Life In A Northern Town
By Dabeagle
Chapter Five
Murmuring from upstairs
could be heard as I made my way back inside, still feeling Nick's kiss and
Randy's uncharacteristic hug. John was in the kitchen, washing a few orphan
glasses that had accumulated in the sink. I stopped short for a moment, not
quite daring to look at him lest he take my words as a sign of weakness or
that I had given up. "Come on, lights
out in ten, you guys have school in the AM."
"Thanks, John." I said before heading out of the kitchen and up
the stairs. Joe was coming out of the bathroom as I crested the stairs, only
now he looked at me differently, and I can't say whether or not I liked the
look he fixed me with. It was one of familiarity, and yet one that you might
fix a stranger with. Or a stray dog. One you aren't quite sure will bite.
"So, ah, I guess you're family, huh?" he asked with a crooked grin.
I looked back with what must have been a puzzled expression.
"Family," he repeated, "We're on the same team, gay, queer,
poofter, fag, bent," he said with a ridiculous twinkle in his eye and
a grin on his face like it was the best news he'd had all day.
"Firstly," I began as I mounted the stairs, "I told you at
dinner your sexuality is your business not, mine, so that goes both ways.
Second, spying on people from your window is despicable, not to mention in
poor taste," Joes face continued to sag in surprise as I moved
into the doorway of my room, "and thirdly, if this was some attempt at
making friends, you may want to reconsider your approach. It sucks,"
I said as I ducked into my room. I was tempted to add that there was no pun
intended, but that would have knocked the credibility out of my dressing him
down.
It wasn't that I didn't want to know others like me. But I also didn't want
to be out everywhere. I didn't want him to think he could just
say shit like that, and if I let him start that here, it wouldn't take long
for him to slip and do it somewhere else.
I sat on the unfamiliar bed and chewed my lower lip, once again drawn back
to Nick and Randy. I was right in the middle of reliving my kiss, my first
real kiss, when Joe cleared his throat from my still-open doorway. I looked
at him, face flushing with embarrassment and anger when he spoke.
"Before you go all queen bitch on me again, just ask yourself how many
other gays you know, and do you want to be at war with them?" he approached
me, stopping well short of the bed, but still close enough to lower his voice.
"Granted, it isn't any of my business, but I'd rather have a gay friend
than another enemy. Unless you're going to continue to be an asshole, then
we can part here and not speak about it anymore."
I tried to bite down on my anger, I felt totally justified in exploding, but
there was a ring of truth in his words no matter how bitter a pill that might
be at the moment.
"Look, I don't want the world to know," I began.
"I don't care if they do find out about me, I don't advertise. But if
someone asks, I won't deny it either. If you want the truth, no one outside
this house knows. But I keep thinking about this shirt I have. The one you
heard about at dinner. And I keep wondering what it might feel like to just
not hide at all.
"I'm not ashamed of who I am, or who I love or even what gets me off.
But I do resent people who just make a snap judgment about me. If you're worried
about you, don't. I guess we all come out in our own time."
My jaw was open at this point, both in amazement and outright shock. Never
in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever have such a conversation, let
alone be running in fear from another individual that might understand what
I feel.
"I...I'm sorry, Joe," I began, "I know that's lame, but you
have to accept that I am not you. I am not ready to do things the way you
are thinking about doing them. I just don't think I can handle it right now."
I looked at him earnestly.
"Hey, that's cool," he said with a grin and took a seat next to
me on the bed, "So, listen though, let's at least talk a little, huh?"
"Um, about what?" I asked, squirming in spite of myself.
"Like, how long have you and Nick been dating for one?" he asked
with a devilish grin.
"Oh," I replied, cheeks going red, "Uh, well, we aren't officially,
I don't think. That was my first kiss. Our first kiss," I amended.
"But you knew he liked you before tonight, right?" he asked with
a glow in his eyes.
"Well, sort of. I mean, we just found out about each other last night.
See, my mom is a little off, she has a real problem with..." I fell silent
as he sat next to me.
"Fag? Queer? You should say these things, then maybe you wouldn't be
afraid of what the words mean. Homosexual is not a four letter word, you know."
"It's all a little new to me. I have been in love with Nick for about
six months. I couldn't take being around him cause I was sure he'd hate
me for wanting him, for being so irreversibly in love." I hesitated,
drawing in a deep breath, "but last night I found out he has the same
feelings. He thought I didn't like him, and that was why he thought I was
avoiding him. Truth was, it hurt too much to be so close to him and not be
able to hold him, to touch him in any way except incidental. It was like being
teased, having water in a pool but being unable to drink, or starving, but
the cupboards are bare."
"If you're hungry, you should have tried the fridge," Joe remarked.
"What?"
"I know that sounds like I am just being a smartass, which I am usually,
but in fact it's like the old axiom of a door closing means another opens,
or a window opens or some such shit. Point is, you thought one thing and so
that door was closed to you, from your point of view, when in fact all you
had to do was see that the door was, in fact, open to you all along,"
Joe fell silent and I brooded on his words.
"So listen," Joe said suddenly, "Tell me about Randy."
"What are you two up to?" John's voice floated in from the doorway.
"Who says we are up to something?" Joe replied almost reflexively.
"Boys are always up to something. It's axiomatic," John replied
with a stern look that was spoiled by the grin lurking just beneath the surface.
"This conversation isn't over," Joe grinned wickedly as he headed
for the door, and by the way, I wasnt spying from my window. Scott
was. He just told me, trying to make up for outing me at dinner, you know?
he grinned.
I lay back on my bed, reeling from the days events. I thought hard about
all that I had just discussed with Joe, someone who knew what I was, and moreover
I knew what he was as well. I wondered about that for a moment, trying to
decide how I felt about that little piece of information. Honestly? I wasn't
sure, it was definitely a mixed emotion. On the one hand I was exhilarated
that I had someone I could talk to NOW. On the other hand, there was the fact
that I really didn't know Joe or what might he say. Even if he meant no harm?
Had I just made a huge mistake? Or had I stumbled onto a great confidant?
My head swirled with the thoughts, and finally I decided to try and recapture
that first kiss, all the magic and, what I would later learn, the mark by
which all future kisses would be judged. That kiss had been so sweet, so full
of love and passion...I was getting seriously aroused, and allowed my hand
to drop down under the sheets and past the waistband of my underwear.
"Dude, you still awake?"
I groaned.
"What? I told you this conversation wasn't over!" Joe said with
a wicked grin as he sat on the edge of my bed in the darkness.
"What else did you want to talk about?" I asked. Knowing full well
all he wanted to talk about was Randy and how he might get into his pants.
"Well, you've been friends with Randy for such a long time, I was wondering
how much you know about his, um, sex life."
"He's straight, Joe."
"He's not even a little Bi?" he asked with a little whine in his
voice.
I was a little torn here, I understood where Joe was coming from, and as I
mentioned before things never seemed to work for more than a week with any
girl Randy had ever met. But how would Randy feel about me just passing this
information out? It wasn't concrete proof by any means, but Joe looked positively
predatory when he said Randy's name, so would I be doing Randy any favors
by saying anything?
"Dude, come on! Does he maybe have some Bi tendencies?"
"Not that I ever saw," I replied, which was true. He never looked
at another guy as far as I knew.
"Damn. All the gorgeous ones are straight," Joe sighed.
You, Joseph, are supposed to be in bed," John said from the hallway.
I wonder how much he heard? Joe had jumped up and exited the room and left
me to my thoughts, which quickly returned to my first kiss and that happy
thought took me off to sleep.
John made breakfast in the morning, a huge one. Eggs, toast, bacon, sausage and pancakes. Mom never cooked like this, and when she did cook you usually ended up wishing she hadnt. Dad was the chef in the family, usually cooking after he returned home from work at night, and Sunday morning breakfasts were a real event. Wed get stuffed and sit around reading the Sunday paper, maybe watch a little football if it was in season.
Can I have the syrup, please? Scott asked Joe, who tossed the
bottle to Scott, who mumbled his thanks around a mouthful of eggs. I sat next
to Scott, where there was an empty place setting, and glanced about at all
the food.
Eat up, Adam. These guys have to go to school, then we get to go do
your clothes shopping and pick up some groceries, John said offhandedly
as he sat down at the head of the table with his plate.
I spooned some eggs onto my plate and added a few strips of bacon. John poured
orange juice from a jug, then offered it to me, which I accepted.
So, you guys bond last night? John asked absently. I reddened
but Joe rose to the challenge.
Yeah, if you hadnt bugged us I mightve gotten laid too,
he grinned impudently.
I choked on my eggs.
Now theres two of you? Jeez, no staring at my ass! Scott
laughed while I glowered at Joe.
Joe, I AM trying to eat here. Your non-existent sex life can wait to
be discussed until later, John said pointedly. Scott tried to cover
his mouth as he laughed, but he was soon braying at Joes now-reddening
face.
At least I am young enough to think about getting laid, Joe finally
shot back.
Joe, dont be so uptight. Besides, I might have to hurt you if
you try and knock my age, John said with a smile.
Whatever, Joe replied as he turned to the scraps remaining on
his plate. I quietly resumed eating, hoping to avoid anymore conversation.
Scott and Joe headed out the door to school a few minutes later, and then
John and I climbed into his little truck. We headed up farther north in to
the Burgh and then turned up to head back into the town of Brunswick
and Wal-Mart.
The store was pretty new, and even if they werent fashionable name brands,
they were new and they would fit. John forbade me getting pants that were
bigger than my proper waist size, and I disagreed with him on general principle,
but I didnt want any of those pants anyway. After some clothes shopping
and a few groceries we were headed back to the house, where the items purchased
were put away.
I hope Joe isnt too in your face, John threw out as an opening.
Hes OK, a little high strung maybe, I replied.
Well, his folks didnt take to his coming out too well. He and
his dad fought some, made it tough. Of course, coming out is hard for a lot
of people, John said in a speculative tone. He was trying to draw me
out, maybe get me to talk about this whole gay thing. Well, I wasnt
going to. Not with this guy who I didnt know at all.
Anyway, John continued, hes done pretty well since
we got him here, going on six months now, he sighed. I sat mutely as
he placed the few remaining items in the cupboards and then moved to the fridge
for a drink.
Want something? he asked.
No thanks, I replied.
So, you and your mom been having problems for a little while?
he asked. I snorted, who did he think he was? My shrink?
Ill take that as a yes, he replied dourly.
Take it any way you want, I replied.
Just offering an ear, man, he shrugged.
I talk to Randy and Nick, I love them and they love me, I bit
my lip in frustration, not sure where that outburst had come from.
Love is a strong word. Which one gave you the kiss? he asked from
behind his raised glass. I sat dumb-founded. Did everyone watch my every move?
I had no idea my first kiss would be a public event! Maybe I should have called
a news crew and fewer people would have seen it!
Secrets arent something that is easy to keep in this house. The
one thing I can say though, is that the boys WILL keep it in the house,
he smiled benignly at me as he took a seat at the breakfast nook I had noticed
in the kitchen the night before.
Why is everyone so interested in whats inside my head? I
grumbled as I took the seat across from him.
Partly because were here to help This is what I do for a living,
John replied.
Why? I asked.
Well, thats a good question. Sometimes I ask myself that, sometimes
more than once a day, he snorted and eased back in his chair. I
think the most straightforward answer is so that I could help someone. See,
I worked in shelters before and did some psych work. And I can tell you, the
people that get screwed most are the kids.
Take you for example, he said conversationally, you rely
on your friends, which most people your age do, but in the background you
should have this anchor at home, this secure place for when even your friends
just wont do. You dont have that, obviously.
Not just that, he said while pointing at me as if is hand were
a gun, youre so sure someone is out to screw you over that you
have serious trust issues. Take Bernard, as an example, someone you clearly
despise. He seems to see some good in you, and I have to say its in
there, his eyes narrowed as he looked at me, its in there,
but covered under a lot of hurt.
I squirmed in my chair under his steady gaze, but that was all I allowed to
show of my discomfort.
Losing someone is never easy, he said with a deep sigh, I
know when I lost my parents it was very tough on me. I imagine it wasnt
any easier for you to lose your dad, in some ways harder since you are still
so young. At least I had the advantage of being older, having had some more
time with my dad.
Seems like a lot of trouble just to help someone, I muttered.
Yeah, it can be, but sometimes you have to work a lot to get something
good to happen. You might not stay here long, but I hope that you get some
help here, even if it means just knowing you and your thoughts are safe,
he coughed, or maybe I should say that they are contained to the house.
Well, at least no one called CNN, I remarked and we both laughed
a little.
Your friends seemed really nice, they were very respectful, even though
it was obviously a tough thing for them to leave last night, he remarked.
I knew this was his opening gambit to try and open up a dialogue between us,
but right then I wasnt sure why I should hold out anymore.
Randy has always been the polite one of us, he helps people all the
time. Like Mr. Broderick across the street from him. That guy cant really
do much physical stuff anymore, so Randy rakes his leaves and shovels his
snow. Mrs. Gamache always seems to talk him into doing her lawn a few times
a summer. Just about the only place he doesnt do much is at home,
I remarked.
Those sound like great qualities in a friend and a neighbor Tell him
to move down here so I dont have to mow, rake or shovel anymore!
John laughed.
Yeah, I laughed with him, Randy did more chores at my house
than he did at his, I said trailing off into silence.
So Randy is pretty much your rock, huh? John asked and I nodded
in reply. Has he ever said anything about your mom, or how she acts?
No, not really. I mean, nothing outside of regular shit I guess.
Has your mom always been like she is now? he asked quietly.
Well, not that I really remember. I mean, she and dad used to fight,
but I never knew why. She said
I trailed off, unable to complete
the sentence she had screeched about my fathers demise.
Well, no need to bring up so much sad stuff, right? So, which one was
Randy? he asked.
He was the one with the brown blond hair who stands about as tall as
an oompa loompa, I giggled.
Oh, yes, and who was the other one? John asked, keeping the conversation
going.
Nick, I replied, Nick Jackson.
Oh, is he related to the Richard Jacksons? The politician?
he asked.
Um, you know I am not really sure, I replied, I dont
ask too much and, well, I hesitated before plunging forward, lately
I didnt trust myself around Nick, so I stayed away from him so I wouldnt
make an ass out of myself. He thought I was an ass for avoiding him instead,
I replied sheepishly.
So you feel more comfortable around him now? John prompted.
Yeah, I nodded, I dont have anything to hide with
him anymore, I responded. I leaned in as if to not allow anyone to overhear,
he said he loves me.
Love is a strong word, one that gets used too often and too freely,
John sighed as he leaned back and scratched his chin thoughtfully. But
its also important enough that you cant ignore it if its
presented to you.
I sat quietly and chewed this over. I got emotions from Nick that felt like
more than the crushes and lustiness that I had dealt with since the onset
of puberty. Unfortunately, those periods of falling in and out of lust were
all I had to compare this to, so how could I know if this was love or not?
John, what would
.you say love is? I asked carefully.
Well, its a lot of things. I believe that we take a number of
emotions and mix them together to make what we define as love. I also believe
that love is different things to different people, he leaned forward
as if to join me in my conspiratorial pose.
Some confuse sex with love. Some think you have to do everything for
someone, and that defines love. Some think that someone has to be the center
of your world for it to be love. I think its more complex than that.
See, when people first get together its usually from attraction,
and I admit there has to be some attraction to hold things together. After
that initial attraction though, there needs to be something to define the
relationship beyond the physical. Some of those things might be personality
issues, like a sense of humor or a caring nature. Maybe its common interests
or whatever.
I think the truest measure of love is the ability to work through differences
and to be content with the person youre with. Now, say with you and
Nick, you guys obviously have the initial attraction to each other,
at this I blushed furiously and leaned back in my chair in an effort to relax,
but what common interests do you have? If its sex it wont
last, or only last until the one partner decides that someone else might be
fun to play with too. If you guys havent reached that step, maybe you
have the chance to see what the other is really like and maybe get to know
that person better. Maybe thats the truest thing to your relationship,
discovering one another.
You did say, after all, that you havent spent much time around
him, in truth, John pointed out.
Thats true, but I feel differently towards him. Not like the crushes
in school or something,: I trailed off, becoming embarrassed at how
personal the conversation had gone.
Well, my advice for what its worth to you, is to take it slow.
No one is rushing you, so enjoy it and see what happens, he smiled at
me.
I sat quietly while he stood and busied himself in the kitchen, muttering
that the troops would be home soon. I retreated to the living room for some
space and time with my thoughts. How did I feel about Nick, really? He was
very nice, and he obviously cared about me. And hes a phenomenal kisser,
cant leave that out. There has to be points awarded for that! Outside
of that, what could I really say?
The opening and slamming shut of the outside door announced the return of
Scott and Joe who stopped briefly to greet John in the kitchen before heading
deeper into the house. I heard the closet door open and close, and in between
the sound of cloth whisking as it rubbed, undoubtedly coats being hung in
place. Joe appeared first, his face lighting in a wicked grin as saw me, and
right behind him was Scott, his partner in crime.
Randy and Joe in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g, Scott sang out off-key
as Joe grinned harder and smacked him in the arm, and it looked like pretty
hard too.
Ow! Scott howled. And Joe grinned all the more.
Whats going on? I asked, not entirely sure I wanted to know.
Joe talked to the boy of his dreams today, Scott snickered and
dodged another swipe from Joe.
Oh really? I asked with my eyebrows raised.
It was short but sweet, Joe sighed.
What did you talk about? I asked.
Well, I mentioned that we had a mutual acquaintance, Joe started.
More like he wiped his chin of drool first, Scott snickered again
while almost dodging a blow from Joe.
So I told him that I lived in the same house with you, and then he spoke
to me, Joe said dreamily.
What did he say? I asked with curiosity.
Not for long! Scott howled with laughter which sent Joe into full
destroy mode, chasing the wildly-laughing Scott up the stairs. I was laughing
on the couch, unable to control myself. Poor Joe, I told him Randy was straight!
... to be continued
Comments to dabeagle@dabeagle.com