mean, it's not a huge uncrossable distance."

"But it's enough to strain us," I added, looking down. Jeff squeezed my hands reassuringly.

"Hey, Curt, come on. You think I'm going to let three hours ruin what we've made in three days?"

"Fools rush in," I sighed.

Jeff looked hurt. "Is that all you think this is? A hasty attempt at loving you? Curt, please say you don't believe that."

I sat for a moment in silence. I knew, or at least felt in my heart, that this was love; but my mind was telling me otherwise. A voice inside was telling me to be careful--don't let yourself get hurt. The silence must have been a cue for Jeff because he let go my hands, stood up and walked to the shore of the stream passing below the bridge and stood in silence.

"Jeff?" I asked, walking towards him.

"Curt, I don't get it," Jeff said with his back still towards me. I stopped near him, but I didn't want to get too close and just gave him some room. "Why do you doubt me?"

"I'm sorry," I said, pausing. "This is just. new to me, that's all. I bet you've had plenty of relationships to get used to this feeling of being scared."

Jeff turned towards me with a look of hate on his face, and the pulse of my heart began to race and confusion clouded my mind further. "You think I'm some little whore that goes around fucking everyone??"

"No! That's not at all what I meant Jeff! Please, just hear me out." His face softened a little, but there was still fire behind his eyes. "Look, I love you. Understand that first. This is the first time for me. I've never loved anyone or trusted anyone, until you. I'm afraid of being hurt because it's happened to me before. At school, I would see you with all these girls, and I thought you were dating them-"

"They were just for show," Jeff softly spoke.

"Well," I stammered, "They didn't seem like they were fake to me. So I thought you were just." I paused, unsure of if I should say what was in my heart, but continued, "I thought I was just another girl to you, and I wanted to know that we actually would have a future together, and not just be over with come graduation day a week from now."

We stood in silence for a moment. Jeff slowly walked up to me. "If there are any doubts in your mind, please, let this erase them." Without stopping, Jeff pressed his lips to mine and began kissing me in the most sensual, passionate way. My knees began to buckle and my heart was fluttering. Tears began spilling from my eyes and my tongue and mouth were desperately searching for a way to prove my love in return and to acknowledge the acceptance of his pledge of love to me. It was as if our lips were our lifeline and sole source of survival. The song playing out between them was one of beauty and simplicity, a song that one does not wish to end. Alas, the symphonic rhythm reached its pinnacle, and with an audible notification of the end of one chapter awaiting the beginning of the next, our lips parted and our arms grasped each other in unison to prevent air from violating the space between us.

Jeff slowly released his grip against my back and his eyes searched for some emotion to emerge from behind my tearful eyes. A warm smile crossed my face. "Please forgive me, babe," I softly whispered.

"I forgive you. Please don't ever think I don't love you," Jeff said, stroking my hair slowly. He kissed me one last time, then taking his hand in mine we made our way to his car.

"I guess this means I have to go home and face my parents, huh?"

"I'm afraid so, guy," Jeff said, casting his gaze downwards away from me as he tossed his book bag in the trunk. "Don't worry, I'll be right there beside you. You don't have to go through this alone."

"But Jeff, you're not even out of the closet, are you?" I asked. "How can you be so reassuring to me when you haven't even gone through it?"

"Because, babe, I don't give a damn what anyone thinks about me, or the person I chose to spend my life with--you. See, if your parents flip out on you, you can always move in with me. I'm moving into my apartment up at the university in a week, right after graduation. They won't be able to touch you there. That way, we can still be together all the time and I'm sure you could find a job up there."

"Why do you always have the answers and know just what to say to calm me down?" I asked with a smile as we got inside the car.

"Became I'm your lover. It's my duty to know how to please you, in every way." Jeff said with a wink as he grabbed my crotch gently. He started up the car, and I leaned over to kiss him.

"I love you so much, Jeff."

"I love you more," Jeff said, starting the car and heading back to settle my fate.

The car pulled away from our sacred spot by the bridge and made its way back to main roads. The afternoon sun was giving life and energy to the trees and flowers along the rural road as the city began encroaching on the serenity we had left behind. A few minutes later I found the car making the faithful right turn by the post office, then a left before the V.F.W. club. Two miles later the last left turn and I swallowed hard and gained some confidence.

As Jeff stopped the car in my driveway, he switched off the engine. I took his hand in mine and squeezed it. "Let's do this."

Jeff and I walked hand-in-hand up the sidewalk and then entered my house. Whatever was about to happen would change my life forever.

Mom looked up from the kitchen table. She wore a light blue top and navy blue slacks, and she was hunched over a cup of tea with the day's newspaper. Dad was in the living room below watching the History Channel. Both of them locked eyes with me, and then with Jeff, remaining silent.

"Mom, Dad, could I please talk to you for a moment?" Dad switched the TV off and all three of us made our way up to the kitchen table and took our seats. Jeff and I sat together on one side of the table, and Mom and Dad sat on the opposite side, closest to the sink.

"Well, what did you want to talk to us about, Son?" My father asked, in a calm, controlled manner, still starring harshly at both of us.

"I'm not sure how to put this, but, I---," I paused, searching for the words. "I'm in love with Jeff." My mother's face remained unchanged, but I thought I saw a wince as if someone had just driven a knife through her heart cross behind her eyes. My father let out a sigh, but remained determined to control himself.

"So, you've come to ask for our approval then?" My father asked sarcastically.

I looked at Jeff, and I squeezed his hand again. He looked back at me and nodded. "Well, not exactly. I don't care what you have to say about this. It's my life, and I'm prepared to move out with Jeff if you don't support me in this."

My parents looked at each other, and then back at me; expressionless. We sat in silence without any signal of acceptance or rejection from my parents. The grandfather clock chiming down the hall was the only noise heard throughout the house. Once the signaling of the time change from the clock completed, I took my que. I stood up with Jeff and addressed my parents.

"I guess that settles it then. I'll collect my things and be gone." I turned away from them, pushed in my chair and made my way to my room. I heard my mother start to cry as I walked away.

"Wait," My father interrupted. "Come sit down again."

I inhaled sharply and wiped the tears from my eyes. I turned around and sat again at the table, opposite my parents.

"We didn't give you answer," my father responded.

"Very well," I said, and waited.

"You are right. Who you love in this world is your own business. We just want you to be careful. If Jeff makes you happy, and if you make Jeff happy, then we see why there should be no reason to intervene or prevent what we know was already happening behind our backs. I'm sorry I lost my nerve with you, I was just scared of losing you to AIDS."

"Dad, AIDS isn't just a gay disease. In fact, more heterosexuals are infected. However, I can assure you that we're both clean. We're the first for each other," I said, smiling at Jeff, who caressed my hand in response.

"Very well then. Well, you two have our blessing then. You may continue to stay here or move out. It's your choice. We would prefer you to stay, though," My mother finally answered.

"Thank you, Mom. Thanks, Dad," I said with a huge grin of relief, standing up to hug them across the table. "I love you."

Jeff and I made my way to my bedroom. "Well, that went better than expected!" Jeff said.