If this type of material offends you in any way, shape, or form, please do not continue.

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Author's Note:
Sometimes, song lyrics say in a musical way what I am thinking and want to say outloud, but never can. Being shy, gay, and older than most of my friends, sure makes life difficult at times. When I was young, I never looked back or even wondered is he or isn't he... now, all I have left are my memories and regrets for what could maybe have been...

Most of my stories are set in and around San Diego, California, because that is where I was born, grew up and lived till I was 25. These stories are about people I knew then and what could have been if I wasn't so shy or clueless. I don't know anyone too famous so haven't changed any names.

If you want to send me email, I do use a forwarding service (to protect whatever is left of my reputation ;) and it is: wetstuff@agrisea.net
Flames are released to the ether.. maybe that'll add to global warming! :P

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Story Note:
This chrous, of a song by the Backstreet Boys, is the basis for this story about a young man who wanders through life happily alone and then something happens:

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There is something missing in my heart

["Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely" - track 3 on "millennium" by the backstreet boys]
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Lonely
Chapter 1
by wetstuff

1984
High School was finally finished! Three years of study, homework, the dreaded showers, and all those strange classmates constantly asking why I didn't have a girlfriend. Didn't anyone see I was already happy, a free spirit, high on life? Oh well, I'll never see them again.

Its Summer! My time to worship the sun, surf, blue water, parties, and go water skiing every weekday morning - Life is grand, get a tan! Freedom to do whatever I want!

"Eddy, you need to get a job. Make sure you have one before your birthday," said my mom.

"Okay, mom," I said as I thought Jeesh, what the hell is this? I stop being a learning slave and now I have to be another type of slave? What about all the stuff I had planned to do? Its only two weeks before my birthday.. SHIT!

"I heard that the meat market across from the fire station is hiring for box boys.. why don't you check that out. Your dad and I thought a job would teach you what other kids your age already know about working. Don't worry, all the money you make you can keep in your savings account. And..." mom continued talking but I had already tuned out. I was trying to figure out just what the hell a 'box boy' was and did I really care?! It got really quiet so I figured I'd better say something and escape.

"Okay, tomorrow I'll go check it out. I'm gonna go down to Pacific Beach and hang out with Richard, if that's okay?"

"Just make sure you are back by 9pm," said mom as I ran to my room. I had to get swim trunks, a towel, and my surf board.. Who knows, maybe the surf is up!

I didn't see anyone as I left the house and walked over to my car, a '74 Mercury Cougar XR-7.. people called it a land yacht, I knew it was a cat, the engine purred at 95 mph! Not that I'd know that... ahem... I strapped the board on top, hopped in the car and drove away.. Freedom, for today!

My friend Richard wasn't home from school yet, he is a year younger than me and the coolest guy I knew. We'd been friends for five years and not even different high schools could break our friendship up. I'd spend as much time as I could hanging out with him, surfing, talking, just being.. plus we saw each other every Sunday, at Sunday School. [It was really odd, now that I think back on it, all of his friends called him Rick yet he told me the second time we ever saw each other, to call him Dicky. And every time I did, he would flash me a hint of a smile and stare into my eyes.]

Dicky lived to surf, no matter what the weather. He even taught me about surfing and what a wetsuit is good for.. I lived to water ski and in winter around here, the salt water was damn cold [I had no clue about cold till I moved to where I live now - the damn lakes freeze over!]

Dicky and I would hang out all over the beach areas and by the end of each summer, we looked almost like brothers... same hair color, tan, gait, talk, muscles.. even our boards were similiar.. The difference was me, I am taller by a few inches and as winter comes back, my hair goes back to its natural brown, while his is always dusty blond. I'm 17, 6'1" with blue eyes, 145 pounds, and average looking, but Dicky wasn't average in anything and he was my best friend!

So I waited around for Dickie to come home from school and then his brother suddenly showed up. John was the exact opposite of Dickie - chunky and obnoxious, while Dickie was thin and kind. Luckily, I didn't see John that much, especially since he was younger than either one of us and hung out far from the surf.

"Hey dude, gonna go surfin? Don't bother, beach is crowded and ain't no surf!" John acted like I was a moron to even think about surfing today.

"Yeah okay John... How would you know what its like over there? Last time you were near the beach, someone called Sea World... thought a whale beached itself," I said.

"Har, har, har.. someday you'll look like me and then who will have the last laugh?" John asked me.

"Good God! How would I shrink 3 feet?" I asked amazed.

John just stared at me, said nothing, turned around, and left the front porch heading who cares where. Guess I won that round... Oh shit, Dickie heard the whole thing and is bent over laughing his ass off. oops.

"Should've seen his face.. Sea World.. shrink 3 feet.." Dickie was trying to talk through his laughter and it wasn't working very well.

"I couldn't have said he was a gnome, he'd need a dictionary and I don't have one on me at the moment," I said while giggling and walking over to where he was standing.

Dickie gasped and stopped laughing. then he did something he had never done before - he put his right arm around my waist, pulled me tightly to him, stared into my eyes, and whispered "thats being mean to gnomes!"

My heart was thumping like I had just ran real fast and my stomach was quaking.. I liked the feeling of his arm around me and all I could do was look into his face.. I was speechless!

"Oh, sorry, got carried away, I guess," he said as he let go of me but didn't stop looking at me.

"Its okay. I liked it. Get carried away more often" I whispered back to him and then I realized my ears had turned bright red, something they do when I blush.

He also started to blush and finally looked away from me, eyeing my car and the board on top. "You know, John was right, it sucks down there today. Maybe we could go over to the cove instead," Dickie said in a voice that cracked and broke as he turned back towards me.

I slowly nodded, still feeling strange and said, "Mind if I leave the board here then? Unless there is a tidal wave, there ain't no surf at the cove." [The cove being referred to here is also known as La Jolla Shores, a somewhat protected tidal cove with nice sandy beaches.]

"Yeah, I'll get it and put it in my room, then change and be right out. Okay?" he asked.

"Sure," I said. "I'll find something to listen to while we drive over, if you want."

Dickie just nodded, got the board and disappeared into the house while I got into the car and looked for a tape of music he liked. My head was spinning and I didn't know what was wrong with me. Sure, he had just hugged me, kinda, and his eyes were so bright and blue and what was going on here?! He had never done anything like this before, not even that time he had first come over to my house and we did boring math homework laying together on my twin bed. And what really bothered me most is that I liked it, I really liked it!

My thoughts were interrupted with a car door being opened and Dickie sliding into the passenger seat and slamming the door. He had on a pair of bright blue OP shorts [not the kind of shorts everyone today, 2001, wears.. those look to me like high water pants.] which he knew were my favorite color and a white t-shirt with some kind of surf theme on it.

"Penny for your thoughts," he said while looking at the tape in my hand.

"Ask me again at the beach," I said while handing him the tape and starting the engine and doing the driving thing. I guess I was ignoring him while I navigated over the mountain and into La Jolla and down to the shore. [I tend to ignore people in the car whenever I am driving, guess thats why I've never been in or had a wreck.] The whole time I heard music and he was looking out the window at whatever, I have no idea what he was thinking about. When I found a parking place at the beach parking lot and finally turned to him, he was still looking out the window.

I put my right hand on his neck and gently rubbed it. He finally woke up from where ever he had been, turned his head and looked at me and smiled, but didn't say anything.

"I suppose we had better go find a place on the beach where we can talk privately, huh?" I asked.

"Yeah, lets go. I know the perfect place," he whispered as he opened his door and slowly, like he didn't want our physical contact to end, pulled away from my hand and got out, all the while still looking at me.

I got out too, closed my door at the same time he closed his, hit the alarm button, and we both met at the front of the car. We kinda walked like we were drunk, crashing into each other every so often as he led me down to the beach and over to a place I'd never seen before. Not that I hung out at the cove much by myself.. I had been there dozens of times with him over the past few years doing all the tourist types of things. He laid out the towel in his hand and motioned for me to sit down next to him, which I did. I looked around and realized no one could see us unless they walked right in front of us and stopped. And there was no one way down here by the cliffs.

"Is it a dime now?" he whispered to me as he leaned back on his elbows while looking at the back of my head.

"Free for you, always," I said as I also leaned back, making sure my left arm and elbow were touching his and turning to look at him.

He didn't blush or turn away, he just flashed me that famous smile and turned so that he was laying on his right side with his hand holding up his head. He reached out his left hand, laid it on my heart, and whispered "I need to tell you something... I don't want you to get mad or hate me or ... Its something I've been wanting to tell you for a long time but never found a time to do it.. Too many people around when we are surfing and ... " He paused and just looked at me.

My mouth got suddenly dry and all I could do was nod. I thought maybe I ought to tell him something too but first I'm gonna do this. I moved my right hand and gently picked up his left hand and held it while turning to face him and laying just like him. Our faces were maybe a foot apart and I was holding his hand, something I had never done before, ever! It felt, well, right. electricity and sparks were flying all over us. I glanced down at our hands and saw his fingers twine with mine. I looked back into his face and saw his smile, which I had to echo.

"I.. I.. I wish, no, hope, no, damn it! This is harder than I thought it'd be.." he whispered. "I've been saying it in my mind over and over again and.."

"Dickie, shhhh, its okay... I think I know what you are gonna say and, well, I've never said anything like this to my only best friend before either... so, here goes... I.. I.. I didn't know why I felt a certain way when I was around you before today and when you hugged me.. I finally figured it out and I hope... ... I love you," I stammered out.

His eyes were real wide as he tightened his grip on my hand and said "Eddy, oh, yes, yes, I do love you.. you take my breath awayeverytime I see you... I can't stand being away from you..." He paused again, surprise written all over his face and then began to smile. His eyes closed as he leaned towards me.

Our lips met each other halfway, even as I was moving closer to him, eventually ending up right next to him and putting my arms around him. He rolled over on top of me and put his arms around me while we continued to kiss... I felt his tongue licking my lips and opened my mouth and was invaded! It felt so weird to feel something hot and slippery moving around, licking my tongue, and exploring my mouth. Our noses rubbed as our tongues discovered new things in each other's mouth. I couldn't get enough of the sensations and neither could he..

If anyone had walked by, they would have heard some rather odd noises, maybe something like seals, dunno. We both started to moan as we sucked on each other's tongue and ground our bodies against each other. My hands were gently moving all over his back, head, and butt while he kept running his hands through my hair and hugging me tightly around the neck.

Like all good things, it had to end at some point so we could slow our hearts down and get a proper breath. When our lips parted, our eyes opened and stared at each other. There was nothing more to say.

End of Chapter 1
[more to come, shortly]