I stood in my bedroom dumbfounded; anxiousness suddenly seemed to consume me. I had to do something, but didn't know what. I did know what hospital he was in, and it was too late to wake my parents. There was no way I could get there now.

I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. I had to talk to someone; I had to share my feelings of remorse and concern. It was as if somewhere deep within my mind I felt by doing this I could prove my love was real for Carl, I wanted so desperately to prove myself. From the depths of my soul I felt if I proved how true my feelings were, I could win his affections.

My mind reeled with thoughts of capturing his heart. Perhaps it was my manipulative side, or my constant feeling of not being worthy. I don't really know which, but I did know I wanted him, I wanted all of Buddy, and I was going to do whatever it took to get him. I saw this as my opportunity, it was as if God himself had placed the circumstances at my doorstep, all I had to do was walk through the door.

I visualized myself going to visit Buddy in the hospital, I thought about how I could pamper and care for him. I fantasized about us being alone in the hospital room, and having him all to myself. He wouldn't be able to leave me, and I'd skip school so Debbie wouldn't be there, or Bill. I reveled in my mind how I could make him feel good by massaging him, and holding his hand as he lie in the hospital. It was an opportunity to not only prove myself, but show him how much I loved him.

I quickly grabbed my cheap sneakers, no sense in wearing my good ones; the ground had a slight blanket of snow covering it. I had a long walk; Shelly lived about two miles from my house. I could make it in just under an hour if I walked fast. I knew she'd be sleeping in her family's camper, she always did, even in the winter months. I slipped my feet into my MacGregor's,ä the white ones I wear to mow the lawn; tied the laces and quickly snuck into the kitchen, it was just after midnight. I knew my parents wouldn't be out of bed until after nine in the morning, they always sleep in on Saturdays. I looked around for a pen; they're never around when you need them. I had to be quiet, so I tippy toed, finally with pen and paper in hand I scribbled a quick note:

"Mom & Dad, Got up early and walked over to Shelly's.

I'll call you guys later for a ride. –Joe"

It wasn't a bold face lie, I rationalized, it was early; I just failed to mention how early it was. I placed the note on the kitchen table and booked out the back door.

The cool night air felt good against my face as I strode up the street. I walked with a quick pace; I wanted to get to Shelly's as quickly as possible. I kept myself mentally occupied with thoughts of Buddy, and my love for him. I practiced silently the many things I would, or could say, in various scenarios. I left no chance for error in my flights of fancy, none that I could think of. I ran the lines through my mind, as I pictured the imaginary events. In each sequential dream, Buddy always was smiling fondly at me, his sweet voice professing his absolute love to me. While I was physically alone, I was surrounded by my vivid imagination.

I reached Shelly's house about 2:00 AM, I looked at my watch as I passed under the street light in front of her house. I quietly crept through her yard, keeping myself in the shadows, so as not to be seen per chance someone looked out a window. My heart raced in my chest, as I worried about being discovered. I kept near to the unkempt hedgerow that grew almost wildly along the side of the Caplan yard. The winter had been mild, but some snow remained near the bushes, where it hadn't melted. It was frozen, and crusty remnants of an early January snowstorm, we had had a few weeks prior still remained. My feet made crunching sounds as I walked in the darkness, adding to my fears I'd certainly be discovered. The noises seemed to echo in the silence of the early winter night, and probably seemed much louder than they actually were.

Finally, I managed to get to the camping trailer, certain my presence had gone undetected. I knocked softly on the door. I slowly pulled the screen door open, and turned the knob on the door into the trailer. I whispered out her name, it was so dark I could barely see inside. I could hear her as she breathed, and went to her bedside, slipped off my tennis shoes and lie down beside her. I felt the warmth of her sleeping body against my own; it comforted me. I heard her moan softly, and placed my cold arm around her.

"Joe? Is that you?"

"Yeah, Buddy got into a car wreck Shelly, I had to talk to someone," I managed to get out before I cried.

"Oh Joe, I'm so sorry." Her soft voice in my ear, her lips on my skin, her arms embracing me, made me feel things I couldn't understand.

I hugged her back, I held her tightly in my arms. I continued to cry. I hurt so much. I was so confused about who I was. Feelings of guilt, feelings of remorse, extreme feelings of love for another boy, all taunting and teasing me. Things I couldn't verbalize to her, things I kept deep inside, all seemed to bubble up and boil over. I wept for all of them, all the burdens I felt as I tenderly clung onto her.

"Shelly, I love you," the words came from my lips, from deep within me, and not thought through before I uttered them.

"I love you too, Joe."

Suddenly, I realized what I had just said, and there was no taking it back. I knew I could never love her the way she wanted. I knew from that very moment, that the love she felt for me was much different than the love I felt for her. I couldn't bare to hurt her; I cried harder, as she held me in her arms, and I embraced her back. `What have I done? What have I done?' I thought to myself, fearing how much it would pain her to know I couldn't love her in the manner she was expecting.

"What do you know Joe?" I heard his voice in my head as I drifted off to sleep. Buddy's sweet voice sang to me in my dreams.

We were in the bed together, his eyes riveted to mine. I lie beside him and held his hand. We didn't say a word to each other, but we were able to communicate. My desires for him were strong, and they drew him to me. Buddy reached his arms around me, and pulled me closer, into the bed. I slid my own arms around him and ran them up and down his back. I caressed his skin with my fingertips; it was so smooth to my touch, so soft, and so warm. I felt him as he gently pulled my head towards his, we still didn't speak verbally, we spoke spiritually. Buddy closed his eyes and placed his lips against mine. We kissed, it seemed to be an eternity, when in reality it was but a brief moment in time.

"Oh Joe, I do love you," his voice was soft, yet heavy.

As I slipped his pants off of him, he raised his hips off the mattress making this task easier, and letting me know he was ready. I drank in the site of his naked body with my eyes. I tossed the garment to the chair nearest the bed.

I began to unbutton my shirt, but Buddy reached his hands up and pushed mine aside. He finished unbuttoning it, and fully removed it from my torso. Then he put his arms around me, and pulled me down onto him. I felt our naked skin touch, and as it did every nerve in my body seemed to be tingling, and goose bumps ran down my back. I pushed my weight against him to be closer. I could feel his heart as it beat in his chest against my own. I was beyond the point of no return. I wanted him, and he wanted me. I shifted my body so my pelvis was directly over his. I felt his hard cock pressing against mine through the fabric of my pants. I ground my hips downwards, and felt the friction of my boxers rubbing on the sensitive head of my aching member. I felt his hot circumcised penis throbbing against me; its heat penetrated my clothing.

Buddy worked his hands between us, unbuckling my belt and opening my trousers. I felt them as he slid them into my underwear, their soft flesh touching me. He started tugging my pants and shorts down. My ass rose involuntarily as he started to push the pants down my legs. I spread my thighs slightly apart in an effort to help slide them towards my knees. I felt the coolness of the air as it enveloped my genitals. Then Buddy's fingers slightly brushed upon the head of my dick causing it to twitch and jerk.

I lowered myself onto him and rubbed my tender cock against his. That feeling, the one I get just before I cum, filled my loins. I felt the head of my dick swell as it readied for its release. My precum was leaking already. The feeling of my prick's slick wetness sliding against his further intoxicated my heightened state of excitement. I began to move my hips slowly, upwards and downwards, causing my hot and creamy cock to throb. Our shafts rubbed against one another; the ridges on the heads of our dicks collided and passed over each other with each thrust. I could feel my cum as it traveled up from deep within my balls, I felt it as it gushed up and exploded against his stomach. Stream after stream of my thick cum shot out. I could feel his cock throb against mine with each burst of his hot semen. Our fluids intermingled and slickened our steaming cocks, adding to the pleasure. We lie in the bed neither moving, me on top of him with my arms wrapped tightly around his back. It was over too quickly I thought; it should have lasted forever.

"Joe, are you awake?" A familiar voice called out.

I came out of my daze, I had forgotten where I was, and suddenly the realization of what had happened began rushing in.

"Yeah, I'm awake Shelly," I answered.

"Did it feel good? Did you like it?" She asked.

It had happened, it was her; it wasn't Buddy, and it wasn't a dream. I had had sex with her. In my exhausted state I had sex for the first time in my life, and the person I had it with wasn't the one I had next to me, my mind had traveled to where it wanted to be. While I had fucked Shelly, my mind was fucking Buddy.

"Yes, it was, it truly was."

"I love you Joe."

"I love you too."

Good night Joe, sweet dreams."

She kissed me softly on the lips; I kissed her back.

The next thing I knew the sun was beating through the camper window directly into my face. I opened my eyes, but the bright rays cause me to squeeze them back shut. I put my right hand over my face and slowly opened them back up.

It all came back to me again, and began to eat away at me. The guilt of what I had done flooded my mind. I thought about Buddy, and wondered how he was. I eased my left arm out from under the covers and looked at my watch, it was a little after seven. Shelly lay next to me, sleeping. I looked at her face, its peaceful look, almost angelic, with a slight smile to her lips.

At first I felt as if I had betrayed our friendship. I thought about it a while, as I lay next to her. I finally came to the conclusion that maybe it was a good thing, maybe it was meant to be. It wasn't as if either of us forced the other to do something we didn't want to do. I couldn't deny my body had pleasure, hell my mind did too. The only problem was, in my mind I had been with Buddy. `So who did I really betray?' I wondered silently to myself.

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To Be Continued

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