Date: Wed, 7 Dec 2011 03:07:20 -0500 From: Jesse Jesse Subject: Matthew, My Love Pt 13 First, I'd like to take the time to say a quick thanks to everyone who's written with kind comments and responses to the story. Again, I say this joking, but I've felt a bit like a soap opera writer. I honestly have no idea myself how this story will truly end, or how long it will take to finish. I do apologize for delaying between posts. Also, I've had some comments about the story "moving too quickly. " I do apologize to anyone who feels this way, but I must say that since I'm not writing a 1,000-page novel, I had general intentions of this. There've also been some questions for hints as to what Matthew and Alex's relationship will be in the future. I don't want to give anything away, but just let me say that if I can write successfully what's planned in my head, it'll bring about a shock that I don't think anyone will expect! Thanks again to you all, and hope you continue to enjoy! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Matthew, My Love Pt 13 Had someone told me a few months before that I'd find myself driving home from school every afternoon with Drew Scott, him staring at me out of the corner of his eyes with a dopey look, I would've told them they were out of their mind. But far-fetched as that may have seemed at the time, here we were, three weeks into a relationship that was surprisingly sweet and refreshing. It seemed Drew was determined to try everything within his mortal power to put our past behind us. The subject of "that night" had been breached only once, simply to agree that we'd try our best to move on and give each other a second chance, and had then been buried dead. Truth be told, Drew was one of those guys that, as ashamed as I was to feel this way, almost went overboard on showing affection and concern, at least for those first few days. He was always waiting just outside the door after every class change at school. He sent so many texts on our first week that I was sent to detention. I never had to worry about traffic in the school parking lot. Drew was always parked at the curb, waiting to pick me up. It seemed that he couldn't get enough of touching me. Not in a sexual or erotic way, but holding my hands, rubbing my shoulders, or pulling me closer. For me, however, the sweetest gesture Drew ever made toward me was a day just before Halloween. "Alex, I've been wanting to talk to you about something." "Yeah, what is it?" "Well, baby, whether either of us like to admit it or not, we have a past together that isn't exactly...something to be proud of. ...Alex, I've been thinking about that night and how it affected both of our lives. I can't imagine how you felt that morning, waking up to find me next to you instead of Matt. I can even begin to get a grip on that, and I don't want to put you through some kind of bad memory or something, so I...that is...shit, I don't know how to say what I want to...I want you to know it's okay if you want to wait on us." That small, short sentence brought tears to my eyes, and made my heart swell with a love for the young man in front of me I hadn't known was even forming. I hated to admit it, but most people associated being gay with some kind of wild, ravenous sex life, going from one guy to another. I'd already heard those whispers behind my back one day while going through the halls. "Yeah, he's screwed Matt's life up, and now moved onto somebody else stupid enough to get involved, the little gay shit-bag!" Also, though I was ashamed to admit it, I'd wondered when we'd have to cross this bridge, and knowing our history together, I had very different ideas about what Drew would expect. "Thank you, Drew. You'll never know how much that mean's to me. When we're both ready, you'll have me wholly, heart and body." For some time I'd worried about what the reaction would be from Matthew when he found out about myself and Drew. He knew I was seeing someone else, but did he now know who? Indeed, I spent several nights tossing and turning, wondering what would happen when he found out. Would he even care at all? I'd not seen Matthew since that evening we'd last spoken. Because Drew was still on many of the sports teams, he kept in touch with the gossip and goings on with a good deal of the popular students at school. The last he'd heard, Matthew's family was not having the easiest go of things. The girl expecting his baby had threatened to have an abortion if not given everything she wanted. According to rumor, she'd threatened signing the baby over to adoption upon birth, again, if not given everything she'd wanted. I didn't know that any of these rumors had any basis of truth whatsoever, but my heart couldn't help but go out to him. Whether we were together or not, to think of a parent, especially one so young, losing his child was heartbreaking. My answer to my wondering came one afternoon while waiting for Drew outside the locker room. I'd forgotten that Matthew had his own PE class the last period of the day, so bumping into him as I turned around stunned both of us. "Hello Alex..."... "Hi Matthew." "How are you?" "Fine, thanks. You?" "I'm okay, I guess." But he wasn't okay. Anyone looking at him could tell that. He'd thinned from the last time I'd seen him, and his eyes were tired. "Look, Matthew, there's something I need to tell you." "Oh really?" There was no enthusiasm in his voice. "I'm going out with..." "Hey, babe. I didn't expect to see you...oh...what are you doing here, Letterman?" I found myself stepping between them. It wasn't that I expected them to duke it out here in the gymnasium, but I didn't want to take that chance anyway. "Drew, I was just about to tell him about it." "You mean he doesn't know?" "No, he doesn't."...Drew shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably for a moment. "Alex and I are going out now."...My breath hitched. Would he be furious? Would he be jealous? Would he even care at all? The look that crossed Matthew's face, however, wasn't one of fury or jealously, or even a look of contempt. His face gave way to a look that, even after all this time, made my heart fall...defeat. "Alex, if you're happy, then good for you." And with that, he brushed past us both into the locker room. The ride home that evening was somber and quite. Drew sat eying me from the corners of his eyes. He'd not said another word about the incident since that afternoon, but I could tell he wanted answers. "Alex, I need to ask you something, something I need you to be completely honest with me about...Do you still love Matthew?" Though the bluntness of Drew's delivery caught me by surprise, the question in itself did not. How could I answer that question, answer truthfully without hurting him? "Drew, I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't think I will ever completely stop loving Matthew. Not in the same way I may love you. I don't want to sound all philosophical or anything, but the love that Matthew and I shared is something that can only be understood when you've experienced it for yourself. Do I love Matthew the same way I did almost a year ago? No, I don't, but I won't lie and tell you that I don't still care about what happens to him." This answer seemed to satisfy his first question. "So, how do you feel about me? Do you love me?" "Drew, again, I don't want to sound all philosophical or like Dr. Phil, but love is something that's gained and learned over time. Can you honestly, without any hesitation or questions, say you love me?"... "Well, I know I love it when we're together. I know you make me happy, and I want to spend as much time with you as I can. I know I think you're cute and funny." "But did you put the word love in there anywhere?"... "No, I guess not." "There you go." "So, you're saying you don't love me?" "No, I'm saying that we're in relationship because we do like each other so much. Love is something that's gained over time. You'll know in your heart when you truly love me, and I'll know when I have no doubts that I love you." Though Drew said nothing else about our conversation on how we truly felt about each other, I couldn't help but wonder if I'd hurt him slightly, or at the very least, disappointed him with my answer. I made my mind up I was going to do everything I could to show him affection and attention. Even if I couldn't say without any hesitation that I loved him, I could show him how much I cared for him, and how happy he made me. It was only after I began to truly consider my own words to him that I began to realize just how much I truly did care for Drew. At a time in my life when I felt as though I had no one, Drew had offered not only friendship, but had bared his heart to me and offered it freely. The more I truly recollected on our time together, the more I began to feel guilty about the way I'd treated him. It wasn't as though I'd been out sleeping around while he and I were going out, but I began to question whether I'd given as much effort to our relationship as when I'd been with Matthew. Had I truly offered him my heart, just like he'd done to me? That first night Matthew and I'd spent on the creek banks, I'd taken a giant leap of faith and shown him exactly how I felt. I'd allowed him to have me wholly, heart, mind, and body. Had I done the same with Drew? We'd both discussed about waiting for when we felt it was right to have sex, but had I allowed Drew to have my heart the way I'd given it to Matthew? I knew the answer was no, or else I wouldn't be questioning myself in the first place. So with this newfound truth of my own selfishness, I began making a renewed effort to return Drew's affections. He'd invited me to several of the home football games to watch him play, and each time I'd turned the invitation down, for fear of meeting Matthew there. This weekend was going to be different. Our school hadn't done so well, so there was no worry about playoffs or championship, but there were a few games still left. So on that frosty November night, my cup of cheap concession coffee in hand, I found myself seated at the lowest level bleacher, alone except for the cheerleaders, cheering my lungs out for the team, one player in particular. "Come on, Drew! Let's go. You guys can do it! Come on!" "Hey." The gaunt face that met mine as I turned caused me to nearly fall from my seat. "Matthew?!?" "Yeah. How are you?" His face was pale, his eyes dark. The voice that spoke was tired and seemed almost strained. I found myself almost horrified as I stared at him. "I'm fine, Matthew. How are you? You don't look so well. Have you been sick?" He chuckled morosely. "Yeah, I've been sick, but not the way you might think. There's been a lot of shit going on with Whitney." "With who?" "Oh, sorry, the baby's mother." Another terrible realization struck me as I stared at him. Why wasn't he playing? Matthew had been star of the team. Why was he sitting here now? "Matthew, why aren't you..." "Why ain't I playing? Too screwed up. Coach said my heart wasn't in the game no more, so he relieved me." I didn't know whether to feel pity or anger. How could the coach be so cruel? But then another realization dawned on me. Maybe he'd done this as a favor to Matthew. After everyone realizing that we had become an item, Matthew had suffered some pretty nasty remarks from his old jock friends. I could only imagine what they would say to a star player turned lousy, whether they understood why or not. "So, how've you been? Hope you and Drew are doing good. I've not seen you in a while." How had I been? The question needed to be how was he, or why was he so disheveled? "We're okay. What's been going on with you?"... "Long story." "We've still got time. You wanna talk?" "Nah, it's okay. Let's just say It's not been the easiest go in the world, trying to get all this custody shit taken care of." "You mean you're still trying to get that sorted out? You guys started on that before I left!" "I know, but Whitney's being a bitch. She keep's changing her story about what she wants." Seeing my incredulous face, he nodded and continued. "She never signed the original papers to grant me full custody when the baby's born, said something happened to them. Keep's threatening that until she get's what she wants out of the agreement, she's gonna have an abortion or sign the baby over for adoption. My stomach churned within me. I wanted to be sick. So the rumors were true. "Matthew, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" "No. There's nothing anyone can do. I've brought every bit of this on myself. If I hadn't fucked up royally, none of this would've ever happened. I'd still have you, Whitney wouldn't be part of my life in any way, and I wouldn't feel like a piece of shit." "Matthew, don't say that. We both fucked up pretty good." He studied me for a moment before rising to walk back up the bleachers. "Alex, I meant what I said the other day. Even though I miss you terribly, I'm glad you're happy."