Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2011 02:12:43 -0500 From: Jesse Jesse Subject: Matthew, My Love Pt 17 Life had went on. That was the awful truth. I'd done my fair share of crying over Drew's leaving that first week, I couldn't deny that. But though I wanted to grieve for him, I hardly had time, and that's what hurt. Though it was only March, our school administration had already started prepping for end-of-course exams. Teachers had began handing out extra homework and study materials. Students had begun studying for SAT'S and ACT exams. Younger schoolmates were busily studying themselves for their end-of-course exams, and already planning next year's school schedule. It was one day about half way through March that I looked up from a paper I was working studiously on that I realized how little I'd thought about Drew. Had it really been a month already? Had he really been gone that long? Though my head struggled to wrap around these facts, my heart's ache answered "yes." The little time I had spent dwelling on him had been almost completely filled with guilt, not just pain. "...I know you're still in love with Matthew." Drew's words had reverberated over and over in my head. My cheeks flushed at the very remembrance of his words. Had I really been that lousy of a boyfriend? Hadn't I tried to show him how much I loved him? From the first week of our relationship, Drew and I had shared a very open relationship at school and in public. We'd never tried to hide how we felt about each other. Had I really been that cold towards him? And that being hashed over and over again, I felt all the more guilty because, truth be told, I found myself wondering more and more about Matthew. Shouldn't it be about time for his baby to be born? Had his lawyer ever gotten the situation worked out between himself and the girl that was pregnant with his child? I was awoken that night by my cell phone`s ringing, causing me to nearly jump out of bed. Who in the world could be calling at three in the morning!? "Hello." A woman's emotional voice answered. "Alex?" "Yes, who's this?" "Alex, I'm sorry to wake you, but I thought you should know something." "Who is this?" "Oh, I'm so sorry; I've been so mixed up and upset. This is Nadine." "Nadine? What's wrong, what's going on?" "Oh Alex, it's Matthew, er, not Matthew..." her voice gave way to great sobs. "Alex, can you please come to the hospital?" And the phone clicked. My mind raced at what I'd just heard. Matthew! But what was going on? Was he sick? Had there been some kind of car accident or something? I leapt from bed, scribbled a hasty note to Carla and the family as I jerked the first clothes I could find on, and sped on my way. I rushed into the emergency room, preparing myself for the worst, my hair sticking every which way and my clothes still in disarray, but my heart seemed to stop altogether when the receptionist told me that "the Letterman family wasn't in the ER, but in the delivery ward." Two flights of stairs later, and what seemed like an endless maze of corridors, I found Matthew's father Robert. His cheerful expression and disposition I'd grown to love all that time ago were gone, his face blotched and completely wet from tears. I threw myself toward him, his whole body seeming to sag as he hugged me. "Alex. Thank you for coming. I wasn't sure if you would." "Robert, be honest with me. How is he?"...Robert studied me for a moment through tear-filled eyes. "You don't know why we're here, do you, why we're in the neonatal?" "Nadine just said something about Matthew, and if I'd come. Robert, what's going on?"... "Alex, the baby was stillborn." My stomach twisted into the tightest of knots. I felt as though I were going to be sick. "Stillborn? Robert, what?...Oh my God!" Now the man's whole weight fell on me, as he all but collapsed on my shoulders, wailing and shaking with grief. Tears, tears that I didn't even know were possible, flowed. How my heart broke. Poor Matthew! What must he be feeling? "Robert, Robert, listen to me. I've got to see him. Where is he?" Robert fought with all his might to regain his composure. "He's in a room just down the hall, number 477. The doctor's cleaned the baby`s body, and they're giving him some time alone with her." "Her," Matthew's child had been a baby girl. "Will they care if I go in?" "No, I don't think so. He asked for you. That's why Nadine called. We weren't going to tell you, figured you'd find out soon enough, but he asked for you." I embraced Robert once more before making my way down the hall. The sight that met my eyes was permanently engraved into my mind, I believe only leaving me should I lose my memory completely. Matthew lay in the hospital bed, his own body in a fetal position, with his arms ever so gently encircled around the lifeless body of the tiny baby girl, staring intently at the tiny angelic face. For the longest time, I wondered if he'd even noticed I'd entered the room. His whispered voice, wracked with emotion, caused me to jump. "Scarlett Nadine Letterman." Despite my eyes filling with tears, and my stomach still feeling as though I could be sick from heartache, I found my voice surprisingly strong. "I think that's beautiful, Matthew, and I think she's beautiful." For the first time since I'd entered the room, Matthew's eyes met mine. "You really thing so?" "Yes, I do. She's beautiful."... "The doctors say she probably died during birth. Whitney had a hard time giving birth." In two steps I was across the room and next to him. "Matthew, I...I..." He smiled weakly at me, though his eyes shown with heartbreak. "You don't have to try to make me feel better. Your just being here is a comfort. I was afraid you wouldn't even come, especially considering everything that happened." I forced every ounce of composure I could muster as I tried to find words to comfort him. "Matthew, listen. A child is a gift, simple and plain. The circumstances of the child's conception shouldn't matter. Scarlett is still your child!" He smiled weakly again. "Thank you." "How is Whitney?" "She's fine. The doctors say she'll be going home by tomorrow." "Have...have...have you..." "No...I just can't bring myself to think about those plans yet." Finally the doctors came to take the baby, Matthew and his family saying their last goodbyes. As I turned, I noticed Matthew staring at me. "Matthew, is something wrong?" "No, at least not with you...Alex, I know I don't deserve to ask this, and I'll even understand if you say `no,' but is there any way you would consider staying with me tonight?" "Of course I will." Though all our hearts were broke, theirs at the loss of such a precious child, and mine for their loss, our time together brought smiles and fond memories. "Remember when we all went to that tea room in Scotland?" "Remember when we all spent that weekend at the river?" Many memories none of us had thought of in years were remembered and treasured. Crying one moment, our hearts still broken at Scarlett's death, and smiling the next, we spent the night. Finally receiving word that the baby's body was to be taken to the funeral home, the family and myself made our way back to the Letterman house. Waives of memories broke over me as I stepped through the door again. Nadine stared at me for a moment. "Alex, it's so good to have you back. This house has not been the same since you left." Robert managed a weak smile as he agreed. It was Matthew, however, who surprised me. "Mama, don't. Alex has only come this once to be with me. I know it's not forever, and you guys do too. Don't try to make this anything that's only gonna cause more pain." A couple of hours later the house, though very much daylight outside, lay still and quite, the family all trying to find sleep and rest. I'd purposely volunteered to take the couch. I didn't want to give any wrong ideas. Though my body was exhausted, my mind was in full motion. How was it that I'd ended up back in this house? "I see you can't sleep either." Robert's voice startled me. "I'm sorry Robert. I didn't hear you come into the room." "No, I didn't want you to. I was just coming through to the kitchen...It's good to have you back here Alex." "I've missed you all." "I know you have. I knew you would." "What do you mean?" "Alex, you both messed up, royally. But you've also both paid some steep prices for the things you've done, Matthew especially so now. But don't you think he's told us about what all's been happening to you, with this other guy and all? We heard about the situation of him leaving and stuff." My mind was whirling. "How did he know about all that?" Despite the night's events, Robert's smile returned, albeit briefly. "Alex, did you really think he stopped loving you? Do you really think that, even right now, he's not hoping someday you'll get back together? That's all we ever heard! `I saw Alex today, and he was...' `I heard Alex is going out with Drew now.' `Alex still doesn't want to talk to me.' Alex, listen to me. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, and I'm not trying to push you towards him again, but you should know that Matthew never stopped loving you. Do you know how many times we woke up in the middle of the night to find him crying on the couch? And I think if you were honest with yourself, you'd have to admit that you've missed him too. I'm not saying you didn't love Drew, but what you and Matthew had, have, is something very special."