Date: Wed, 23 Nov 2011 02:50:40 -0500 From: Jesse Jesse Subject: Matthew, My Love Pt 10 Hey guys. Thanks for all the emails about this story. A lot of you have asked if this story is based on truth or fiction, and some upcoming details. I hope I don't disappoint you when I give you these answers. 1: The characters are, shall we say, based on an unrequieted love interest from my past, but is in itself fictional. 2: In regards to some of the questions/oppinions of what is going to happen in the future, I don't really have a planned outline of how the story is going to end. To be honest, I've sort of felt like a soap opera writer while writing this story, sort of making it up as I go, but I do have some general ideas as to how, eventually, it will end. Again, thanks for all your input and comments. They're part of what drive me on to finish the story! ----------------------------------------------------------------- Matthew, My Love Pt 10 This could not be happening. My world, in the space of a few seconds it had taken Robert to tell me this devastating news, had began to crumble around me. What little bit of hope I'd held onto had now vanished completely, leaving me with nothing for comfort. Nothing softened the blow as I fell back onto the floor, shaking uncontrollably. A baby. Matthew was going to be a father. The young man that meant more to me than anything in this world was going to be ripped away from me by a child. Though I'd admit before anyone could point a finger that I'd done a completely idiotic thing that night with Drew, I wasn't a fool. This baby would mean Matthew devoting his every waking moment to his child's attention and needs, maybe even a marriage. This was still western NC, after all. Most people around here still had strong conservative values and beliefs. Many would expect him to marry the girl, whether they truly loved each other or not. Where would this leave me? I had no doubt that I would be out of Matthew's life, but would I truly have to leave and go to my parents home? Would they even receive me back? No. That wasn't a hard question to answer, just a simple no. So what would I do? It was only after I'd processed all these thoughts, how long it had truly taken I didn't know, that I realized two arms wrapped around my rocking frame. They weren't Matthew, oh no. He'd made that abundantly clear. These arms belonged to Robert. "Listen, kiddo, we'll figure something out. I know, not question, I KNOW Matthew still loves you, and I think, somewhere deep down, he still knows that too. I don't know why he's done this. I can't give you this answer, but I KNOW he still loves you!" Though try as Robert had to comfort me, the smile that crossed my face wasn't from happiness. "Thanks Robert. You truly have been more of a father to me than my own ever thought of being, but I think we both know what this will mean for Matthew and me." Robert's face furrowed with worry. "Alex, please don't do anything hasty. Don't jump the gun on this, at least not until you've talked with Matthew about it." The tears came, try as I might to quell them, they came. "Oh, Robert, we both know that if Matthew truly felt the same for me as he did before that night, we'd not be having this conversation to begin with. And even if you were right, I've tried every way I know to just get Matthew's attention, so I can tell him how sorry I am. You've seen the way he's acted toward me for almost two months now. Yes, I counted. Next week school begins again. It's been almost two months since that day we came home." "But, kiddo, these things have a way of working out. It's not like he and this girl are gonna be walking down the church aisle tomorrow. Try again! Please, Alex, for me! I never thought I'd say this, but now I realize I have to admit it. You made Matthew happier than anyone, friend or family, ever had before. And now to think of him tied up in some marriage to a girl he doesn't love, just because of one night's stupidity? I can't stand to think of it!" But it was too late. Though my heart wracked with a pain I hadn't known was possible, my mind was already made, and I knew what I truly had to do. "Robert, please, just give me long enough to call a cousin of mine. I'll go stay with her. Don't worry about telling Matthew anything. I'll tell him myself, in my own words." Though we hadn't spoken in several months, due to her husband having some health problems, I knew I could count on my cousin Carla. She was a very loving, caring person, with a gift of being able to look past people's `faults' and see the good within them. After several of my family had realized that I `wasn't normal,' Carla had been one of the only ones who still acknowledged my existence. After a few day of contemplating the way the whole thing had worked out, it seemed almost as if it had been meant for me to leave. Carla's husband was an extremely wealthy man, older than Carla, and making his fortune in some company up north, before coming south and meeting Carla. They owned a sprawling home in the one `uptown neighborhood' in our town. As I found out on the day I called, her nanny, a 24/7 live-in worker had just left. Carla and her husband had two small children, a twin boy and twin girl. More out of kindness and compassion than actual belief in my talents, Carla agreed to `hire' me as a babysitter to pay for my rent while staying with her family. My `room' turned out to be a fully furnished suite atop the garage to the house, allowing me privacy and alone time when I wouldn't be with the kids. The agreement was worked out that I would `work' from the time I arrived home from school until the kids were put to bed, and then work the full weekends to allow Carla and her husband, who both worked, time to themselves. This schedule left almost no time for social life, even with my friend Kyle, though this agreed just fine with me. At least there would be less time to think about Matthew. Carla's husband was a little wary of my working with the children, `he's just so young,' but soon warmed to me. Though I worried at first myself, I found that I didn't naturally connect with the children, and we got along well. Whomever the previous nanny had been, she'd already done an impeccable job teaching the children manners and respect. Ever request and instruction was met with "yes sir" and "no sir." There were hardly any times when we had disagreements or incidents of misbehavior. All-in-all, though I still cried myself to sleep almost every night, my life could have been much worse, and though I missed time with my friends after school started again, I was thankful to be so busy. There was only one thing that needed to be done now "Alex! Oh my god, child! Where have you been? We've been so worried about you?!?" "Hello Mrs. Letterman." "Mrs. Letterman? Since when have you ever called me that?" Try as I might be brave, my eyes moistened at Nadine's question. I had never called her that, but I had to keep my feelings in check. "I'm sorry Nadine, but I just don't know what to say anymore." "Well, for starters, you could say that you're coming home!" "No, I just don't think that's a good idea any more. As a matter of fact, that why I've come by. I don't want to stay long. Just don't think I'm ready yet, but I need to ask you a favor. I need to get this to Matthew. I guess, if I had any balls, the right thing to do would be to tell him face to face, but I just don't think I can. I just don't think I can face him right now." Tears streamed down Nadine Letterman's face. "Oh, Alex. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It break's my heart to see you two separated like this, but I want you to know that I truly do understand. Are you sure you're okay? Do you at least have somewhere to sleep?" "Yes, I've got a job that allows me an apartment to myself. I'm babysitting for some relatives, so I don't have to worry about being underage and all that." I tried to give a weak chuckle. "Actually, I think they're still looking at me as more of a charity case than an employee, but it's a place to stay. Anyway, I just needed to drop this off. If you could just be sure he get's it, I'd sure appreciate it." Nadine's eyes searched my face for what seemed to me an eternity of trying to hide my pain, but then softened into a forced smile. "All right, baby. I'll see to it that he get's it...Alex? If you ever need any help, or if you ever just wanna talk, you still have my cell number, right? We don't even have to talk about Matthew. Just call me, if you just want someone to talk to." Matthew, My Love, I hope this finds you doing well. Since our breakup, I've not seen you, or anyone of your friends to see how you're doing. I know I'm probably the last person you ever want to hear from again, but I must know in my conscience that I've tried to apologize and explain. I'm sorry for leaving without any notice, but I just didn't think I could tell you face to face. Matthew, you must know, first and foremost, that I loved you, and still love you with all my heart. I can never imagine that changing. I know I hurt you beyond what any words could say. I betrayed you and broke your trust in me. I don't expect this to make anything better, but I must tell you that I was very drunk that night. You know better than anyone that I'd never drank alcohol in my life until just after we met. We drank much more after you went to sleep that night. I don't expect you to believe me when I say this, but I truly believed that Drew was you that night. Between being so drunk and wanting you so, I allowed myself to be caught up into something that wasn't real. I had no clue what had truly happened until the next morning when I woke up with you standing over us. I feel like I can say that I tried every way I could think of to tell you how sorry I was and am before leaving, but I felt as though you wanted nothing to do with me. You probably don't, and I can't say that I truly blame you. After finishing this letter, however, I will be able to say that I've tried everything I knew to do to apologize. Matthew, I want you to know that I love you more than anything on this earth. Like I said, that will never change. You'll always been my first, and my only, love, the one I first shard my body with, and the one who changed my life for the better in ways that I still cannot truly believe when I look back at what my life was before. Nothing will ever take those feelings or memories away from me. Unfortunately something, or someone now will change your life in such a drastic way that I do not feel I will ever be able to win you back. I know that it will only take one look at your child to steal your heart away, but I want you to know that I don't say this begrudgingly. This is as it should be. I have experienced myself and know that only someone with the coldest, cruelest of hearts could not love their own child. I have no doubt that you will make a wonderful, loving father. I know your sweet baby will grow up with the best father in the world. I only hope that your little boy or girl grows up to be as loving, caring, kind person as their father. We will probably see one another some time at school Since this is such a small town, it will probably be inevitable, but, should you even consider such a thing, you needn't worry about having to talk. I don't think I could face you right now. I don't want to embarrass you any more than what I feel like I already have. If you care, I am doing physically fine. I would be lying to say that I don't miss you. You're the last though on my mind each night, and the first when I wake up in the morning, but I know that now our lives are separating, and I've got to get on with mine. I wish you all the best in life, and I want you to know that I will never stop loving you, Alex